Day of farewell

Thursday, JUN-03-2010
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Get up early, and reach work early. Felt so nice to be at work so early. Again the conf call with off shore Indians in Calcutta (kolkata). Was a big bore. The people there I was told were the most closed minded people with the never dying Communistic Tendency. Over 50 years of Elected Communist rule. Only state in India with the longest Communist govt.
All these guys do all day is, smoke like a chimney and keep drinking lots of tea and chat and chat and chat. Very typical of the Laziness that is bred by the security of the Government taking care of everything. Maybe its the same in France and other countries. Part of Kerala also is like that. With the Communist govt coming to power 50 percent of the time.

Wish there was some way to make Eva understand and work out our life. Every one has some kind of issues, our issues were so external to our personal living problems.
I think we were more understanding in our day to day life of compromising and living as a couple, practical about our expense and luxirious, careful and responsible about each others needs for daily adjustments and living from the early morning use of wash room, break fast, food, sleep, temp adjustment in the room, etc.
One issue with her was me watching TV and she considered that ignoring her needs. Well that was my relaxation after a hard day of continous driving while she slept in the car.
But the wider issues turned up at our clash of the ideology of living life and association with others and the issues of boundaries to be maintained with people we are not in a relationship with.

IF we are to live as a family we would probably be helping each other in our difficulties and helping each other to over come our difficulties in our individual areas of life.

And in the insecurity of the future, we got to see that, each seems to think that the other does not trust them or care for them. Each had a different scale to measure the love for the other. I was basing on her tendecy to spend more time with others as a sign that she was not that interested in me and her tendency to rather go to sleep when talking with me and seem to be very active and excited when she seems to want to go out and dance.
And she was expectin me to be there everytime she came online after her partying and be there to make her feel good.

she never understood the fact that on Feb 14 valentines day, I was totally glued to the computer hoping and waiting that she would come online and I would be able to wish her face to face on skype. But she just went out partied with whoever and just went to bed or did what ever she did or she was feeling guilty of something she did.
And directly accused me of been a bad boy friend for not sending her a message on facebook with wishes. hahaha.. so easy it was for her to accuse me. Maybe it was her own guilty conscious that caused her to doubt my sincere love and ignored the fact that I must have been waiting to wish her face to face on video chat.

well what ever, she sure was not lucky to know the depth and sincerity of my love and dedication for her.

Opportunity she lost or rather choose not to experience.

foolish me is still trying to compromise. And the more I try the more she seems to take me for granted. And reached such a low point that I felt stripped of my self respect and diginity.
She did not force me, but I choose that in the interest of my love for her and the hope of our future relationship.
Atleast I know, now to what extend I can go for the sake of my love. Love which she is probably not ready to experience or is not destined for.

Well its a great day outside, was having a huge smile and feeling of weight off my shoulders.

Saw her blog and she seems to be moving to a new flat. Atleast she is able to live with a group of people and keep herself busy.

Now I am wondering how come she seems to have enough money to spend for a second trip to India and for the US trip she was saying she did not have much.

And I who did not have much, ended up spending the last few thousands I had on the trip hoping that I would rather spend on my love and maybe even go hungry latter without money.

So many hidden factors coming out now. And she thought that I took more money from her than I should and must have manipulated the figures. wow!. how she easily forgot that I paid for half her flight charges too.
Maybe all this issue with trust was with her, and I was so foolishly and blindly trusting her.

This should be a good learning lesson for me to look out for the red flags at places like this.

Oh god its so confusing and painful to suddenly see so many more of in-sincere and manipulation from someone who I madly fell in love with..

12:00 go out with the others to Indian restaurant "Aman", it was for Suvendu going back to India and the Kalkata(culcatta) office. IT was his Farewell lunchon. The restaurant had good ambience, as usual buffet, small but good combination. get back by 2pm.

4 to 5 meeting to improve process and reduce time and confusion during various phases of project.

5:30 go over to Ajit the Delivery Manager for the project and talk to him again about my role in the project and how I am feeling rusted as I have been just sitting idle for two months and getting paid like a big fat duck. He tells me well we are getting paid, you are getting paid. Be patient, there is a reason why the client needs you here.

Then I go to his cabin and ask him about SAP CRM opening in the Bangalore office, he tries to discourage me from changing the group as I will get lower level and not manager level. I say, I am fine with it. But said he will try to talk with other people and see. Feel like that he is giving me just fake words. I said, my conditions have changed thats why I did not want to go to Bangalore now.

As in the begining I was crazy in love and wanted it badly. I tried my best to get her back, threw my ego and diginity aside to try to get her and the more I tried the more she was behaving like a over powerful person who was looking down at me like some cheap creature. He said, yes I can see that, the more you try to be like that some people will always only take you for granted more.

He was trying to convince me to take some time off and go to india and get married or find some girl to get married. He said 80 percent of marriages are all about compromises. Everyone fights. Only very few are very lucky to be not fighting. I said yes, but I can only try so much. And it takes two willing persons to stick together no matter what and work HARD at making and relationship that works. That requires commitment, but when only one person is committed and the other persons mind is jumping all over the world and not able to be still and focused on the relationship, its not possible.

Then he goes on to tell me how he married in 14 days, just took a risk and married and now is happy with 2 kids and a house. He said Sometimes in life we have to take a risk and not go looking at the horoscope and things like that.. Yep I do agree, I was willing to take the risk and see how it works out, gave up own Self respect to make compromise with her but she is just not willing to even have a conversation with me. Life is like that. Hopefully this was not the person. As she did not seem to appreciate anything and the everything I did for her and our love.

9 pm go for a Run this time about 3kms Then get to the Gym and do Biking for 1 hr. about 11pm now time to hit the bed for an early day tomorrow. :)