Opening up my heart to Eva

Monday 31-2010

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Wake up in the morning a bit lazy and demotivated. Decide to ask Eva what is it that she is angry at me so much for.

Send her an email and the poetry I wrote for her.

Ended up opening my emotional feelings towards her and how I was feeling about her, which I always felt but did not know how best to express. I am not from a family or a cultural background where we are taught or trained to express love and feelings freely. We rather show that in action by taking care of our family and working hard to protect them from all kinds and to provied them with all the luxury stuff to make their life happy.

Even after coming to the US and a few relationships I feel difficult to open up as smoothly as most people easily do.

Anyways the words just came out of the deepest bottom of my heart. I ended up telling her that I am sorry for abruptly pushing my wishes on to her. All the insecurity of not been able to take care of her and other things seem to not matter at all now. The feelings that I will not able to take care of her and love her like someone else who may love her and provide for her much better than me have all now gone and I feel that now, no one else can love her the deep and sicerly and commited way I love her. And that is the reason I think I should not let you go thinking that someone else will love her more than me. It was just my earlier foolishness.

She sends me a reply saying that the poem is beautiful, that we are not a good team, and not good partner on both sides and does not want to keep in touch.
but its not going to change anything and asking me to concentrate on my life. And that she will be happy to know that I have married and set up a family with a nice women.

How come she thinks like this,,,, if we are not a good team we would not have even gone beyond the first meeting. We have had difficult situation like any other couple. And that helped us to learn and grow.
I knew right on the full moon day we sat outside her house and chatted into the early morning hrs. That she is the one I have always been wanting and that we are ment to be together. And the subsequent series of incidents only got us both together, there was a reason for that. It does not happen just like that. She thinks we are in different direction, nooo we are experiecning what we need to , to be able to appreciate each other and others life much better. It was just a matter of time before things got easier and the clouds passed and we could work it out.

Begged her to take a deeper look at all that happened, the special magical moments. and the feelings that was happening across the miles when one of is in trouble or not well. That is not something that happes to every one. Like every unique relationshps we also had our turbulant phase and I believe with my sincere heart we will be together again.

I seem to have everything now, but this everything does not mean anything without her. She is the most important aspect in my life. She was the one I was praying for my whole life even before I met her to live for the rest of my life. She is the only one I want to have a family with and no one can take her place.

With passing time the more I am convinced that no one can take her place as its is unique love and our destinies are interwind into each others.

then again sent her another mail. saying that our relationship is like a the meeting of two powerful rivers, And when they meet, there is turbulance, but with the distance traveled together with our destinies, we end up forming a more stronger bond till the end.

Maybe be she needs to pull back more and needs more time to undrestand and realise the power of things that happened to bring us together. Maybe she needs more experience before coming to a realization like I have. That our life and destines are joined together forever.

I feel no matter what our paths will meet, as we are part of the same mind, body and soul. If that seperates, it will be like seperating and spliting an atomic bond. Will probably result in some kind of natural disaster : (

Not sure if this is valid, maybe there is a reason the few people I was connecting with (Sara and Del) ended up having some kind of disaster happening their lives ever since I we started connecting. IT was nature asking them to stay away and not to come in between our love.

Again not sure if the guys she is connecting with are facing any kind of issues because of this. If they are, that is a great indication that we are supposed to join up as one Shiva-Parvathi... good god there was suddenly a thunder outside as soon as I started with the `S` in Shiva.
Well if that is destined, I can only wait patiently and hope that nature will also take care of getting us back together.

Or is it she who is facing the issues, as she must have crossed certain boundaries and had to suffer certain physical form of punishment as warning to her to not deviate from destinies true prescribed path.

I have crawled, begged and pleaded. Other than that I am not sure what else I can do at this time. For sure the trip to Zlin in August is a possibility. Another strong thunder. ITs supposed to be summer here.

Its almost 4:15pm and its raining heavily outside. Sun seems to be setting about 9pm these days.

6:02 pm just got back from a hour and half of walking . was talking with narayan all along and he was telling me about the issues he was having with his parents property in India issues with his brothers.

Looks like everyone seems to have some kind of issue, no matter how much we try to focus on Inner happiness, and imagining happy stuff, It seems to work for sometime and afterwards again its back to the reality. Whats the permanent solution.