Good move

Fri, May 14, 2010
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Woke up around 6:30 and rushed thru the motions and ran to reach the shuttle by 7:35am with the 20kgs on my back. The only person today for the 1st 2 stops. Well week end!

Good move by Eva to block me off her friends list on FB. Congratulations to her for doing that as it would not be fair with her new love interest also on FB. Atleast she seems to have the coldness to do it with out even telling me. Well thats her.
On reading the FB quotes one would assume that she is someone very spiritual, but I guess she is human like the rest of us and when it comes to practicing the words, she is really someone else.

Either way, Around the one year milestone of our meeting she has gone into another new phase of again repeating the same way of behavior getting into relationship with out much real thought.

So my decision to Not to make plans to go to India for the Kerala visit turned out to be good.
Thou she said on the last day in Czech, that after this, she would not be in a relationship in the next 3 months and was hoping that we could go to Kerala together. But my instincts and read about her and her character was right. Not only did she hook up with current guy, who I guess happens to be her 2nd attempt. Probably after Amit turned her down who is the 1st.

I was hoping that Amit was wrong in calling her a "Slut" and for generally labelling all the "western women" as characterless. Was hoping Eva would prove him wrong.

I would not be surprised if she is using the words "surya", "sulinko", "miminko",,,, with the new guy too. Would be interesting to know if that is some kind of formula that she keeps using from one relation to the other.
Atleast she got caught with using "Mastero" with me. That she had used with Igor. Just that Igor did not time it well. Or because I came in between and saved her.

I was hoping that she would really learn from our relation, but so far all the indications are that she seems to have only learned to become a smarter lier to her own self. More inclined and going with basic instincts of wanting to blame the other and with zero accountability.

People make their choices. I am choosing to forgive her and wishing her the best. And hope that her good karma protects her.

I am surprised that I am able to have good thoughts for her, even after she betrayed my trust,. A trust that I thought I trusted her more than I trusted my own mother. ITs heart wrenching. But i guess thats what love is all about, forgiving the one who matters, no matter what.

1) I don't care how strong you are...
All I want to know is what holds you together when you are at your weakest self.

2) I don't care how honest you are..
All i want to know is whether you really have the courage to be truthful to yourself and stop believing in the lies you tell yourself everyday.

7) I don't care what you are to the outside world..
All I want to know is what is there inside when you remove that mask.

11) I don't care how beautiful you are.. All I want to know is the ugly side of you, the side that deserves more love.....

Got to see how things turn out tonite, go out salsa dancing or not to ? or to have a drink party with all the guys in my room? and go for the salsa dancing tomorrow night and use the day pass to visit the museums of Independence during the day?

Back to work. not many people on the walk to the room from the Cafeteria. Got to greet about 8 people. And a few grumpy AC's(Angry czechs) who were too grumpy that they looked away.
The weather is not that great either, Cloudy like Vancouver and heavy rains expected soon.

Let me see if I can get my hands on doing some more research on the Vaccination related Call center going live next week.

11:11am... I just checked Evas package been delivered. It has reached her country on 5th. no updates after that.
Its funny, how we are still connected. I could feel that she was sick and was going thru something bad. Why is it that I can feel so strongly something bad or good happening to her. If I am not ment to be with her?
Why is nature still playing its games of connection. Not sure if she feels it or is confused with the new place and its people. She is still young, and like the first break up email where she almost made feel like a I am only interested in her body for sex and told me not to touch her and things that made me feel as thou she was addressing an animal.
The part where I was trying to avoid sex with her during the course of our trip no matter how tempting it was for me and was focusing on having us form more spiritual connection was lost on her. Wondering if thats why she was saying I was ignoring her!!??? Sometimes she is thinking in Czech and writing in English and hence the original idea is sometimes lost.....
And when I just told her to then change the status of our relationship. Her reply mail suggested that she just reacts to situation, worse than I do. She did not really think fully, just her naieviety of situation and her immaturity in handling relationship. Where there is a huge imbalance in her.

Hope she will gain more stability in her thoughts and what she really wants in life. Before she gets dragged too deeply into her current relationship, with Amit or Rishit or some other.
Thou many times I told her she still needs to find herself. Her naieve claims of having found herself in her early 20's was something I never was able to argue with. Because I went thru those phases of thinking I found myself and with passing time, I keep realising that what I thought a few years ago was just my immaturity.

I sometimes wish I had met Delma or Sara before I fell in love with Eva. They are both so nice and so wonderful too. What caused all this things to happen, even thou we both were trying to avoid getting into a relationship, fully knowing that our paths were in very different direction. That is something that will always puzzle me.

Got Sara's email. she seems to be getting into a depressive mood with all the bad things that seem to be happening to her since the last 6 months. with her dad passing away to her accident and her not able to do the one thing she is passionate about ,, her 10k and 30 k running. poor gal.

1:20pm got back from Lunch, met a couple of guys from CTSH. one a Malu from bangalore and the other from Bihar. And it turns out he is from my university in Karnataka.
Wooo this whole month I am meeting people from my past and with links to my past.

Walking back from the cafetria, was feeling uneasy thinking about Eva and kind of uneasy feeling about the bad dream I had. Did not tell her that they guy I saw in the dream who fixed her drink was Rishit. Now I am really feeling concerned. But my powers are limited. I cannot do any preventive actions from here. And now her actions of totally cutting me off from FB only make it impossible to caution her.
Two days ago, I was feeling happy for her new found love and thinking of her smiling happily and in love with some lucky guy.
And now that happiness has transformed to something of a fear for her wel being. Why is it I am not able to feel angry and cold and cut her off totally. There are so many beautiful girls here and not one seems to be able to get my attention off her.!!!!!????? weird connection.

1:45pm got msg from driver regarding the delivery at lansdale,, yahoo my car is coming. But not able to get back in touch with Driver as his phone is just ringing and no one is picking up. Called up Narayan who works for AT and T to see if could call the driver on his Canadian phone. But the same results.

2:05pm Atlast get in touch with Jeff the driver, who said he would deliver it by Tuesday 9am. Phew atlast. now to work on the Insurance wtih Geico. :)

4:50pm... Still bothered by the thought of the dream where Rishit fixes evas drink and does stuff to her and then his friends also come one after another and they take pics off all that with hidden camera.

Ahhh why am I been bothered about someone who does not care. Why am I not able to let go of it by thinking that she does not care about me why should I care about her.

Is this some kind of strange connection I am feeling towards her like I always felt with her. Is is also feeling anything like this?

Is she thinking that he is not as aggressive as the guys in Vancouver? For sure, even the slowest guy in Vancouver will be more aggressive than most of the aggressive guys in India. And if Rishit is been slow its only becasue compared to the guys in the west he is from an conservative country and hence will surely be slower and will appear as not a threat.

Why could she not hook up with Amit or someone nice guy. Why is it I am getting a very bad feeling of bad things happening to her again. And this feeling of danger is only getting stronger. Its just that I am also thinking what is the point in me reacting after the damage is done?
With my contacts and family connections I could easily do things there, even probably have the guys with evil intentions towards her threatened to not play any games with her. But again I would not like to involve them base on a hunch and especially when she is been so cold towards me. And too act after the damage is done would mean that I can only resort to revenge on the guys. But whats the use of that after the damage is done and she gets scared for life.....
So many questions?

I am going crazy thinking about someone who obviously does not seem to care for me.... why? why ? why?

Is it cause of my caring nature towards all those that are there in my life? or is it cause of the way I grew up with lots of group activities and feeling of team? or is it just my protective instincts as a man, wanting to protect the one who I care for the most in my life?

Had talk with N on the way back walking from Work regarding this and after explaining the story was told. Its not her been cold or anything like that. She is just been foolish. She is behaving like most of the people her age. She might realise it latter, but by then it might be too late for her.
That suddenly reminded me of the way she broke up the first time. And on my reply, she wanted me to re-consider and not rush into decisions. What kind of person thinks like that? Breaks up, and tells me not to touch her and making me feel like a some kind of sexual predator and then when I say ok as you wish. She tells me not to rush into decisions... I did not make any.. I just agreed to her wish.... Is she some kind of drama queen?

just wish that we could have been good friends atleast. But now with her cutting me off the FB it kind of feels like she is not even interested in been friends.
Well I tried as best as possible.

Around 5:30 Ajit comes around wanting to talk to me about my move to India for transfer. To Bangalore or Calcutta. I then told him with the recent developments I have a change in my wanting to go to India. As my primary objective was to go with and be with my girlfriend and probably marry her. But now the equations have changed and she is probably with someone else and now she has cut me off facebook as friend and that means she is not even interested in been my friend.
Then he said, that means with my limited scope in the current project, I would probably have to transfer to some other project at some other place. Well that okay.
Moving to India would have ment an indian salary. Thou its a great salary compared to Indian standards of around 30 to 40 K US dollars per year.