Bills to pay.

Wednes_day, May 25, 2010
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up around 6am, checking mails and trying to beat the time.
Need to pay up the bills and get things streamlined. Got to go to the Honda dealer and get quotes for the repair before sending claims to the moving company.

Beautiful day outside. Should I go out dancing tonite or no. It was excting last wednesday with the amount of compliments I got.
Now with no contact with Eva, I feel the urge to go out dancing, but still the guilty consicious of feeling as thou I am cheating on her. Well atleast I am not even asking the girls their name or number and not even asking them for second dance, only they are asking me.
It would have been so nice to have had Eva here, if only she was a bit patient and had belief in me and my ability to find a good job and then I would have felt confident to have got her here and provided for her like any good husband would do.
Just wished that she had the will and commitment to the relationship and not drifted off like a rudderless ship . Well it is with a great sense of feeling that we got both the families involved and just that she did not have it or she was also confused or frustrate or had other plans......

Don`t feel good to send her a mail. as she did not respond in any way to my previous.

I really really wish we could start fresh here in beautiful Lansdale by living together as a team. The trip did bring out the worst in us. Weird that we have our relationship backwards. Then she needs to have her mind open to it too. I think I did send her the mail mentioning that it would be nice to have her here and we could still use the national park pass before it expires.

May be I should plan a trip to Czech in July august, like she wanted and then come back here together. But such a trip would mean lots of pre-planning. And with the wall she seems to have put up. not sure if that is a possibility. If only she would open up communications.
7:45 ,,oo,,,,,oof to work.

The bigger question is has she learnt anything. Has living in india and been with Indian taught her anything at all?
I do see some changes of learning the art of acceptance and compromising. But to what extend has she been able to, given the demands (which are very valid) she made at her work. But most indians learn to let go and compromise and work around the issues.

She is right in standing up and putting her feet down on the basic requirements. But I am looking for the attitude of doing it without her getting angry, pushing for things to get done in a pleasent way. The way she behaves so sweetly when she really wants to. And not been the arrogant person who behaves like a dictator. If you don`t do it my way, I don`t care for you and what you do... that attitude only breeds more of that from others towards her.

Hope that she would atleast show me a sign or inclination to communicate with an email And then maybe I would be motivated to work on visiting Czeck and also asking her to come and live with me and see how we can work it out. With out the tensions and stress of travelling on a trip. I think we could have easily worked on our differences and reached amicable compromises had we not had the stress of long hrs of driving. Most issues need time to talk and digest and sink in to understand. And that I got to agree with her is only possible in the living room when both are in each others presence with the physical touch and emotional connection.

But with my own insecurities and doubts of been able to provide for her and not been able to guarantee a steady place to live in. It did not look like the right time then.

Now things have improved a bit. Feel a lot more confident about taking care of her and been responsible for our daily day to to day life.

But will she or will she not, or is she in love with someone else as I had seen the possibility of her doing it at the first available or is she still into Amit. I have no clue. How she seems to think its worthy enough to even rather fight with me than NOT keep kissing that guy Raymondo is a mystery, maybe she loves him more and thought that I am a person she can just take for granted and twist around as per her own needs and fantasies. And then drop at the first opportunity, like she did now.

But deep down I just think that its her own foolish girlish naivety of not knowing and understanding the priorities of life and relationship. The Sanctity of a relationship which I hold to a very high level and do not like it to be tarnished by any other entering or even getting close to having a chance at taking a shot at splitting us up.
Was she NOT on the same wave length of holding up the values I so cherish in a relationship? But that was an education her parents did not take time to induce into her like most other parents who had a steady relationship as an example.

10am Status meeting, told PM about the previous days meeting with Avaya and them just about starting off. Said will include me in the MOC meetings thats going to be set up.

2:00 head to DMV for 2nd attempt at license with the letter from Harrisburg validating my status in US .

After sitting there for an hour , that guy calls me. Then went thru my documents and after about a series of questions, validating my documents, lease, emplyoyee letter, towards the end he says, your SSN name does not match your drivers licence of Canada. Then I try to explain to him that when I first came to US in 2000 they did not have enough place to enter both my family name and hence I was asked to choose one, So I choose `v`.

Then in he went in to talk to his supervisor and came back saying that I need to go to the Social security dept and get my name in the Social Security changed.

Well here goes my series of obstruction to every work that I hope to get done. Which is not usually an issue for others. Its like some astrological curse on me and obstruction to all and everything that I try to do. No wonder Eva just gave up and ran away. Don`t blame her for not been able to put up with my screwed up life. It would have made her life miserable too.

Anyways with a little bit of hope thrown in, as he said that the social security office is about a few blocks. So drive over as soon as possible, make it into the door just as the security is closing the door. Was filling out the form when the lady calls me in and with my half completed form. she was sweet and heart warming enough to help me make the changes and fill out the form. She put the T in my last name and moved the Va into my first name along with V and then kept the middle name ku. So perfectly reflecting my full name as per the original Ind passport. She gave me a print out of the letter and said that the correct SSN will be coming to me after Immigration verification.
And gave me a letter to the same effect, which she said will be ok with the DMV.
She was so nice and sweet to me, she was like a great soothing sensation for all my troubles. I felt so grateful to her in the middle of all the harshness I am facing in my life, that I felt I would have asked her to marry me.

So I rush back by 4:15 to the DMV and sit out the last couple who were there. Then the guy calls me and when I showed him the letter he said, where is the second part. Grrrrrrr... ahhh again another hurdle. I Tell him she just gave me this part. But then it had the corrected name but not the SSN number.

Aaaaarrrrr for all the stressed up running around and all the issues with my name not matching the standard format of the US. And the short sightedness of the people who created the Social Security programs and the Canadian immigration programs.

What a mess it makes ones life.

Is it my fault to have my own name, keeping with the heritage and tradition of my family and its legacy?

With a head loaded with questions and no easy answer I return back.

The weather today is around 33 deg C. Sudden jump from the low 20s. Lots of people in mini skirts and very short pants.
Maybe I need a shot of sevovitza to calm my nerves. Have one shot and then a glass of Johnny walker with cold water.

Why is it that even for simple things, which usually is not a major issue with for anyone... that I end up having to go thru so many hurdles?????? why why???
And to top it off I am not seeing any movement in the side of Apex or satayam to pay me $4000 that they owe for work done in March. And I ended up spending from my pocket for my travel, hotel stay, and other expenses for the two weeks.
So sent them a threatening letter to go to the labour depart and complain about every one involved.

All these hurdles seem to pop up only in my life to cause more stress. Poor gal eva fell in love for the wrong guy ,,,,, lousy me. Is my life worth anything or is it just there to face trouble more and more. Not able to even visit my sweet parents for the past 4 years. They were even open to me marrying Eva thou it was not their preference, but what can a guy like me do who seems to be cursed at every step. Including been blocked on facebook by the only girl I am in love with madly. Blocked in such a way, now I don`t even know if she is alive or lost.... just for her updates on her blog.

How nice it would have been to have someone sweet enough to help me relax and be there to support me emotionally in my time of need. Would E have had it in her to be supporting or would she have just got angry and caused more issues and stress in my life. Atleast she escaped to India and is probably in love with someone who I hope will really be interested in marrying her and giving her a great life she so truly deserves.

Tomorrow its Kannans sons birth day and he has invited all to come over. It is an US - Indian way of using the kids birth day for all of them and their families to socialize and an opportunity to get drunk. Well it was funny I turned out to be the advisor to Kannan, who was going to keep the two bottles of red wine in the freezer. hehehe.. was wondering again what would be Evas reaction. Luckily he called me and got it out.

I think I will just go to wall mart and get a gift for his son.

arrrrr I just remember in between all this I forgot to have lunch and its 7:30. nice work . good job as eva says. :))))))

freaking life. I am tired of all the disappointments hitting me one after another. :((((
and hoping and wondering if all this uncertainty will every end.