wake up with night mare

Sunday, May 23, 2010
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woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.

ok try to get back to sleeping. need to start working out, this week was lost and only work out was dancing crazy salsa and one merengue with a cute Italian looking gal.

Have a feeling something major is going to happen soon. Need to start focusing on career. Thou my heart is crying out for someone dear and near in my life. All the artificial created egoistic walls. If only they were easy to climb.

From the first girl (Sr) who left a huge gap in my life with her betrayal, by prefering to marry a rich guy over me,
to (Ni) my crush with the sweet smile and seemingly innocent behavior.
to (MP) who I liked but never really loved, She knew it well as I never said I did love her nor said any lie to mislead her. Was partially my need for companion ship when in mumbai.
to (AsM) who was so sweet and ideal, like soul mates in happiness, but then my own conservative requirement to only marry a malu,
to the one (NaP) the pediatrician, who I almost got engaged to and whos parents turned out to be family friends of my parents, and family friends for 100`s of years, who betrayed me by leading me on to believe that she wants to spend all her life with me, no matter what her dad says and went on to marry another docter her dad arranged for, and who had more guy friends than girls.
to (Su) mechanial Engg, like me, who I spend hrs talking into the late nights and was on a swing of emotions and who prefered men friends over girl friends.
to (Jo) who was a free spiritied gal, turned out had a preference for too many men friends in her life and prefered muscled white men,
to (GiL) who I fell head over heals for all the saddness and trouble she faced in life and who betrayed me by cheating on me with her ex.
to (MaAn) who I ended up in bed the fastest for her deep need for an Indian boyfriend to my need to validate myself after the betrayal by Gi. And who moved away as soon as she came into my life.
To (LiB) who was playing the game of trying to have me and other at the same time and trying to control,
to (TaB) who was trying to give me the excuse of, I am going to have lots of friends and I don`t care what you think (only her friends also happened to be fuck buddies).
To (EvS) who was also exibiting the same traits of wanting too many guy friends but stopped short of becoming fuck buddies to all the guy friends she tries to have and calls all girl friends as stupid.
She was the one I was hoping to spend the rest of my life. The one i opened up my life and heart of recent with lots of hesitation after about 2 years, to the extend of wanting to go against my own parents wishes. But who turned out to be in love with someone else really and I was just another stepping stone for her. Thought that I could trust her unlike the other gals, but soon she started exhibiting the lying pattern of behavior that I have become so familiar with. The same dialogues, the same vauge talk, the same words of leaving too much to imagination to simple questions, hahahaha,, after sometime it becomes so easy to spot a lying cheating female. They all have the same pattern of behavior, all cheating humans do. EvS was the one I was so looking forward to having lots of kids with and a great bubbling happy family. But like someone said so appropriately, she still needs to find herself. Just that by the time she finds herself, it will be too late to be with me. Thats the choice she had and thats the choice she made.
I gave up my significant career, just to be with her and spend time with her travelling on the west coast of US. And all I got in return was a load of pain and anguish from her self-centered behavior.
Before the trip it was, i don`t care about hiking, just want to spend time with you, within 24 hrs of landing, she just dumped me and the food (that I was not interested in) and walked away , with out even a word. Not even the common courtesy and decency to say, `I am going down for the hike`.
And then she has the nerve to tell me about behaving like a civilized person and how to talk decently and respectfully. Well lady, how about practicing before expecting something like that in return.

The Dozen who came into my life, my one sided affairs and my just kiss for the moment on the dance floor, a few passionate bachata dancers, who danced like we were having sex with cloths on, don`t remember most of the rest much. These are the top 12 from my first to my last so far.

There are few others who i met briefly, but circumstances did not permit for things to develop, like SaB and Del. Two sweet and nice gals, if circumstances were different or I had met them at different times, would have probably ended up marrying one of them.

There were many more small time affairs and one sided crushes, in between not significant.
Common thread, gals with too many guy friends, always trouble and never going to be in love forever, with me.
Too much of gypsy mentality.
And most of these gals made the move on me. Another thing to avoid.
I think I choose the easy path as, these gals were already interested in me when I was not really interested or available. And gave into the temptation.
And then when I started getting too deeply involved, they just backed out. It was like they were interested in me when I was a challenge and once they got me, they lost interest.

Back to sleep. And wait the real purpose in my life. Got to start focusing on my career, too much time lost chasing dreams and excitement that took me nowhere. While all the lousy guys seems to have made it big, with their own house(s) and family and steady life.

Woke up again from a night mare I could not remember around 7:am. To many disturbing thoughts and dreams, have to get back into mediating mode again.
Cleaned up the washroom a bit. surprising how much of scum gets accumulated even by one person in a month.
Maybe go to the temple in NJ around afternoon. now its 9: maybe call up home, then do more organizing and unpâcking and then head off around 11am or better still in the afternoon to avoid rush. Sounds like a plan.

9:45 called up home and no one picked up the phone. Called again, dad picks up and says that they just got back from a party.

Its seems Cousins son ``ATHUL`` got an award for topping the exams of High School, from the state government last year. He got the award given to him about 1,250 US dollars just a few days ago. He was among the 2 people who got it.
So there was a small little family party at an hotel. And there were 25 people. let me see, ahhh even if I count the closest family its more than 25, so some must not have come. And even his baby sister ``Ankitha`` got top marks this year A+. Thats another party next year. Wow it must be the water there. All my cousins even my mom topped their regional exams. Feels nice to be part of an elite group of intellectual people.

Sad news, my fav aunt Shailaja, got re-admitted to hospital after her breast cancer which was supposed to have been cured appeared or rather spread to some other areas. Other aunts are taking time to spend with her in the hospital. Feel like crying.

1:00pm head out and drive towards temple, talk with AV and narayan briefly on the way.
2:30 reach temple.
3:00 get into the cafetria of temple after prayers and bit of mediation and order 3 tamrind rice to take out.
3:30 start off from temple
5:30 reach home after filling up gas on the way, just before entering the Penn state border in New Jersey.

1st attempt to cook my salmon curry.
atlast motivate myself to do it. now its almost 9:45pm and maybe I will let it boil for another 15 mins on low. Not feeling hungry at all. Friday just had one hot dog, Even on Saturday did not eat anything, and only had tamrind rice in the evening today. Kind of becoming a person who can live on with out food. Or is it depression that I am going thru??

Thinking of aunt and wishing her and praying for her well being. Its been almost 4 years since I have seen anyone in my family. Whats happening to me and my life, when will I be able to go to my lovely land of gods. Natural and serene in its virgin beauty. Green that seems to make my eyes relax like an open eyed meditation.