Monday 31-2010
===****====******
Wake up in the morning a bit lazy and demotivated. Decide to ask Eva what is it that she is angry at me so much for.
Send her an email and the poetry I wrote for her.
Ended up opening my emotional feelings towards her and how I was feeling about her, which I always felt but did not know how best to express. I am not from a family or a cultural background where we are taught or trained to express love and feelings freely. We rather show that in action by taking care of our family and working hard to protect them from all kinds and to provied them with all the luxury stuff to make their life happy.
Even after coming to the US and a few relationships I feel difficult to open up as smoothly as most people easily do.
Anyways the words just came out of the deepest bottom of my heart. I ended up telling her that I am sorry for abruptly pushing my wishes on to her. All the insecurity of not been able to take care of her and other things seem to not matter at all now. The feelings that I will not able to take care of her and love her like someone else who may love her and provide for her much better than me have all now gone and I feel that now, no one else can love her the deep and sicerly and commited way I love her. And that is the reason I think I should not let you go thinking that someone else will love her more than me. It was just my earlier foolishness.
She sends me a reply saying that the poem is beautiful, that we are not a good team, and not good partner on both sides and does not want to keep in touch.
but its not going to change anything and asking me to concentrate on my life. And that she will be happy to know that I have married and set up a family with a nice women.
How come she thinks like this,,,, if we are not a good team we would not have even gone beyond the first meeting. We have had difficult situation like any other couple. And that helped us to learn and grow.
I knew right on the full moon day we sat outside her house and chatted into the early morning hrs. That she is the one I have always been wanting and that we are ment to be together. And the subsequent series of incidents only got us both together, there was a reason for that. It does not happen just like that. She thinks we are in different direction, nooo we are experiecning what we need to , to be able to appreciate each other and others life much better. It was just a matter of time before things got easier and the clouds passed and we could work it out.
Begged her to take a deeper look at all that happened, the special magical moments. and the feelings that was happening across the miles when one of is in trouble or not well. That is not something that happes to every one. Like every unique relationshps we also had our turbulant phase and I believe with my sincere heart we will be together again.
I seem to have everything now, but this everything does not mean anything without her. She is the most important aspect in my life. She was the one I was praying for my whole life even before I met her to live for the rest of my life. She is the only one I want to have a family with and no one can take her place.
With passing time the more I am convinced that no one can take her place as its is unique love and our destinies are interwind into each others.
then again sent her another mail. saying that our relationship is like a the meeting of two powerful rivers, And when they meet, there is turbulance, but with the distance traveled together with our destinies, we end up forming a more stronger bond till the end.
Maybe be she needs to pull back more and needs more time to undrestand and realise the power of things that happened to bring us together. Maybe she needs more experience before coming to a realization like I have. That our life and destines are joined together forever.
I feel no matter what our paths will meet, as we are part of the same mind, body and soul. If that seperates, it will be like seperating and spliting an atomic bond. Will probably result in some kind of natural disaster : (
Not sure if this is valid, maybe there is a reason the few people I was connecting with (Sara and Del) ended up having some kind of disaster happening their lives ever since I we started connecting. IT was nature asking them to stay away and not to come in between our love.
Again not sure if the guys she is connecting with are facing any kind of issues because of this. If they are, that is a great indication that we are supposed to join up as one Shiva-Parvathi... good god there was suddenly a thunder outside as soon as I started with the `S` in Shiva.
Well if that is destined, I can only wait patiently and hope that nature will also take care of getting us back together.
Or is it she who is facing the issues, as she must have crossed certain boundaries and had to suffer certain physical form of punishment as warning to her to not deviate from destinies true prescribed path.
I have crawled, begged and pleaded. Other than that I am not sure what else I can do at this time. For sure the trip to Zlin in August is a possibility. Another strong thunder. ITs supposed to be summer here.
Its almost 4:15pm and its raining heavily outside. Sun seems to be setting about 9pm these days.
6:02 pm just got back from a hour and half of walking . was talking with narayan all along and he was telling me about the issues he was having with his parents property in India issues with his brothers.
Looks like everyone seems to have some kind of issue, no matter how much we try to focus on Inner happiness, and imagining happy stuff, It seems to work for sometime and afterwards again its back to the reality. Whats the permanent solution.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Return from Pittsburg
Sunday may-30-2010
We get up in the morning clean up and go to the lobby to have break fast. It was packed like in the hotel at Zion on my trip with Eva , the hotel with the pool. One of my fav nights when Eva was so calm even with the TV on. I felt I would have married her that day if things permitted.
We start off with the intention of stopping and praying again at the Venkateshwara temple as its on the way.
Reach there by around 10am and go to pray and Narayan again pays for special darshan.
We get out by 11 and I take the wheels of his new Honda CRV. Was feeling really sick to the stomach and upset at the way things were with Eva and me, Wish that we could atleast maintain to be friends as she seems to so hate me, why , why and why is the question that is bothering me. When I was so sincere and dedicated to our relationship, did not cheat on her . When I felt guilty even to be dancing with another girl. I was so dedicated to her and to my love for her and only wanted our love to grow and not wither away.
The drive goes okay, and we stop on the way at a rest place to have the lunch of tamarind rice we brought yesterday at the temple.
I manage to make a call to my home and talk with mom. As there is severe thunder and lightening, Mom is hesitating to talk for long. Tell her about my life been troubled and tortured. Don't tell her the details, just tell her about how I was feeling inside and how things were not happening to me the way I want to happen. She did not seem much interested in talking as there was too much of lightening and thunder and was afraid of talking. So we hang up,
After having lunch and cleaning up the table we start off towards Philadelphia.
I think I was so troubled I was thinking and of late was feeling very suicidal, and driving like a crazy guy,.
Got pulled over for over-speeding by a cop and was give a ticket for 169.5 dollars. Wow, what a pleasant surprise. Atleast we did not end up dying or injured cause of some accident. and I guess it was not time for me to die
So that is a sign, its not yet time for me to give up and its time to live and to fight for another day.
I hand over the driving to Naryan and he and his wife and viki are trying to cheer me up. We reach my house in Lansdale by evening. Show them around my house and narayan was interested in seeing my silver Honda CRV of 1997 to compare it with his brand new 2011 model.
After having a light snack and fruit juices, we go towards Philadelphia downtown to see Penns landing and drive around the famous landmark that was instrumental in the formation of United States of America, The Independence hall ,the independence Bell was narayans favorite want to see and photo.
Then drive to Penns landing by the river, lucky get parking , after going down get to know that most of it is closed. We end up going back, I drop them off at the independence bell and wait in the car.
They come back after sometime and we get back to Lansdale around 9pm. Just in time to get into Sultan restaurant for dinner. Have chicken biriyani which is not really cooked in the way Biriyani is supposed to be cooked, its cooked more like in the Punjabi style restaurant of mixing basmathi rice with some chicken curry gravy with some raisens added. But loved the garlic nann. That goes into my will have again list.
Get back to my apartment around 10:30pm and they take off towards New Jersey. Tried to get them to spend time in my apartment and go home the next morning. Looked like narayan had some major things to settle and viki had some shopping to do in New Jersey next day morning. Just go in and drop off to bed.
We get up in the morning clean up and go to the lobby to have break fast. It was packed like in the hotel at Zion on my trip with Eva , the hotel with the pool. One of my fav nights when Eva was so calm even with the TV on. I felt I would have married her that day if things permitted.
We start off with the intention of stopping and praying again at the Venkateshwara temple as its on the way.
Reach there by around 10am and go to pray and Narayan again pays for special darshan.
We get out by 11 and I take the wheels of his new Honda CRV. Was feeling really sick to the stomach and upset at the way things were with Eva and me, Wish that we could atleast maintain to be friends as she seems to so hate me, why , why and why is the question that is bothering me. When I was so sincere and dedicated to our relationship, did not cheat on her . When I felt guilty even to be dancing with another girl. I was so dedicated to her and to my love for her and only wanted our love to grow and not wither away.
The drive goes okay, and we stop on the way at a rest place to have the lunch of tamarind rice we brought yesterday at the temple.
I manage to make a call to my home and talk with mom. As there is severe thunder and lightening, Mom is hesitating to talk for long. Tell her about my life been troubled and tortured. Don't tell her the details, just tell her about how I was feeling inside and how things were not happening to me the way I want to happen. She did not seem much interested in talking as there was too much of lightening and thunder and was afraid of talking. So we hang up,
After having lunch and cleaning up the table we start off towards Philadelphia.
I think I was so troubled I was thinking and of late was feeling very suicidal, and driving like a crazy guy,.
Got pulled over for over-speeding by a cop and was give a ticket for 169.5 dollars. Wow, what a pleasant surprise. Atleast we did not end up dying or injured cause of some accident. and I guess it was not time for me to die
So that is a sign, its not yet time for me to give up and its time to live and to fight for another day.
I hand over the driving to Naryan and he and his wife and viki are trying to cheer me up. We reach my house in Lansdale by evening. Show them around my house and narayan was interested in seeing my silver Honda CRV of 1997 to compare it with his brand new 2011 model.
After having a light snack and fruit juices, we go towards Philadelphia downtown to see Penns landing and drive around the famous landmark that was instrumental in the formation of United States of America, The Independence hall ,the independence Bell was narayans favorite want to see and photo.
Then drive to Penns landing by the river, lucky get parking , after going down get to know that most of it is closed. We end up going back, I drop them off at the independence bell and wait in the car.
They come back after sometime and we get back to Lansdale around 9pm. Just in time to get into Sultan restaurant for dinner. Have chicken biriyani which is not really cooked in the way Biriyani is supposed to be cooked, its cooked more like in the Punjabi style restaurant of mixing basmathi rice with some chicken curry gravy with some raisens added. But loved the garlic nann. That goes into my will have again list.
Get back to my apartment around 10:30pm and they take off towards New Jersey. Tried to get them to spend time in my apartment and go home the next morning. Looked like narayan had some major things to settle and viki had some shopping to do in New Jersey next day morning. Just go in and drop off to bed.
Trip to Pittsburgh, Venkateshwara temple, sai temple and JAIN Temple
Saturday May 29 2010
Wake uo early 6am , it’s a very good time management and adjustment between 5 people to get ready for the Pittsburg trip.
In between check the net. To find a msg from Sara. Poor Had suggested chakri as friend to her and she had not accepted him as she said she did not know him.. Told her that he was the guy who introduced us. Guess she does not remember him from that night.
girl seems to be suffering constantly and fighting against the odds of nature and was apologizing for not been in touch. Then explaining the reasons related to work and how she has to deal with rude customers especially today. She got it really bad with all the series of bad conditons that were happening to her.
First her dad dies about Christmas, then she gets into an accident with a car when she was riding to work on her bike. And then having to go to a remote Italian village to meet up with all her dads family and was constantly reminded of him and his memories. And now she is living with her mom, going to school and working all at the same time. Not been able to do her favourite acitivty of running daily and running the marathons.
I wish I could something for her and my worries and sadness seems to be nothing compared to her natural calamities.
Send her a reply with positive motivating words, need to call her sometime after the trip.
Then saw the mail from Eva, again she sounded so angry and seems to hate me for some reason. If only the reasons were valid and I could understand them. All I ever did was to act in her best interests and always with her happiness in mind. Only thing I did with amit was to open my heart in a time of weakness to him. Something I wanted to do to her if she was open to listening to me. But now she has built up this wall and after repeating the imaginary thing about me spreading bad things about her to all her friends she seems to believe that I have just gone around the world to tarnish her life and image.
I was feeling uncomfortable because we were going to talk after a long time and I was kind of excited and was not sure what to talk and what to say. Just wanted us to talk as casual friends, talk about life, philosophy, pshycology, salsa, belly dancing, hiking, or anything that would make her smile and laugh and keep her happy.
Did not have time to reply to her, but could just feel the intensity of her words==>>>I am not going to invite you to Czech Republic. I am not going to move to the US.
So did she get the Green Card at all? No reply to that. IF she had got the green card, it’s a greater indication of nature granting us even more conditions and signals that we are ment to be together. If only she stopped behaving like a teenager and thought about things in a sound and reasoning way. And not just run away with her emotions. Emotions that seem to cause more confusion than any solution.
Sent her a msg back in reply from the iPhone during the drive to Pittsburg. Explaining that when I said uncomfortable, I ment that I was feeling uncertain about how and what we will talk. And I was not hoping about resolving any issue, that is a very far and distant thing. First I just want us to over come this tension of even starting a conversation.
Anyways we start off around 8:30 am. In Narayans car , take the 80 most of the way. The landscape seems to different from the ones on the west coast, narayan had a good collection of Indian songs which did bring up the mood for sometime.
Stopped maybe once on the way to fill up gas. Then at a mac donalds to have coffee and I had a apple pie, was suddenly reminded of the trip with Eva and her parents to US. One of the girls working at the mac was behaving kind of rude when I told her we were just deciding on the order. So did not go to her to order. Just too scared to deal with angry people.
We reach Pittsburgh around afternoon 3pm. Check into the Days inn. The hotel had a indoor swimming pool and regretted not getting my shorts for going swimming. Pittsburgh reminded me also of Vancouver cause of the river going in between the city.
After a shower and a bit of meditation trying to clear my mind of the sad state of my relationship with eva. We start of towards the Venkateshwara, temple of Pittsburgh, supposed to be run by the same group that takes care of the temple in Tirupathi. As ananya has her induction ceremony to the world of letters, words and education. First we have to stand in line to get in as there is a huge crowd that’s come from all over US for the long weekend. No wonder we could not get the rooms to hotels close to the temple. First have darshan in the tirupathi style. People stand in line one after another and get into the deeper temple area near to the gods statue and the priests give us prasadam , banana, holy water and blesses us with the golden crown.
After the darshan, we get the poojari (priest) to come and have the special ceremony for ananya . She behaves like a good girl and the ceremony is successfully over with the priest blessing her in flowing words of compliments.
: )
Then we go down to the temple cafeteria, where any item is by donation of $2. Have about 16 items packed so that I can eat them at home in Philly after I return. Mostly Tamrind rice and curd rice. And a couple of packets of sweet ladoo. Tirupathi ladoo is the most famous of all ladoos.
After eating the stuff we get to see a gods idol been taken into the temple after it was taken around in a golden chariot. They had some more Prasad. Some stuff made of lentil and sweet potato. Spicey and tasted good too.
Around 7 we decide to go to another temple for Sai Baba. My first visit to a Sai baba temple ever in my life, it’s a couple of miles away and on top of another hill. Seems like all the temples are constructed on top of the hills in Pittsburgh.
Was just in time there for the sunset arthi and prasadam. Again banana, holy water with milk and blessing with silver crown.
Then narayan has another brilliant idea of going to the Jain temple. Again just a couple of miles and we get to see the most magnificent temple I have ever seen in North America. Its majestic and awesome all seem to be in red lime stone or something like that. Its named HINDU JAIN TEMPLE, since when did Jains and hindus get combined. Is not Jainism something similar to Buddhism. There was the statue of Mahivir the founder of Jainism, then there was also the statues of Krishna, laxmi-narayan , Surprise, We were the only people there and the poojari was kind to do pooja for us and gives the holy water, some raisins and cashew.
After taking a few more pics we return back to the hotel, tired as hell. Viki was watch TV and I did not have any interest in watching TV, neither did I fee any kind of anger or irritation because viki was watching TV.
Viki and me shared the single double bed. end up pushing viki off from me, a couple of time during the night.
Got to call up home tomorrow morning and if possible call up Eva.
Wake uo early 6am , it’s a very good time management and adjustment between 5 people to get ready for the Pittsburg trip.
In between check the net. To find a msg from Sara. Poor Had suggested chakri as friend to her and she had not accepted him as she said she did not know him.. Told her that he was the guy who introduced us. Guess she does not remember him from that night.
girl seems to be suffering constantly and fighting against the odds of nature and was apologizing for not been in touch. Then explaining the reasons related to work and how she has to deal with rude customers especially today. She got it really bad with all the series of bad conditons that were happening to her.
First her dad dies about Christmas, then she gets into an accident with a car when she was riding to work on her bike. And then having to go to a remote Italian village to meet up with all her dads family and was constantly reminded of him and his memories. And now she is living with her mom, going to school and working all at the same time. Not been able to do her favourite acitivty of running daily and running the marathons.
I wish I could something for her and my worries and sadness seems to be nothing compared to her natural calamities.
Send her a reply with positive motivating words, need to call her sometime after the trip.
Then saw the mail from Eva, again she sounded so angry and seems to hate me for some reason. If only the reasons were valid and I could understand them. All I ever did was to act in her best interests and always with her happiness in mind. Only thing I did with amit was to open my heart in a time of weakness to him. Something I wanted to do to her if she was open to listening to me. But now she has built up this wall and after repeating the imaginary thing about me spreading bad things about her to all her friends she seems to believe that I have just gone around the world to tarnish her life and image.
I was feeling uncomfortable because we were going to talk after a long time and I was kind of excited and was not sure what to talk and what to say. Just wanted us to talk as casual friends, talk about life, philosophy, pshycology, salsa, belly dancing, hiking, or anything that would make her smile and laugh and keep her happy.
Did not have time to reply to her, but could just feel the intensity of her words==>>>I am not going to invite you to Czech Republic. I am not going to move to the US.
So did she get the Green Card at all? No reply to that. IF she had got the green card, it’s a greater indication of nature granting us even more conditions and signals that we are ment to be together. If only she stopped behaving like a teenager and thought about things in a sound and reasoning way. And not just run away with her emotions. Emotions that seem to cause more confusion than any solution.
Sent her a msg back in reply from the iPhone during the drive to Pittsburg. Explaining that when I said uncomfortable, I ment that I was feeling uncertain about how and what we will talk. And I was not hoping about resolving any issue, that is a very far and distant thing. First I just want us to over come this tension of even starting a conversation.
Anyways we start off around 8:30 am. In Narayans car , take the 80 most of the way. The landscape seems to different from the ones on the west coast, narayan had a good collection of Indian songs which did bring up the mood for sometime.
Stopped maybe once on the way to fill up gas. Then at a mac donalds to have coffee and I had a apple pie, was suddenly reminded of the trip with Eva and her parents to US. One of the girls working at the mac was behaving kind of rude when I told her we were just deciding on the order. So did not go to her to order. Just too scared to deal with angry people.
We reach Pittsburgh around afternoon 3pm. Check into the Days inn. The hotel had a indoor swimming pool and regretted not getting my shorts for going swimming. Pittsburgh reminded me also of Vancouver cause of the river going in between the city.
After a shower and a bit of meditation trying to clear my mind of the sad state of my relationship with eva. We start of towards the Venkateshwara, temple of Pittsburgh, supposed to be run by the same group that takes care of the temple in Tirupathi. As ananya has her induction ceremony to the world of letters, words and education. First we have to stand in line to get in as there is a huge crowd that’s come from all over US for the long weekend. No wonder we could not get the rooms to hotels close to the temple. First have darshan in the tirupathi style. People stand in line one after another and get into the deeper temple area near to the gods statue and the priests give us prasadam , banana, holy water and blesses us with the golden crown.
After the darshan, we get the poojari (priest) to come and have the special ceremony for ananya . She behaves like a good girl and the ceremony is successfully over with the priest blessing her in flowing words of compliments.
: )
Then we go down to the temple cafeteria, where any item is by donation of $2. Have about 16 items packed so that I can eat them at home in Philly after I return. Mostly Tamrind rice and curd rice. And a couple of packets of sweet ladoo. Tirupathi ladoo is the most famous of all ladoos.
After eating the stuff we get to see a gods idol been taken into the temple after it was taken around in a golden chariot. They had some more Prasad. Some stuff made of lentil and sweet potato. Spicey and tasted good too.
Around 7 we decide to go to another temple for Sai Baba. My first visit to a Sai baba temple ever in my life, it’s a couple of miles away and on top of another hill. Seems like all the temples are constructed on top of the hills in Pittsburgh.
Was just in time there for the sunset arthi and prasadam. Again banana, holy water with milk and blessing with silver crown.
Then narayan has another brilliant idea of going to the Jain temple. Again just a couple of miles and we get to see the most magnificent temple I have ever seen in North America. Its majestic and awesome all seem to be in red lime stone or something like that. Its named HINDU JAIN TEMPLE, since when did Jains and hindus get combined. Is not Jainism something similar to Buddhism. There was the statue of Mahivir the founder of Jainism, then there was also the statues of Krishna, laxmi-narayan , Surprise, We were the only people there and the poojari was kind to do pooja for us and gives the holy water, some raisins and cashew.
After taking a few more pics we return back to the hotel, tired as hell. Viki was watch TV and I did not have any interest in watching TV, neither did I fee any kind of anger or irritation because viki was watching TV.
Viki and me shared the single double bed. end up pushing viki off from me, a couple of time during the night.
Got to call up home tomorrow morning and if possible call up Eva.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Hangover from yesterday night
Friday, May 28, 2010
**********************
up early and attended the conf call at 7am.
Day to pay off the bills.
Got mail from Eva. I understand her dilema and not able to see what my point is.
But I still feel that I don`t want to regret latter in life that I did not try as much as possible. I really wish she would be able to look at things in a an un biased way and see the full picture and not be blinded by prejudiced ideas and opinions. I really do love her and think that there is some kind of phenomenal connection between us. Something remarkable that no one else can have.
And wish that she can come and stay with me in kerala to experience a whole different world so different from her life in Gujarat.
If she just goes on a trip to kerala like a tourist, she will surely miss out of all the deeper experience that I so very much want to share with her.
off to work and hope to make a call to her soon.
At work , looks like all the guys are still at home recovering from yesterday nights party. Indian or Indians from the north are not that strong at drinking I guess. Its a whole different for the Malus drinking. And especially for people from my community. :)
Saw the mail from Eva about not wanting to go to US. Did she get the Green Card lottery? and now she does not want to go.
Hope that she is just not been Egoistic or
Hope that she is just not behaving like a person not able to think properly and hope she does not behave and think like a person not bothered about her future.
Its great to experience India, but hope she does not screw up her life chasing a illusion and getting carried away by the excitment of the sudden cultural experience and been treated like a queeen by people who are more impressed by the color of her skin than the depth of her personalty.
Atleast I am doing my best to try to put my EGO to the side, looking at the larger pic and reconcile and make amends and wanting sincerly to try and become partners again.
Lots of things have happened. some very hurting, more because of the way we both thought and felt about things. And all the stress of our life and its uncertainities.
There is nothing that can reverse that, but we can easily work at taking it as a great learning experience and making the future better. And I am sure with improved conditions and maturity we could easily work it out and make our life like lovely spring time again.
Guys here are talking about all kinds of trips to Niagra and other places for the long weekend. hmm already saw all the places about 7 to 8 years ago. no longer hold the thrill.
12 go home and try to call her. which is around 10 pm her time. But the she does not pic up. Get a retrun missed call with a single ring when in wash room. get back and make the call, she says she cannot hear. And there was lot of noise where ever she was. I could clearly hear her.
Tell her will call latter, not sure she heard me.
Send her a message saying will try to call her latter in the week end, she still has that sweet motherly, okaayyy, okaaaayy , hehehe. How can I not fall in love with her forever.
Had to return back to work.
Met Mat sitting outside and smoking, he seemed to have issues with a system failing and producing multiple, confirmation responses emails.
Got call from Narayan wanting to go to Pittsburg with the family to the Ventateshwara Temple there.
Was trying to book the hotel via internet and was only getting smoking rooms. Not sure if I want to be in one that smells. The last hotel stay with Eva in Seattle was in a smoke stinking room.
Paid the Canadian dues for the Credit Cards. And the Phone bill for ATandT.
Viki comes in around 7 pm and i take the wheels of the care and drive like crazy to reach by 8:30 to narayans house. wow felt like I was a nass car driver, was thinking of Miraslov and his accident, kind of feel I don`t care about anything any more and hope its nor sucidal because of my frustartion of my own. And feel as thou my life is not worth anything because Eva is not in my life.... how could I fall so deeply and blindly in love with someone ...
**********************
up early and attended the conf call at 7am.
Day to pay off the bills.
Got mail from Eva. I understand her dilema and not able to see what my point is.
But I still feel that I don`t want to regret latter in life that I did not try as much as possible. I really wish she would be able to look at things in a an un biased way and see the full picture and not be blinded by prejudiced ideas and opinions. I really do love her and think that there is some kind of phenomenal connection between us. Something remarkable that no one else can have.
And wish that she can come and stay with me in kerala to experience a whole different world so different from her life in Gujarat.
If she just goes on a trip to kerala like a tourist, she will surely miss out of all the deeper experience that I so very much want to share with her.
off to work and hope to make a call to her soon.
At work , looks like all the guys are still at home recovering from yesterday nights party. Indian or Indians from the north are not that strong at drinking I guess. Its a whole different for the Malus drinking. And especially for people from my community. :)
Saw the mail from Eva about not wanting to go to US. Did she get the Green Card lottery? and now she does not want to go.
Hope that she is just not been Egoistic or
Hope that she is just not behaving like a person not able to think properly and hope she does not behave and think like a person not bothered about her future.
Its great to experience India, but hope she does not screw up her life chasing a illusion and getting carried away by the excitment of the sudden cultural experience and been treated like a queeen by people who are more impressed by the color of her skin than the depth of her personalty.
Atleast I am doing my best to try to put my EGO to the side, looking at the larger pic and reconcile and make amends and wanting sincerly to try and become partners again.
Lots of things have happened. some very hurting, more because of the way we both thought and felt about things. And all the stress of our life and its uncertainities.
There is nothing that can reverse that, but we can easily work at taking it as a great learning experience and making the future better. And I am sure with improved conditions and maturity we could easily work it out and make our life like lovely spring time again.
Guys here are talking about all kinds of trips to Niagra and other places for the long weekend. hmm already saw all the places about 7 to 8 years ago. no longer hold the thrill.
12 go home and try to call her. which is around 10 pm her time. But the she does not pic up. Get a retrun missed call with a single ring when in wash room. get back and make the call, she says she cannot hear. And there was lot of noise where ever she was. I could clearly hear her.
Tell her will call latter, not sure she heard me.
Send her a message saying will try to call her latter in the week end, she still has that sweet motherly, okaayyy, okaaaayy , hehehe. How can I not fall in love with her forever.
Had to return back to work.
Met Mat sitting outside and smoking, he seemed to have issues with a system failing and producing multiple, confirmation responses emails.
Got call from Narayan wanting to go to Pittsburg with the family to the Ventateshwara Temple there.
Was trying to book the hotel via internet and was only getting smoking rooms. Not sure if I want to be in one that smells. The last hotel stay with Eva in Seattle was in a smoke stinking room.
Paid the Canadian dues for the Credit Cards. And the Phone bill for ATandT.
Viki comes in around 7 pm and i take the wheels of the care and drive like crazy to reach by 8:30 to narayans house. wow felt like I was a nass car driver, was thinking of Miraslov and his accident, kind of feel I don`t care about anything any more and hope its nor sucidal because of my frustartion of my own. And feel as thou my life is not worth anything because Eva is not in my life.... how could I fall so deeply and blindly in love with someone ...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Phenomenal connection
Thurs_day, May 27, 2010
****////****/////*****//////
Got up around 6: and went thru the motions of early morning process.
Decided to send a mail to Eva asking for reconcillation and hope to get back and try as a couple by living together.
Saw her blog, even she was feeling the same 2am her time was 4pm my time. She was feeling it across the ocean and world. the bad vibrations i was going thru.
somethings are unexplained and it is a sign of our connection and a symbol that thou we are far apart we are still connected and part of one body and soul.
Not sure what her mail will be, will she take time to think and process or will she just behave like an arrogant child and shoot it down, feeling the power. As i am the person who is letting my ego to one side and crawling on my knees to make our love bloosom into a wonderful flower of life.
It would be really a very sad day for me if she just rejects it coldly. IT would be very very hurtful to see all the emotion and dreams crushed for so many people, including our parents.
about 8:12 am now on the East coast , time to head off to work. And its a full moon day. Hope that there is a huge change in the stars for us in a positive direction.
Goto work around 9am. tough to find parking again parked at the 6th floor.
Got msg from Rao about he issue with the drivers license. Even he seems to be having problem with it. But of a different type than mine.
Saw her email reply on iPhone. not able to be sure what her state of mind is. Is she in denial of the connection. To me it is so evident, even at the start of our relationship.
And she seems to say that she feels like that on full moon. But the full moon is today in India not yesterday. I know she behaves moody on full moon days. And her friend also feeling bad. Well that could be another thing which only her friend knows better.
Sent her a reply from the iPhone not sure if it went thru.
To me it was just a question of waiting for time, for the bad phase of clouds to pass away and move into strength with the sunlight.
And there is no personal internet at work as they blocked it with fire wall.
:(
I really wish we could just talk things out like we always did and work it out like mature people and like every other couple who have issues with their relationship.
I still don't understand how she is accusing me of behaving bad by talking with Amit. If I wanted to do something bad, I would be doing something else and not talking with Amit, but doing bad to him too. But that is the opposite I was doing and did. How could she so mis understand me.
Yes i was feeling jealous that it is others there showing her the magic of India and not me. It was my dream and wish to be the one to be exploring the world of India with her as a life partner and also to explore Europe and the world.
there is always a motive behind any action, and that’s why in the legal system they have to establish motive before proving someone is guilty.
If that was my motive, Amit would not be the person I would have contacted to make her life horrible. Just one phone call from me would do that.
========== The mail I wanted to send her.............
I contacted Amit with the motive of seeing if there is a potential for our relationship to work out. And told him what my thoughts were and the things that happened And my opinion bout certain things and my stand on certain things. I specifically asked him to patiently listen to your side of the story when he was going to visit you the next week.
What he did after that surprised me. And I thought that he would and he also indicated that he would listen to your side of the detailed story and then try to find areas for correction.
But I think he out did himself and got emotionally carried away and directly asked you about your intentions. And the next day, he sent me a mail saying she must not have slept well. And even thou he screwed it up, he said he will also help correct it
"Don’t worry about the damage it has caused to your relationship with her. I will do the mending myself. I am pretty good at it and I back myself tremendously when it comes to healing up relationships"
That is his exact wording in the mail he send to me the next day. What happened after that level of connection between me and him I am not sure. As he stopped communicating too.
And I was even open to you both becoming a couple and imagining you been happy with someone who can fully take care of you and provide for you as a family. Do you think I would do that if I was feeling so possessive about you at that time and wanted revenge?. I would just have made a call made sure he would not. But I am not like that. And don't want to be like that or use things like that. That is the easy and despotic way of Hitler and Saddam.
================================
12:35 now had sent out an email to her to send her resume to me for possibly applying in Cognizant.
Going home to have food and make a second attempt if I can get the 2nd page of the letter from Social security.
Got the 2nd page of letter from Social security. Such a dis organised mess this name of mine is causing.
Get back to work by 4pm then 4:30 go for the meeting where there is no one.
need to get out at 6:30 for kannans sons birth day.
Got msg from kanana to help him pick up Indian food from Sultan restaurant. so off I go for the full moon night of partying and its Gautam Buddhas 2554th birth day too. Buddha purnima
7pm went to Sultan Restaurant and met with satwant the manager. Who is turning out to be a good friend of mine. As his parents are coming to Vancouver to his brothers house. And he is going there next week or the week after.
Anyway tell him about Kannan`s party order and then he tells me that he had told Kannan that its all cash deal. So I had to put back the credit card and luckily had $40 on me as the balance to pay. Have a good chat with Mr Satwant who wifes family owns the Restaurant. The foof here tastes much better than most of the Indian restaurants in Vancouver.
Around 7:30pm reach Kannans house and a few of the guys chip into help me unload all the food for about 30 people.
Well only about 6 guys among the 12 guys drink, so I became the official in charge of the drinks. It was the Johnny walker whisky that is so standard for all the Indian guys. And thou they had couple of bottles of Wine for the ladies, no one ventured to have it.
So very Indian, I am sure if Eva would have been here, she would have started it for all the ladies to have wine and lectured them about how great it is and tried to convert atleast a few.
But I was the only single guy and just only three other guys did not have kids. Felt odd to be among Indians who I work with for the frist time outside of India. And my first Indian kids birthday party outside of India, always heard stories about it and their social circle of Indian womens.
There was the typical cake cutting lots of pics been taken and as usual lots of food eaten.
At the end of the party the host gave each a gift in return. I had taken a gift of a automatic train that moves on rails for 3 year olds.
let me go check what gift I got back in return.
My gift is a drink flask and couple of chocolate bars and M& M packet. All given to be in a gift bag. Wow had I known this, I would have gotten a costlier gift. Now I feel I got back more than I gave and that makes me feel guilty.
Its about 11 pm and I am really buzzed with the 3 rounds of scotch whisky I had and thinking of the one and only Eva and how she would be feeling and imagining the look on her face. As she will be looking on and wondering how different these people live and how different she lives.
My sympathies will be with her as I think the same about all these parties by Indians in US trying to be more Indian in an American way.<<<<
Some of the kids there seemed so smart and so filled with potential. If the continue to live in US they will surely make a huge impact in the field they choose to be.
Well to be expected when hereditary wise they are the kids of some of the best brains in the world. Wonder how my kids will be.
****////****/////*****//////
Got up around 6: and went thru the motions of early morning process.
Decided to send a mail to Eva asking for reconcillation and hope to get back and try as a couple by living together.
Saw her blog, even she was feeling the same 2am her time was 4pm my time. She was feeling it across the ocean and world. the bad vibrations i was going thru.
somethings are unexplained and it is a sign of our connection and a symbol that thou we are far apart we are still connected and part of one body and soul.
Not sure what her mail will be, will she take time to think and process or will she just behave like an arrogant child and shoot it down, feeling the power. As i am the person who is letting my ego to one side and crawling on my knees to make our love bloosom into a wonderful flower of life.
It would be really a very sad day for me if she just rejects it coldly. IT would be very very hurtful to see all the emotion and dreams crushed for so many people, including our parents.
about 8:12 am now on the East coast , time to head off to work. And its a full moon day. Hope that there is a huge change in the stars for us in a positive direction.
Goto work around 9am. tough to find parking again parked at the 6th floor.
Got msg from Rao about he issue with the drivers license. Even he seems to be having problem with it. But of a different type than mine.
Saw her email reply on iPhone. not able to be sure what her state of mind is. Is she in denial of the connection. To me it is so evident, even at the start of our relationship.
And she seems to say that she feels like that on full moon. But the full moon is today in India not yesterday. I know she behaves moody on full moon days. And her friend also feeling bad. Well that could be another thing which only her friend knows better.
Sent her a reply from the iPhone not sure if it went thru.
To me it was just a question of waiting for time, for the bad phase of clouds to pass away and move into strength with the sunlight.
And there is no personal internet at work as they blocked it with fire wall.
:(
I really wish we could just talk things out like we always did and work it out like mature people and like every other couple who have issues with their relationship.
I still don't understand how she is accusing me of behaving bad by talking with Amit. If I wanted to do something bad, I would be doing something else and not talking with Amit, but doing bad to him too. But that is the opposite I was doing and did. How could she so mis understand me.
Yes i was feeling jealous that it is others there showing her the magic of India and not me. It was my dream and wish to be the one to be exploring the world of India with her as a life partner and also to explore Europe and the world.
there is always a motive behind any action, and that’s why in the legal system they have to establish motive before proving someone is guilty.
If that was my motive, Amit would not be the person I would have contacted to make her life horrible. Just one phone call from me would do that.
========== The mail I wanted to send her.............
I contacted Amit with the motive of seeing if there is a potential for our relationship to work out. And told him what my thoughts were and the things that happened And my opinion bout certain things and my stand on certain things. I specifically asked him to patiently listen to your side of the story when he was going to visit you the next week.
What he did after that surprised me. And I thought that he would and he also indicated that he would listen to your side of the detailed story and then try to find areas for correction.
But I think he out did himself and got emotionally carried away and directly asked you about your intentions. And the next day, he sent me a mail saying she must not have slept well. And even thou he screwed it up, he said he will also help correct it
"Don’t worry about the damage it has caused to your relationship with her. I will do the mending myself. I am pretty good at it and I back myself tremendously when it comes to healing up relationships"
That is his exact wording in the mail he send to me the next day. What happened after that level of connection between me and him I am not sure. As he stopped communicating too.
And I was even open to you both becoming a couple and imagining you been happy with someone who can fully take care of you and provide for you as a family. Do you think I would do that if I was feeling so possessive about you at that time and wanted revenge?. I would just have made a call made sure he would not. But I am not like that. And don't want to be like that or use things like that. That is the easy and despotic way of Hitler and Saddam.
================================
12:35 now had sent out an email to her to send her resume to me for possibly applying in Cognizant.
Going home to have food and make a second attempt if I can get the 2nd page of the letter from Social security.
Got the 2nd page of letter from Social security. Such a dis organised mess this name of mine is causing.
Get back to work by 4pm then 4:30 go for the meeting where there is no one.
need to get out at 6:30 for kannans sons birth day.
Got msg from kanana to help him pick up Indian food from Sultan restaurant. so off I go for the full moon night of partying and its Gautam Buddhas 2554th birth day too. Buddha purnima
7pm went to Sultan Restaurant and met with satwant the manager. Who is turning out to be a good friend of mine. As his parents are coming to Vancouver to his brothers house. And he is going there next week or the week after.
Anyway tell him about Kannan`s party order and then he tells me that he had told Kannan that its all cash deal. So I had to put back the credit card and luckily had $40 on me as the balance to pay. Have a good chat with Mr Satwant who wifes family owns the Restaurant. The foof here tastes much better than most of the Indian restaurants in Vancouver.
Around 7:30pm reach Kannans house and a few of the guys chip into help me unload all the food for about 30 people.
Well only about 6 guys among the 12 guys drink, so I became the official in charge of the drinks. It was the Johnny walker whisky that is so standard for all the Indian guys. And thou they had couple of bottles of Wine for the ladies, no one ventured to have it.
So very Indian, I am sure if Eva would have been here, she would have started it for all the ladies to have wine and lectured them about how great it is and tried to convert atleast a few.
But I was the only single guy and just only three other guys did not have kids. Felt odd to be among Indians who I work with for the frist time outside of India. And my first Indian kids birthday party outside of India, always heard stories about it and their social circle of Indian womens.
There was the typical cake cutting lots of pics been taken and as usual lots of food eaten.
At the end of the party the host gave each a gift in return. I had taken a gift of a automatic train that moves on rails for 3 year olds.
let me go check what gift I got back in return.
My gift is a drink flask and couple of chocolate bars and M& M packet. All given to be in a gift bag. Wow had I known this, I would have gotten a costlier gift. Now I feel I got back more than I gave and that makes me feel guilty.
Its about 11 pm and I am really buzzed with the 3 rounds of scotch whisky I had and thinking of the one and only Eva and how she would be feeling and imagining the look on her face. As she will be looking on and wondering how different these people live and how different she lives.
My sympathies will be with her as I think the same about all these parties by Indians in US trying to be more Indian in an American way.<<<<
Some of the kids there seemed so smart and so filled with potential. If the continue to live in US they will surely make a huge impact in the field they choose to be.
Well to be expected when hereditary wise they are the kids of some of the best brains in the world. Wonder how my kids will be.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Bills to pay.
Wednes_day, May 25, 2010
****////****/////*****//////
up around 6am, checking mails and trying to beat the time.
Need to pay up the bills and get things streamlined. Got to go to the Honda dealer and get quotes for the repair before sending claims to the moving company.
Beautiful day outside. Should I go out dancing tonite or no. It was excting last wednesday with the amount of compliments I got.
Now with no contact with Eva, I feel the urge to go out dancing, but still the guilty consicious of feeling as thou I am cheating on her. Well atleast I am not even asking the girls their name or number and not even asking them for second dance, only they are asking me.
It would have been so nice to have had Eva here, if only she was a bit patient and had belief in me and my ability to find a good job and then I would have felt confident to have got her here and provided for her like any good husband would do.
Just wished that she had the will and commitment to the relationship and not drifted off like a rudderless ship . Well it is with a great sense of feeling that we got both the families involved and just that she did not have it or she was also confused or frustrate or had other plans......
Don`t feel good to send her a mail. as she did not respond in any way to my previous.
I really really wish we could start fresh here in beautiful Lansdale by living together as a team. The trip did bring out the worst in us. Weird that we have our relationship backwards. Then she needs to have her mind open to it too. I think I did send her the mail mentioning that it would be nice to have her here and we could still use the national park pass before it expires.
May be I should plan a trip to Czech in July august, like she wanted and then come back here together. But such a trip would mean lots of pre-planning. And with the wall she seems to have put up. not sure if that is a possibility. If only she would open up communications.
7:45 ,,oo,,,,,oof to work.
The bigger question is has she learnt anything. Has living in india and been with Indian taught her anything at all?
I do see some changes of learning the art of acceptance and compromising. But to what extend has she been able to, given the demands (which are very valid) she made at her work. But most indians learn to let go and compromise and work around the issues.
She is right in standing up and putting her feet down on the basic requirements. But I am looking for the attitude of doing it without her getting angry, pushing for things to get done in a pleasent way. The way she behaves so sweetly when she really wants to. And not been the arrogant person who behaves like a dictator. If you don`t do it my way, I don`t care for you and what you do... that attitude only breeds more of that from others towards her.
Hope that she would atleast show me a sign or inclination to communicate with an email And then maybe I would be motivated to work on visiting Czeck and also asking her to come and live with me and see how we can work it out. With out the tensions and stress of travelling on a trip. I think we could have easily worked on our differences and reached amicable compromises had we not had the stress of long hrs of driving. Most issues need time to talk and digest and sink in to understand. And that I got to agree with her is only possible in the living room when both are in each others presence with the physical touch and emotional connection.
But with my own insecurities and doubts of been able to provide for her and not been able to guarantee a steady place to live in. It did not look like the right time then.
Now things have improved a bit. Feel a lot more confident about taking care of her and been responsible for our daily day to to day life.
But will she or will she not, or is she in love with someone else as I had seen the possibility of her doing it at the first available or is she still into Amit. I have no clue. How she seems to think its worthy enough to even rather fight with me than NOT keep kissing that guy Raymondo is a mystery, maybe she loves him more and thought that I am a person she can just take for granted and twist around as per her own needs and fantasies. And then drop at the first opportunity, like she did now.
But deep down I just think that its her own foolish girlish naivety of not knowing and understanding the priorities of life and relationship. The Sanctity of a relationship which I hold to a very high level and do not like it to be tarnished by any other entering or even getting close to having a chance at taking a shot at splitting us up.
Was she NOT on the same wave length of holding up the values I so cherish in a relationship? But that was an education her parents did not take time to induce into her like most other parents who had a steady relationship as an example.
10am Status meeting, told PM about the previous days meeting with Avaya and them just about starting off. Said will include me in the MOC meetings thats going to be set up.
2:00 head to DMV for 2nd attempt at license with the letter from Harrisburg validating my status in US .
After sitting there for an hour , that guy calls me. Then went thru my documents and after about a series of questions, validating my documents, lease, emplyoyee letter, towards the end he says, your SSN name does not match your drivers licence of Canada. Then I try to explain to him that when I first came to US in 2000 they did not have enough place to enter both my family name and hence I was asked to choose one, So I choose `v`.
Then in he went in to talk to his supervisor and came back saying that I need to go to the Social security dept and get my name in the Social Security changed.
Well here goes my series of obstruction to every work that I hope to get done. Which is not usually an issue for others. Its like some astrological curse on me and obstruction to all and everything that I try to do. No wonder Eva just gave up and ran away. Don`t blame her for not been able to put up with my screwed up life. It would have made her life miserable too.
Anyways with a little bit of hope thrown in, as he said that the social security office is about a few blocks. So drive over as soon as possible, make it into the door just as the security is closing the door. Was filling out the form when the lady calls me in and with my half completed form. she was sweet and heart warming enough to help me make the changes and fill out the form. She put the T in my last name and moved the Va into my first name along with V and then kept the middle name ku. So perfectly reflecting my full name as per the original Ind passport. She gave me a print out of the letter and said that the correct SSN will be coming to me after Immigration verification.
And gave me a letter to the same effect, which she said will be ok with the DMV.
She was so nice and sweet to me, she was like a great soothing sensation for all my troubles. I felt so grateful to her in the middle of all the harshness I am facing in my life, that I felt I would have asked her to marry me.
So I rush back by 4:15 to the DMV and sit out the last couple who were there. Then the guy calls me and when I showed him the letter he said, where is the second part. Grrrrrrr... ahhh again another hurdle. I Tell him she just gave me this part. But then it had the corrected name but not the SSN number.
Aaaaarrrrr for all the stressed up running around and all the issues with my name not matching the standard format of the US. And the short sightedness of the people who created the Social Security programs and the Canadian immigration programs.
What a mess it makes ones life.
Is it my fault to have my own name, keeping with the heritage and tradition of my family and its legacy?
With a head loaded with questions and no easy answer I return back.
The weather today is around 33 deg C. Sudden jump from the low 20s. Lots of people in mini skirts and very short pants.
Maybe I need a shot of sevovitza to calm my nerves. Have one shot and then a glass of Johnny walker with cold water.
Why is it that even for simple things, which usually is not a major issue with for anyone... that I end up having to go thru so many hurdles?????? why why???
And to top it off I am not seeing any movement in the side of Apex or satayam to pay me $4000 that they owe for work done in March. And I ended up spending from my pocket for my travel, hotel stay, and other expenses for the two weeks.
So sent them a threatening letter to go to the labour depart and complain about every one involved.
All these hurdles seem to pop up only in my life to cause more stress. Poor gal eva fell in love for the wrong guy ,,,,, lousy me. Is my life worth anything or is it just there to face trouble more and more. Not able to even visit my sweet parents for the past 4 years. They were even open to me marrying Eva thou it was not their preference, but what can a guy like me do who seems to be cursed at every step. Including been blocked on facebook by the only girl I am in love with madly. Blocked in such a way, now I don`t even know if she is alive or lost.... just for her updates on her blog.
How nice it would have been to have someone sweet enough to help me relax and be there to support me emotionally in my time of need. Would E have had it in her to be supporting or would she have just got angry and caused more issues and stress in my life. Atleast she escaped to India and is probably in love with someone who I hope will really be interested in marrying her and giving her a great life she so truly deserves.
Tomorrow its Kannans sons birth day and he has invited all to come over. It is an US - Indian way of using the kids birth day for all of them and their families to socialize and an opportunity to get drunk. Well it was funny I turned out to be the advisor to Kannan, who was going to keep the two bottles of red wine in the freezer. hehehe.. was wondering again what would be Evas reaction. Luckily he called me and got it out.
I think I will just go to wall mart and get a gift for his son.
arrrrr I just remember in between all this I forgot to have lunch and its 7:30. nice work . good job as eva says. :))))))
freaking life. I am tired of all the disappointments hitting me one after another. :((((
and hoping and wondering if all this uncertainty will every end.
****////****/////*****//////
up around 6am, checking mails and trying to beat the time.
Need to pay up the bills and get things streamlined. Got to go to the Honda dealer and get quotes for the repair before sending claims to the moving company.
Beautiful day outside. Should I go out dancing tonite or no. It was excting last wednesday with the amount of compliments I got.
Now with no contact with Eva, I feel the urge to go out dancing, but still the guilty consicious of feeling as thou I am cheating on her. Well atleast I am not even asking the girls their name or number and not even asking them for second dance, only they are asking me.
It would have been so nice to have had Eva here, if only she was a bit patient and had belief in me and my ability to find a good job and then I would have felt confident to have got her here and provided for her like any good husband would do.
Just wished that she had the will and commitment to the relationship and not drifted off like a rudderless ship . Well it is with a great sense of feeling that we got both the families involved and just that she did not have it or she was also confused or frustrate or had other plans......
Don`t feel good to send her a mail. as she did not respond in any way to my previous.
I really really wish we could start fresh here in beautiful Lansdale by living together as a team. The trip did bring out the worst in us. Weird that we have our relationship backwards. Then she needs to have her mind open to it too. I think I did send her the mail mentioning that it would be nice to have her here and we could still use the national park pass before it expires.
May be I should plan a trip to Czech in July august, like she wanted and then come back here together. But such a trip would mean lots of pre-planning. And with the wall she seems to have put up. not sure if that is a possibility. If only she would open up communications.
7:45 ,,oo,,,,,oof to work.
The bigger question is has she learnt anything. Has living in india and been with Indian taught her anything at all?
I do see some changes of learning the art of acceptance and compromising. But to what extend has she been able to, given the demands (which are very valid) she made at her work. But most indians learn to let go and compromise and work around the issues.
She is right in standing up and putting her feet down on the basic requirements. But I am looking for the attitude of doing it without her getting angry, pushing for things to get done in a pleasent way. The way she behaves so sweetly when she really wants to. And not been the arrogant person who behaves like a dictator. If you don`t do it my way, I don`t care for you and what you do... that attitude only breeds more of that from others towards her.
Hope that she would atleast show me a sign or inclination to communicate with an email And then maybe I would be motivated to work on visiting Czeck and also asking her to come and live with me and see how we can work it out. With out the tensions and stress of travelling on a trip. I think we could have easily worked on our differences and reached amicable compromises had we not had the stress of long hrs of driving. Most issues need time to talk and digest and sink in to understand. And that I got to agree with her is only possible in the living room when both are in each others presence with the physical touch and emotional connection.
But with my own insecurities and doubts of been able to provide for her and not been able to guarantee a steady place to live in. It did not look like the right time then.
Now things have improved a bit. Feel a lot more confident about taking care of her and been responsible for our daily day to to day life.
But will she or will she not, or is she in love with someone else as I had seen the possibility of her doing it at the first available or is she still into Amit. I have no clue. How she seems to think its worthy enough to even rather fight with me than NOT keep kissing that guy Raymondo is a mystery, maybe she loves him more and thought that I am a person she can just take for granted and twist around as per her own needs and fantasies. And then drop at the first opportunity, like she did now.
But deep down I just think that its her own foolish girlish naivety of not knowing and understanding the priorities of life and relationship. The Sanctity of a relationship which I hold to a very high level and do not like it to be tarnished by any other entering or even getting close to having a chance at taking a shot at splitting us up.
Was she NOT on the same wave length of holding up the values I so cherish in a relationship? But that was an education her parents did not take time to induce into her like most other parents who had a steady relationship as an example.
10am Status meeting, told PM about the previous days meeting with Avaya and them just about starting off. Said will include me in the MOC meetings thats going to be set up.
2:00 head to DMV for 2nd attempt at license with the letter from Harrisburg validating my status in US .
After sitting there for an hour , that guy calls me. Then went thru my documents and after about a series of questions, validating my documents, lease, emplyoyee letter, towards the end he says, your SSN name does not match your drivers licence of Canada. Then I try to explain to him that when I first came to US in 2000 they did not have enough place to enter both my family name and hence I was asked to choose one, So I choose `v`.
Then in he went in to talk to his supervisor and came back saying that I need to go to the Social security dept and get my name in the Social Security changed.
Well here goes my series of obstruction to every work that I hope to get done. Which is not usually an issue for others. Its like some astrological curse on me and obstruction to all and everything that I try to do. No wonder Eva just gave up and ran away. Don`t blame her for not been able to put up with my screwed up life. It would have made her life miserable too.
Anyways with a little bit of hope thrown in, as he said that the social security office is about a few blocks. So drive over as soon as possible, make it into the door just as the security is closing the door. Was filling out the form when the lady calls me in and with my half completed form. she was sweet and heart warming enough to help me make the changes and fill out the form. She put the T in my last name and moved the Va into my first name along with V and then kept the middle name ku. So perfectly reflecting my full name as per the original Ind passport. She gave me a print out of the letter and said that the correct SSN will be coming to me after Immigration verification.
And gave me a letter to the same effect, which she said will be ok with the DMV.
She was so nice and sweet to me, she was like a great soothing sensation for all my troubles. I felt so grateful to her in the middle of all the harshness I am facing in my life, that I felt I would have asked her to marry me.
So I rush back by 4:15 to the DMV and sit out the last couple who were there. Then the guy calls me and when I showed him the letter he said, where is the second part. Grrrrrrr... ahhh again another hurdle. I Tell him she just gave me this part. But then it had the corrected name but not the SSN number.
Aaaaarrrrr for all the stressed up running around and all the issues with my name not matching the standard format of the US. And the short sightedness of the people who created the Social Security programs and the Canadian immigration programs.
What a mess it makes ones life.
Is it my fault to have my own name, keeping with the heritage and tradition of my family and its legacy?
With a head loaded with questions and no easy answer I return back.
The weather today is around 33 deg C. Sudden jump from the low 20s. Lots of people in mini skirts and very short pants.
Maybe I need a shot of sevovitza to calm my nerves. Have one shot and then a glass of Johnny walker with cold water.
Why is it that even for simple things, which usually is not a major issue with for anyone... that I end up having to go thru so many hurdles?????? why why???
And to top it off I am not seeing any movement in the side of Apex or satayam to pay me $4000 that they owe for work done in March. And I ended up spending from my pocket for my travel, hotel stay, and other expenses for the two weeks.
So sent them a threatening letter to go to the labour depart and complain about every one involved.
All these hurdles seem to pop up only in my life to cause more stress. Poor gal eva fell in love for the wrong guy ,,,,, lousy me. Is my life worth anything or is it just there to face trouble more and more. Not able to even visit my sweet parents for the past 4 years. They were even open to me marrying Eva thou it was not their preference, but what can a guy like me do who seems to be cursed at every step. Including been blocked on facebook by the only girl I am in love with madly. Blocked in such a way, now I don`t even know if she is alive or lost.... just for her updates on her blog.
How nice it would have been to have someone sweet enough to help me relax and be there to support me emotionally in my time of need. Would E have had it in her to be supporting or would she have just got angry and caused more issues and stress in my life. Atleast she escaped to India and is probably in love with someone who I hope will really be interested in marrying her and giving her a great life she so truly deserves.
Tomorrow its Kannans sons birth day and he has invited all to come over. It is an US - Indian way of using the kids birth day for all of them and their families to socialize and an opportunity to get drunk. Well it was funny I turned out to be the advisor to Kannan, who was going to keep the two bottles of red wine in the freezer. hehehe.. was wondering again what would be Evas reaction. Luckily he called me and got it out.
I think I will just go to wall mart and get a gift for his son.
arrrrr I just remember in between all this I forgot to have lunch and its 7:30. nice work . good job as eva says. :))))))
freaking life. I am tired of all the disappointments hitting me one after another. :((((
and hoping and wondering if all this uncertainty will every end.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Happy day again
TU_day, May 25, 2010
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Woke up around 6am and was aiming for work at 7am, but as usualy now its 8:03 and I am only just ready to get out.
Made masala tea and put in container to take to work, then the salmon curry packed for lunch.
Saw the touching reply from Lubo and Martha. again felt like crying . ahhh so nice people.
just got on to the net to check imp mails and checked e`s blog and saw a reply. Felt happy to connect with her. She is the sweetest when she wants to be, and at that time I feel like conquering the world for her. I hope she always remains the sweet girl I fell madly in love with. Always happy.
Wish we could just get back together here in US, as its easier for her to come. Unlike in Canada, where I was not even sure of a job. And even my concern that I might end up in a place where she might not like turned out to be I am in a place she would love to be. with lots of nature and calmness. The city far away for the occasional salsa dancing.
yesterday I went out for some free salsa dancing, as usual the salsa crowd every where is cheap, they love free places to dance. More people turned out. Wished she was here to enjoy salsa than getting roasted and screwing up her health in the hottest city in India.
8:08 off to work.
Reached desk at 8:35, after struggling to find parking in the parking high raise building. Its surprising how many people turn up early with the hope to avoid traffic. And the indians working with me turn around 9:30am,, hehehe.
Saw that Evi had replied to another blog too. awww she is still the one I love. If only she loved me likewise.
Got to file the Claim for damage to my goods when it was been shipped to US. More concered about the damage to the car.
12:00 got the salmon curry rice from the car, heated it in the microwave and had a full stomach lunch.
Life seems to have changed in many ways, feel a bit more secure and also unsecure. Not sure what will happen, where the waves of future will take me.
Have stopped watching TV its been like more than 2 months now. did not even feel like watching TV when I was in Vancouver.
Eva will be proud to have brought about this change in me. As it goes with her thinking and life style.
Had meeting around 1 to 2pm with the middle ware team and was surprised to know that they have not yet decided on the design and approach for the MOC piece for the screen pop.
Well thats something we can start our work on soon.
Canada just had it long week end, this coming week end its going to be in the US. Other than going to NJ for narayans babys induction into the world of letters (education) ceremony at the temple on saturday. I have nothing planned out. Most of the guys are going around US to Niagra or New York or visiting some historic place, I don't seem to have much other than go out salsa dancing.
5pm training, got out around 7pm dropped off Raj at his house on the way.
wow that is like about 11 hrs at work. its now 7:20 and its bright outside.
Should I go for a run or do some light work out. I did some light work out in the morning.!!???.
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*
Woke up around 6am and was aiming for work at 7am, but as usualy now its 8:03 and I am only just ready to get out.
Made masala tea and put in container to take to work, then the salmon curry packed for lunch.
Saw the touching reply from Lubo and Martha. again felt like crying . ahhh so nice people.
just got on to the net to check imp mails and checked e`s blog and saw a reply. Felt happy to connect with her. She is the sweetest when she wants to be, and at that time I feel like conquering the world for her. I hope she always remains the sweet girl I fell madly in love with. Always happy.
Wish we could just get back together here in US, as its easier for her to come. Unlike in Canada, where I was not even sure of a job. And even my concern that I might end up in a place where she might not like turned out to be I am in a place she would love to be. with lots of nature and calmness. The city far away for the occasional salsa dancing.
yesterday I went out for some free salsa dancing, as usual the salsa crowd every where is cheap, they love free places to dance. More people turned out. Wished she was here to enjoy salsa than getting roasted and screwing up her health in the hottest city in India.
8:08 off to work.
Reached desk at 8:35, after struggling to find parking in the parking high raise building. Its surprising how many people turn up early with the hope to avoid traffic. And the indians working with me turn around 9:30am,, hehehe.
Saw that Evi had replied to another blog too. awww she is still the one I love. If only she loved me likewise.
Got to file the Claim for damage to my goods when it was been shipped to US. More concered about the damage to the car.
12:00 got the salmon curry rice from the car, heated it in the microwave and had a full stomach lunch.
Life seems to have changed in many ways, feel a bit more secure and also unsecure. Not sure what will happen, where the waves of future will take me.
Have stopped watching TV its been like more than 2 months now. did not even feel like watching TV when I was in Vancouver.
Eva will be proud to have brought about this change in me. As it goes with her thinking and life style.
Had meeting around 1 to 2pm with the middle ware team and was surprised to know that they have not yet decided on the design and approach for the MOC piece for the screen pop.
Well thats something we can start our work on soon.
Canada just had it long week end, this coming week end its going to be in the US. Other than going to NJ for narayans babys induction into the world of letters (education) ceremony at the temple on saturday. I have nothing planned out. Most of the guys are going around US to Niagra or New York or visiting some historic place, I don't seem to have much other than go out salsa dancing.
5pm training, got out around 7pm dropped off Raj at his house on the way.
wow that is like about 11 hrs at work. its now 7:20 and its bright outside.
Should I go for a run or do some light work out. I did some light work out in the morning.!!???.
Monday, May 24, 2010
want to over come the feeling
Mooonday, May 24, 2010
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woke up at 6 and was aiming for 7 to be at work. But as usual practical issues take over. now its 7:35 and just thought of updating the blog before I run out with my home cooked food. Which is yesterdays dinner. Salmon curry. The whole room is smelling of curry now. Lucky I closed the bedroom door, is it open now.. Damm it was, anyways closed it .
Was thinking about my feelings. Everytime I think of another gal, I feel as thou I am cheating on Eva. Why is that, she already dumped me and moved on to other guys. Why should I still feel like that? is it cause deep inside I still love her and wish that she would return, surely there is no hope, but there are wishes. Hope I could if she was even thinking like me.
How do I over come this feeling of not been true?
And if I try to hook up with someone for a rebound, even that would not be fair to the other person. Who might really love me and I would not be able to lover her back in return the same way. Ohh how do I over come this feeling???
8:00am reach work desk after parking.
12:00 have luch, which is my last night dinner.
What a life. Peaceful, yet something missing. The security, of living and hope for the next day. My life does not seem to have that thing called security, rather plenty of insecurity, just like the stock market. Up one day, down the next.
Got to start calling up the moving company and claim the damage and also call up geico about having sent the canadian drivers history.
Then bank for some reason they wanted me to call back.
just wondering if this is the real life I want. Feel home sick and with the news of Aunts sickness makes me feel really leathergic.
have to find optimism in something creative.
Called up Bank and got the green signal that nothing is bad and it was just a promo call.
Called up Katie at the Fry wagnor moving and same story of not picking up my call. left a msg about the damage.
Called up Geico and was told that they got my canadian history that i faxed and they need to check my US history. not sure if my premium will change cause of that.
Feel a bit relieve cause of that.
Changed address of Att to lansdale. Tried calling Anil regarding the bill for $96 he was talking about, as I don't see any online.
Sent out mail to Ajit and sangeeta regarding the issues with mrk timesheet.
2:30 called up katie again and got to her thru the receptionist paging her. Said Patty will contact me by tomorrow and have the documents to me for filing in the claims.
Checked E's blog, feels nice that she is getting into Meditation, hope her out look on life and her ability to control her angry outbursts improve. Much needed for her.
3:45 called up Radhish regarding the payment and he seems to be stalling for time. and said some rajshekar the HR guy from satyam is negotiating with them. Told him that I will just go to the labor court and complain about them all. And asked him to give me the email address of Rajshekar.
Tempted to send Eva a mail asking her again if she would like to try out been together in US and see how it all goes. Wish she would have been a bit more mature minded and not shoot to extremes like breaking up and then regreting it..... kind of unstable way of thinking by a person when we both were comitted to achieving the ultimate , marriage.
4:30 meeting
6:25 call up Niti Mehta of Apex-2000 regarding the status of my salary. and she was non-commitive and was trying to blame me. got irritate and told her that I did give enough notice unlike she is making it out to be. 703-961-0288 x 101.
Will wait for one more week, send out an official mail to her tonite with all the other concerned people involved. And look at the opitions of going to Labour Dept and complaining about them.
Gosh almost spent $4000 on all this.
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*
woke up at 6 and was aiming for 7 to be at work. But as usual practical issues take over. now its 7:35 and just thought of updating the blog before I run out with my home cooked food. Which is yesterdays dinner. Salmon curry. The whole room is smelling of curry now. Lucky I closed the bedroom door, is it open now.. Damm it was, anyways closed it .
Was thinking about my feelings. Everytime I think of another gal, I feel as thou I am cheating on Eva. Why is that, she already dumped me and moved on to other guys. Why should I still feel like that? is it cause deep inside I still love her and wish that she would return, surely there is no hope, but there are wishes. Hope I could if she was even thinking like me.
How do I over come this feeling of not been true?
And if I try to hook up with someone for a rebound, even that would not be fair to the other person. Who might really love me and I would not be able to lover her back in return the same way. Ohh how do I over come this feeling???
8:00am reach work desk after parking.
12:00 have luch, which is my last night dinner.
What a life. Peaceful, yet something missing. The security, of living and hope for the next day. My life does not seem to have that thing called security, rather plenty of insecurity, just like the stock market. Up one day, down the next.
Got to start calling up the moving company and claim the damage and also call up geico about having sent the canadian drivers history.
Then bank for some reason they wanted me to call back.
just wondering if this is the real life I want. Feel home sick and with the news of Aunts sickness makes me feel really leathergic.
have to find optimism in something creative.
Called up Bank and got the green signal that nothing is bad and it was just a promo call.
Called up Katie at the Fry wagnor moving and same story of not picking up my call. left a msg about the damage.
Called up Geico and was told that they got my canadian history that i faxed and they need to check my US history. not sure if my premium will change cause of that.
Feel a bit relieve cause of that.
Changed address of Att to lansdale. Tried calling Anil regarding the bill for $96 he was talking about, as I don't see any online.
Sent out mail to Ajit and sangeeta regarding the issues with mrk timesheet.
2:30 called up katie again and got to her thru the receptionist paging her. Said Patty will contact me by tomorrow and have the documents to me for filing in the claims.
Checked E's blog, feels nice that she is getting into Meditation, hope her out look on life and her ability to control her angry outbursts improve. Much needed for her.
3:45 called up Radhish regarding the payment and he seems to be stalling for time. and said some rajshekar the HR guy from satyam is negotiating with them. Told him that I will just go to the labor court and complain about them all. And asked him to give me the email address of Rajshekar.
Tempted to send Eva a mail asking her again if she would like to try out been together in US and see how it all goes. Wish she would have been a bit more mature minded and not shoot to extremes like breaking up and then regreting it..... kind of unstable way of thinking by a person when we both were comitted to achieving the ultimate , marriage.
4:30 meeting
6:25 call up Niti Mehta of Apex-2000 regarding the status of my salary. and she was non-commitive and was trying to blame me. got irritate and told her that I did give enough notice unlike she is making it out to be. 703-961-0288 x 101.
Will wait for one more week, send out an official mail to her tonite with all the other concerned people involved. And look at the opitions of going to Labour Dept and complaining about them.
Gosh almost spent $4000 on all this.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
wake up with night mare
Sunday, May 23, 2010
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.
ok try to get back to sleeping. need to start working out, this week was lost and only work out was dancing crazy salsa and one merengue with a cute Italian looking gal.
Have a feeling something major is going to happen soon. Need to start focusing on career. Thou my heart is crying out for someone dear and near in my life. All the artificial created egoistic walls. If only they were easy to climb.
From the first girl (Sr) who left a huge gap in my life with her betrayal, by prefering to marry a rich guy over me,
to (Ni) my crush with the sweet smile and seemingly innocent behavior.
to (MP) who I liked but never really loved, She knew it well as I never said I did love her nor said any lie to mislead her. Was partially my need for companion ship when in mumbai.
to (AsM) who was so sweet and ideal, like soul mates in happiness, but then my own conservative requirement to only marry a malu,
to the one (NaP) the pediatrician, who I almost got engaged to and whos parents turned out to be family friends of my parents, and family friends for 100`s of years, who betrayed me by leading me on to believe that she wants to spend all her life with me, no matter what her dad says and went on to marry another docter her dad arranged for, and who had more guy friends than girls.
to (Su) mechanial Engg, like me, who I spend hrs talking into the late nights and was on a swing of emotions and who prefered men friends over girl friends.
to (Jo) who was a free spiritied gal, turned out had a preference for too many men friends in her life and prefered muscled white men,
to (GiL) who I fell head over heals for all the saddness and trouble she faced in life and who betrayed me by cheating on me with her ex.
to (MaAn) who I ended up in bed the fastest for her deep need for an Indian boyfriend to my need to validate myself after the betrayal by Gi. And who moved away as soon as she came into my life.
To (LiB) who was playing the game of trying to have me and other at the same time and trying to control,
to (TaB) who was trying to give me the excuse of, I am going to have lots of friends and I don`t care what you think (only her friends also happened to be fuck buddies).
To (EvS) who was also exibiting the same traits of wanting too many guy friends but stopped short of becoming fuck buddies to all the guy friends she tries to have and calls all girl friends as stupid.
She was the one I was hoping to spend the rest of my life. The one i opened up my life and heart of recent with lots of hesitation after about 2 years, to the extend of wanting to go against my own parents wishes. But who turned out to be in love with someone else really and I was just another stepping stone for her. Thought that I could trust her unlike the other gals, but soon she started exhibiting the lying pattern of behavior that I have become so familiar with. The same dialogues, the same vauge talk, the same words of leaving too much to imagination to simple questions, hahahaha,, after sometime it becomes so easy to spot a lying cheating female. They all have the same pattern of behavior, all cheating humans do. EvS was the one I was so looking forward to having lots of kids with and a great bubbling happy family. But like someone said so appropriately, she still needs to find herself. Just that by the time she finds herself, it will be too late to be with me. Thats the choice she had and thats the choice she made.
I gave up my significant career, just to be with her and spend time with her travelling on the west coast of US. And all I got in return was a load of pain and anguish from her self-centered behavior.
Before the trip it was, i don`t care about hiking, just want to spend time with you, within 24 hrs of landing, she just dumped me and the food (that I was not interested in) and walked away , with out even a word. Not even the common courtesy and decency to say, `I am going down for the hike`.
And then she has the nerve to tell me about behaving like a civilized person and how to talk decently and respectfully. Well lady, how about practicing before expecting something like that in return.
The Dozen who came into my life, my one sided affairs and my just kiss for the moment on the dance floor, a few passionate bachata dancers, who danced like we were having sex with cloths on, don`t remember most of the rest much. These are the top 12 from my first to my last so far.
There are few others who i met briefly, but circumstances did not permit for things to develop, like SaB and Del. Two sweet and nice gals, if circumstances were different or I had met them at different times, would have probably ended up marrying one of them.
There were many more small time affairs and one sided crushes, in between not significant.
Common thread, gals with too many guy friends, always trouble and never going to be in love forever, with me.
Too much of gypsy mentality.
And most of these gals made the move on me. Another thing to avoid.
I think I choose the easy path as, these gals were already interested in me when I was not really interested or available. And gave into the temptation.
And then when I started getting too deeply involved, they just backed out. It was like they were interested in me when I was a challenge and once they got me, they lost interest.
Back to sleep. And wait the real purpose in my life. Got to start focusing on my career, too much time lost chasing dreams and excitement that took me nowhere. While all the lousy guys seems to have made it big, with their own house(s) and family and steady life.
Woke up again from a night mare I could not remember around 7:am. To many disturbing thoughts and dreams, have to get back into mediating mode again.
Cleaned up the washroom a bit. surprising how much of scum gets accumulated even by one person in a month.
Maybe go to the temple in NJ around afternoon. now its 9: maybe call up home, then do more organizing and unpâcking and then head off around 11am or better still in the afternoon to avoid rush. Sounds like a plan.
9:45 called up home and no one picked up the phone. Called again, dad picks up and says that they just got back from a party.
Its seems Cousins son ``ATHUL`` got an award for topping the exams of High School, from the state government last year. He got the award given to him about 1,250 US dollars just a few days ago. He was among the 2 people who got it.
So there was a small little family party at an hotel. And there were 25 people. let me see, ahhh even if I count the closest family its more than 25, so some must not have come. And even his baby sister ``Ankitha`` got top marks this year A+. Thats another party next year. Wow it must be the water there. All my cousins even my mom topped their regional exams. Feels nice to be part of an elite group of intellectual people.
Sad news, my fav aunt Shailaja, got re-admitted to hospital after her breast cancer which was supposed to have been cured appeared or rather spread to some other areas. Other aunts are taking time to spend with her in the hospital. Feel like crying.
1:00pm head out and drive towards temple, talk with AV and narayan briefly on the way.
2:30 reach temple.
3:00 get into the cafetria of temple after prayers and bit of mediation and order 3 tamrind rice to take out.
3:30 start off from temple
5:30 reach home after filling up gas on the way, just before entering the Penn state border in New Jersey.
1st attempt to cook my salmon curry.
atlast motivate myself to do it. now its almost 9:45pm and maybe I will let it boil for another 15 mins on low. Not feeling hungry at all. Friday just had one hot dog, Even on Saturday did not eat anything, and only had tamrind rice in the evening today. Kind of becoming a person who can live on with out food. Or is it depression that I am going thru??
Thinking of aunt and wishing her and praying for her well being. Its been almost 4 years since I have seen anyone in my family. Whats happening to me and my life, when will I be able to go to my lovely land of gods. Natural and serene in its virgin beauty. Green that seems to make my eyes relax like an open eyed meditation.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.
ok try to get back to sleeping. need to start working out, this week was lost and only work out was dancing crazy salsa and one merengue with a cute Italian looking gal.
Have a feeling something major is going to happen soon. Need to start focusing on career. Thou my heart is crying out for someone dear and near in my life. All the artificial created egoistic walls. If only they were easy to climb.
From the first girl (Sr) who left a huge gap in my life with her betrayal, by prefering to marry a rich guy over me,
to (Ni) my crush with the sweet smile and seemingly innocent behavior.
to (MP) who I liked but never really loved, She knew it well as I never said I did love her nor said any lie to mislead her. Was partially my need for companion ship when in mumbai.
to (AsM) who was so sweet and ideal, like soul mates in happiness, but then my own conservative requirement to only marry a malu,
to the one (NaP) the pediatrician, who I almost got engaged to and whos parents turned out to be family friends of my parents, and family friends for 100`s of years, who betrayed me by leading me on to believe that she wants to spend all her life with me, no matter what her dad says and went on to marry another docter her dad arranged for, and who had more guy friends than girls.
to (Su) mechanial Engg, like me, who I spend hrs talking into the late nights and was on a swing of emotions and who prefered men friends over girl friends.
to (Jo) who was a free spiritied gal, turned out had a preference for too many men friends in her life and prefered muscled white men,
to (GiL) who I fell head over heals for all the saddness and trouble she faced in life and who betrayed me by cheating on me with her ex.
to (MaAn) who I ended up in bed the fastest for her deep need for an Indian boyfriend to my need to validate myself after the betrayal by Gi. And who moved away as soon as she came into my life.
To (LiB) who was playing the game of trying to have me and other at the same time and trying to control,
to (TaB) who was trying to give me the excuse of, I am going to have lots of friends and I don`t care what you think (only her friends also happened to be fuck buddies).
To (EvS) who was also exibiting the same traits of wanting too many guy friends but stopped short of becoming fuck buddies to all the guy friends she tries to have and calls all girl friends as stupid.
She was the one I was hoping to spend the rest of my life. The one i opened up my life and heart of recent with lots of hesitation after about 2 years, to the extend of wanting to go against my own parents wishes. But who turned out to be in love with someone else really and I was just another stepping stone for her. Thought that I could trust her unlike the other gals, but soon she started exhibiting the lying pattern of behavior that I have become so familiar with. The same dialogues, the same vauge talk, the same words of leaving too much to imagination to simple questions, hahahaha,, after sometime it becomes so easy to spot a lying cheating female. They all have the same pattern of behavior, all cheating humans do. EvS was the one I was so looking forward to having lots of kids with and a great bubbling happy family. But like someone said so appropriately, she still needs to find herself. Just that by the time she finds herself, it will be too late to be with me. Thats the choice she had and thats the choice she made.
I gave up my significant career, just to be with her and spend time with her travelling on the west coast of US. And all I got in return was a load of pain and anguish from her self-centered behavior.
Before the trip it was, i don`t care about hiking, just want to spend time with you, within 24 hrs of landing, she just dumped me and the food (that I was not interested in) and walked away , with out even a word. Not even the common courtesy and decency to say, `I am going down for the hike`.
And then she has the nerve to tell me about behaving like a civilized person and how to talk decently and respectfully. Well lady, how about practicing before expecting something like that in return.
The Dozen who came into my life, my one sided affairs and my just kiss for the moment on the dance floor, a few passionate bachata dancers, who danced like we were having sex with cloths on, don`t remember most of the rest much. These are the top 12 from my first to my last so far.
There are few others who i met briefly, but circumstances did not permit for things to develop, like SaB and Del. Two sweet and nice gals, if circumstances were different or I had met them at different times, would have probably ended up marrying one of them.
There were many more small time affairs and one sided crushes, in between not significant.
Common thread, gals with too many guy friends, always trouble and never going to be in love forever, with me.
Too much of gypsy mentality.
And most of these gals made the move on me. Another thing to avoid.
I think I choose the easy path as, these gals were already interested in me when I was not really interested or available. And gave into the temptation.
And then when I started getting too deeply involved, they just backed out. It was like they were interested in me when I was a challenge and once they got me, they lost interest.
Back to sleep. And wait the real purpose in my life. Got to start focusing on my career, too much time lost chasing dreams and excitement that took me nowhere. While all the lousy guys seems to have made it big, with their own house(s) and family and steady life.
Woke up again from a night mare I could not remember around 7:am. To many disturbing thoughts and dreams, have to get back into mediating mode again.
Cleaned up the washroom a bit. surprising how much of scum gets accumulated even by one person in a month.
Maybe go to the temple in NJ around afternoon. now its 9: maybe call up home, then do more organizing and unpâcking and then head off around 11am or better still in the afternoon to avoid rush. Sounds like a plan.
9:45 called up home and no one picked up the phone. Called again, dad picks up and says that they just got back from a party.
Its seems Cousins son ``ATHUL`` got an award for topping the exams of High School, from the state government last year. He got the award given to him about 1,250 US dollars just a few days ago. He was among the 2 people who got it.
So there was a small little family party at an hotel. And there were 25 people. let me see, ahhh even if I count the closest family its more than 25, so some must not have come. And even his baby sister ``Ankitha`` got top marks this year A+. Thats another party next year. Wow it must be the water there. All my cousins even my mom topped their regional exams. Feels nice to be part of an elite group of intellectual people.
Sad news, my fav aunt Shailaja, got re-admitted to hospital after her breast cancer which was supposed to have been cured appeared or rather spread to some other areas. Other aunts are taking time to spend with her in the hospital. Feel like crying.
1:00pm head out and drive towards temple, talk with AV and narayan briefly on the way.
2:30 reach temple.
3:00 get into the cafetria of temple after prayers and bit of mediation and order 3 tamrind rice to take out.
3:30 start off from temple
5:30 reach home after filling up gas on the way, just before entering the Penn state border in New Jersey.
1st attempt to cook my salmon curry.
atlast motivate myself to do it. now its almost 9:45pm and maybe I will let it boil for another 15 mins on low. Not feeling hungry at all. Friday just had one hot dog, Even on Saturday did not eat anything, and only had tamrind rice in the evening today. Kind of becoming a person who can live on with out food. Or is it depression that I am going thru??
Thinking of aunt and wishing her and praying for her well being. Its been almost 4 years since I have seen anyone in my family. Whats happening to me and my life, when will I be able to go to my lovely land of gods. Natural and serene in its virgin beauty. Green that seems to make my eyes relax like an open eyed meditation.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
morning after night out
Sat, May 22, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woke up after a late night of Salsa in the city. Found two places to dance salsa in downtown now.
It was an amazing nite dancing with some really hot looking girls who were able to follow. One girl came and asked me to dance twice, one on a cha-cha and then surprisingly she came all the way from across the room and asked me dance on a bachata.
Is there something there? She waved a very shy bye-bye before she left for the night. And she seemed to be looking at me when she was dancing with other guys.
Not sure what will happen. Girls are all mysterious. She is undoubtedly very pretty and her friend also was very hot looking. Her friend was so easy to dance salsa with, she seemed so happy after I dipped her a couple of times. She loved it most , was smiling from ear to ear and looked like she was going to kiss me, had I not moved my face and it ended up in a side kiss and hug. Her eyes and expression looked the same way evas was when she surprised me with a tongue lock kiss on top of cypress.
Ahhhh I am not one who likes to have a relationship with someone because she is hot. Yes it does help in the sexual attraction department.
And then met a girl from Brazil who looked so much like an indian and her boy friend comes and asks me to dance with her. wow! Either I have become a better dancer by not dancing for so many months or something magical is about to happen.
Surprising I don`t remember any of their names, its like I don`t care what your name is, you are going to be another of those sluts who will just use me for what ever you see on the outside and then dump me for another bigger better deal (BBD). Its all like the business deals for you in the west. Just business. :) So why should I treat you different. I will also use u for what ever you are worth. That way I don`t have much emotion committed to you.
Got msg on Skype from Lubo about letter arriving , that I sent with Evas tax returns.
The online status showed that it came about 15 days ago to their country. And missy Eva did not even have the courtesy to reply to my mail. After her trip to Delhi and feeling like an arrogant celebrity, it looks like she thinks that every one should just come and kiss up her back. And that she can just cut people off like some cold hearted slut... yes slut is the word that Amit used and she proved him right. Have to agree with amit and also Nilesh that this is what you can expect from the people of the west. And I just turned out to be the fool who sent her dresses and collector items for her birth day. And all the while she was really going to »India to meet him and be with him. She might not be slut in the physical sense (not yet), but on the emotional side, she is big time. And does what most sluts do, fool themselves into believing that they are very poius and pure and are very consicious about critizism from their close ones and try to project a different image to their close people.
Again proving my instincts right that I did not travel to India with her or commit to going to India to travel to Kerala with her, as she just needed me as back up if Amit does not fall into her trap. Or who know that guy Rishit or her kiss buddy Mihir. Like I foresaw, she would end up with someone there, as is her character with in the month. And another one the next. .. Much against what she said, how can I get into another relationship so soon.... well here u go.
It feels so sick that she just wanted to maintain a cordial relationship till she got her check and then as soon as she got her check and returned from Delhi she decided to cut off on facebook. Something that I did not have the heart to do.
And now it feels so strange to be in communication with her parents, who were potential in-laws. Well she is the product of their creation, if I am feeling sick of her overall behavior, then they have to take some blame too. Her selfish mother most of all. Her mother does not come across to me as a honest person. Maybe very sensitive person, but she is not honest with herself. And that is one trait that Eva seems to have in her a lot. A LOT.
Well like beena said``
She has focus mostly on defining the problem wrong. And hence will continue to do the same mistakes as she goes on ahead. Until such time as she decides to face the honest reality of her own actions.
Its great to read about good positive words, but whats the use if your actions are contradicting your words. And everything she writes on the Facebook wall feels like pretty boxes with junk in them. As whats inside is so shallow and superficial.
Hope that her new move into mediation might help her improve her inner self. Or again if she chooses the easier way of combining her own comfort level mixing junk with it, then its a lost cause.
Got to move on, maybe she and others before her are just some kind of trial runs for me before the real love comes into my life. But it feels so sick and not right. Why did so many things happen, why so many co-incidences. And why did I put in so much energy and my life into it, working and hoping that she was the one. Only to have her kick and stomp my heart like some crazy ball or to be crushed like a grape.
I still never under stood her fettish for kissing and been kissed by strangers. I thought and others think too that the may 1st kiss should be by someone we love not just random strangers or friends. Its celebrating lovers day by that special kiss . Not the love between friends, between friends its on the cheeks not mouth to mouth.
Guess she is not even aware of the pics raymondo posted on the web of them kissing last year. It felt so sick to see those pics, it was not just one kiss, it was so many and she calls it ahh just a kiss between friends,, yea right,,, stop bullshiting yourself first. He was just using that as a stage to get to the next stage of having sex as just friends. just like so many other guys in salsa , who use tricks like that to induce and seduce girls, step by step. Either she is truly an idot or she is someone who is not aware of the boundaries of relationship and where to draw the line or is like other girls who get easily seduced by playboys who know how to exploit weak character women.
I surely would not be able to live with someone kissing my wife or lover on the mouth. I would die of jealousy. And to me it is as holy as having loyalty and faithfullness towards my partner. But her values seem to be different or the values she liked to adopt. And its not anything to do with culture. Its all about man-women relationship and its sacredness to ones own heart. The fact that she so easily broke off everytime she got angry says that she does not hold the union and relationship to the high standards that I hold. For her its just an ego boost or just another kiss with some stranger on the mouth.
Well its not like that for me.
Good lesson learnt, next time there is someone who is showing any sick behavior like that, just cut them off and move away.
Well she will either become someone who will just go around the world changing boyfriends every month and become a true slut like amit said or will end up marrying Amit if she is lucky to trap him. Or who knows he must be a smarter guy who will just seduce her with his words and just use her for what ever ideas he has. He atleast seems to have screwed it up big time between me and her or no, she was already setting it up to appear that way so that it will be easier to convince him or her next lover that I was an ass hole. Good for her and her Karma. cheers.
1:00pm, After noon set out to go shopping at costco, Patel grocerries and wal mart.
Funny how I just said kem-cho to a lady giving out samples at costco and she just started talking to me in gujarathi and I was just looking at her not knowing what to say.
4:00pm returned back home and noticed that there are a bunch of girls living opposite to my apartment and they were having a party... hmm would be nice to get to meet them.
New neighbor replaced the Indian from hyderabad. New guy is from Haiti. Seems to be having a bit of snobbishness about him. The french ascent even thou he is of african origin.
Wanted to cook my first salmon curry, had Bru Coffee that I brought at the Patel store, thought that it would be instant coffee, but it was not, so kind of disappointed there.
Feeling so sleepy, passed out in the couch, this time with out TV. woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woke up after a late night of Salsa in the city. Found two places to dance salsa in downtown now.
It was an amazing nite dancing with some really hot looking girls who were able to follow. One girl came and asked me to dance twice, one on a cha-cha and then surprisingly she came all the way from across the room and asked me dance on a bachata.
Is there something there? She waved a very shy bye-bye before she left for the night. And she seemed to be looking at me when she was dancing with other guys.
Not sure what will happen. Girls are all mysterious. She is undoubtedly very pretty and her friend also was very hot looking. Her friend was so easy to dance salsa with, she seemed so happy after I dipped her a couple of times. She loved it most , was smiling from ear to ear and looked like she was going to kiss me, had I not moved my face and it ended up in a side kiss and hug. Her eyes and expression looked the same way evas was when she surprised me with a tongue lock kiss on top of cypress.
Ahhhh I am not one who likes to have a relationship with someone because she is hot. Yes it does help in the sexual attraction department.
And then met a girl from Brazil who looked so much like an indian and her boy friend comes and asks me to dance with her. wow! Either I have become a better dancer by not dancing for so many months or something magical is about to happen.
Surprising I don`t remember any of their names, its like I don`t care what your name is, you are going to be another of those sluts who will just use me for what ever you see on the outside and then dump me for another bigger better deal (BBD). Its all like the business deals for you in the west. Just business. :) So why should I treat you different. I will also use u for what ever you are worth. That way I don`t have much emotion committed to you.
Got msg on Skype from Lubo about letter arriving , that I sent with Evas tax returns.
The online status showed that it came about 15 days ago to their country. And missy Eva did not even have the courtesy to reply to my mail. After her trip to Delhi and feeling like an arrogant celebrity, it looks like she thinks that every one should just come and kiss up her back. And that she can just cut people off like some cold hearted slut... yes slut is the word that Amit used and she proved him right. Have to agree with amit and also Nilesh that this is what you can expect from the people of the west. And I just turned out to be the fool who sent her dresses and collector items for her birth day. And all the while she was really going to »India to meet him and be with him. She might not be slut in the physical sense (not yet), but on the emotional side, she is big time. And does what most sluts do, fool themselves into believing that they are very poius and pure and are very consicious about critizism from their close ones and try to project a different image to their close people.
Again proving my instincts right that I did not travel to India with her or commit to going to India to travel to Kerala with her, as she just needed me as back up if Amit does not fall into her trap. Or who know that guy Rishit or her kiss buddy Mihir. Like I foresaw, she would end up with someone there, as is her character with in the month. And another one the next. .. Much against what she said, how can I get into another relationship so soon.... well here u go.
It feels so sick that she just wanted to maintain a cordial relationship till she got her check and then as soon as she got her check and returned from Delhi she decided to cut off on facebook. Something that I did not have the heart to do.
And now it feels so strange to be in communication with her parents, who were potential in-laws. Well she is the product of their creation, if I am feeling sick of her overall behavior, then they have to take some blame too. Her selfish mother most of all. Her mother does not come across to me as a honest person. Maybe very sensitive person, but she is not honest with herself. And that is one trait that Eva seems to have in her a lot. A LOT.
Well like beena said``
"When you fall, don't see the place where you fell, instead see the place from where you slipped. Life is about correcting mistakes."
She has focus mostly on defining the problem wrong. And hence will continue to do the same mistakes as she goes on ahead. Until such time as she decides to face the honest reality of her own actions.
Its great to read about good positive words, but whats the use if your actions are contradicting your words. And everything she writes on the Facebook wall feels like pretty boxes with junk in them. As whats inside is so shallow and superficial.
Hope that her new move into mediation might help her improve her inner self. Or again if she chooses the easier way of combining her own comfort level mixing junk with it, then its a lost cause.
Got to move on, maybe she and others before her are just some kind of trial runs for me before the real love comes into my life. But it feels so sick and not right. Why did so many things happen, why so many co-incidences. And why did I put in so much energy and my life into it, working and hoping that she was the one. Only to have her kick and stomp my heart like some crazy ball or to be crushed like a grape.
I still never under stood her fettish for kissing and been kissed by strangers. I thought and others think too that the may 1st kiss should be by someone we love not just random strangers or friends. Its celebrating lovers day by that special kiss . Not the love between friends, between friends its on the cheeks not mouth to mouth.
Guess she is not even aware of the pics raymondo posted on the web of them kissing last year. It felt so sick to see those pics, it was not just one kiss, it was so many and she calls it ahh just a kiss between friends,, yea right,,, stop bullshiting yourself first. He was just using that as a stage to get to the next stage of having sex as just friends. just like so many other guys in salsa , who use tricks like that to induce and seduce girls, step by step. Either she is truly an idot or she is someone who is not aware of the boundaries of relationship and where to draw the line or is like other girls who get easily seduced by playboys who know how to exploit weak character women.
I surely would not be able to live with someone kissing my wife or lover on the mouth. I would die of jealousy. And to me it is as holy as having loyalty and faithfullness towards my partner. But her values seem to be different or the values she liked to adopt. And its not anything to do with culture. Its all about man-women relationship and its sacredness to ones own heart. The fact that she so easily broke off everytime she got angry says that she does not hold the union and relationship to the high standards that I hold. For her its just an ego boost or just another kiss with some stranger on the mouth.
Well its not like that for me.
Good lesson learnt, next time there is someone who is showing any sick behavior like that, just cut them off and move away.
Well she will either become someone who will just go around the world changing boyfriends every month and become a true slut like amit said or will end up marrying Amit if she is lucky to trap him. Or who knows he must be a smarter guy who will just seduce her with his words and just use her for what ever ideas he has. He atleast seems to have screwed it up big time between me and her or no, she was already setting it up to appear that way so that it will be easier to convince him or her next lover that I was an ass hole. Good for her and her Karma. cheers.
1:00pm, After noon set out to go shopping at costco, Patel grocerries and wal mart.
Funny how I just said kem-cho to a lady giving out samples at costco and she just started talking to me in gujarathi and I was just looking at her not knowing what to say.
4:00pm returned back home and noticed that there are a bunch of girls living opposite to my apartment and they were having a party... hmm would be nice to get to meet them.
New neighbor replaced the Indian from hyderabad. New guy is from Haiti. Seems to be having a bit of snobbishness about him. The french ascent even thou he is of african origin.
Wanted to cook my first salmon curry, had Bru Coffee that I brought at the Patel store, thought that it would be instant coffee, but it was not, so kind of disappointed there.
Feeling so sleepy, passed out in the couch, this time with out TV. woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.
Friday, May 21, 2010
slept like a log
Frieeedddday, May 21, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
slept like a log,,, wooo that sounded like Eva. strange that I notice that I have taken up many of her words and thoughts. Guess if we had lived together I we would probably end becoming like each other, who knows, I will end up hating TV and she will end up loving TV and we will end up having a fight for that and i will be probably walking out of the house in a huff.
6:30am , just got out of the wash room ,lets see how soon I can make it to work.
Make it to work in 5 mins , just 2.5miles from my parking to work parking. Get parking on the ground floor. But amazingly there was lots of traffic at 7:40am. Reached desk @ 7:50am. Next target is to make it in by 7am.
Start working on the Vaccine call center related files. to get a better handle as regards to the flow of calls. Get georges help with a few doubts.
12 noon kannan wants to do to Delaware to get some of his stuff that he left off there during the last visit. So agreed to go along with him.
Got mail from Radish regarding my pay for the 2 weeks in Newyork. so far nothing seems to have been resolved. If things come to shove, only alternative for me is to go to the labor court, I spent a ton of money traveling there and also staying in hotel, paying all out of my own pocket.
12:40 get out of work to go to Delaware (neighboring state) to the costco there with Kannan.
Have the famous hotdog and drink for $1.50. Kannan has cheese pizza slice as he does not eat beef. I am not a big pizza guy, as I end up with stomach issues.
Initially went there to just give Kannan comany, then ended up buying 4 bottles of Alcohol. Jonnnywalker, Hennesy, Chilean wine and Smirnoff Vodka. And Delaware state does not have state taxes. Thats nice if the stuff I need to buy is more than $200 or if I am travelling in that direction.
Get back to work around 4:30 to attend the training.
6:30 get back home droping Rajshekar who live a bit off the street (1 mile).
Have the mutton curry that I got last sunday from Narayans house. Assembled my blender. Still need to do the unpacking of about 50% stuff. That maybe stuff I might not need immediately.
Wonder what would have happened if Evi was here. I would have just let her decorate and take care of the interior design and layout of the house as she fancies. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
slept like a log,,, wooo that sounded like Eva. strange that I notice that I have taken up many of her words and thoughts. Guess if we had lived together I we would probably end becoming like each other, who knows, I will end up hating TV and she will end up loving TV and we will end up having a fight for that and i will be probably walking out of the house in a huff.
6:30am , just got out of the wash room ,lets see how soon I can make it to work.
Make it to work in 5 mins , just 2.5miles from my parking to work parking. Get parking on the ground floor. But amazingly there was lots of traffic at 7:40am. Reached desk @ 7:50am. Next target is to make it in by 7am.
Start working on the Vaccine call center related files. to get a better handle as regards to the flow of calls. Get georges help with a few doubts.
12 noon kannan wants to do to Delaware to get some of his stuff that he left off there during the last visit. So agreed to go along with him.
Got mail from Radish regarding my pay for the 2 weeks in Newyork. so far nothing seems to have been resolved. If things come to shove, only alternative for me is to go to the labor court, I spent a ton of money traveling there and also staying in hotel, paying all out of my own pocket.
12:40 get out of work to go to Delaware (neighboring state) to the costco there with Kannan.
Have the famous hotdog and drink for $1.50. Kannan has cheese pizza slice as he does not eat beef. I am not a big pizza guy, as I end up with stomach issues.
Initially went there to just give Kannan comany, then ended up buying 4 bottles of Alcohol. Jonnnywalker, Hennesy, Chilean wine and Smirnoff Vodka. And Delaware state does not have state taxes. Thats nice if the stuff I need to buy is more than $200 or if I am travelling in that direction.
Get back to work around 4:30 to attend the training.
6:30 get back home droping Rajshekar who live a bit off the street (1 mile).
Have the mutton curry that I got last sunday from Narayans house. Assembled my blender. Still need to do the unpacking of about 50% stuff. That maybe stuff I might not need immediately.
Wonder what would have happened if Evi was here. I would have just let her decorate and take care of the interior design and layout of the house as she fancies. :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
lazy start of day
Thuurssssday, May 20, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woke up 6:30 thought that I would be able to get to work early with my car. But it is happening the opposite way.
After late night of wild Salsa dancing and getting high of compliments. and scary getting lost aroud 3am in downtown philly with no gas in the car. Made it back and just dropped into my luxury bed. Thanks to the GPS on my iPhone.
Dragging myself to the wash and then to work. :)(
Reach work around 10am, no break fast , stomach grumbling, parking on the 6th floor of the parking building. my first time at work doing that.
meet tiwari on my way down. he is another person from my university but not my college.
Start with reply to the dumb mail from the manager in India. he replied with keywords about CTI to a question asking him for the current model and documentation I would need for doing the same for this client and using his own existing resources.
If he going to behave like a idiot then god help in getting the project from here.
11am back to priyas mail about the requirement they are looking for and trying to understand the wider scope and technicalities involved for the requirement.
People here are already planning about the long weekend on May31. some going to niagrah, some to New york. I just don't feel like going anywhere. Wish that E was here and then maybe I would have been motivated to plane something into the wilderness.
Narayan seems to be intersted in trying something. maybe will talk to him now.
11:45 went home driving for lunch/breakfast. That is very convinent. now I even save money not eating in the cafeteria. I should try to cook eary and then take it to work for lunch. instead of doing up and down trips.
tried to meditate and relax after having lunch that narayans wife and given us during the weekend and had herbal tea (which again reminds me of eva as i never used that before). She is still in me, with me and everywhere and in everything I seem to be doing.
Fell asleep mediating and woke up around 1:pm and reached work around 1:20pm.
heart is beating like crazy for lack of sleep.
4:30 meeting training and 7 back home sweet home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woke up 6:30 thought that I would be able to get to work early with my car. But it is happening the opposite way.
After late night of wild Salsa dancing and getting high of compliments. and scary getting lost aroud 3am in downtown philly with no gas in the car. Made it back and just dropped into my luxury bed. Thanks to the GPS on my iPhone.
Dragging myself to the wash and then to work. :)(
Reach work around 10am, no break fast , stomach grumbling, parking on the 6th floor of the parking building. my first time at work doing that.
meet tiwari on my way down. he is another person from my university but not my college.
Start with reply to the dumb mail from the manager in India. he replied with keywords about CTI to a question asking him for the current model and documentation I would need for doing the same for this client and using his own existing resources.
If he going to behave like a idiot then god help in getting the project from here.
11am back to priyas mail about the requirement they are looking for and trying to understand the wider scope and technicalities involved for the requirement.
People here are already planning about the long weekend on May31. some going to niagrah, some to New york. I just don't feel like going anywhere. Wish that E was here and then maybe I would have been motivated to plane something into the wilderness.
Narayan seems to be intersted in trying something. maybe will talk to him now.
11:45 went home driving for lunch/breakfast. That is very convinent. now I even save money not eating in the cafeteria. I should try to cook eary and then take it to work for lunch. instead of doing up and down trips.
tried to meditate and relax after having lunch that narayans wife and given us during the weekend and had herbal tea (which again reminds me of eva as i never used that before). She is still in me, with me and everywhere and in everything I seem to be doing.
Fell asleep mediating and woke up around 1:pm and reached work around 1:20pm.
heart is beating like crazy for lack of sleep.
4:30 meeting training and 7 back home sweet home.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Hopefully last day of shuttle
Wedding day Wednesday, May 19, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went to sleep early and kept waking up early. Atlast 8 hrs sleep. Don`t remember the last time I went to sleep like that.
Got to rush out already 6:30am. meetings, delivery of house hold , car.... will be a action filled day. maybe go out salsa dancing tonite. hehehe.. and make my presence in Philly. got to join up a group, that looked active on the internet atleast. With indian gal salsa dancing.. will be interesting to see that, As I hardly got to meet any Indian girl in Vancouver salsa.
Almost of week of not even able to see anything on Evas Facebook . After she deleted and blocked me for what ever reasons of Anger and resentment she seems to have built up. But that seems to be acting in a good way for me. Now thats less of her I will be thinking and been concerned about.
She did not even have the courtesy to reply to my mail asking her about the check from the Tax dept i sent to her address. And like a fool i sent it by registered post paying 14 dollars when I could have just mailed to her by regular.
Guess she just was trying to maintain a friendly attitude till she got her check and then decided, I have no further use of this guy, so lets cut him off from Facebook. Cool, thats another side of hers that I got to see.
Why do I always get the feeling that women just come to use men. And then when men do that, they are very bad. But every women thinks its her right to abuse men and then paint them as bad people when her wishes are not met.
Reminds me of the chat with guiermo, even he was saying women are strange like that, so use them before they use you.
Well who knew that just the Madhya-ma-ranju would cause this much pain and suffering. Even with ideal 9 out of 10 star compatibility. Maybe thats why we met and connected so well. almost perfect.
And maybe thats why mom said that the first 3 to 4 astrologers refused to compare our astrological charts.
But I was of the opinion that she would have it in her , the will to work and accomplishing. Like the way she climbed cypress with me. Or maybe she gave up, because she really loves someone else. Or maybe she is only motivated to climb and hike and not really capable of using that attitude in real life situations.
Atleast i tried and tried. And she made me crawl and I crawled by putting my ego aside.
That I think is the end. Atleast I have the satisfaction of having tried and lost and rather not have the guilty conscious of not having tried. It told me a lot about my own character of willing to work at making relationship work. Maybe its because of my Indian upbringing and attitude. That I found was true. Because on sunday I realised that most Indians are unconsciously trained by their parents. And the girls are constantly reminded to behave good to make good husbands and trained to behave and act in a way that makes them ideal wifes. And guys are trained to Not drink and smoke and to be faithful to their wifes and to work hard to provide for the family.
Something I guess Eva missed out as her parents were always away and her mom was hardly even there for her, when her period started. ahh I feel so much for her pain and lack of proper guidance from her mother during her crucial formative years. Guess its a great learning experience for me to learn what happens to kids when their parents are not there to give them guidance. And I am sure Eva will continue to the same to her kids. Which is something I would not want for our kids.
7:30 at the shuttle stop, get chatting with the guy from Philly, about work and other places and comparing Canada and US work and efficiency.
12:00 finish off with all the meetings and call up jeff, who seems to be already there at my apartment. Ask Murali for a ride and he gives me.
reach home and meet the driver from Winnipeg. Jeff. Very friendly man, who did all the carrying up of my stuff.
Only that they broke one of my lamps. yet to find my blender. only got to unpack a few essential boxes.
then around 2:30 go to get my car. noticed that the handle to open the hood is broken. Damaged. arrrgghhh. make a note of that and sign the docs.
So far everything seems to be in order.
3:30 help the driver go drop off the shuttle truck he came in and gave him a ride back from the shuttle rental to his trailer truck.
Went over to Mc donalds and had a burger for my lunch and my own way of celebrating the arrival of my lifes closest and dearest, now that I am single and no one else is closer and dearer to me than my own personal stuff. :). Sticking by me thru thick and thin.
4:00pm back to work with my CAR and parking. Saw george on his way out.
4:30 again training and
5:45 Raj asks me if I can going home. Told him that I can and then dropped him off at his apt.
6pm get home and start un-packing.. woooo.
put the bedsheets and pillow into the washer.. and then the dryer.. so convenient . Ahh to luxury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went to sleep early and kept waking up early. Atlast 8 hrs sleep. Don`t remember the last time I went to sleep like that.
Got to rush out already 6:30am. meetings, delivery of house hold , car.... will be a action filled day. maybe go out salsa dancing tonite. hehehe.. and make my presence in Philly. got to join up a group, that looked active on the internet atleast. With indian gal salsa dancing.. will be interesting to see that, As I hardly got to meet any Indian girl in Vancouver salsa.
Almost of week of not even able to see anything on Evas Facebook . After she deleted and blocked me for what ever reasons of Anger and resentment she seems to have built up. But that seems to be acting in a good way for me. Now thats less of her I will be thinking and been concerned about.
She did not even have the courtesy to reply to my mail asking her about the check from the Tax dept i sent to her address. And like a fool i sent it by registered post paying 14 dollars when I could have just mailed to her by regular.
Guess she just was trying to maintain a friendly attitude till she got her check and then decided, I have no further use of this guy, so lets cut him off from Facebook. Cool, thats another side of hers that I got to see.
Why do I always get the feeling that women just come to use men. And then when men do that, they are very bad. But every women thinks its her right to abuse men and then paint them as bad people when her wishes are not met.
Reminds me of the chat with guiermo, even he was saying women are strange like that, so use them before they use you.
Well who knew that just the Madhya-ma-ranju would cause this much pain and suffering. Even with ideal 9 out of 10 star compatibility. Maybe thats why we met and connected so well. almost perfect.
And maybe thats why mom said that the first 3 to 4 astrologers refused to compare our astrological charts.
But I was of the opinion that she would have it in her , the will to work and accomplishing. Like the way she climbed cypress with me. Or maybe she gave up, because she really loves someone else. Or maybe she is only motivated to climb and hike and not really capable of using that attitude in real life situations.
Atleast i tried and tried. And she made me crawl and I crawled by putting my ego aside.
That I think is the end. Atleast I have the satisfaction of having tried and lost and rather not have the guilty conscious of not having tried. It told me a lot about my own character of willing to work at making relationship work. Maybe its because of my Indian upbringing and attitude. That I found was true. Because on sunday I realised that most Indians are unconsciously trained by their parents. And the girls are constantly reminded to behave good to make good husbands and trained to behave and act in a way that makes them ideal wifes. And guys are trained to Not drink and smoke and to be faithful to their wifes and to work hard to provide for the family.
Something I guess Eva missed out as her parents were always away and her mom was hardly even there for her, when her period started. ahh I feel so much for her pain and lack of proper guidance from her mother during her crucial formative years. Guess its a great learning experience for me to learn what happens to kids when their parents are not there to give them guidance. And I am sure Eva will continue to the same to her kids. Which is something I would not want for our kids.
7:30 at the shuttle stop, get chatting with the guy from Philly, about work and other places and comparing Canada and US work and efficiency.
12:00 finish off with all the meetings and call up jeff, who seems to be already there at my apartment. Ask Murali for a ride and he gives me.
reach home and meet the driver from Winnipeg. Jeff. Very friendly man, who did all the carrying up of my stuff.
Only that they broke one of my lamps. yet to find my blender. only got to unpack a few essential boxes.
then around 2:30 go to get my car. noticed that the handle to open the hood is broken. Damaged. arrrgghhh. make a note of that and sign the docs.
So far everything seems to be in order.
3:30 help the driver go drop off the shuttle truck he came in and gave him a ride back from the shuttle rental to his trailer truck.
Went over to Mc donalds and had a burger for my lunch and my own way of celebrating the arrival of my lifes closest and dearest, now that I am single and no one else is closer and dearer to me than my own personal stuff. :). Sticking by me thru thick and thin.
4:00pm back to work with my CAR and parking. Saw george on his way out.
4:30 again training and
5:45 Raj asks me if I can going home. Told him that I can and then dropped him off at his apt.
6pm get home and start un-packing.. woooo.
put the bedsheets and pillow into the washer.. and then the dryer.. so convenient . Ahh to luxury.
9:30 start towards downtown Philly for some salsa. got lost again when entering highway 76 and went the wrong direction. used the GPS on the iphone to get back.
10:30 reach downtown philly almost on empty tank. have to find a place to fill up , but the first requirement is for finding a place to park. Luckily after 10pm its free parking.
get in with $5 cover. Enter to a fully packed Wendnesday night at Brasil. no place to walk too, how are they going dance with this crowd. Seems there is a theme party of all "white" dress going on. So many people came in all white.
Start by watching the level of dancers. got a good dancer to start off and was flattered by the way people were looking at me dance. Hope it does not get to my ego. Then a couple of people who were very new found it challengling to dance with them. One quite in the middle and the other continued with a smile, that is the attitude I like of "NOT QUITING". There is always going to be some kind of difficulty, but we can decide to over come it by facing it or run away from it.
Then had one of my best merengue with a cute Italian looking girl. She was a bit chubby, but followed so easily and it was helping me make new moves. This is what I probably need in my life partner too, someone who can help making living easy and compliments rather than causing and creating issues and obstructions.
Partner dancing shows and teaches so much about how a relationship and attitude of people will be in a relationship.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Last day of shuttle
Tuesdayyy, May 18, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wake up late. yet get to do some work out. look out to see that the Vancouver climate has followed me to Lansdale. rain rain rain,,,,
..grrrr conf call early with people in india...
Phew just finished. IT was not as bad as I thought. But again there was this very vauge talk like politicians, of talking with out commiting. To the question do you have resourses to do the work at off shore. the answer was,, we have partnership with this firm and working on the other frim... well that means you don't have resources available. Be direct helps other people go on a make decisions about their life and avoids confusion.
Anyways got to the stuttle pick up @7:25am in the Vancouver like rain, hehehehe... And saw the regular shuttle driving away. Ran after it and saw two other people running behind me.
Too late, so I got my cell phone and called out to the shuttle company number and was told that they just had a change of the shuttle as the original was having some mechanical problems.
Got talking with the two people I regularly meet and just used to say "hi". One guy african american, and the girl from her accent sounded like she must be from liberia or east africa.
Very friendl people, who was surprised that I am staying in a posh nice apartment and still coming late sometimes. hehehe... told them that is the issue like every one, when we have the best facility, we tend to become a bit lineient and less responsible.
They guy said he was from Philly and goes to chruch a lot. So many people mostly us indians tend to judge darker people as bad, even in India, even among relations, the darker cousins are considered bad and inferior and pityed. Thats why I always wanted to go against all of them and marry a very dark skinned girl and shock them all. And prove to them that dark skin is not bad like they think. Especially my mom, who is considered fair by indian standards and walks around with a superior attitude.
It felt sad that I got to talk to them only on the last day. As of tomorrow I hope to be having my own car. Maybe I will pick them up next time if I get out of the house by 7:30am . Thou i am planning on getting to work at 7:00am.
In the brief 5 mins of talking with that guy, he told me about his cruise trips and was so heartly open.
Guess that is what this is all about in the world. The first contact, to establish trust. And to establish that we are all equal, no one is inferior and no one is superior.
I hope that the person I marry will also think the same and will be more inclined to do their own work at home, than try to hire people and call them servants. And has more an attitude of equality and respect for all honestly working human beings. And also teach our kids the same values.
Anyways even with the weather, felt a bit of bouncy feeling of happiness and sadness. A bit of confusion and a bit of looking forward to something new happening in life. Feeling of things going to get better in life.
ahhhh eva the innocent, naieve and head strong, egoist. wonder how she will be adjusting to a life of a mother, if she thinks that doing things for others is like becoming a slave.
But thats how parents are towards their kids. They are virtually slaves and have to do every thing for them. And if we start thinking of slave and master at every thing then its not possible to be as a family. Saw that at narayans house, at times his wife seems to order him for getting stuff from outside and he seems to order her about for things inside the house. The same way my parents do. I would not dare ask my wife to do somethings like getting me water, but then that is how the role is defined. The husband is like the guest, and the wife is the host. So when she assumes the role of a host, she is happy to serve the guest.
And the Husband is like the worker bee, goes out and gets enough to keep the wife and kids happy with material and food to make their life comfrotable.
Thats where the compromise and keeping the ego in control comes for the sake of the relationship.
9 to 9:30 finish the conf call with India. bangalore and calcutta,
Got to see how things will move in the next few days to one month.
have a tough time setting up the SAP times in CATS. coordinated with Rama on that and then was able to log on to the system.
11: to 12:45 was coordinating with the driver who seems to be having is own set of isssues for getting my car and needed some dock to get it out. And he was not able to get a place where he could have it brought down from his truck.
So called up katie the coordinator to see if she was able to get anything going.
2:15 call up Jeff the driver, who seems to be waiting for the coordinator from headquarters to get back to him.
I have not had anything since morning other than a cup of coffee and my stomach is expriencing some kind of motor racing noises. Was hoping to get my car and then go home for some good food. :(
Again all kinds of obstructions to simple things that should have just been done with out any major issues..... why????
around 4 try to call the driver jeff again, but does not pick up the phone. Got a meeting-training at 5. so was trying to get to know what his plans were. do i get my car today or no.
Ajit sends me a msg to go meet him. So walk over to his office and he says that there is a possibility of getting another bit of work right here in philly. And organizes a meeting with Priya for tomorrow. hmm she will be the first indian gal I will be meeting officially working for CTSH.
Again at 5 pm I get to the driver and he says he might be able to make it by 8:30am. I tell him that I have a meeting at 10am upto 11:30am. So he says that he can does not mind coming after 11:30am.
So atleast I can get my car for sure tomorrow.. the weather forecast is `rains and more rains`..
After the class get a ride with kris, and just get home and have my breakfast-lunch and dinner... whole plate... hmmm veggie biriyani that narayans wife and packed for me on sunday. yuuuummmyyyy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wake up late. yet get to do some work out. look out to see that the Vancouver climate has followed me to Lansdale. rain rain rain,,,,
..grrrr conf call early with people in india...
Phew just finished. IT was not as bad as I thought. But again there was this very vauge talk like politicians, of talking with out commiting. To the question do you have resourses to do the work at off shore. the answer was,, we have partnership with this firm and working on the other frim... well that means you don't have resources available. Be direct helps other people go on a make decisions about their life and avoids confusion.
Anyways got to the stuttle pick up @7:25am in the Vancouver like rain, hehehehe... And saw the regular shuttle driving away. Ran after it and saw two other people running behind me.
Too late, so I got my cell phone and called out to the shuttle company number and was told that they just had a change of the shuttle as the original was having some mechanical problems.
Got talking with the two people I regularly meet and just used to say "hi". One guy african american, and the girl from her accent sounded like she must be from liberia or east africa.
Very friendl people, who was surprised that I am staying in a posh nice apartment and still coming late sometimes. hehehe... told them that is the issue like every one, when we have the best facility, we tend to become a bit lineient and less responsible.
They guy said he was from Philly and goes to chruch a lot. So many people mostly us indians tend to judge darker people as bad, even in India, even among relations, the darker cousins are considered bad and inferior and pityed. Thats why I always wanted to go against all of them and marry a very dark skinned girl and shock them all. And prove to them that dark skin is not bad like they think. Especially my mom, who is considered fair by indian standards and walks around with a superior attitude.
It felt sad that I got to talk to them only on the last day. As of tomorrow I hope to be having my own car. Maybe I will pick them up next time if I get out of the house by 7:30am . Thou i am planning on getting to work at 7:00am.
In the brief 5 mins of talking with that guy, he told me about his cruise trips and was so heartly open.
Guess that is what this is all about in the world. The first contact, to establish trust. And to establish that we are all equal, no one is inferior and no one is superior.
I hope that the person I marry will also think the same and will be more inclined to do their own work at home, than try to hire people and call them servants. And has more an attitude of equality and respect for all honestly working human beings. And also teach our kids the same values.
Anyways even with the weather, felt a bit of bouncy feeling of happiness and sadness. A bit of confusion and a bit of looking forward to something new happening in life. Feeling of things going to get better in life.
ahhhh eva the innocent, naieve and head strong, egoist. wonder how she will be adjusting to a life of a mother, if she thinks that doing things for others is like becoming a slave.
But thats how parents are towards their kids. They are virtually slaves and have to do every thing for them. And if we start thinking of slave and master at every thing then its not possible to be as a family. Saw that at narayans house, at times his wife seems to order him for getting stuff from outside and he seems to order her about for things inside the house. The same way my parents do. I would not dare ask my wife to do somethings like getting me water, but then that is how the role is defined. The husband is like the guest, and the wife is the host. So when she assumes the role of a host, she is happy to serve the guest.
And the Husband is like the worker bee, goes out and gets enough to keep the wife and kids happy with material and food to make their life comfrotable.
Thats where the compromise and keeping the ego in control comes for the sake of the relationship.
9 to 9:30 finish the conf call with India. bangalore and calcutta,
Got to see how things will move in the next few days to one month.
have a tough time setting up the SAP times in CATS. coordinated with Rama on that and then was able to log on to the system.
11: to 12:45 was coordinating with the driver who seems to be having is own set of isssues for getting my car and needed some dock to get it out. And he was not able to get a place where he could have it brought down from his truck.
So called up katie the coordinator to see if she was able to get anything going.
2:15 call up Jeff the driver, who seems to be waiting for the coordinator from headquarters to get back to him.
I have not had anything since morning other than a cup of coffee and my stomach is expriencing some kind of motor racing noises. Was hoping to get my car and then go home for some good food. :(
Again all kinds of obstructions to simple things that should have just been done with out any major issues..... why????
around 4 try to call the driver jeff again, but does not pick up the phone. Got a meeting-training at 5. so was trying to get to know what his plans were. do i get my car today or no.
Ajit sends me a msg to go meet him. So walk over to his office and he says that there is a possibility of getting another bit of work right here in philly. And organizes a meeting with Priya for tomorrow. hmm she will be the first indian gal I will be meeting officially working for CTSH.
Again at 5 pm I get to the driver and he says he might be able to make it by 8:30am. I tell him that I have a meeting at 10am upto 11:30am. So he says that he can does not mind coming after 11:30am.
So atleast I can get my car for sure tomorrow.. the weather forecast is `rains and more rains`..
After the class get a ride with kris, and just get home and have my breakfast-lunch and dinner... whole plate... hmmm veggie biriyani that narayans wife and packed for me on sunday. yuuuummmyyyy
Monday, May 17, 2010
Anticipation
Monday, May 17, 2010
+++++++++++++++++++++
Woke up early, but out of bed a bit late. Not much motivation to go to work as there is nothing there to do now.
Felt good going for a long walk yesterday night. Was feeling a kind of irritation for lack of going out walking or running. Guess this not walking is one thing now I understand that always caused Eva to be grumpy and irritated.
Only anticipation of all my stuff and car coming from Vancouver by tomorrow morning. woo hoo freedom soon. Feel like in a jail here with not been able to travel around.
How i wish E would be here and us living like a family, with naughty kids running around early in the morning and her chasing them around with lots of laughter. Would have been the perfect loving family I always wanted.
Was touched by watching Narayan and his cute family.
Thanks to his wife, I have home cooked food packed for a few more days and don`t have to cook. But after two days of just eating home cooked food, my dress are all gone tight. :(
Still feel the strong connection with Eva. Not sure what she is feeling thou. This lack of communication and unwillings to talk is something beyond my powers. She showed this trait and tortured me much before. Should have known this kind of behavior will only escalate with time. And like a fool I keep hoping for the better and thinking that people will change, once they realise the affects of their actions.
off to work....
8:05 at the desk.
Again wonder why rush to take the shuttle @7:35. I would have walked but not a great idea to walk in the damp rainy weather. Especially when wearing formal work shoes. The life of the shoes will just collapse. And to get a shoe of my size is next to a miracle. Have to go to India to get it. So rather take the shuttle than risk walking in the rain.
This time again there were few people who lit up my morning with their return "hi's and 'good morning". cheers to them.
Hope one day, everyone will be able to begin their day happy and smiling.
Sent out mail to E, not sure if she reads it or just trashes it. Was wishing that we could really try and work at our relationship than giving up at the first opportunity.
I was willing to work, even thou I felt like giving up so many times. Even after my mom and the astrologer said it will be filled with lots of unhappiness. I did not care, Astrology is great. But the human will power is greater.
Wish she did not give up so easily. And tried to work on communicating with me than shutting off.
Wish there was more will in making the relationship work. There in lies the secret of success and failure.
THE WILL.
lets see, if she was truely in love with me, she will realise it soon and reciprocate. I have put my ego aside and made another attempt to approach her. With the wish that we can again meet this time on a trip and travel, exploring, on the East coast of US , And with my apartment now in US it will be easy for her to come and stay with me.
But again her own will and willigness to work with me at making our relationship as a honeymoon every day will be very crucial.
Not the attitude of the west to give up and move to a new one and keep repeating that life long. No work no gain.
The results of hard work are always sweeter. It takes time, but surely the results will taste much better and sweeter. :)
Nothing much happening at work. trying to set up the local DB and it was bombing every time I was connecting to the server.
11:45 give a fresh extract of DB and head to cafetria for lunch. huge line up for pasta. Get it around 12:15. by then lost suvendo. Tried to call him on the cell, but got a no number found. So return to the desk.
1:00pm extract completed , yet not working. Played around with the configuration file.
3:45pm then got a brain wave to change the connect string. Viola... the initialization works.
4:30 head to the Analytics training. and got to see that I had 2 missed calls on the cell phone. Signals don`t reach in the room I sit.
The calls were from the driver of the truck getting my car and house hold stuff. And then a mail from the US insurance company asking for Canadian drivers abstract. Ahhhh will all that work on and try to do have some kind of extra work that needs to be done. Can`t I just get something done easily and smoothly
Called up the driver and even he says that he has issues of driving into my apt block as the roads are smaller. And he is trying to find some place where he can transfer to a smaller truck and drive it in.... ahhhh why is life throwing all these complications at me. Then I ask him atleast can I get my car and he asks me to come to a certain place by noon to pick it up. and now to see if I can get a ride from someone for that.
atleast got the drivers abstract by calling up vancouver from ICBC... and faxed it to the insurance.
ITs like I am about to give up on my life and fighting for it. Was feeling so beat down and wondering why is there so much of obstruction to everything that I am doing. Why is it that everything that I do seems to have some kind of complication even in the smallest of things. Why is it taking shots at my optimism and punching me.
8:15pm Went for a run around the apartment complex. That was refreshing to see a couple of very pretty girls out running in the opposite direction and greeting me with a lovely warm smile. Gave me more motivation to go into the gym.
8:30 went into the office of the apt , took print out of my insurance card. Then entered the gym and started cycling. Watched dancing with the stars on TV and cycled for about 30 mins. Phew was not able to stand after that. 10 mins of running and then 30 mins of cycling. And a great treat of watching dancing.
Have to get back on to the dance floor soon. Wish I could have danced the bachata and merengue with Eva now.
10:30pm Saw delma`s pics of her house warming. got bantering with her. And decided to call her and surprise her. She is still so sweet and down to earth. How could a girl as brilliant as her be so under utilized. Surely she will do and achieve something great in Canada. Time will reveal her humble greatness.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Woke up early, but out of bed a bit late. Not much motivation to go to work as there is nothing there to do now.
Felt good going for a long walk yesterday night. Was feeling a kind of irritation for lack of going out walking or running. Guess this not walking is one thing now I understand that always caused Eva to be grumpy and irritated.
Only anticipation of all my stuff and car coming from Vancouver by tomorrow morning. woo hoo freedom soon. Feel like in a jail here with not been able to travel around.
How i wish E would be here and us living like a family, with naughty kids running around early in the morning and her chasing them around with lots of laughter. Would have been the perfect loving family I always wanted.
Was touched by watching Narayan and his cute family.
Thanks to his wife, I have home cooked food packed for a few more days and don`t have to cook. But after two days of just eating home cooked food, my dress are all gone tight. :(
Still feel the strong connection with Eva. Not sure what she is feeling thou. This lack of communication and unwillings to talk is something beyond my powers. She showed this trait and tortured me much before. Should have known this kind of behavior will only escalate with time. And like a fool I keep hoping for the better and thinking that people will change, once they realise the affects of their actions.
off to work....
8:05 at the desk.
Again wonder why rush to take the shuttle @7:35. I would have walked but not a great idea to walk in the damp rainy weather. Especially when wearing formal work shoes. The life of the shoes will just collapse. And to get a shoe of my size is next to a miracle. Have to go to India to get it. So rather take the shuttle than risk walking in the rain.
This time again there were few people who lit up my morning with their return "hi's and 'good morning". cheers to them.
Hope one day, everyone will be able to begin their day happy and smiling.
Sent out mail to E, not sure if she reads it or just trashes it. Was wishing that we could really try and work at our relationship than giving up at the first opportunity.
I was willing to work, even thou I felt like giving up so many times. Even after my mom and the astrologer said it will be filled with lots of unhappiness. I did not care, Astrology is great. But the human will power is greater.
Wish she did not give up so easily. And tried to work on communicating with me than shutting off.
Wish there was more will in making the relationship work. There in lies the secret of success and failure.
THE WILL.
lets see, if she was truely in love with me, she will realise it soon and reciprocate. I have put my ego aside and made another attempt to approach her. With the wish that we can again meet this time on a trip and travel, exploring, on the East coast of US , And with my apartment now in US it will be easy for her to come and stay with me.
But again her own will and willigness to work with me at making our relationship as a honeymoon every day will be very crucial.
Not the attitude of the west to give up and move to a new one and keep repeating that life long. No work no gain.
The results of hard work are always sweeter. It takes time, but surely the results will taste much better and sweeter. :)
Nothing much happening at work. trying to set up the local DB and it was bombing every time I was connecting to the server.
11:45 give a fresh extract of DB and head to cafetria for lunch. huge line up for pasta. Get it around 12:15. by then lost suvendo. Tried to call him on the cell, but got a no number found. So return to the desk.
1:00pm extract completed , yet not working. Played around with the configuration file.
3:45pm then got a brain wave to change the connect string. Viola... the initialization works.
4:30 head to the Analytics training. and got to see that I had 2 missed calls on the cell phone. Signals don`t reach in the room I sit.
The calls were from the driver of the truck getting my car and house hold stuff. And then a mail from the US insurance company asking for Canadian drivers abstract. Ahhhh will all that work on and try to do have some kind of extra work that needs to be done. Can`t I just get something done easily and smoothly
Called up the driver and even he says that he has issues of driving into my apt block as the roads are smaller. And he is trying to find some place where he can transfer to a smaller truck and drive it in.... ahhhh why is life throwing all these complications at me. Then I ask him atleast can I get my car and he asks me to come to a certain place by noon to pick it up. and now to see if I can get a ride from someone for that.
atleast got the drivers abstract by calling up vancouver from ICBC... and faxed it to the insurance.
ITs like I am about to give up on my life and fighting for it. Was feeling so beat down and wondering why is there so much of obstruction to everything that I am doing. Why is it that everything that I do seems to have some kind of complication even in the smallest of things. Why is it taking shots at my optimism and punching me.
8:15pm Went for a run around the apartment complex. That was refreshing to see a couple of very pretty girls out running in the opposite direction and greeting me with a lovely warm smile. Gave me more motivation to go into the gym.
8:30 went into the office of the apt , took print out of my insurance card. Then entered the gym and started cycling. Watched dancing with the stars on TV and cycled for about 30 mins. Phew was not able to stand after that. 10 mins of running and then 30 mins of cycling. And a great treat of watching dancing.
Have to get back on to the dance floor soon. Wish I could have danced the bachata and merengue with Eva now.
10:30pm Saw delma`s pics of her house warming. got bantering with her. And decided to call her and surprise her. She is still so sweet and down to earth. How could a girl as brilliant as her be so under utilized. Surely she will do and achieve something great in Canada. Time will reveal her humble greatness.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Peacful Sunday
Sun, May 16, 2010
******************************************
Woke up around 6:45 at N's house. Then went out with him, as he went into the gym I decided to walk around the New Jersey neighborhood and check out the creeks and natural paths. Felt nice and again was reminded about Eva and how nice it would have been if she would have been here. She would have loved this walk and its nature. The water in the streams was so clear.
CAlled up home and talked with Parents and aunts who were visiting.
Was again thinking about Fridays talk with Ajit and telling him that I am no longer interested in moving to India as my primary intention and objective to go and be able to live there with Eva for sometime and more so to marry her, got derailed and she is no longer even in contact with me on FAcebook.
Just wished that we could have worked it out. But with the way her attitude is more about cutting off communication. That was an approach she always adopted even at the begining of our relationship and that frustrated me a lot and confused me a lot too. Wish she had more courage to face situations when they are uncomfortable. Especially when we were in a relationship and wish she had more sense of commitment and desire to work at making it happen. Even I felt like giving up and running away so many times. But always tried to talk it and attempt to work it as best possible.
Wished that she could have been here after her july/August trip to India and we could go out on the East Coast of US this time with the National Park pass.
Will it ever happen? Will we be able to learn and grow from the past experiences and mature as human beings?
Was telling Narayan how I was feeling a bit off and not enjoying seeing so many indians(fat and financially well off indians) here in New Jersey and at work in PA. In Vancouver it was an over load of Asian looking people.
And he said, maybe I am suffering from an identity crisis. Thats true, it was not something that started recently. Was having that from early as I grew up in different regions of India that was totally different from my own ancestral. But still love Malu related gatherings and wish I could have gone to the Theater which shows only malu movies in New York State. Used to go to that place every weekend 10 years ago along with Balaji.
12:30pm party at Narayans house, 3 families of his colleauges come by with their wifes and kids. 2 of the families are from Ahmadabad..... ahhh why am I reminded of Ahmadabad again. Why is there so many coincidence again and again, just reminding me of Eva.
When she seems to be in love with someone else or is happy with someone else. Or is it just my own fear that she is in love with the wrong person? well she blocked me on FB so she surely does not want me to see somethings there, maybe she wants to change her status or relationship or put pics and does not want me to see it..... ahhhh so many things. But I wonder, why could she not go for a nice guy like Amit or Bobber ,,,
why some sleezy, rich guy living of his parents money.?
Just hoping and praying that she does not get hurt or get used by those bums there.
******************************************
Woke up around 6:45 at N's house. Then went out with him, as he went into the gym I decided to walk around the New Jersey neighborhood and check out the creeks and natural paths. Felt nice and again was reminded about Eva and how nice it would have been if she would have been here. She would have loved this walk and its nature. The water in the streams was so clear.
CAlled up home and talked with Parents and aunts who were visiting.
Was again thinking about Fridays talk with Ajit and telling him that I am no longer interested in moving to India as my primary intention and objective to go and be able to live there with Eva for sometime and more so to marry her, got derailed and she is no longer even in contact with me on FAcebook.
Just wished that we could have worked it out. But with the way her attitude is more about cutting off communication. That was an approach she always adopted even at the begining of our relationship and that frustrated me a lot and confused me a lot too. Wish she had more courage to face situations when they are uncomfortable. Especially when we were in a relationship and wish she had more sense of commitment and desire to work at making it happen. Even I felt like giving up and running away so many times. But always tried to talk it and attempt to work it as best possible.
Wished that she could have been here after her july/August trip to India and we could go out on the East Coast of US this time with the National Park pass.
Will it ever happen? Will we be able to learn and grow from the past experiences and mature as human beings?
Was telling Narayan how I was feeling a bit off and not enjoying seeing so many indians(fat and financially well off indians) here in New Jersey and at work in PA. In Vancouver it was an over load of Asian looking people.
And he said, maybe I am suffering from an identity crisis. Thats true, it was not something that started recently. Was having that from early as I grew up in different regions of India that was totally different from my own ancestral. But still love Malu related gatherings and wish I could have gone to the Theater which shows only malu movies in New York State. Used to go to that place every weekend 10 years ago along with Balaji.
12:30pm party at Narayans house, 3 families of his colleauges come by with their wifes and kids. 2 of the families are from Ahmadabad..... ahhh why am I reminded of Ahmadabad again. Why is there so many coincidence again and again, just reminding me of Eva.
When she seems to be in love with someone else or is happy with someone else. Or is it just my own fear that she is in love with the wrong person? well she blocked me on FB so she surely does not want me to see somethings there, maybe she wants to change her status or relationship or put pics and does not want me to see it..... ahhhh so many things. But I wonder, why could she not go for a nice guy like Amit or Bobber ,,,
why some sleezy, rich guy living of his parents money.?
Just hoping and praying that she does not get hurt or get used by those bums there.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Glad to see Sara motivated
Sat, May 15, 2010
******************************************
woke up early at N's place. After a deep sleep. Saw Saras mail, she was feeling much better and thanking me for the positive words of motivation. Thats a nice feeling to have made some one happier.
Sara is such a nice gal an example of a struggling Canadian person against all odds. Studying, working full time, paying for her tution. Then getting into an accident while she was biking, hurt and not able to pursue her favourite activity of going for long distance running every day. And on top of all this, her dad passed away. So much of emotional distress and still fighting against all odds to succeed with a cheerful happy smile and face.
Feeling a bit better after the motivating talk from Narayan. Who always suppored Eva. Eva is feeling like a spoilt princess there in India with all the attention. And hence her feeling of power. Where as i am reminded at every step of the US trip we took together and feeling nostigalic with all the green nature around me and been all alone with out the distractions of TV.
And also thankfull that we did not end up having any bad accidents during the trip. which was a huge possibility given the discovery of the faulty bolt on the passenger side wheel of the vehicle. Would have been a major accident and collapse of the passenger side and I would Not have been able to forgive myself if something bad would have happened to Eva.
She on the other hand is surrounded by people who are considering her exotic and maybe also people who as a general opinon about the western women been easy to jump into bed with. well what one does when in power is something that will tell about her own character. And power currupts even the best of people.
Had great break fast of home cooked dosas at N's house. Great way to distract from continously thinking about Eva and feeling that sense of still been connected to her. And then the feelings of her been in some kind of danger.....
Like N said. its her own foolishness of her age, even we all have gone thru that phase and made decisions then. And most of the time regreted and wished that there was someone to tell us and would have stopped us.
Just that not to wonder how could she get so cold hearted and cut off things so easily. As with time people realise what they did wrong latter and by then its would be too late for her.
ITs not in our powers to change.
Which is a fact given that I think the same about my power and ability. Just have to let it go and hope for the best.
Really not even able to get angry with her at all . If i could get angry at her like I did to the other exs it would have been so easy to cut her off.
Just feel that she is doing things in her naiveity and been stupid.
And she is still fooling her self into believing that I made some imaginary stories and told Amit , she did not even bother to confirm with me about the stories.
Well she trusts him and his words more... thats a choice she made.
Had great home cooked food, by N's wife. yuummmyy,, nothing beats home cooked food. Having food outside and tasting exotic food is good for sometime. But then Home is where we all come back to. Like the harbour we as ships keep coming back to.
Watched "life in metro" hindi movie about life and affairs of the heart in mubai. Feels to true and how things are now in Mumbai and Bangalore.
Not the type of life style I would like. But surely felt a relation to the guy who was getting used by his bosses to use his apartment for their sexual adeventures. Felt a relation with him in terms of his crush on a gal who seems to be so not aware about his interest and love for her.
******************************************
woke up early at N's place. After a deep sleep. Saw Saras mail, she was feeling much better and thanking me for the positive words of motivation. Thats a nice feeling to have made some one happier.
Sara is such a nice gal an example of a struggling Canadian person against all odds. Studying, working full time, paying for her tution. Then getting into an accident while she was biking, hurt and not able to pursue her favourite activity of going for long distance running every day. And on top of all this, her dad passed away. So much of emotional distress and still fighting against all odds to succeed with a cheerful happy smile and face.
Feeling a bit better after the motivating talk from Narayan. Who always suppored Eva. Eva is feeling like a spoilt princess there in India with all the attention. And hence her feeling of power. Where as i am reminded at every step of the US trip we took together and feeling nostigalic with all the green nature around me and been all alone with out the distractions of TV.
And also thankfull that we did not end up having any bad accidents during the trip. which was a huge possibility given the discovery of the faulty bolt on the passenger side wheel of the vehicle. Would have been a major accident and collapse of the passenger side and I would Not have been able to forgive myself if something bad would have happened to Eva.
She on the other hand is surrounded by people who are considering her exotic and maybe also people who as a general opinon about the western women been easy to jump into bed with. well what one does when in power is something that will tell about her own character. And power currupts even the best of people.
Had great break fast of home cooked dosas at N's house. Great way to distract from continously thinking about Eva and feeling that sense of still been connected to her. And then the feelings of her been in some kind of danger.....
Like N said. its her own foolishness of her age, even we all have gone thru that phase and made decisions then. And most of the time regreted and wished that there was someone to tell us and would have stopped us.
Just that not to wonder how could she get so cold hearted and cut off things so easily. As with time people realise what they did wrong latter and by then its would be too late for her.
ITs not in our powers to change.
Which is a fact given that I think the same about my power and ability. Just have to let it go and hope for the best.
Really not even able to get angry with her at all . If i could get angry at her like I did to the other exs it would have been so easy to cut her off.
Just feel that she is doing things in her naiveity and been stupid.
And she is still fooling her self into believing that I made some imaginary stories and told Amit , she did not even bother to confirm with me about the stories.
Well she trusts him and his words more... thats a choice she made.
Had great home cooked food, by N's wife. yuummmyy,, nothing beats home cooked food. Having food outside and tasting exotic food is good for sometime. But then Home is where we all come back to. Like the harbour we as ships keep coming back to.
Watched "life in metro" hindi movie about life and affairs of the heart in mubai. Feels to true and how things are now in Mumbai and Bangalore.
Not the type of life style I would like. But surely felt a relation to the guy who was getting used by his bosses to use his apartment for their sexual adeventures. Felt a relation with him in terms of his crush on a gal who seems to be so not aware about his interest and love for her.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Good move
Fri, May 14, 2010
******************************************
Woke up around 6:30 and rushed thru the motions and ran to reach the shuttle by 7:35am with the 20kgs on my back. The only person today for the 1st 2 stops. Well week end!
Good move by Eva to block me off her friends list on FB. Congratulations to her for doing that as it would not be fair with her new love interest also on FB. Atleast she seems to have the coldness to do it with out even telling me. Well thats her.
On reading the FB quotes one would assume that she is someone very spiritual, but I guess she is human like the rest of us and when it comes to practicing the words, she is really someone else.
Either way, Around the one year milestone of our meeting she has gone into another new phase of again repeating the same way of behavior getting into relationship with out much real thought.
So my decision to Not to make plans to go to India for the Kerala visit turned out to be good.
Thou she said on the last day in Czech, that after this, she would not be in a relationship in the next 3 months and was hoping that we could go to Kerala together. But my instincts and read about her and her character was right. Not only did she hook up with current guy, who I guess happens to be her 2nd attempt. Probably after Amit turned her down who is the 1st.
I was hoping that Amit was wrong in calling her a "Slut" and for generally labelling all the "western women" as characterless. Was hoping Eva would prove him wrong.
I would not be surprised if she is using the words "surya", "sulinko", "miminko",,,, with the new guy too. Would be interesting to know if that is some kind of formula that she keeps using from one relation to the other.
Atleast she got caught with using "Mastero" with me. That she had used with Igor. Just that Igor did not time it well. Or because I came in between and saved her.
I was hoping that she would really learn from our relation, but so far all the indications are that she seems to have only learned to become a smarter lier to her own self. More inclined and going with basic instincts of wanting to blame the other and with zero accountability.
People make their choices. I am choosing to forgive her and wishing her the best. And hope that her good karma protects her.
I am surprised that I am able to have good thoughts for her, even after she betrayed my trust,. A trust that I thought I trusted her more than I trusted my own mother. ITs heart wrenching. But i guess thats what love is all about, forgiving the one who matters, no matter what.
1) I don't care how strong you are...
All I want to know is what holds you together when you are at your weakest self.
2) I don't care how honest you are..
All i want to know is whether you really have the courage to be truthful to yourself and stop believing in the lies you tell yourself everyday.
7) I don't care what you are to the outside world..
All I want to know is what is there inside when you remove that mask.
11) I don't care how beautiful you are.. All I want to know is the ugly side of you, the side that deserves more love.....
Got to see how things turn out tonite, go out salsa dancing or not to ? or to have a drink party with all the guys in my room? and go for the salsa dancing tomorrow night and use the day pass to visit the museums of Independence during the day?
Back to work. not many people on the walk to the room from the Cafeteria. Got to greet about 8 people. And a few grumpy AC's(Angry czechs) who were too grumpy that they looked away.
The weather is not that great either, Cloudy like Vancouver and heavy rains expected soon.
Let me see if I can get my hands on doing some more research on the Vaccination related Call center going live next week.
11:11am... I just checked Evas package been delivered. It has reached her country on 5th. no updates after that.
Its funny, how we are still connected. I could feel that she was sick and was going thru something bad. Why is it that I can feel so strongly something bad or good happening to her. If I am not ment to be with her?
Why is nature still playing its games of connection. Not sure if she feels it or is confused with the new place and its people. She is still young, and like the first break up email where she almost made feel like a I am only interested in her body for sex and told me not to touch her and things that made me feel as thou she was addressing an animal.
The part where I was trying to avoid sex with her during the course of our trip no matter how tempting it was for me and was focusing on having us form more spiritual connection was lost on her. Wondering if thats why she was saying I was ignoring her!!??? Sometimes she is thinking in Czech and writing in English and hence the original idea is sometimes lost.....
And when I just told her to then change the status of our relationship. Her reply mail suggested that she just reacts to situation, worse than I do. She did not really think fully, just her naieviety of situation and her immaturity in handling relationship. Where there is a huge imbalance in her.
Hope she will gain more stability in her thoughts and what she really wants in life. Before she gets dragged too deeply into her current relationship, with Amit or Rishit or some other.
Thou many times I told her she still needs to find herself. Her naieve claims of having found herself in her early 20's was something I never was able to argue with. Because I went thru those phases of thinking I found myself and with passing time, I keep realising that what I thought a few years ago was just my immaturity.
I sometimes wish I had met Delma or Sara before I fell in love with Eva. They are both so nice and so wonderful too. What caused all this things to happen, even thou we both were trying to avoid getting into a relationship, fully knowing that our paths were in very different direction. That is something that will always puzzle me.
Got Sara's email. she seems to be getting into a depressive mood with all the bad things that seem to be happening to her since the last 6 months. with her dad passing away to her accident and her not able to do the one thing she is passionate about ,, her 10k and 30 k running. poor gal.
1:20pm got back from Lunch, met a couple of guys from CTSH. one a Malu from bangalore and the other from Bihar. And it turns out he is from my university in Karnataka.
Wooo this whole month I am meeting people from my past and with links to my past.
Walking back from the cafetria, was feeling uneasy thinking about Eva and kind of uneasy feeling about the bad dream I had. Did not tell her that they guy I saw in the dream who fixed her drink was Rishit. Now I am really feeling concerned. But my powers are limited. I cannot do any preventive actions from here. And now her actions of totally cutting me off from FB only make it impossible to caution her.
Two days ago, I was feeling happy for her new found love and thinking of her smiling happily and in love with some lucky guy.
And now that happiness has transformed to something of a fear for her wel being. Why is it I am not able to feel angry and cold and cut her off totally. There are so many beautiful girls here and not one seems to be able to get my attention off her.!!!!!????? weird connection.
1:45pm got msg from driver regarding the delivery at lansdale,, yahoo my car is coming. But not able to get back in touch with Driver as his phone is just ringing and no one is picking up. Called up Narayan who works for AT and T to see if could call the driver on his Canadian phone. But the same results.
2:05pm Atlast get in touch with Jeff the driver, who said he would deliver it by Tuesday 9am. Phew atlast. now to work on the Insurance wtih Geico. :)
4:50pm... Still bothered by the thought of the dream where Rishit fixes evas drink and does stuff to her and then his friends also come one after another and they take pics off all that with hidden camera.
Ahhh why am I been bothered about someone who does not care. Why am I not able to let go of it by thinking that she does not care about me why should I care about her.
Is this some kind of strange connection I am feeling towards her like I always felt with her. Is is also feeling anything like this?
Is she thinking that he is not as aggressive as the guys in Vancouver? For sure, even the slowest guy in Vancouver will be more aggressive than most of the aggressive guys in India. And if Rishit is been slow its only becasue compared to the guys in the west he is from an conservative country and hence will surely be slower and will appear as not a threat.
Why could she not hook up with Amit or someone nice guy. Why is it I am getting a very bad feeling of bad things happening to her again. And this feeling of danger is only getting stronger. Its just that I am also thinking what is the point in me reacting after the damage is done?
With my contacts and family connections I could easily do things there, even probably have the guys with evil intentions towards her threatened to not play any games with her. But again I would not like to involve them base on a hunch and especially when she is been so cold towards me. And too act after the damage is done would mean that I can only resort to revenge on the guys. But whats the use of that after the damage is done and she gets scared for life.....
So many questions?
I am going crazy thinking about someone who obviously does not seem to care for me.... why? why ? why?
Is it cause of my caring nature towards all those that are there in my life? or is it cause of the way I grew up with lots of group activities and feeling of team? or is it just my protective instincts as a man, wanting to protect the one who I care for the most in my life?
Had talk with N on the way back walking from Work regarding this and after explaining the story was told. Its not her been cold or anything like that. She is just been foolish. She is behaving like most of the people her age. She might realise it latter, but by then it might be too late for her.
That suddenly reminded me of the way she broke up the first time. And on my reply, she wanted me to re-consider and not rush into decisions. What kind of person thinks like that? Breaks up, and tells me not to touch her and making me feel like a some kind of sexual predator and then when I say ok as you wish. She tells me not to rush into decisions... I did not make any.. I just agreed to her wish.... Is she some kind of drama queen?
just wish that we could have been good friends atleast. But now with her cutting me off the FB it kind of feels like she is not even interested in been friends.
Well I tried as best as possible.
Around 5:30 Ajit comes around wanting to talk to me about my move to India for transfer. To Bangalore or Calcutta. I then told him with the recent developments I have a change in my wanting to go to India. As my primary objective was to go with and be with my girlfriend and probably marry her. But now the equations have changed and she is probably with someone else and now she has cut me off facebook as friend and that means she is not even interested in been my friend.
Then he said, that means with my limited scope in the current project, I would probably have to transfer to some other project at some other place. Well that okay.
Moving to India would have ment an indian salary. Thou its a great salary compared to Indian standards of around 30 to 40 K US dollars per year.
******************************************
Woke up around 6:30 and rushed thru the motions and ran to reach the shuttle by 7:35am with the 20kgs on my back. The only person today for the 1st 2 stops. Well week end!
Good move by Eva to block me off her friends list on FB. Congratulations to her for doing that as it would not be fair with her new love interest also on FB. Atleast she seems to have the coldness to do it with out even telling me. Well thats her.
On reading the FB quotes one would assume that she is someone very spiritual, but I guess she is human like the rest of us and when it comes to practicing the words, she is really someone else.
Either way, Around the one year milestone of our meeting she has gone into another new phase of again repeating the same way of behavior getting into relationship with out much real thought.
So my decision to Not to make plans to go to India for the Kerala visit turned out to be good.
Thou she said on the last day in Czech, that after this, she would not be in a relationship in the next 3 months and was hoping that we could go to Kerala together. But my instincts and read about her and her character was right. Not only did she hook up with current guy, who I guess happens to be her 2nd attempt. Probably after Amit turned her down who is the 1st.
I was hoping that Amit was wrong in calling her a "Slut" and for generally labelling all the "western women" as characterless. Was hoping Eva would prove him wrong.
I would not be surprised if she is using the words "surya", "sulinko", "miminko",,,, with the new guy too. Would be interesting to know if that is some kind of formula that she keeps using from one relation to the other.
Atleast she got caught with using "Mastero" with me. That she had used with Igor. Just that Igor did not time it well. Or because I came in between and saved her.
I was hoping that she would really learn from our relation, but so far all the indications are that she seems to have only learned to become a smarter lier to her own self. More inclined and going with basic instincts of wanting to blame the other and with zero accountability.
People make their choices. I am choosing to forgive her and wishing her the best. And hope that her good karma protects her.
I am surprised that I am able to have good thoughts for her, even after she betrayed my trust,. A trust that I thought I trusted her more than I trusted my own mother. ITs heart wrenching. But i guess thats what love is all about, forgiving the one who matters, no matter what.
1) I don't care how strong you are...
All I want to know is what holds you together when you are at your weakest self.
2) I don't care how honest you are..
All i want to know is whether you really have the courage to be truthful to yourself and stop believing in the lies you tell yourself everyday.
7) I don't care what you are to the outside world..
All I want to know is what is there inside when you remove that mask.
11) I don't care how beautiful you are.. All I want to know is the ugly side of you, the side that deserves more love.....
Got to see how things turn out tonite, go out salsa dancing or not to ? or to have a drink party with all the guys in my room? and go for the salsa dancing tomorrow night and use the day pass to visit the museums of Independence during the day?
Back to work. not many people on the walk to the room from the Cafeteria. Got to greet about 8 people. And a few grumpy AC's(Angry czechs) who were too grumpy that they looked away.
The weather is not that great either, Cloudy like Vancouver and heavy rains expected soon.
Let me see if I can get my hands on doing some more research on the Vaccination related Call center going live next week.
11:11am... I just checked Evas package been delivered. It has reached her country on 5th. no updates after that.
Its funny, how we are still connected. I could feel that she was sick and was going thru something bad. Why is it that I can feel so strongly something bad or good happening to her. If I am not ment to be with her?
Why is nature still playing its games of connection. Not sure if she feels it or is confused with the new place and its people. She is still young, and like the first break up email where she almost made feel like a I am only interested in her body for sex and told me not to touch her and things that made me feel as thou she was addressing an animal.
The part where I was trying to avoid sex with her during the course of our trip no matter how tempting it was for me and was focusing on having us form more spiritual connection was lost on her. Wondering if thats why she was saying I was ignoring her!!??? Sometimes she is thinking in Czech and writing in English and hence the original idea is sometimes lost.....
And when I just told her to then change the status of our relationship. Her reply mail suggested that she just reacts to situation, worse than I do. She did not really think fully, just her naieviety of situation and her immaturity in handling relationship. Where there is a huge imbalance in her.
Hope she will gain more stability in her thoughts and what she really wants in life. Before she gets dragged too deeply into her current relationship, with Amit or Rishit or some other.
Thou many times I told her she still needs to find herself. Her naieve claims of having found herself in her early 20's was something I never was able to argue with. Because I went thru those phases of thinking I found myself and with passing time, I keep realising that what I thought a few years ago was just my immaturity.
I sometimes wish I had met Delma or Sara before I fell in love with Eva. They are both so nice and so wonderful too. What caused all this things to happen, even thou we both were trying to avoid getting into a relationship, fully knowing that our paths were in very different direction. That is something that will always puzzle me.
Got Sara's email. she seems to be getting into a depressive mood with all the bad things that seem to be happening to her since the last 6 months. with her dad passing away to her accident and her not able to do the one thing she is passionate about ,, her 10k and 30 k running. poor gal.
1:20pm got back from Lunch, met a couple of guys from CTSH. one a Malu from bangalore and the other from Bihar. And it turns out he is from my university in Karnataka.
Wooo this whole month I am meeting people from my past and with links to my past.
Walking back from the cafetria, was feeling uneasy thinking about Eva and kind of uneasy feeling about the bad dream I had. Did not tell her that they guy I saw in the dream who fixed her drink was Rishit. Now I am really feeling concerned. But my powers are limited. I cannot do any preventive actions from here. And now her actions of totally cutting me off from FB only make it impossible to caution her.
Two days ago, I was feeling happy for her new found love and thinking of her smiling happily and in love with some lucky guy.
And now that happiness has transformed to something of a fear for her wel being. Why is it I am not able to feel angry and cold and cut her off totally. There are so many beautiful girls here and not one seems to be able to get my attention off her.!!!!!????? weird connection.
1:45pm got msg from driver regarding the delivery at lansdale,, yahoo my car is coming. But not able to get back in touch with Driver as his phone is just ringing and no one is picking up. Called up Narayan who works for AT and T to see if could call the driver on his Canadian phone. But the same results.
2:05pm Atlast get in touch with Jeff the driver, who said he would deliver it by Tuesday 9am. Phew atlast. now to work on the Insurance wtih Geico. :)
4:50pm... Still bothered by the thought of the dream where Rishit fixes evas drink and does stuff to her and then his friends also come one after another and they take pics off all that with hidden camera.
Ahhh why am I been bothered about someone who does not care. Why am I not able to let go of it by thinking that she does not care about me why should I care about her.
Is this some kind of strange connection I am feeling towards her like I always felt with her. Is is also feeling anything like this?
Is she thinking that he is not as aggressive as the guys in Vancouver? For sure, even the slowest guy in Vancouver will be more aggressive than most of the aggressive guys in India. And if Rishit is been slow its only becasue compared to the guys in the west he is from an conservative country and hence will surely be slower and will appear as not a threat.
Why could she not hook up with Amit or someone nice guy. Why is it I am getting a very bad feeling of bad things happening to her again. And this feeling of danger is only getting stronger. Its just that I am also thinking what is the point in me reacting after the damage is done?
With my contacts and family connections I could easily do things there, even probably have the guys with evil intentions towards her threatened to not play any games with her. But again I would not like to involve them base on a hunch and especially when she is been so cold towards me. And too act after the damage is done would mean that I can only resort to revenge on the guys. But whats the use of that after the damage is done and she gets scared for life.....
So many questions?
I am going crazy thinking about someone who obviously does not seem to care for me.... why? why ? why?
Is it cause of my caring nature towards all those that are there in my life? or is it cause of the way I grew up with lots of group activities and feeling of team? or is it just my protective instincts as a man, wanting to protect the one who I care for the most in my life?
Had talk with N on the way back walking from Work regarding this and after explaining the story was told. Its not her been cold or anything like that. She is just been foolish. She is behaving like most of the people her age. She might realise it latter, but by then it might be too late for her.
That suddenly reminded me of the way she broke up the first time. And on my reply, she wanted me to re-consider and not rush into decisions. What kind of person thinks like that? Breaks up, and tells me not to touch her and making me feel like a some kind of sexual predator and then when I say ok as you wish. She tells me not to rush into decisions... I did not make any.. I just agreed to her wish.... Is she some kind of drama queen?
just wish that we could have been good friends atleast. But now with her cutting me off the FB it kind of feels like she is not even interested in been friends.
Well I tried as best as possible.
Around 5:30 Ajit comes around wanting to talk to me about my move to India for transfer. To Bangalore or Calcutta. I then told him with the recent developments I have a change in my wanting to go to India. As my primary objective was to go with and be with my girlfriend and probably marry her. But now the equations have changed and she is probably with someone else and now she has cut me off facebook as friend and that means she is not even interested in been my friend.
Then he said, that means with my limited scope in the current project, I would probably have to transfer to some other project at some other place. Well that okay.
Moving to India would have ment an indian salary. Thou its a great salary compared to Indian standards of around 30 to 40 K US dollars per year.
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