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Woke up thinking of Eva. Kind of mixed dreams and visions.
Then got up to see her blog. She is so fortunate to have so much exposure to international crowd. I wish I had those kinds of options when I was out of college. For one surly I was not in a situation to afford the fees of AISEC. The advantages she has coming from a richer country is huge and many other people who have their parents richness in wealth.
Then send Elizabeth a eamil with details of Salsa in Philly. Was feeling guilty that I did not open my self to her advances and she must be only really getting out to make friends and have fun. She said she has one month free as her daughter is gone out to Camp. So she wanted to be with someone fun and enjoy her one month.
I am not sure I want to be the person who wants to "FUN" with anyone for one month. I don't mind been a nice friend and helping people out.
I don't want to feel the feeling of been insincere and cheating on my love that I feel towards Eva, It will feel currupt and insincere and dis honest.
Even thou she does not feel the same about it. I just want the love to be pure and not tarnished with something for temporary high of excitement and enjoyment.
That is the easiest thing to do.
Reminds me of what dad said. Marriage brings about the stability in a persons life. If he or she is not married. they will usually tend to be fickle minded and not having a long term purpose and goal of commitment in life.
Which would make them feel like moving from one excitement to another and before they know what is happening, they are lost. And it become so confusing to find your way back. It will be like lost in the jungle. And if we are not fortunate and depending on how lost we are, we may never be able to return back to the proper path and may even get attacked by some wild creatures and will not be fortunate to make it back to the proper path in time.
This is a great analogy.
I hope Eva finds her true path and stays safe. And not keep getting lost in dilemas.
Same for me too. But right now I guess i really do love her and want to be with her as a family. Is she ready or will she ever be ready. Or will she still be in the mode of confusion with all the new different bright lights that keep pulling her in different directions.
Atleast the past few years I have been more in control and did not do anything fickle minded and after I made the choice of been with Eva, wanted to everything possible to work hard and making our relationship work. Even sacrificed my career to a great extend just to be with her during Sep last year when it was the peak of all recruitment. And then ended up been unemployed upto march when the recruitment restarted. 6 months... :(
But don't regret that , just wished we had better circumstance and we could have worked out. I think our trouble was that we did not have much difference like other couples. Our problem was more that of confusion and insecurity that was caused by our conditions and we each reacted to that in different ways and the frustration came out in ways that it was not intended.
Life goes on, What each of us learned from the experience or choose to learn is a different story.
I looked at it as ways to improve myself and my behavior and hope not to do that in the future.
I was open to looking at all my mistakes with an open mind for self analyzing and improving from within myself . As change is something that needs to come from with in us.
She could now blame her bad behavior of getting angry towards me to the BAD experience she claims she had with me during the trip or me ignoring her during the trip. What an exaggeration. Sometimes people would think and fool themselves into believing anything possible and make other look horrible so that they can escape from facing their own mistakes and faults. Then continue on with life making the same mistakes again of tormenting someone else.
But even before the trip she used to get angry at anything I proposed and said.
Big example was that of when I suggested that it would be great if she practiced a little bit of driving, just in case with me been the single driver, got into some kind of trouble.
We could be confident that there is a back up driver and she already had a drivers license.
But all she did was flare up with anger and sarcasm. So I don't think that its because of the claimed bad experiences with me, I did not beat her or get angry at her not even 10 percent of the times she got angry and rude at me, its more because she is feeling more powerful with me lowering my ego and almost begging for us to get together. That is another issues with lowering Ego, then the other person tends to take the person lowering himself for granted. SAD situation.
And the drive also it would have reduced to a great extend my burden of driving for the whole month more than 6000 miles (yes six thousand miles).
that is an average of 200 miles per day or at the rate of 60 miles per hr, 8hrs per day on the days we drove. since we traveled long distance after every 2 or 3 days., this is like professional drives driving for long distance. And to top it all going out hiking in the during the stops. phew i did it.
I am not sure what is really troubling Eva, its for sure not the bad experience that we had on the trip. It has got to do more with her own self, facing herself with honesty or it has got to do with her feeling guilty about something and she is taking the quick way out of feeling better by blaming it ALL on me.
If that is something she is doing, then that explains why she is still stone walling me with coldness even after I apologized so many times. I tried to be as loving as possible, just like the first two months she was Vancouver, ignoring the hurt and pain and been patient towards her and hoping that she will soon see how her behavior is hurting me. But in this case will she ever be able to see?
Again and again her sudden coldness in behavior is so hurtful.
ITs okay, for the sake of my pure love, I am going to bear all the pain and still be as loving and have only loving feelings and intentions towards her and wish her always the best and hope my prayers always protect her. And soon I hope she will be able to see the true light.
7:10am kris comes into the conf late. and then explains about Pq c functions.
Send eva a couple of msgs on gtalk but she seems to have the status on as busy.
I hope that she sees me for my true honest intentions, love and sincerity towards her and we can be good friends. Not expecting her to love me back or anything (that would be great). Just be good friends who can talk about and discuss the wonderful philosophy of life and by other wise people. Exchange and motivate each other by sharing the world of words, go out hiking in the wilderness, just me her and our thoughts of philosophy. :)
Sent her an E greeting card with inspiring quotes and this note
Dear Eva
I am not sure what is really troubling you about me. I have apologize to you a thousand times in different ways.
All I ask is for us to be good friends.
You may treat me coldly as possible, but deep down even thru the tears of my hurt, I will only love you for the beautiful person I see you are and love you with all the good and bad.
I hope you can find it in yourself the true reason for your distress.
I am sure its not just the few bad things we both went thru, if there is something thats deeper troubling you, I hope you find the answers to that sooner within yourself with the tools of sincerity and honesty towards yourself. Not answering others, but you answering yourself. Take care and hoping for the best.
with the intentions of having a very peaceful and warm thoughts of friendship to exists between us
Take care and enjoy
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Got mail from Mali ni complimenting me about our dance . she is sweet. Said she was busy with furniture arriving to her house or would have loved to join me . And her parents are coming from India. woooo now that sounds like a story that happened an year ago. !!!!! where is all this going towards.
Eva seems not even intersted in been frineds and here there is someone making entry.
I am at the end of trying all my the things I could to be friends with Eva, cared too much, loved too much and what is it all leading to , just getting taken for granted as before. How long will I tested like this.
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If you want to be happy, be - Leo Tolstroy
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fal->lConfucius
A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed.
Henrik Ibsen
It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities
JK Rowling
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfrot, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy
Martin Luther King Jr.
This above all: to your own self be true.
William shakespeare
In three words I can sum up what I've learned about life: It goes on. Robert Frost
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