Courage

June-02-2010 Wednesday
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Get up early for conf call at 7am. got ready and all and ended up been the first person in the call. And as expected the team in India were a good 10 min late, came in 7:10am. Kris drove the meeting

Got to work, again the frist in. What a good motivator.
was checking facebook and chating with Beena. Good words of comfort from her. Told her about Eva and what not I tried to make comprise. Begged, crawled and put my ego to one side. Killed every ounce of my Ego and diginity.
Feel so much like a begger and useless person now. I hope no one has to go thru all this in their life. And will be able to preserve their own human diginity. Even if it is for the sake of love or great good.

`courage is the discovery that you may not win and trying when you know you can lose ` - Tom Krause

Well I guess I was courageous enough to have tried my best even thou I was not sure of anything and not sure how we will succeed, if at all we or it will succeed.
It took so much of will power to open up my heart and feelings to her and it felt that i reached and allowed myself and my feelings to be hurt again and again and my Ego, self-respect and diginity killed in the process.

A sense of been raped of my diginity and feel violated.

I choose (no one forced me) and I tried like no man ever did and may not do and should not do. And for relationship to work it takes two willing people.

I have been trying since the last week of Feb. But for some reason or the other Eva seems to want to give up and seemed not interested even to get her to talk to me, she made me beg and beg in the last week of Feb.
Maybe she already had some other master plan and hope of having an affair with Amit. So she made it look like its all my fault and in the process really started believing it and soon got lost and moved very far from the Real world.
Of course we were not fully honest with each other, she did not have to lie to me about Amit or many other things, I was the most understanding of people and also had my different opinion. Who does not have a different opinion.
And surely it felt so fake that she decided to break up saying that I don't trust her and said I called her an liar and that I should apologise..... such a sick twist of reality to manipuate. It was like she was just looking for a reason to fight and break up.

And it was fate that proved me right and even after that she continued in the direction of her moral downfall moving from amit to rishit to who else next . How long before she really realises the right path. Hope she does soon and not end up becoming some kind of Slut like amit stated.

I have forgiven her for all the cheap games she played and I am sure she does not realise it either that she has started believing that I am the person who is wrong in saying that we are not able to have honest conversation and then blaming me more for somthing Amit must have told her. Not once is she taking any responsibility for her actions. nor is she able to realise about the things she continues to do wrong.

That means all the great words that she seems to quote does not have any heart in it. Its just words she is using to make an impression to the outter world. Maybe it will attract lot of other people to her. But in the long run, people will soon realise that she is just another superficial person with just words and not really someone who believes in the words. No wonder Louis did not turn up on the last day and the iranian guy just left. And she is wondering why. Easy answer, its because of her superficiality.

I think this was something I was always trying to tell, her, why blame something else. Don't loose focus of the reality.
She always seem to blame something else or someone else. And her huge Ego seems to be so stuck in the idea that she is not at fault at all and never at fault at all and that she is so far from the truth of her own wrong assumptions or right from worng.
I was hoping sooner or latter she would be able to realise how to be humble and respect the powers of the universe and that of fate.
No one has conqured much thinking that they are the best and that they can do everything and anything. We are humans with our own limitations. And when I sincerely point out something, I am not doing that to hurt her or put her down in front of her friends, even thou she did that to me so openly on facebook.
I am just trying to get her, to see there is another point of view and that is something that comes from our own self examination and humbleness.

Well I tried and I am for now feeling lost. Lost without communication with her. So no way to work on the bad feelings that is between us and I can feel it in her words. So full of hate. She does not want to admit it, but her hate filled words seem to come thru so clearly.

will she ever realise the sequence of actions of hers or will she just be the Ego queen who will always think that she is right and end up believing in her own lies and never reach a state of humbleness and self understanding.

If only she was able to realise herself. hope it is not too late. Future will tell.

Got to call Sara today. kind off was too tired yesterday night to call and missed her late evening message. Hope I can provide Sara with some comfort and motivation. Atleast she seems to see me as a nice and caring person. Need to do good where people deserve it. Not at places where they treat you like some sick creature when you are trying to do good.

Oh why did I even bother about Evas well being during the US tirp and totally focus on her safety and the hrs I spent at all the places wondering if she was safe. While I should just have gone about carefree just like her and enjoyed. The Hiking does not matter, I just want to spend time with you, that is important for me. That is the biggest lie she told me. As she dumped me and the food and walked away on her all important trekk with in 24 hrs of landing in Seattle. Not even a word or I am going down, just dumped the food that I did not want in the first place and just walked away, Like I was not there and did not matter at all.

I feel like puking at my own idotic behavior of caring for someone who does not seem to care a bit about me or my wel being. A person so egoistic in her own desires that she does not even see how much I madly love her.

got to call delma and see how she is doing after i told her to work it out with her boyfriend and not to use double standards and fooling her own self, just like eva is doing. Hope she realised it and has the brains to let her ego to the side and compromise with him.

Reminds me of Kayes words, "we women don't know why we do somethings, it is strange. Men do things very logically and practically. "

call Chakri too, poor guy was struggling with his car. long time since we talked. One other person who thought that Eva had some strange ideas. Bobby said that he was puzzled by her talk. she just kept talking and talking. Atleast he was able to find a good girl.

Not many of the girls were able to identify with Evas thinking either, they thought that she was the product of some dysfunctional family and hence was confused and is struggling to find herself.

And after all these negative msgs from others, I still think that deep down there is a wonderful person, who is struggling to come out and is getting pushed down by her own Ego and the desire for some kind for high emotional happiness or excitment that she wants to feel. Some people go to get that in clubs, or on drugs. All short term. she seems to want that from a series of short term relationship rather than work on our relationship.

Will she forever be lost in the repetitive cycles of her relationship thinking that its a great experience or will she ever be able to reach the next level of been a family. Will she one day just make a harsh decision and get married to some weirdo to only want to jump out of it in a couple of months. It would be interesting to see how her past actions will affect her future. Well like I face the consquences of my actions, I hope she does not suffer much for her poor choices and confusions. I hope the goodness in her comes out more.

11:30am now, 30 mins of entering the blog after the status meeting from 10 to 11am. Looks like the MOC is having funding issues and will know about that part of the project going ahead tomorrow.
back to work

Called up Sara in the afternoon from work and left a msg. Same time get a msg from her on FB. Again we end up playing phone tag. :)))

Her FB msg was so sweet. How glad she is for having met me. And encouraging me with many other things. So nice to feel appreciated and acknowleged. Its so different from the other selfish people I seem to meet and fall for. Why is life so confusing.

The training got cancelled for the 2nd day consecutively.

Kriss is going to drop off his family at NY airport tomorrow morning so ask him to start off by 4am , others tell him 5am, he was planning on 7am. Their flight is at 11am and international boarding starts about 45 mins in advance. Check in by atleast 9am. Given the peak hours of the morning traffic into Manhattan. And the traffic choke up in the capital city of the world. He does not seem to realize the in bound traffic.

Around 7pm reach home, try to relax and then see couple of text msgs from Sara about missed calls.

8:45 pm go for a run around pennbrook pkwy. As its almost sun set, there I get to see fireflies dancing around the lawns and the trees. Sweet nature, Don't remember seeing fireflies since I was a kid back home. That is a good sign. Just like the sign in the movie Avatar.
Return back after running about 2 kms. was sweating a lot as I was running after a very long time. Get out on to the balcony as it feels a bit cooler there. Get out my portable chair and sit out. Was thinking again of my life and how it had reached such a low point emotionally that I threw away all my self-respect and diginity trying to compromise with a person who was just lying to me and making me crawl and beg and treat me colder than any cheap creature. Why did I end up falling in love with someone who did not treat me right and continues to treat me worse than filth.

Suddenly I notice the leaves of the trees dancing to the music of the wind. The green leaves are brand new, as it just sprung out of the branches after the winter. And they seem to be happily celebrating their brief life.
I started thanking the god and the universe for the beautiful plants,
Thanked for the beautiful trees,
Thanked for the beautiful house I live in,
thanked for the good health that I have,
Thanked for the security of a well paying job.

Suddenly I noticed that my head that was kind of hanging down with shame and depression raised itself. Thankful for what I have made me unconsciously feel better about myself.
I looked up at the sky and
Thanked for the wide skies slowly revealing the beauty of the stars and the universe.


Why should I waste my time and energy trying to win the love of someone who is not thankful for my love and rather treated me and continues on the path of treating me worse and worse with every passing moment.

There are so many people who would love to be with me and appreciate me for so many things. I should focus on what I have and not let some one who does not appreciate a good thing in their life treat me and my sincere love as some shabby shit to be used and thrown away with cheap excuses. They don't deserve me or my love.

Talked with Chakri after seeing his comment on FB. He was really motivating and encouraging. Wanting me to go out and party like crazy and meet some hot chicks. As I was not motivated to go out for someone new into my life.