Wed, Jun-23-2010
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Woke up with a weird, dream of watch TV and feeling uncomfortable. ?????? Anyway got to do some yoga stretching and breathing today, objective was for just a few, then got caught up and did lot more. :) Maybe that is why I am feeling charge, also the ginger tea with tea masala helped. Thou I have been having it for the past one week. Ginger is said to boost up you immune system. Better than any of the artificial tablets for Vitamins. Reached work around 7am and made it to the conf call to Kolkata. I was the 2nd person in, Raj D was leading the conf today. few mins latter Diman from Kolkota joined in, asked him about the weather and seems its cloudy and rain in Kolkata. Cheers better than hot summer. Get on to mute and listen in on the conversation.
Back to the TV dream, why was I feeling uncomfortable with the TV, it was like the TV suddenly appeared in my house and I was shocked. Is this still some kind of Trauma I am going thru because of all the intense way in which Eva reacted to my watching TV to relax after continuous driving for 8 to 10 hrs while she comfortably slept in the car during our 1 month trip.
Or is it because I am just too sensitive a person and easily effected by the thought that I must have hurt someone and want to correct it. And trying to correct it by living with out TV for the past 4 months now. wow that is like more than 100 days. Correct it. That’s like punishing myself for what I think I must have done bad and wrong as per her thinking.
So where is the balance there.
Should I have given up watching TV in the evening in the hotels we stayed about 60 percent of the trip, the other 40 percent been in Tent camps?
She did not understand that it was helping me take my mind of the stress I was under, right from the start of the trip, with her as a responsibility for me to protect at all costs. Driving thru deserts where there was no one and no civilization for miles, and thru wilderness where it was beautiful but had its own possibilities of danger from Bears and other wild creatures.
So how does one say this line should not be crossed. She never even gave us the opportunity to discuss about the issue. She just seemed to get angry and close up and walk away. After all her claim of been from a family that is very decent and cilvilised and cultured, her actions did not show that she was cultured when she wanted things her way.
So was I right in taking the option of having to take care of myself and my needs so that I don't break down under the continuous stress or was there an option to talk and discuss like cultured people. I really wish there was, because as far as I remember, even thou at the beginning of the trip she said she wanted to spend time with me and did not care about the hiking, the first opportunity she got, with in 24 hrs of our meeting after 3 months, she just walked away throwing the food at me and did not even bother to tell me that she was going down for the hike.
So what is a guy like me supposed to have done. I know most guys would have just said that this is the end of the relationship and stopped the trip right there. I was hoping that once she cools down we could have a discussion.
Then an idea hit me, because this walking away with out even telling me anything was not the first time she did this. The first time she did that I tried to talk to her about it. She did not seem to understand or realize it then and thought that there is nothing wrong in that. And her dad also showed that trait, but his was more of been absent minded.
So the idea was to do to her what she did to me and see how she feels when someone does that to her. Did it work, yes it made her feel the pain that I was going thru, but did she relate it to her actions and try to understand that this how other people feel when she does that to them. Not on the trip atleast.
Well human being take time to understand when they experience things the first time. Guess she must be slowly getting to understand that in India. Not sure, but I hope that soon the Indian way of looking at things more as family and team will get into her thinking and way of life and more so her behavior.
But back to the question what else could I have done. Maybe made more effort to communicate with her in a calmer way. As her dad asked me to be patient with her. Patience is a great virtue , but
After the trip she went on to accuse me of ignoring her, me and ignoring her. Because I did not go on some of the hikes with her. Did she even bother to ask me why.
I was usually stressed and tired driving non stop like a professional driver for 8 to 10 hrs from morning to evening, then after we reach a camp. She slept like a log peacefully – happy, and I usually had troubled sleep with all the Bear scare and the responsibility of protecting us both in case of some attack in the wilderness. Then the next day she is all fresh and rested, where as I was just too tired and worn out and feeling sleepy. Not anyway in a position to go on strenuous hikes. So a few times I just let her go on her own. While I browsed thru the visitors center and got to learn more about the location and the history of the
Place. And all the while I was again getting stressed that I did not go with her and be three to protect this foolish innocent life. Most of the times I was just hanging out at the place waiting for her to come back and trying to keep busy with walking around the places of interest.
One time at the grand canyon when she went down for the hike. I waited for hrs to see her come up and then only then did I take off to some sunset viewing area. And then lost track of time to get back to camp.
That was a mistake on my part, but I felt so relived after seeing her come back up the canyon.
This is what happened, Because after she left for the hike in the morning, I could not think and do anything else but hang around the rim wondering should I go follow her or should I just wait for her and is she having enough water will she be dehydrated with the heat of 40 deg C.
Another reason I was not able to do down as my body was still in pain after I pushed my self to climb the mountain at Yosemite and hiked bare feet. My muscles were still sore, no was in no condition to go down the Grand canyon.
Anyways that was something that happened during the day, and then I was able to relax after she returned and got carried away by the moment and totally forgot that I would have to get back to the camp. That was from 6pm to 8pm. Am I justified in having my 2 hrs of relaxation at the location or should I have been at her beck and call and tending to her needs like I am her slave and servant?
Again what would I have done differently or should have done differently. Maybe after seeing her come up I should have gone back to the start of the hike which was probably like about 1.5 miles from the view point I was in. But the temptation of seeing the sun set from that particular point (hopi point I guess) was overwhelming. And to get to that point it was either walk or take the bus no private vehicles allowed….. maybe I should have gone and met her. Or should have had a walkie talkie for both of us to communicate.
Well these were things we should have communicated positively and worked out. Just like our relationship too.
I still feel that since we know each others good and bad so well, we could easily work out lot of our issues and become a very happy and wonderful couple and good parents to our kids.
status meeting 10 to 11, then meetingwith Ajit about fine tuning the powerpoint. then went to have lunch
back for training and trying to figure out ways to make call as the 10digits needed for screen pop was getting filtered out by switch and only sending in 7 digits
And need to set up DTC for pop and see how that works.
Get back home and was trying to do the tests and code from home.
had chicken popcorns , was tasting yummy. Then went for a 3km run around 9:10pm. called up AV and then Anil and talked. watched the US Algeria match a bit on internet.
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