allavarkum ....... Hridayam ... niranja ....puthuvalsarasamsakal.... (എല്ലാവര്കും ... ഹൃദയം .. നിറഞ്ഞ .. പുതുവത്സരാസംസകള് ).
Moving into the new year and new decade in a few hrs.
Looking back at all the things that went by, the choices that I made, in life, career, love. Nothing seems to hold well for me. Nothing seems to be the right fit, always felt out of place in groups or felt that I was always in one sided affairs.
Cannot blame anyone, just myself. Because I was the one who made the choice. Even after knowing things, always living in a dream world, thinking that things can be worked out.
Wish I was more stronger mentally.
Wish i was more objective oriented.
Wish I was more selfish and cared less about others.
Always wonder how come others (many) seem to be so self-centered and selfish. And why is it that I am not able to do things that they do......
Is it cause of my Culture, my up-bringing, is it just me been too nice and the laws of the universe tends to apply by taking the nice people for a ride and making them into some kind of animalistic, evil, self-serving Devils?....
But I am glad that I have a few friends I can count on the fingers of my hand. People who are living very far away from where I live and have not met them for the past few years, but who care about me in their own little way and make me feel a bit of self worth. Give me the critical views honestly and directly with out fear, but only with the objective of seeing good things happen to me.
Still looking for the one person who would love me as madly as I would love her. Decades of searching and yet no sign of her.
Is there a person like that for me atall?
or is that just going to be my fantasy?
Just asking for someone to love me and make me feel loved.
Someone who I could tell anything and want to tell everything.
Someone who would be just plain excited to talk to me and happy to be with me no matter what time of day or night.
Someone who would be just waiting and wanting to share with me every part of her life, no matter what I would think about it.
Someone who wants to share every part of my life and dreamswith her. Making me feel that my life, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams is worth something to someone.
Just asking for a plain someone to love and to love me for what I am.
But so far.... Have only met people who seems to want me as some kind of stepping stone or slave to their dreams.....
And the latest to be labeled as some kind of bonus and upgrade... wow! like I am some kind of toy for their seasonal entertainment package.
I don`t want a bonus relationship or an upgrade nor do I want to be some one else s bonus or upgrade. I just want simple love and to be simply loved..... why is that so tough?????
I just want to be the center of their life as much as they are the center of my life.....
Will the new decade be something that could give me hope(s) or will it be again a hopeless journey of directionless gibberish?
Anyways I am reaching a very fine point of giving up hope and ending up in lethargic frustration.
The future does not seem to have any direction. Just pale gloom like the Vancouver weather in winter.
In a few hrs with a free ticket that I won, I will be stepping into the NEW YEAR and NEW DECADE full of confusion and uncertainty. Neither growing nor vinning!
if you truly love somebody, you don´t mind what is happening to you and what expectations it should fulfill.
ReplyDeletethe only importance is whether the other person is happy, healthy and fine.
you are searching for unsearchable, but still I wish you good luck in your journey...maybe you will find yout what is the real truth for you...maybe not...
So you mean to say that I don`t deserved to be loved back in return as much as I would love the other person.....
ReplyDeleteThanks much for the most negative and pessimistic support for my hopes and dreams.
And u missed the point that I am tired of been the person doing all the loving and that is called ONE-SIDED love. That is only harmful to me. To be the only person always doing the giving and making the other person happy. And all the other person cares is about herself.
Why should I be the person who is always going the extra mile (few miles actually) to make the other person happy, when the other person does not seem to be thinking the same or doing anything to make me feel loved. In fact I am always ending up feeling like a fool been taken for granted and like a person who does not have any value at all.
`````` But so far.... Have only met people who seems to want me as some kind of stepping stone or slave to their dreams.....``
Like everyone in this world, even I have desires of wanting to be loved and made to feel important in someone elses life. If that is un-searchable and not the real truth..... then thanks for your sarcastic wishes.
Not to mention all the blow to my self confidence and my own self worth after been taken for granted and made to feel like someone who is not worthy of love, not worthy of someones time, not worthy of someone effort....
ReplyDeleteWhen you can´t love yourself, you won´t find love within the others...
ReplyDeleteEverybody deserves love. You deserve love, but you are not welcoming it. You seem to be struggelng within yourself. Unless you solve your lack of inner loving, you will never have the love from somebody else.
Nobody puts you down, only you put your self down, only you treat your self as being some stone or slave to somebody´s dream.
I wish you will understand.
There u go again lost in a world of superficial words not understanding the crux of what I am telling.
ReplyDeleteYou will only understand what I am trying to tell, if you have loved someone very deeply and SO deeply that you have opened up the doors and windows of your heart and soul. And that is only something you can do, if you let your guard down and Make them the center of your world and life, unselfishly. .....otherwise you will never understand what I am trying to tell. Best example of its purity is ...Like a mother loving her little baby child, just openly and without holding back, un-conditionally. If you can picture that, then you are somewhere closer to understanding what I am trying to tell.
If you can also understand it, just like every normal human being on this planet. I want someone who would love me as much as I love her and someone to who I am the world as much as I am the world to her. Someone who I want as the only friend and love in the world as much as she wants me to be the only friend and love in the world for her......
And yep I put myself down to someone elses dreams, you know why, because I considered them to be an important part and priority of my life, but do they think like that about me?????
NO.
Time and again I just realize that they are just as selfish, self centered, self serving, crooked, manipulative, ungrateful as the previous.