Wakeup thinking of E

28-jun-2010 Monday
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Woke up thinking of Eva. Kind of mixed dreams and visions.

Then got up to see her blog. She is so fortunate to have so much exposure to international crowd. I wish I had those kinds of options when I was out of college. For one surly I was not in a situation to afford the fees of AISEC. The advantages she has coming from a richer country is huge and many other people who have their parents richness in wealth.

Then send Elizabeth a eamil with details of Salsa in Philly. Was feeling guilty that I did not open my self to her advances and she must be only really getting out to make friends and have fun. She said she has one month free as her daughter is gone out to Camp. So she wanted to be with someone fun and enjoy her one month.

I am not sure I want to be the person who wants to "FUN" with anyone for one month. I don't mind been a nice friend and helping people out.

I don't want to feel the feeling of been insincere and cheating on my love that I feel towards Eva, It will feel currupt and insincere and dis honest.
Even thou she does not feel the same about it. I just want the love to be pure and not tarnished with something for temporary high of excitement and enjoyment.

That is the easiest thing to do.

Reminds me of what dad said. Marriage brings about the stability in a persons life. If he or she is not married. they will usually tend to be fickle minded and not having a long term purpose and goal of commitment in life.

Which would make them feel like moving from one excitement to another and before they know what is happening, they are lost. And it become so confusing to find your way back. It will be like lost in the jungle. And if we are not fortunate and depending on how lost we are, we may never be able to return back to the proper path and may even get attacked by some wild creatures and will not be fortunate to make it back to the proper path in time.

This is a great analogy.

I hope Eva finds her true path and stays safe. And not keep getting lost in dilemas.
Same for me too. But right now I guess i really do love her and want to be with her as a family. Is she ready or will she ever be ready. Or will she still be in the mode of confusion with all the new different bright lights that keep pulling her in different directions.

Atleast the past few years I have been more in control and did not do anything fickle minded and after I made the choice of been with Eva, wanted to everything possible to work hard and making our relationship work. Even sacrificed my career to a great extend just to be with her during Sep last year when it was the peak of all recruitment. And then ended up been unemployed upto march when the recruitment restarted. 6 months... :(
But don't regret that , just wished we had better circumstance and we could have worked out. I think our trouble was that we did not have much difference like other couples. Our problem was more that of confusion and insecurity that was caused by our conditions and we each reacted to that in different ways and the frustration came out in ways that it was not intended.

Life goes on, What each of us learned from the experience or choose to learn is a different story.

I looked at it as ways to improve myself and my behavior and hope not to do that in the future.
I was open to looking at all my mistakes with an open mind for self analyzing and improving from within myself . As change is something that needs to come from with in us.

She could now blame her bad behavior of getting angry towards me to the BAD experience she claims she had with me during the trip or me ignoring her during the trip. What an exaggeration. Sometimes people would think and fool themselves into believing anything possible and make other look horrible so that they can escape from facing their own mistakes and faults. Then continue on with life making the same mistakes again of tormenting someone else.

But even before the trip she used to get angry at anything I proposed and said.
Big example was that of when I suggested that it would be great if she practiced a little bit of driving, just in case with me been the single driver, got into some kind of trouble.
We could be confident that there is a back up driver and she already had a drivers license.

But all she did was flare up with anger and sarcasm. So I don't think that its because of the claimed bad experiences with me, I did not beat her or get angry at her not even 10 percent of the times she got angry and rude at me, its more because she is feeling more powerful with me lowering my ego and almost begging for us to get together. That is another issues with lowering Ego, then the other person tends to take the person lowering himself for granted. SAD situation.

And the drive also it would have reduced to a great extend my burden of driving for the whole month more than 6000 miles (yes six thousand miles).
that is an average of 200 miles per day or at the rate of 60 miles per hr, 8hrs per day on the days we drove. since we traveled long distance after every 2 or 3 days., this is like professional drives driving for long distance. And to top it all going out hiking in the during the stops. phew i did it.

I am not sure what is really troubling Eva, its for sure not the bad experience that we had on the trip. It has got to do more with her own self, facing herself with honesty or it has got to do with her feeling guilty about something and she is taking the quick way out of feeling better by blaming it ALL on me.

If that is something she is doing, then that explains why she is still stone walling me with coldness even after I apologized so many times. I tried to be as loving as possible, just like the first two months she was Vancouver, ignoring the hurt and pain and been patient towards her and hoping that she will soon see how her behavior is hurting me. But in this case will she ever be able to see?

Again and again her sudden coldness in behavior is so hurtful.
ITs okay, for the sake of my pure love, I am going to bear all the pain and still be as loving and have only loving feelings and intentions towards her and wish her always the best and hope my prayers always protect her. And soon I hope she will be able to see the true light.

7:10am kris comes into the conf late. and then explains about Pq c functions.

Send eva a couple of msgs on gtalk but she seems to have the status on as busy.

I hope that she sees me for my true honest intentions, love and sincerity towards her and we can be good friends. Not expecting her to love me back or anything (that would be great). Just be good friends who can talk about and discuss the wonderful philosophy of life and by other wise people. Exchange and motivate each other by sharing the world of words, go out hiking in the wilderness, just me her and our thoughts of philosophy. :)

Sent her an E greeting card with inspiring quotes and this note

Dear Eva
I am not sure what is really troubling you about me. I have apologize to you a thousand times in different ways.

All I ask is for us to be good friends.

You may treat me coldly as possible, but deep down even thru the tears of my hurt, I will only love you for the beautiful person I see you are and love you with all the good and bad.

I hope you can find it in yourself the true reason for your distress.

I am sure its not just the few bad things we both went thru, if there is something thats deeper troubling you, I hope you find the answers to that sooner within yourself with the tools of sincerity and honesty towards yourself. Not answering others, but you answering yourself. Take care and hoping for the best.

with the intentions of having a very peaceful and warm thoughts of friendship to exists between us

Take care and enjoy

--------------------------------

Got mail from Mali ni complimenting me about our dance . she is sweet. Said she was busy with furniture arriving to her house or would have loved to join me . And her parents are coming from India. woooo now that sounds like a story that happened an year ago. !!!!! where is all this going towards.

Eva seems not even intersted in been frineds and here there is someone making entry.

I am at the end of trying all my the things I could to be friends with Eva, cared too much, loved too much and what is it all leading to , just getting taken for granted as before. How long will I tested like this.

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If you want to be happy, be - Leo Tolstroy
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fal->lConfucius
A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed.
Henrik Ibsen
It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities
JK Rowling
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfrot, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy
Martin Luther King Jr.
This above all: to your own self be true.
William shakespeare
In three words I can sum up what I've learned about life: It goes on. Robert Frost

Off to Atlantic City, beach hiking

Sun Jun 27 2010
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Woke up early need to reach car pooling point by 7:45. For trip to Atlantic city beach hiking. Have not been to a beach for a long time hope to make it there today and have a calming time.
Something about the beach that cools the Fiery Sagittarius in me.

todays love horoscope in MSN.com

Your Lovescope - Today, June. 27, 2010
Some great news could come to you today, perhaps involving the attainment of a long-desired goal you've been working toward for a long time. You'll want to get on the phone to your love partner immediately. Congratulations are definitely in store! The astral energy implies that word should spread quickly among your colleagues, who should be impressed. Enjoy the spotlight! Then go out with your sweetie and celebrate.


Reach Sidney place around 7:45am, meet with Juidth and Elizabeth. We all decided to car pool with Sidney. That way we are not spending time and money on the Tolls.

The beach on the Atlantic city was foggy and since we reached @ 9:45am it was kind of deserted. So we wanted to hike as far as possible before the crowd starts arriving.
Got so see some really beautiful women in two piece dress. wow.
Seem to be a very high class houses linning up at the beach and very rich people on the beach.

Reach the cape point of the beach and returned back.

We had sub sandwiches at Dinos and then sidney drove is to Atlantic city area where the casinos were, did not get into any. Just hung around the beach and this one seems to have even more beautiful bodied women. The beach here is so much longer than Vancouver, but in Vancouver they get together and play Volleyball. here they just lay down on the beach in the heat and chat, and some read get sun tanned, go into the water a bit and back home.

Returning back we got caught in the evening traffic to Philadelphia. Got to sidneys house around 6 and then to my house by 6:30pm.

Checked the fridge and found the last of the two mangoes I got at Costco. cut it up, mixed it with a fruit juice and made a smoothie. cheers to healthy drinking and living.

The two ladies on the hike seem to be single and looking and had a lot of questions for me. I did not know what to ask or to what extend to ask. As I did not want to send them the wrong signals. If I was a player or was just wanting to have fun, I would have tried to be more natural and tried to show more interest.

Elizabeth wanted to come out and try salsa and asked me if she could come with me. I said, I go there often but I am not sure of any particular day I go and would not be able to commit to it in advance as I just go if I feel like going.

Judith was telling about other groups that are for singles who just go bar hopping and it was a great way to meet new people and have fun. Fun means. Well sure its fun in terms of connecting with people and taking it to the level of making love.

IS that my goal and priority in life now?

ahhhhh dilema. Been the nice guy is only causing me to hurt. And E is not been a saint there in Ahmadabad either, . And hence her reluctance even to talk to me as a friend.
Or am I reminding her of the true negative behavior of hers. And that I told her would happen after she goes to India . that she is not able to control on one side and is trying to justify her actions and fooling herself. Some of the comments on her blog are also very painful and scary.

I wish i could help her is some way before its too late and she gets into some kind of deeper trouble. Why??? only reason because I seem to care for her more than I care for myself.

It hurts much that the one person I love go so much is moving in a direction that one wishes would not and to just having to helplessly sit back and watch.
Its like my hands and legs are tied to a tree and I see the one person who matters most in my life sinking into the quick sand she just choose to bravely experiment with. In her own innocent arrogance she just say, I don't care, I am going to experience this. Just like playing with fire. :((((

So should I still hang on the thread of virtue and sincerity and not go ahead and have fun like she is having.
Or should I still be sincere to who I am, not open to another relationship as I choose to stay dedicated and faithful to my true love.

Where is my future taking me, opportunities are knocking,
yet my heart seems to be locked in the love of a life time.

Where will it lead to?
how long am I going to be stuck in this misery.

Will I drown like all true lovers lost in their honesty and sincerity?

Ahhh, why, why, why am I am been tortured like this.
Why is life not just simple. why all these complications?

Deposited the Rent check and set up paying the other bills. Went for a walk talked with Anil for a few mins. He wanted me to come to Texas in Aug. Awww I want to go to Europe and travel. It would have been great if I had someone to go with.
Guila and stefano are in Ireland so no way to get their help for Italian travel.

Saturday of powerfull full moon

Sat - jun 26 2010
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Started the day with cleaning up of the washroom. then trying to sort out the plastic I accumulated. need to find a place to recycle it.

Then got to head out for the tapas pot luck.

my horoscope for today :
Your Lovescope - Today, June. 26, 2010
Is marriage in your immediate future? Thoughts of it, at least, could cross your mind today. You tend to be cautious and move slowly, however, so you're not apt to say anything to your beloved until you have all contingencies worked out in your mind. Still, your partner may say something to you. The astral energy implies that this has been coming for a long time. Move ahead with caution, but move ahead.

hehehehehe,, sweet

Wanted to cook something authentic, but was not motivated. wrote a nice mail for Evi la miminko, but not sure to send it her, basically wanted her to know that I understand her uncomfortableness and dilema, after having lied to me and getting caught in her lies, as I now know her much better than anyone else and accept her for what ever she is. Only problem is that she has to learn to accept herself as she is and not try to project herself as the super perfect person she wants people to believe .
And that part of her always wanting others approval of her as something different from what she really is and what she thought I think about her is causing her to feel uncomfortable. I have forgiven her for all the hurt she caused me and the trauma she led into, holding nothing back and yet loving her for whatever she truly is.

I am not asking her to love me back or anything, that is not how love works, I just want us to be good friends and let the past go and use it to learn more about ourself and our foolishness in handling certain situations.

But she is not able to let go, because she is not able to accept the fact that she got caught in her maze of lies as any human who lies. And her Huge EGO is not letting her accept the fact and forgive herself.
And that is causing her to rather blame me for everything and not letting her own self to own up to many of the mistakes she did. And that in turn is causing her to feel bouts of fear and trauma every time we contact each other. I remind her of all the negativity she keeps trying to hide from herself and others.

But that is part of everyone, everyone has negative stuff, nothing to be afraid about, just have to learn to Accept it as something that is there in everyone and try to work at keeping it in control.
The sooner we learn to accept those negativity as part of our life and try to work at controlling them sooner we will be able to face our own self with more confidence and thus bringing out our sincerity. Hopefully she understands this part.

Almost afternoon and running out of ideas for the Tapas pot luck.
In the end around 1pm decide to go to Costco and see if I can get something. Got a pack of Tacos (72 lil ones) and some milk and chicken thigs .

Went for the tapas potluck around 4:30 with the hope of hiking, but it turns out that the hiking got put off. so it was just the pot luck at 6:0
the Tacos seem to be a great hit.

Had Ashish and Jeff at Sidneys place and Malini joined in too from NJ.
Started off with a course of wine (vino), then had the Whiskey that Ashish brought.. then had some red vino.
Watched the Beatles for some time as Sidney was a huge fan.

Somewhere in between I dragged Malini and started dancing the salsa with her, was surprised to see her dance and follow so well with out her dancing shoes and no salsa music, just dancing to some random jazz music. Wow. that was very impressive. I am impressed by her not wearing make up, ability to hold a intelligent conversation on history of the world cultures. Seems to have traveled a lot, now I am feeling a bit bad that I never got to travel like she did internationally all related to work. Awesome to have an accounting job that takes your around the world.

Then we had lots of discussions on subjects of history of US, India, Russia, European migration, Migration of Indians, native Indian history.
Looked like Malini and Ashish have traveled all over Europe. Damm I have to go on a trip thru Europe at any cost. Last year I wanted to go, but Eva kind of changed it to an US trip.

Then have to travel thru whole of South East Asia too, it was interesting to hear from them how they found a lot of Indian cultural and religious influence in Vietnam, Cambodia, Malaysia, bangkok. Then the analysis started and more facts on history started coming out. About how powerful the Tamil kingdoms were and how they used the boats to go conquer the south east asian kingdoms

Malini was trying to find our more about the girls in my life.
haha not so fast lassie.
I think I like her.

then the conversation turned to all the Psychotic behavior of girls during full moon and how the bi-polar girls like ... seem to be so nice and sweet and suddenly the polarity of the ions in their body seem to change during the full moon and they turn out to behave like crazy creatures. The magnetic pull has an effect on the ions in our body based again on the Iron content in our system.
Jeff who was married a few times seem to be of the opinion that all women are like that. Even malini seem to say that.

Strange was the common experience of the other people about swiss people been too stuck up and rigid. Not much fun, but great hikers. Something weird in their behavior compared to the others Europeans.

Ashish seems to have traveled to Czech too, so might get some info from him on how to plan a trip to Prague and travel thru Zlin into Slovakia and hike up the hi-tatras.

Back home after after about 6 hrs of philosophical, cultural, historical, pshycological talk and lots of talk about hiking around Philly.

Its a great full moon outside. lovely in its glory....

There is someone in this world out there
Waiting for me in this world somewhere

Asking " Honey when will you be back home?"
Back home!
Back home!
When will you be back home?
Back home?

Waiting for me, so she could share,
her deepest thoughts so rare,
Her daily musing,
And her silly things,
Share the jokes and laughter
deepest fear and sadness
My shoulder to cry and
hugs and kiss away the sorrows

Where are you my love
Lost am I in this wild wicked world

My sould hungry and thirst
seeking out our home,
Clueless and lost so far.

Looking at every passing face for a trace a hint
How long do I have to wait
For the right princess of my heart,

So far its been vandalized by a few
Tarnished and beaten down by few
Hurt and kicked about by a few

But yet pulling up and standing strong
With fresh hope and optimism
Hoping you would be by my side soon
Waited have I for too long.

Holding down the lid of my heart filled with love
let out a few burst of steam
whiff of my love a few got to feel
But the best and the whole remains all yours my love
waiting for you,
carrying it for you.
Searching for you

How long will you hide from me
or have our paths crossed and we just missed each other
or are we just a little away from each other
in my heart I carry the love and its special fragrance
just so that its you and me in the garden of love
our house that becomes a home with you and me in our love

Patrick posted pics of his daughter, she is just hours old. We both ended up having a girlfriend almost at the same time last year, both girls did belly dancing. He and his girl stuck it out together thru all odds and worked it out and now they are a cute family. cheers
My story ended up in me getting my self esteem kicked around like a football and my heart thrown down from the heights of Eiffel tower and then stomped down into the earth. Just was taken for granted and keep getting treated like I am some kind of low disrespectful creature.
So much for been nice.
Yep this is what happens to nice people and for been patient and trying to work it out with someone who, just is selfish to the core in her own innocent foolishness.

And foolish me hoping that they will understand about themselves and the damage they cause to others and will turn around. So far there is and has been only taking me and my sincere love for granted.....

ahhhhh who knows the future.

Weekend with a full moon

Friday, Jun 25-2010 =============== Great week end to look forward to for a Full moon, lunar eclipse, said to be one of the very powerful ones to come by astrologers. Woke up a bit tired from yesterdays work out. Was not able to motivate myself to physically do much. Just did a few breathing exercise. Then saw the mail from Eva who seems to be in some kind of flux. Maybe the effect of Full moon seems to affect her as before. Just wish that she could move ahead by putting the past to rest. I have said sorry for things I did intentionally and unintentionally and was even thinking about the mis understanding that happened at Grand Canyon, it was a honest mistake. Maybe its her own guilty consciousness of not looking at the mistakes she made and all the hurt that she cause me too. But even if she does not regret it or let me know about any regret she had. I have forgiven her for her actions towards me So I guess I am feeling more at peace than she is. Once we look back and understand our own faults and our own mistakes that we all make as human beings, it just becomes a matter of accepting our limits and saying yep we did our best, hopefully we have learnt positively and we will use that learning to use it in our present and future. And not keep grudges and all the negative emotions, which are never productive and will only lead to more negative emotions. funny it must be a lot of negativity going on today. Even the conf call with kolkata Raj Da the guy sitting besides me seems to be angry at the work of people in Kolkata. And seems to be continuing on the path of making the status conf into a fight . Well hope he understands that he is not the only one who is sincere and other people also have their own pressures in life and they are doing their best. May not meet the requirements, but they are doing what ever is possible by them. Also got a mail from Bangalore about the interview I conduct for the girl Shewta. replied that I have given my feed back to Ajit the Account manager. As I was sure that she had put in all fake experience and did not really do any real work on CTI. :) well at least she seems to know the terminology involved. Just trained on CTI I guess. The india conf call got over pretty fast. guess a lot of people are feeling very low and negative and aggressive today. Is this the affect of Full moon. Brings out the true self in people and highlights it more. Atleast I am feeling positive and not getting bothered by these negativity going on around me. hehehe was reminded of the old Czech movie that Eva was talking about. The cat showing the different colors of people based on what they were thinking. hehehe so the full moon brings out the real self out. :) sometimes sad I guess. But things which can be controlled by meditation. political quote for the day: "Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian." (native Americans they mean by Indians). So true and yet most people forget that and try to act like they have been living here for centuries and complain about mexicans coming into the US. Actually I think mexicans have more right to these places than the majority of the population. Now I understand why I am feeling tired. Did not drink enough water. Was so lost in watching the moon that I did not drink enough water and hydrate. First sign of all these is the cramping up at different parts of the body. Got to call up Malini and Ashish to see if they are up for going out to down town philly for some late night salsa. :) Tomorrow there is pot luck at Sidneys house. Tapas pot luck. Something spanish, wondering if its okay to take some indian stuff and a bottel of Viiinooo hehehe. love my name. See Evi on line , not really motivated to face her negativity or make her feel negative because of thinking about me. Thou I wish I could just do something to make her smile,laugh and be happy. She seems still angry at lot of stuff, well she is always angry at something. Only the words from some calming and inspiring quotes seem to cool her hot head down. And full moon seems to bring out the craziness out of her. Hopefully its not some kind of extreme case of bi-polarity she seems to show and she will positively work towards the solution within herself. I am and was hoping that we could be good friends and put out the Good and bad things that happened in the past behind us as soon as possible and move towards a calmer and happier state. And the more we delay been good friends and good to each other, the longer we will carry all the negative emotions. Something I am hoping that she will realize soon. Don't want her to be hurting herself thinking about and focusing on the negative past. And hope she can atleast try to practice some of the great words she seem to quote. Send malini a mail via iPhone, such a pain with no personal email access at work :) Hoping to coordiante tonites salsa outing with her and Ashish the new guy in Philly i met at the hike last week. Again seeing Eva in some kind of emotional turmoil, I am reminded of the song. Its only words, words are all I have to make you feel better and take your heart away. Words are all I have to make your suffering disappear. Its only words, words are all i have to make you smile and laugh. Its only words, words are all I have. :) To take your heart away.

Its a sad thing that she is totally focusing on what I have done bad and not even for one moment considering the fact that she has to do with a lot of it because of her thoughtless ignorant actions.

As long as she is in the world of hers of seeing it as all my fault then she will just continue on further into life with out having learnt anything positive or making any positive direction. I have forgiven her for all the stuff she did to hurt me and also for having tortured me with her many words of manipulation and lies. Even thou I am still besieged with questions as to why she had to lie to me at all about Amit. Well I guess even she does not know why she ended up lying to me and her parents. And she rather prefers to blame me than take any responsibility for her action, I sure she will surely like to fool herself into making me the Villain in all this. But holding zero responsibility for her own actions.

If at all anything I think I have been more patient to her and realized that I could be that patient and friendly and willing to work out issues and help us both grow together. But what can I do if the other person has a wall up and not open to even understanding the situation I try to explain. Well it takes time I guess for them to even understand that they must have done something wrong and she always was trying to preach moving forward with out learning from the past or using the past as lessons for the future, Just bulldozing into the future without correction the correctable errors of the past is not how people evolve and grow.

Was trying to set up DTC call in number to test with the british guy matt who seems to be having his own anger going on about the situation. Guess today I am to expect that from almost every one who is bi-polar. Full moon brings out the crazies. hehehe

Get a msg back from Malini seems to want to go out for salsa and also seems to want to go on Satruday night. Called up Ashish even he seems to be intrested.
So its party time.

Get the testing done in the war-room with a successful screen pop. phew :}

Get back home after compiling a doc from the code , reverse engineering to get to know the existing business functionality . need to go over it with krathik

Get back home around 7, eat dinner and head out in the evening... salsa, salsa baby

Another bright day

Thursday Jun-24-2010
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get up early by 5am , just 5hrs . Meditation sure helps. Do some yoga and a bit of work out. Pants have already feeling loose.

Check emails for a few. see Eva online send msg and suddenly her status seems to set to busy. well guess she is.

Anyways get ready to get out and find that I misplaced the keys. franatic running around to find it. was hoping to beat the gate closing for the 6:50am train. But was not able to. Made it to work the long way but made it on time. my time of 7:00am. And got into conf. talked a few general stuff about how I am making it into work early and then the Kolkata guys came in and started the conf.

was checking the application for the issues thatI had yesterday night when working from home.

Then logged on to igoogle and send eva a msg with hope of telling her something I was thinking for sometime.

Well its almost weekend time with a Full moon coming by on Saturday. Supposed to be astrologically fine for me. Now should I go for hiking or salsa dancing on friday night. Malini said she was going to turn up after her job work in some southern state for her company. And then maybe call up Ashish the new guy in the hiking group who was in Indianapolise and was taught salsa by Marcus someone with who I started learning together under Yang in the same class. :) small world.

Would be nice to go out salsa dancing with Malini and see how she follows my lead. She seemed pretty down to earth. remains to be seen how we connect on the dance floor

Was thinking about the coffee story I sent to Evi. It had a very profound meaning and depth to it. We all realy need is the coffee. A simple thing. but we get lost in the focus of the external cup.

Same as the Ego clash we had on our trip. Focusing on the external factors of I need this, you should do that or this or you are not been nice and cultured.

We should have focused on the core of why we were doing this and should have tried to focus on solution than ending up building walls and keeping each others opinion and not wanting to discuss.

Well enough thought about the past and looking at it from a fresh point of view is helping me focus on the things I could have creatively done and improved. Hopefully atleast in the future.

So that I don't repeat the same mistakes of the past and focus on the solution and controling personal ego. Guess I was scared that she would break my heart if I opened up more and was also trying to protect myself.

Only to latter realise that I love her more than anything in my life. Thou I was feeling relieved when she broke up this year for a few weeks. And ended up sending Amit the mail explaining all of my side of the story, maybe with the slight hope that he would be more mature enough to handle it and not lash out at her. Guess he was more immature and inexperienced than her and was more of a theory guy who was good with the indian way of quoting something from the Gita and ramayana. Something which Eva found very attractive, and I assumed that if she found that guy mature enough, he must be able to handle this. And after my talk with him he did sound like that. But guess it was all the Indian, mumbai show of external confidence on matters of knowing about relationship but not really practical.

All this said and done, comes back to the coffee of life and the elegant cup.

comparing it to my life and all the travelling and moving around. the basic reason was to be able to provide the future generation with the facilities of better education and affordable life style. So arouse the need to find a better paying job in the US and Canada.

Yes I would like to travel and experience other cultures and learn from the history and heritage of other cultures. It would be great as an hobby and also the possibility of adapting somethings good from those cultures.

Got chatting with eva towards the end of her day at work. she was not able to open the inspirational coffee story of the 123 greeting. Again seems to get angry and sarcastic when I just asked a casual question about whats keeping you busy these days. her reply was "I am not wandering around". Well that is something I have to learn to be tolerant towards and be patient towards people who seem to be low on that.

Strange it is that someone who seems to be so much into all those quotes of calming mind and thoughts seems to loose it all when undera bit of pressure or irritation.

Wanted to talk to her about something I was thinking of the past few days about my actions and other stuff. But thou she said she was going to be leaving late from work, suddenly just 4 sentences latter she just abruptedly leaves with out wating for me to say bye. That felt rude coming from someone who was preaching about how her culture it is bad to do this and that.

Well guess thats human nature I guess, people think of their cultural finess when they see the other person do something inappropariate and then when it comes to practising it, they all do the same things. Just words. Maybe its like the repeating of the words may help us control our basic animal behavior. That may also be why she feels bad about her own actions and takes comfort and control from all the inspiring words from the quotes.

We all do. Helps us keep in check and in balance. The point is in consiciously observing our own emotions and reactions to situation. Which I just noticed in myself and did not feel like reacting because of her actions. Rather was able to look at it as, oh maybe she is having a very bad day. And wanted to say something nice and cheer her up. That way I was able to focus on the good and doing good and coming up with a solution than contributing to making the issue bigger.

I am learning positively. Nice experience with Evi la miminko,, bon appetite (code for,,, ,, hehehe that was a nice example of what we say and what others understand).

Back to work.

Forecast says
there is a Lunar Eclipse on June 26, which is a powerful Full Moon. Eclipses always bring a sense of heightened anticipation. This one will challenge you to re-balance your life. Be warned - there will be no time to think - the choices are either this or that. Some of us may have to find a way to balance contradictory demands. But if you get it right then it'll keep you on an even keel in the months ahead.

Life is never boring with you, as any of your old romantic partners will acknowledge. This month you could throw your sweetie a curve ball with your ardor on June 30.

My daily forecast says :
Are you involved romantically with someone from far away? If the person lives close by, expect to see a lot of each other today. There is, however, a chance that your friend could be temporarily visiting family, and you're missing each other. Take heart! The celestial energy implies that your partner misses you just as much, and will probably move heaven and Earth to get back to you soon. Hang in there!

hehehe how much of this is true. Well wish Eva was like that or did that when we were together. I just did not want her to come to be with me as an obligation

but wanted her to come to me because she wanted to be with me.

Even if I would have said no, I was secretly hoping that she would just say, I don't care, I am in love with you and want to be with you so I am coming to canada. God knows then I would have loved her more than any person in the world could love anyone else. Love is building up in my heart waiting to burst out to the person who can really make me love her more than anything, Evi kind of ran away even before the best part could start.

I did not want her to come and live with me and make our relationship into a obligation. I came from there so you need to treat me in a different way, or I deserve to be treated in a different way. You should love me more because I traveled more. That type of thinking is never good for building a relationship.

Slovakia won against Itay,, yahoooo cheers

Maybe I need to go and visit Czech and Slovakia. I must be connected with that culture, that is why I remember most of the scene from the movie she showed me. I had seen it when I was a little kid.

Well who cares if she invited me or not. I am going there one of these days and going to experience it. Thou she said a lot of negative things about the people there, I am sure they are as good as Miraslav and Lubo.

3: I finish making a simulation of the code fix that worked in the Nbg group , but because of no ph connection to the Dtc group could not test it there.

4:30 training which dragged on into 620pm. Got back to desk and sent matt a thank you note for the dummy agents he set up for me on avaya. and told him we would need a 1800 ph no for Dtc .

6:45 bak home another 12hr day at work. with one hr lunch break.

came back and had a vanilla caramel ice cream cone. Ice on a warm day, courtesy of inspiration from Eva blog. Thank you eva ;) hehehe

9pm went for a run, then for some biking in the gym. Saw the first pair of two Indian couples there. hmmm not bad.

was walking back and saw the partial full moon. Beautiful on a day of clear sky.

Got back home was sweating like crazy. took off my shirt and sat in the balcony looking out at the beautiful milky white moon.
just felt peaceful and in awe at the radiating beauty.

in the moment of calm and peace was thinking that for years I have been waiting to open up my heart and soul and shower all the built up love with in me. But so far not one girl has had the fortune of experiencing it fully.
For the ones I wanted to open upto,
fate or their own unfortunate choice took them away from me.

Building up intensely and smoldering in my heart each passing day
is that warm special love waiting for someone special

Someone who will truly deserve it.
Someone who will truly appreciate it.

Some had the fortune of only having experienced glimpses of it
Maybe they did not have the fortune or fate to deserve my full love.

But growing and smoldering is the volcano of love within me.
waiting for that special someone, who deserves it fully and truly. :)

Feeling High Energy today

Wed, Jun-23-2010
=============

Woke up with a weird, dream of watch TV and feeling uncomfortable. ?????? Anyway got to do some yoga stretching and breathing today, objective was for just a few, then got caught up and did lot more. :) Maybe that is why I am feeling charge, also the ginger tea with tea masala helped. Thou I have been having it for the past one week. Ginger is said to boost up you immune system. Better than any of the artificial tablets for Vitamins. Reached work around 7am and made it to the conf call to Kolkata. I was the 2nd person in, Raj D was leading the conf today. few mins latter Diman from Kolkota joined in, asked him about the weather and seems its cloudy and rain in Kolkata. Cheers better than hot summer. Get on to mute and listen in on the conversation.

Back to the TV dream, why was I feeling uncomfortable with the TV, it was like the TV suddenly appeared in my house and I was shocked. Is this still some kind of Trauma I am going thru because of all the intense way in which Eva reacted to my watching TV to relax after continuous driving for 8 to 10 hrs while she comfortably slept in the car during our 1 month trip.

Or is it because I am just too sensitive a person and easily effected by the thought that I must have hurt someone and want to correct it. And trying to correct it by living with out TV for the past 4 months now. wow that is like more than 100 days. Correct it. That’s like punishing myself for what I think I must have done bad and wrong as per her thinking.

So where is the balance there.

Should I have given up watching TV in the evening in the hotels we stayed about 60 percent of the trip, the other 40 percent been in Tent camps?

She did not understand that it was helping me take my mind of the stress I was under, right from the start of the trip, with her as a responsibility for me to protect at all costs. Driving thru deserts where there was no one and no civilization for miles, and thru wilderness where it was beautiful but had its own possibilities of danger from Bears and other wild creatures.

So how does one say this line should not be crossed. She never even gave us the opportunity to discuss about the issue. She just seemed to get angry and close up and walk away. After all her claim of been from a family that is very decent and cilvilised and cultured, her actions did not show that she was cultured when she wanted things her way.

So was I right in taking the option of having to take care of myself and my needs so that I don't break down under the continuous stress or was there an option to talk and discuss like cultured people. I really wish there was, because as far as I remember, even thou at the beginning of the trip she said she wanted to spend time with me and did not care about the hiking, the first opportunity she got, with in 24 hrs of our meeting after 3 months, she just walked away throwing the food at me and did not even bother to tell me that she was going down for the hike.

So what is a guy like me supposed to have done. I know most guys would have just said that this is the end of the relationship and stopped the trip right there. I was hoping that once she cools down we could have a discussion.

Then an idea hit me, because this walking away with out even telling me anything was not the first time she did this. The first time she did that I tried to talk to her about it. She did not seem to understand or realize it then and thought that there is nothing wrong in that. And her dad also showed that trait, but his was more of been absent minded.

So the idea was to do to her what she did to me and see how she feels when someone does that to her. Did it work, yes it made her feel the pain that I was going thru, but did she relate it to her actions and try to understand that this how other people feel when she does that to them. Not on the trip atleast.

Well human being take time to understand when they experience things the first time. Guess she must be slowly getting to understand that in India. Not sure, but I hope that soon the Indian way of looking at things more as family and team will get into her thinking and way of life and more so her behavior.

But back to the question what else could I have done. Maybe made more effort to communicate with her in a calmer way. As her dad asked me to be patient with her. Patience is a great virtue , but


After the trip she went on to accuse me of ignoring her, me and ignoring her. Because I did not go on some of the hikes with her. Did she even bother to ask me why.

I was usually stressed and tired driving non stop like a professional driver for 8 to 10 hrs from morning to evening, then after we reach a camp. She slept like a log peacefully – happy, and I usually had troubled sleep with all the Bear scare and the responsibility of protecting us both in case of some attack in the wilderness. Then the next day she is all fresh and rested, where as I was just too tired and worn out and feeling sleepy. Not anyway in a position to go on strenuous hikes. So a few times I just let her go on her own. While I browsed thru the visitors center and got to learn more about the location and the history of the
Place. And all the while I was again getting stressed that I did not go with her and be three to protect this foolish innocent life. Most of the times I was just hanging out at the place waiting for her to come back and trying to keep busy with walking around the places of interest.

One time at the grand canyon when she went down for the hike. I waited for hrs to see her come up and then only then did I take off to some sunset viewing area. And then lost track of time to get back to camp.
That was a mistake on my part, but I felt so relived after seeing her come back up the canyon.
This is what happened, Because after she left for the hike in the morning, I could not think and do anything else but hang around the rim wondering should I go follow her or should I just wait for her and is she having enough water will she be dehydrated with the heat of 40 deg C.
Another reason I was not able to do down as my body was still in pain after I pushed my self to climb the mountain at Yosemite and hiked bare feet. My muscles were still sore, no was in no condition to go down the Grand canyon.

Anyways that was something that happened during the day, and then I was able to relax after she returned and got carried away by the moment and totally forgot that I would have to get back to the camp. That was from 6pm to 8pm. Am I justified in having my 2 hrs of relaxation at the location or should I have been at her beck and call and tending to her needs like I am her slave and servant?

Again what would I have done differently or should have done differently. Maybe after seeing her come up I should have gone back to the start of the hike which was probably like about 1.5 miles from the view point I was in. But the temptation of seeing the sun set from that particular point (hopi point I guess) was overwhelming. And to get to that point it was either walk or take the bus no private vehicles allowed….. maybe I should have gone and met her. Or should have had a walkie talkie for both of us to communicate.

Well these were things we should have communicated positively and worked out. Just like our relationship too.

I still feel that since we know each others good and bad so well, we could easily work out lot of our issues and become a very happy and wonderful couple and good parents to our kids.

status meeting 10 to 11, then meetingwith Ajit about fine tuning the powerpoint. then went to have lunch
back for training and trying to figure out ways to make call as the 10digits needed for screen pop was getting filtered out by switch and only sending in 7 digits

And need to set up DTC for pop and see how that works.

Get back home and was trying to do the tests and code from home.

had chicken popcorns , was tasting yummy. Then went for a 3km run around 9:10pm. called up AV and then Anil and talked. watched the US Algeria match a bit on internet.

day of meetings

Tuesday Jun-22-2010
================

After finishing cooking a veggie curry yesterday and having a great dinner. Watched a bit of Soccer on line and then passed out on the couch. Guess my body has caught up with the continous work out.

Woke up with the thoughts of the series of meetings I have an interview to check out the girl in Bangalore to support me. She seemed demanding in the mail. Not a good sign. But with no one else avaliable in the company with the skill sets it does not look good. OR maybe she is young very young, just out of engineering about 3 years ago and must be filled up with EGO of someone who thinks that she has conqured the world. And more because of on not many people in India know what S-CTI is . aww well, if she is fortunate she will learn after a few falls and when her ego gets puntured, she will come back to earth a bit atleast. fingers corssed for coordinating the interview.

now there was a confusion about the 1-800 bridge number we have a conf daily on. Had to switch to a new one as the earlier one was been used by Ajit. he been the boss had the right to it more than us.

Saw the blog updates of eva, seems to be improving her thoughts or rather the presentation of her thought with more examples. Guess that is called improving with practice.

Sent her a msg on igoogle chat and she suddenly changed her status to busy and sent a msg that she was busy. Guess her boss must have seen her blog and decided to give her more work or maybe something else.

Life and lifes twists.
Seasons come in fixed cycles
Heat, Rain, Flowery spring, Cold.
But the core of the Earth remains

Just like our own selves and our relationships
They are made to face the severe extrems,
just for a season,
Testing our deep strength
Rewarding with simple pleasures,
Punishing with pain,
To see if we are cowards to give up and run away

Hide we may for a few fleeting moments
But have to face the facts and the seasons again
Better and more stable to stick to the tested known.
Than the untested, unknown.

12:30 to 1pm Got to interview Shewta the gal in bangalore. Thou she is good at communicaiton. Her bullshitting and lack of proper exposure to the CTI stood out and also the fakness of her resume.

But she is the only one available in the company for the offshore CTI work. It was as good as having a dummy person there.
1:pm get into another meeting with the middle ware guys. upto 2pm. guess the Avaya guys will be taking care of the moc-pop.

Ask matt for another secession on the cti, wanted to see the call back function.

Guys here are talking about the new Version of iPhone and the new version of the OS.

Around 3: mat calls and we are trying to set up the Dev3 to AvayaDev. Succeed in getting call thru, but no pop.
4:30 to training out by 6pm to meet Ajit to brief him about the interview. Then he asks me to prepare a power point about the 1pm meeting with diagrams. ahhhh its 7pm now getting home a preparing the ppt would take all night.

Get home and start putting the diagrams together and then put another slide with the sequence of work flow. Finish by 9pm and send it to Ajit for review. 10:36 get a reply from him that we can put in some more things in the morning and send it to client. pfff.. hehehe, that sounds like evi