Thursday, JUN-03-2010
_______________________
Get up early, and reach work early. Felt so nice to be at work so early. Again the conf call with off shore Indians in Calcutta (kolkata). Was a big bore. The people there I was told were the most closed minded people with the never dying Communistic Tendency. Over 50 years of Elected Communist rule. Only state in India with the longest Communist govt.
All these guys do all day is, smoke like a chimney and keep drinking lots of tea and chat and chat and chat. Very typical of the Laziness that is bred by the security of the Government taking care of everything. Maybe its the same in France and other countries. Part of Kerala also is like that. With the Communist govt coming to power 50 percent of the time.
Wish there was some way to make Eva understand and work out our life. Every one has some kind of issues, our issues were so external to our personal living problems.
I think we were more understanding in our day to day life of compromising and living as a couple, practical about our expense and luxirious, careful and responsible about each others needs for daily adjustments and living from the early morning use of wash room, break fast, food, sleep, temp adjustment in the room, etc.
One issue with her was me watching TV and she considered that ignoring her needs. Well that was my relaxation after a hard day of continous driving while she slept in the car.
But the wider issues turned up at our clash of the ideology of living life and association with others and the issues of boundaries to be maintained with people we are not in a relationship with.
IF we are to live as a family we would probably be helping each other in our difficulties and helping each other to over come our difficulties in our individual areas of life.
And in the insecurity of the future, we got to see that, each seems to think that the other does not trust them or care for them. Each had a different scale to measure the love for the other. I was basing on her tendecy to spend more time with others as a sign that she was not that interested in me and her tendency to rather go to sleep when talking with me and seem to be very active and excited when she seems to want to go out and dance.
And she was expectin me to be there everytime she came online after her partying and be there to make her feel good.
she never understood the fact that on Feb 14 valentines day, I was totally glued to the computer hoping and waiting that she would come online and I would be able to wish her face to face on skype. But she just went out partied with whoever and just went to bed or did what ever she did or she was feeling guilty of something she did.
And directly accused me of been a bad boy friend for not sending her a message on facebook with wishes. hahaha.. so easy it was for her to accuse me. Maybe it was her own guilty conscious that caused her to doubt my sincere love and ignored the fact that I must have been waiting to wish her face to face on video chat.
well what ever, she sure was not lucky to know the depth and sincerity of my love and dedication for her.
Opportunity she lost or rather choose not to experience.
foolish me is still trying to compromise. And the more I try the more she seems to take me for granted. And reached such a low point that I felt stripped of my self respect and diginity.
She did not force me, but I choose that in the interest of my love for her and the hope of our future relationship.
Atleast I know, now to what extend I can go for the sake of my love. Love which she is probably not ready to experience or is not destined for.
Well its a great day outside, was having a huge smile and feeling of weight off my shoulders.
Saw her blog and she seems to be moving to a new flat. Atleast she is able to live with a group of people and keep herself busy.
Now I am wondering how come she seems to have enough money to spend for a second trip to India and for the US trip she was saying she did not have much.
And I who did not have much, ended up spending the last few thousands I had on the trip hoping that I would rather spend on my love and maybe even go hungry latter without money.
So many hidden factors coming out now. And she thought that I took more money from her than I should and must have manipulated the figures. wow!. how she easily forgot that I paid for half her flight charges too.
Maybe all this issue with trust was with her, and I was so foolishly and blindly trusting her.
This should be a good learning lesson for me to look out for the red flags at places like this.
Oh god its so confusing and painful to suddenly see so many more of in-sincere and manipulation from someone who I madly fell in love with..
12:00 go out with the others to Indian restaurant "Aman", it was for Suvendu going back to India and the Kalkata(culcatta) office. IT was his Farewell lunchon. The restaurant had good ambience, as usual buffet, small but good combination. get back by 2pm.
4 to 5 meeting to improve process and reduce time and confusion during various phases of project.
5:30 go over to Ajit the Delivery Manager for the project and talk to him again about my role in the project and how I am feeling rusted as I have been just sitting idle for two months and getting paid like a big fat duck. He tells me well we are getting paid, you are getting paid. Be patient, there is a reason why the client needs you here.
Then I go to his cabin and ask him about SAP CRM opening in the Bangalore office, he tries to discourage me from changing the group as I will get lower level and not manager level. I say, I am fine with it. But said he will try to talk with other people and see. Feel like that he is giving me just fake words. I said, my conditions have changed thats why I did not want to go to Bangalore now.
As in the begining I was crazy in love and wanted it badly. I tried my best to get her back, threw my ego and diginity aside to try to get her and the more I tried the more she was behaving like a over powerful person who was looking down at me like some cheap creature. He said, yes I can see that, the more you try to be like that some people will always only take you for granted more.
He was trying to convince me to take some time off and go to india and get married or find some girl to get married. He said 80 percent of marriages are all about compromises. Everyone fights. Only very few are very lucky to be not fighting. I said yes, but I can only try so much. And it takes two willing persons to stick together no matter what and work HARD at making and relationship that works. That requires commitment, but when only one person is committed and the other persons mind is jumping all over the world and not able to be still and focused on the relationship, its not possible.
Then he goes on to tell me how he married in 14 days, just took a risk and married and now is happy with 2 kids and a house. He said Sometimes in life we have to take a risk and not go looking at the horoscope and things like that.. Yep I do agree, I was willing to take the risk and see how it works out, gave up own Self respect to make compromise with her but she is just not willing to even have a conversation with me. Life is like that. Hopefully this was not the person. As she did not seem to appreciate anything and the everything I did for her and our love.
9 pm go for a Run this time about 3kms Then get to the Gym and do Biking for 1 hr. about 11pm now time to hit the bed for an early day tomorrow. :)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Courage
June-02-2010 Wednesday
*****************************
Get up early for conf call at 7am. got ready and all and ended up been the first person in the call. And as expected the team in India were a good 10 min late, came in 7:10am. Kris drove the meeting
Got to work, again the frist in. What a good motivator.
was checking facebook and chating with Beena. Good words of comfort from her. Told her about Eva and what not I tried to make comprise. Begged, crawled and put my ego to one side. Killed every ounce of my Ego and diginity.
Feel so much like a begger and useless person now. I hope no one has to go thru all this in their life. And will be able to preserve their own human diginity. Even if it is for the sake of love or great good.
`courage is the discovery that you may not win and trying when you know you can lose ` - Tom Krause
Well I guess I was courageous enough to have tried my best even thou I was not sure of anything and not sure how we will succeed, if at all we or it will succeed.
It took so much of will power to open up my heart and feelings to her and it felt that i reached and allowed myself and my feelings to be hurt again and again and my Ego, self-respect and diginity killed in the process.
A sense of been raped of my diginity and feel violated.
I choose (no one forced me) and I tried like no man ever did and may not do and should not do. And for relationship to work it takes two willing people.
I have been trying since the last week of Feb. But for some reason or the other Eva seems to want to give up and seemed not interested even to get her to talk to me, she made me beg and beg in the last week of Feb.
Maybe she already had some other master plan and hope of having an affair with Amit. So she made it look like its all my fault and in the process really started believing it and soon got lost and moved very far from the Real world.
Of course we were not fully honest with each other, she did not have to lie to me about Amit or many other things, I was the most understanding of people and also had my different opinion. Who does not have a different opinion.
And surely it felt so fake that she decided to break up saying that I don't trust her and said I called her an liar and that I should apologise..... such a sick twist of reality to manipuate. It was like she was just looking for a reason to fight and break up.
And it was fate that proved me right and even after that she continued in the direction of her moral downfall moving from amit to rishit to who else next . How long before she really realises the right path. Hope she does soon and not end up becoming some kind of Slut like amit stated.
I have forgiven her for all the cheap games she played and I am sure she does not realise it either that she has started believing that I am the person who is wrong in saying that we are not able to have honest conversation and then blaming me more for somthing Amit must have told her. Not once is she taking any responsibility for her actions. nor is she able to realise about the things she continues to do wrong.
That means all the great words that she seems to quote does not have any heart in it. Its just words she is using to make an impression to the outter world. Maybe it will attract lot of other people to her. But in the long run, people will soon realise that she is just another superficial person with just words and not really someone who believes in the words. No wonder Louis did not turn up on the last day and the iranian guy just left. And she is wondering why. Easy answer, its because of her superficiality.
I think this was something I was always trying to tell, her, why blame something else. Don't loose focus of the reality.
She always seem to blame something else or someone else. And her huge Ego seems to be so stuck in the idea that she is not at fault at all and never at fault at all and that she is so far from the truth of her own wrong assumptions or right from worng.
I was hoping sooner or latter she would be able to realise how to be humble and respect the powers of the universe and that of fate.
No one has conqured much thinking that they are the best and that they can do everything and anything. We are humans with our own limitations. And when I sincerely point out something, I am not doing that to hurt her or put her down in front of her friends, even thou she did that to me so openly on facebook.
I am just trying to get her, to see there is another point of view and that is something that comes from our own self examination and humbleness.
Well I tried and I am for now feeling lost. Lost without communication with her. So no way to work on the bad feelings that is between us and I can feel it in her words. So full of hate. She does not want to admit it, but her hate filled words seem to come thru so clearly.
will she ever realise the sequence of actions of hers or will she just be the Ego queen who will always think that she is right and end up believing in her own lies and never reach a state of humbleness and self understanding.
If only she was able to realise herself. hope it is not too late. Future will tell.
Got to call Sara today. kind off was too tired yesterday night to call and missed her late evening message. Hope I can provide Sara with some comfort and motivation. Atleast she seems to see me as a nice and caring person. Need to do good where people deserve it. Not at places where they treat you like some sick creature when you are trying to do good.
Oh why did I even bother about Evas well being during the US tirp and totally focus on her safety and the hrs I spent at all the places wondering if she was safe. While I should just have gone about carefree just like her and enjoyed. The Hiking does not matter, I just want to spend time with you, that is important for me. That is the biggest lie she told me. As she dumped me and the food and walked away on her all important trekk with in 24 hrs of landing in Seattle. Not even a word or I am going down, just dumped the food that I did not want in the first place and just walked away, Like I was not there and did not matter at all.
I feel like puking at my own idotic behavior of caring for someone who does not seem to care a bit about me or my wel being. A person so egoistic in her own desires that she does not even see how much I madly love her.
got to call delma and see how she is doing after i told her to work it out with her boyfriend and not to use double standards and fooling her own self, just like eva is doing. Hope she realised it and has the brains to let her ego to the side and compromise with him.
Reminds me of Kayes words, "we women don't know why we do somethings, it is strange. Men do things very logically and practically. "
call Chakri too, poor guy was struggling with his car. long time since we talked. One other person who thought that Eva had some strange ideas. Bobby said that he was puzzled by her talk. she just kept talking and talking. Atleast he was able to find a good girl.
Not many of the girls were able to identify with Evas thinking either, they thought that she was the product of some dysfunctional family and hence was confused and is struggling to find herself.
And after all these negative msgs from others, I still think that deep down there is a wonderful person, who is struggling to come out and is getting pushed down by her own Ego and the desire for some kind for high emotional happiness or excitment that she wants to feel. Some people go to get that in clubs, or on drugs. All short term. she seems to want that from a series of short term relationship rather than work on our relationship.
Will she forever be lost in the repetitive cycles of her relationship thinking that its a great experience or will she ever be able to reach the next level of been a family. Will she one day just make a harsh decision and get married to some weirdo to only want to jump out of it in a couple of months. It would be interesting to see how her past actions will affect her future. Well like I face the consquences of my actions, I hope she does not suffer much for her poor choices and confusions. I hope the goodness in her comes out more.
11:30am now, 30 mins of entering the blog after the status meeting from 10 to 11am. Looks like the MOC is having funding issues and will know about that part of the project going ahead tomorrow.
back to work
Called up Sara in the afternoon from work and left a msg. Same time get a msg from her on FB. Again we end up playing phone tag. :)))
Her FB msg was so sweet. How glad she is for having met me. And encouraging me with many other things. So nice to feel appreciated and acknowleged. Its so different from the other selfish people I seem to meet and fall for. Why is life so confusing.
The training got cancelled for the 2nd day consecutively.
Kriss is going to drop off his family at NY airport tomorrow morning so ask him to start off by 4am , others tell him 5am, he was planning on 7am. Their flight is at 11am and international boarding starts about 45 mins in advance. Check in by atleast 9am. Given the peak hours of the morning traffic into Manhattan. And the traffic choke up in the capital city of the world. He does not seem to realize the in bound traffic.
Around 7pm reach home, try to relax and then see couple of text msgs from Sara about missed calls.
8:45 pm go for a run around pennbrook pkwy. As its almost sun set, there I get to see fireflies dancing around the lawns and the trees. Sweet nature, Don't remember seeing fireflies since I was a kid back home. That is a good sign. Just like the sign in the movie Avatar.
Return back after running about 2 kms. was sweating a lot as I was running after a very long time. Get out on to the balcony as it feels a bit cooler there. Get out my portable chair and sit out. Was thinking again of my life and how it had reached such a low point emotionally that I threw away all my self-respect and diginity trying to compromise with a person who was just lying to me and making me crawl and beg and treat me colder than any cheap creature. Why did I end up falling in love with someone who did not treat me right and continues to treat me worse than filth.
Suddenly I notice the leaves of the trees dancing to the music of the wind. The green leaves are brand new, as it just sprung out of the branches after the winter. And they seem to be happily celebrating their brief life.
I started thanking the god and the universe for the beautiful plants,
Thanked for the beautiful trees,
Thanked for the beautiful house I live in,
thanked for the good health that I have,
Thanked for the security of a well paying job.
Suddenly I noticed that my head that was kind of hanging down with shame and depression raised itself. Thankful for what I have made me unconsciously feel better about myself.
I looked up at the sky and
Thanked for the wide skies slowly revealing the beauty of the stars and the universe.
Why should I waste my time and energy trying to win the love of someone who is not thankful for my love and rather treated me and continues on the path of treating me worse and worse with every passing moment.
There are so many people who would love to be with me and appreciate me for so many things. I should focus on what I have and not let some one who does not appreciate a good thing in their life treat me and my sincere love as some shabby shit to be used and thrown away with cheap excuses. They don't deserve me or my love.
Talked with Chakri after seeing his comment on FB. He was really motivating and encouraging. Wanting me to go out and party like crazy and meet some hot chicks. As I was not motivated to go out for someone new into my life.
*****************************
Get up early for conf call at 7am. got ready and all and ended up been the first person in the call. And as expected the team in India were a good 10 min late, came in 7:10am. Kris drove the meeting
Got to work, again the frist in. What a good motivator.
was checking facebook and chating with Beena. Good words of comfort from her. Told her about Eva and what not I tried to make comprise. Begged, crawled and put my ego to one side. Killed every ounce of my Ego and diginity.
Feel so much like a begger and useless person now. I hope no one has to go thru all this in their life. And will be able to preserve their own human diginity. Even if it is for the sake of love or great good.
`courage is the discovery that you may not win and trying when you know you can lose ` - Tom Krause
Well I guess I was courageous enough to have tried my best even thou I was not sure of anything and not sure how we will succeed, if at all we or it will succeed.
It took so much of will power to open up my heart and feelings to her and it felt that i reached and allowed myself and my feelings to be hurt again and again and my Ego, self-respect and diginity killed in the process.
A sense of been raped of my diginity and feel violated.
I choose (no one forced me) and I tried like no man ever did and may not do and should not do. And for relationship to work it takes two willing people.
I have been trying since the last week of Feb. But for some reason or the other Eva seems to want to give up and seemed not interested even to get her to talk to me, she made me beg and beg in the last week of Feb.
Maybe she already had some other master plan and hope of having an affair with Amit. So she made it look like its all my fault and in the process really started believing it and soon got lost and moved very far from the Real world.
Of course we were not fully honest with each other, she did not have to lie to me about Amit or many other things, I was the most understanding of people and also had my different opinion. Who does not have a different opinion.
And surely it felt so fake that she decided to break up saying that I don't trust her and said I called her an liar and that I should apologise..... such a sick twist of reality to manipuate. It was like she was just looking for a reason to fight and break up.
And it was fate that proved me right and even after that she continued in the direction of her moral downfall moving from amit to rishit to who else next . How long before she really realises the right path. Hope she does soon and not end up becoming some kind of Slut like amit stated.
I have forgiven her for all the cheap games she played and I am sure she does not realise it either that she has started believing that I am the person who is wrong in saying that we are not able to have honest conversation and then blaming me more for somthing Amit must have told her. Not once is she taking any responsibility for her actions. nor is she able to realise about the things she continues to do wrong.
That means all the great words that she seems to quote does not have any heart in it. Its just words she is using to make an impression to the outter world. Maybe it will attract lot of other people to her. But in the long run, people will soon realise that she is just another superficial person with just words and not really someone who believes in the words. No wonder Louis did not turn up on the last day and the iranian guy just left. And she is wondering why. Easy answer, its because of her superficiality.
I think this was something I was always trying to tell, her, why blame something else. Don't loose focus of the reality.
She always seem to blame something else or someone else. And her huge Ego seems to be so stuck in the idea that she is not at fault at all and never at fault at all and that she is so far from the truth of her own wrong assumptions or right from worng.
I was hoping sooner or latter she would be able to realise how to be humble and respect the powers of the universe and that of fate.
No one has conqured much thinking that they are the best and that they can do everything and anything. We are humans with our own limitations. And when I sincerely point out something, I am not doing that to hurt her or put her down in front of her friends, even thou she did that to me so openly on facebook.
I am just trying to get her, to see there is another point of view and that is something that comes from our own self examination and humbleness.
Well I tried and I am for now feeling lost. Lost without communication with her. So no way to work on the bad feelings that is between us and I can feel it in her words. So full of hate. She does not want to admit it, but her hate filled words seem to come thru so clearly.
will she ever realise the sequence of actions of hers or will she just be the Ego queen who will always think that she is right and end up believing in her own lies and never reach a state of humbleness and self understanding.
If only she was able to realise herself. hope it is not too late. Future will tell.
Got to call Sara today. kind off was too tired yesterday night to call and missed her late evening message. Hope I can provide Sara with some comfort and motivation. Atleast she seems to see me as a nice and caring person. Need to do good where people deserve it. Not at places where they treat you like some sick creature when you are trying to do good.
Oh why did I even bother about Evas well being during the US tirp and totally focus on her safety and the hrs I spent at all the places wondering if she was safe. While I should just have gone about carefree just like her and enjoyed. The Hiking does not matter, I just want to spend time with you, that is important for me. That is the biggest lie she told me. As she dumped me and the food and walked away on her all important trekk with in 24 hrs of landing in Seattle. Not even a word or I am going down, just dumped the food that I did not want in the first place and just walked away, Like I was not there and did not matter at all.
I feel like puking at my own idotic behavior of caring for someone who does not seem to care a bit about me or my wel being. A person so egoistic in her own desires that she does not even see how much I madly love her.
got to call delma and see how she is doing after i told her to work it out with her boyfriend and not to use double standards and fooling her own self, just like eva is doing. Hope she realised it and has the brains to let her ego to the side and compromise with him.
Reminds me of Kayes words, "we women don't know why we do somethings, it is strange. Men do things very logically and practically. "
call Chakri too, poor guy was struggling with his car. long time since we talked. One other person who thought that Eva had some strange ideas. Bobby said that he was puzzled by her talk. she just kept talking and talking. Atleast he was able to find a good girl.
Not many of the girls were able to identify with Evas thinking either, they thought that she was the product of some dysfunctional family and hence was confused and is struggling to find herself.
And after all these negative msgs from others, I still think that deep down there is a wonderful person, who is struggling to come out and is getting pushed down by her own Ego and the desire for some kind for high emotional happiness or excitment that she wants to feel. Some people go to get that in clubs, or on drugs. All short term. she seems to want that from a series of short term relationship rather than work on our relationship.
Will she forever be lost in the repetitive cycles of her relationship thinking that its a great experience or will she ever be able to reach the next level of been a family. Will she one day just make a harsh decision and get married to some weirdo to only want to jump out of it in a couple of months. It would be interesting to see how her past actions will affect her future. Well like I face the consquences of my actions, I hope she does not suffer much for her poor choices and confusions. I hope the goodness in her comes out more.
11:30am now, 30 mins of entering the blog after the status meeting from 10 to 11am. Looks like the MOC is having funding issues and will know about that part of the project going ahead tomorrow.
back to work
Called up Sara in the afternoon from work and left a msg. Same time get a msg from her on FB. Again we end up playing phone tag. :)))
Her FB msg was so sweet. How glad she is for having met me. And encouraging me with many other things. So nice to feel appreciated and acknowleged. Its so different from the other selfish people I seem to meet and fall for. Why is life so confusing.
The training got cancelled for the 2nd day consecutively.
Kriss is going to drop off his family at NY airport tomorrow morning so ask him to start off by 4am , others tell him 5am, he was planning on 7am. Their flight is at 11am and international boarding starts about 45 mins in advance. Check in by atleast 9am. Given the peak hours of the morning traffic into Manhattan. And the traffic choke up in the capital city of the world. He does not seem to realize the in bound traffic.
Around 7pm reach home, try to relax and then see couple of text msgs from Sara about missed calls.
8:45 pm go for a run around pennbrook pkwy. As its almost sun set, there I get to see fireflies dancing around the lawns and the trees. Sweet nature, Don't remember seeing fireflies since I was a kid back home. That is a good sign. Just like the sign in the movie Avatar.
Return back after running about 2 kms. was sweating a lot as I was running after a very long time. Get out on to the balcony as it feels a bit cooler there. Get out my portable chair and sit out. Was thinking again of my life and how it had reached such a low point emotionally that I threw away all my self-respect and diginity trying to compromise with a person who was just lying to me and making me crawl and beg and treat me colder than any cheap creature. Why did I end up falling in love with someone who did not treat me right and continues to treat me worse than filth.
Suddenly I notice the leaves of the trees dancing to the music of the wind. The green leaves are brand new, as it just sprung out of the branches after the winter. And they seem to be happily celebrating their brief life.
I started thanking the god and the universe for the beautiful plants,
Thanked for the beautiful trees,
Thanked for the beautiful house I live in,
thanked for the good health that I have,
Thanked for the security of a well paying job.
Suddenly I noticed that my head that was kind of hanging down with shame and depression raised itself. Thankful for what I have made me unconsciously feel better about myself.
I looked up at the sky and
Thanked for the wide skies slowly revealing the beauty of the stars and the universe.
Why should I waste my time and energy trying to win the love of someone who is not thankful for my love and rather treated me and continues on the path of treating me worse and worse with every passing moment.
There are so many people who would love to be with me and appreciate me for so many things. I should focus on what I have and not let some one who does not appreciate a good thing in their life treat me and my sincere love as some shabby shit to be used and thrown away with cheap excuses. They don't deserve me or my love.
Talked with Chakri after seeing his comment on FB. He was really motivating and encouraging. Wanting me to go out and party like crazy and meet some hot chicks. As I was not motivated to go out for someone new into my life.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
New month Hope its a new better chapter
June-01-2010
Woke up late, after a late night of free salsa. Only a few girls were were there. Maybe they are all out for the long weekend. Most of the other girls were beginners and did not seem to know much about following.
checked mail to find eva had a more pleasent mail. Ended up exchanging a few mails with her. And in the process also realising one other factor for our frustarations was our lack of our acknowledging that nature and the universe is very much powerful and we are just puppets.
This lack of control to achieve our dreams and desires led to a lot of undercurrent behavior. And soon one thing led to another and instead of becoming an expression love and exploration of our love, we ended up making each others life miserable as possible.
what ever the subsequent actions led to, is all the pain and torture we had to go thru. And that of our parents.
Even thou I was very much in favour of working it out, her sudden break ups and flare of anger made it even more hurtful.
Her life I guess offered her a series of temptations. And it was just a matter of time before she succumbed to one of them. Not really realising that it was just an temporary out let she got. I still think that she is making a huge mistake with rishit. He is younger than her and just another rich kid who never really experienced the down side of life. Or just another player who got lucky with her.
If only she would have hooked up with Amit, who probably would have been a better match.
Or did she in all the confusion of the cultural shock, The severe heat. Just loose control of her strong character that I admired and succumed to the temptations and became a "bad" girl as she put it. and now her guilty consicious is troubling her everytime I remind her of the sincere and pure hearted person filled with naievity that she was. And that guilty consicious is making her more and more angry at me.
Even I was tempted in a few instances, but I guess I had a little more of circumstance and presence of mind to not let it slip more and was able to stop myself and stay focused because of my love for her.
Even thou the urge to just go and have physical connection with who ever I was connecting on a emotional level was over-whelming. I am glad that I did not fall for those short term rebound relationships.
It does not matter who did what, or who went in a direction that was good or bad. What ever it is and was required for us to find our true self.
what ever, it is, I still wish we could get back together as a couple and try to work it out between us. There is nothing we cannot talk with an open mind and not work out. Life is full of all kinds of stuff, but it is for us to decide on falling for the short term temptations or not. That defines our character and forms the foundations for our children to grow and build on. What kind of a role model would we be if we ourselfs are just character less and going around from one relationship to another like dogs.
It does not matter, what now. I just wish we can atleast be good friends and be able to communicate as two good individuals who I am very sure are very wonderful and have good basic foundations. And if again the same circumstances that brought us together thinks its time for us to become a couple we will, if not, circumstance and universe will take us in our own world of what ever it is that we are destined to be.
Got to work late around 9:30am and no one seems to care. I am not sure about this kind of easy life. I am used to been busy and working to make things happen.
the stock market seems to be doing its own, with the world economy and the oil spill in the south east of US. Natural and man made calamities that is destroying parts of the world.
Now its about 12:35 pm, need to go to the post office and buy stamps and send out the already late Utility bill and send the check that I got for speeding.
Got stamps from the post office and pôsted the letter.
Got home and the room temp is like 84 deg F. That is just about 29 deg C and it feels so hot. Oh god thanks for saving me from the Indian heat of 40 deg C plus.
Heated up the tamarind rice from the temple and then ate the bannana I got as prasadam from the temple.
1:35 making the next entry.
Also remembered that I forgot my iPhone at home. got it .... and then had a loodo or ladu again from the temple. That is the desert ,, yumm. :)
Was thinking about Evas facebook getting blocked in her company, is that some kind of message to her from nature and the universe, after she blocked me off and preventing me from seeing whats on her facebook and communicating with her. That was really a cold move on her part.
2:30pm meeting for R19. boring with one girl who is client side Business person. I was hoping to sleep and she was trying to talk to me and get my attention and I felt cornered. Had to humor her.
Then got txt msg from Sara B about her bad day, and that one of the customers complained about her and the managers made her cry. Now she is planning on giving a case against the managers. Poor girl seem to be getting all the bad end of the life. Hope her bad times will soon disappear and good times will be back in her life. If only I was in Vancouver, I could have provided her with some kind of emotional support. Across the land and time zone it feels so hopeless.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Opening up my heart to Eva
Monday 31-2010
===****====******
Wake up in the morning a bit lazy and demotivated. Decide to ask Eva what is it that she is angry at me so much for.
Send her an email and the poetry I wrote for her.
Ended up opening my emotional feelings towards her and how I was feeling about her, which I always felt but did not know how best to express. I am not from a family or a cultural background where we are taught or trained to express love and feelings freely. We rather show that in action by taking care of our family and working hard to protect them from all kinds and to provied them with all the luxury stuff to make their life happy.
Even after coming to the US and a few relationships I feel difficult to open up as smoothly as most people easily do.
Anyways the words just came out of the deepest bottom of my heart. I ended up telling her that I am sorry for abruptly pushing my wishes on to her. All the insecurity of not been able to take care of her and other things seem to not matter at all now. The feelings that I will not able to take care of her and love her like someone else who may love her and provide for her much better than me have all now gone and I feel that now, no one else can love her the deep and sicerly and commited way I love her. And that is the reason I think I should not let you go thinking that someone else will love her more than me. It was just my earlier foolishness.
She sends me a reply saying that the poem is beautiful, that we are not a good team, and not good partner on both sides and does not want to keep in touch.
but its not going to change anything and asking me to concentrate on my life. And that she will be happy to know that I have married and set up a family with a nice women.
How come she thinks like this,,,, if we are not a good team we would not have even gone beyond the first meeting. We have had difficult situation like any other couple. And that helped us to learn and grow.
I knew right on the full moon day we sat outside her house and chatted into the early morning hrs. That she is the one I have always been wanting and that we are ment to be together. And the subsequent series of incidents only got us both together, there was a reason for that. It does not happen just like that. She thinks we are in different direction, nooo we are experiecning what we need to , to be able to appreciate each other and others life much better. It was just a matter of time before things got easier and the clouds passed and we could work it out.
Begged her to take a deeper look at all that happened, the special magical moments. and the feelings that was happening across the miles when one of is in trouble or not well. That is not something that happes to every one. Like every unique relationshps we also had our turbulant phase and I believe with my sincere heart we will be together again.
I seem to have everything now, but this everything does not mean anything without her. She is the most important aspect in my life. She was the one I was praying for my whole life even before I met her to live for the rest of my life. She is the only one I want to have a family with and no one can take her place.
With passing time the more I am convinced that no one can take her place as its is unique love and our destinies are interwind into each others.
then again sent her another mail. saying that our relationship is like a the meeting of two powerful rivers, And when they meet, there is turbulance, but with the distance traveled together with our destinies, we end up forming a more stronger bond till the end.
Maybe be she needs to pull back more and needs more time to undrestand and realise the power of things that happened to bring us together. Maybe she needs more experience before coming to a realization like I have. That our life and destines are joined together forever.
I feel no matter what our paths will meet, as we are part of the same mind, body and soul. If that seperates, it will be like seperating and spliting an atomic bond. Will probably result in some kind of natural disaster : (
Not sure if this is valid, maybe there is a reason the few people I was connecting with (Sara and Del) ended up having some kind of disaster happening their lives ever since I we started connecting. IT was nature asking them to stay away and not to come in between our love.
Again not sure if the guys she is connecting with are facing any kind of issues because of this. If they are, that is a great indication that we are supposed to join up as one Shiva-Parvathi... good god there was suddenly a thunder outside as soon as I started with the `S` in Shiva.
Well if that is destined, I can only wait patiently and hope that nature will also take care of getting us back together.
Or is it she who is facing the issues, as she must have crossed certain boundaries and had to suffer certain physical form of punishment as warning to her to not deviate from destinies true prescribed path.
I have crawled, begged and pleaded. Other than that I am not sure what else I can do at this time. For sure the trip to Zlin in August is a possibility. Another strong thunder. ITs supposed to be summer here.
Its almost 4:15pm and its raining heavily outside. Sun seems to be setting about 9pm these days.
6:02 pm just got back from a hour and half of walking . was talking with narayan all along and he was telling me about the issues he was having with his parents property in India issues with his brothers.
Looks like everyone seems to have some kind of issue, no matter how much we try to focus on Inner happiness, and imagining happy stuff, It seems to work for sometime and afterwards again its back to the reality. Whats the permanent solution.
===****====******
Wake up in the morning a bit lazy and demotivated. Decide to ask Eva what is it that she is angry at me so much for.
Send her an email and the poetry I wrote for her.
Ended up opening my emotional feelings towards her and how I was feeling about her, which I always felt but did not know how best to express. I am not from a family or a cultural background where we are taught or trained to express love and feelings freely. We rather show that in action by taking care of our family and working hard to protect them from all kinds and to provied them with all the luxury stuff to make their life happy.
Even after coming to the US and a few relationships I feel difficult to open up as smoothly as most people easily do.
Anyways the words just came out of the deepest bottom of my heart. I ended up telling her that I am sorry for abruptly pushing my wishes on to her. All the insecurity of not been able to take care of her and other things seem to not matter at all now. The feelings that I will not able to take care of her and love her like someone else who may love her and provide for her much better than me have all now gone and I feel that now, no one else can love her the deep and sicerly and commited way I love her. And that is the reason I think I should not let you go thinking that someone else will love her more than me. It was just my earlier foolishness.
She sends me a reply saying that the poem is beautiful, that we are not a good team, and not good partner on both sides and does not want to keep in touch.
but its not going to change anything and asking me to concentrate on my life. And that she will be happy to know that I have married and set up a family with a nice women.
How come she thinks like this,,,, if we are not a good team we would not have even gone beyond the first meeting. We have had difficult situation like any other couple. And that helped us to learn and grow.
I knew right on the full moon day we sat outside her house and chatted into the early morning hrs. That she is the one I have always been wanting and that we are ment to be together. And the subsequent series of incidents only got us both together, there was a reason for that. It does not happen just like that. She thinks we are in different direction, nooo we are experiecning what we need to , to be able to appreciate each other and others life much better. It was just a matter of time before things got easier and the clouds passed and we could work it out.
Begged her to take a deeper look at all that happened, the special magical moments. and the feelings that was happening across the miles when one of is in trouble or not well. That is not something that happes to every one. Like every unique relationshps we also had our turbulant phase and I believe with my sincere heart we will be together again.
I seem to have everything now, but this everything does not mean anything without her. She is the most important aspect in my life. She was the one I was praying for my whole life even before I met her to live for the rest of my life. She is the only one I want to have a family with and no one can take her place.
With passing time the more I am convinced that no one can take her place as its is unique love and our destinies are interwind into each others.
then again sent her another mail. saying that our relationship is like a the meeting of two powerful rivers, And when they meet, there is turbulance, but with the distance traveled together with our destinies, we end up forming a more stronger bond till the end.
Maybe be she needs to pull back more and needs more time to undrestand and realise the power of things that happened to bring us together. Maybe she needs more experience before coming to a realization like I have. That our life and destines are joined together forever.
I feel no matter what our paths will meet, as we are part of the same mind, body and soul. If that seperates, it will be like seperating and spliting an atomic bond. Will probably result in some kind of natural disaster : (
Not sure if this is valid, maybe there is a reason the few people I was connecting with (Sara and Del) ended up having some kind of disaster happening their lives ever since I we started connecting. IT was nature asking them to stay away and not to come in between our love.
Again not sure if the guys she is connecting with are facing any kind of issues because of this. If they are, that is a great indication that we are supposed to join up as one Shiva-Parvathi... good god there was suddenly a thunder outside as soon as I started with the `S` in Shiva.
Well if that is destined, I can only wait patiently and hope that nature will also take care of getting us back together.
Or is it she who is facing the issues, as she must have crossed certain boundaries and had to suffer certain physical form of punishment as warning to her to not deviate from destinies true prescribed path.
I have crawled, begged and pleaded. Other than that I am not sure what else I can do at this time. For sure the trip to Zlin in August is a possibility. Another strong thunder. ITs supposed to be summer here.
Its almost 4:15pm and its raining heavily outside. Sun seems to be setting about 9pm these days.
6:02 pm just got back from a hour and half of walking . was talking with narayan all along and he was telling me about the issues he was having with his parents property in India issues with his brothers.
Looks like everyone seems to have some kind of issue, no matter how much we try to focus on Inner happiness, and imagining happy stuff, It seems to work for sometime and afterwards again its back to the reality. Whats the permanent solution.
Return from Pittsburg
Sunday may-30-2010
We get up in the morning clean up and go to the lobby to have break fast. It was packed like in the hotel at Zion on my trip with Eva , the hotel with the pool. One of my fav nights when Eva was so calm even with the TV on. I felt I would have married her that day if things permitted.
We start off with the intention of stopping and praying again at the Venkateshwara temple as its on the way.
Reach there by around 10am and go to pray and Narayan again pays for special darshan.
We get out by 11 and I take the wheels of his new Honda CRV. Was feeling really sick to the stomach and upset at the way things were with Eva and me, Wish that we could atleast maintain to be friends as she seems to so hate me, why , why and why is the question that is bothering me. When I was so sincere and dedicated to our relationship, did not cheat on her . When I felt guilty even to be dancing with another girl. I was so dedicated to her and to my love for her and only wanted our love to grow and not wither away.
The drive goes okay, and we stop on the way at a rest place to have the lunch of tamarind rice we brought yesterday at the temple.
I manage to make a call to my home and talk with mom. As there is severe thunder and lightening, Mom is hesitating to talk for long. Tell her about my life been troubled and tortured. Don't tell her the details, just tell her about how I was feeling inside and how things were not happening to me the way I want to happen. She did not seem much interested in talking as there was too much of lightening and thunder and was afraid of talking. So we hang up,
After having lunch and cleaning up the table we start off towards Philadelphia.
I think I was so troubled I was thinking and of late was feeling very suicidal, and driving like a crazy guy,.
Got pulled over for over-speeding by a cop and was give a ticket for 169.5 dollars. Wow, what a pleasant surprise. Atleast we did not end up dying or injured cause of some accident. and I guess it was not time for me to die
So that is a sign, its not yet time for me to give up and its time to live and to fight for another day.
I hand over the driving to Naryan and he and his wife and viki are trying to cheer me up. We reach my house in Lansdale by evening. Show them around my house and narayan was interested in seeing my silver Honda CRV of 1997 to compare it with his brand new 2011 model.
After having a light snack and fruit juices, we go towards Philadelphia downtown to see Penns landing and drive around the famous landmark that was instrumental in the formation of United States of America, The Independence hall ,the independence Bell was narayans favorite want to see and photo.
Then drive to Penns landing by the river, lucky get parking , after going down get to know that most of it is closed. We end up going back, I drop them off at the independence bell and wait in the car.
They come back after sometime and we get back to Lansdale around 9pm. Just in time to get into Sultan restaurant for dinner. Have chicken biriyani which is not really cooked in the way Biriyani is supposed to be cooked, its cooked more like in the Punjabi style restaurant of mixing basmathi rice with some chicken curry gravy with some raisens added. But loved the garlic nann. That goes into my will have again list.
Get back to my apartment around 10:30pm and they take off towards New Jersey. Tried to get them to spend time in my apartment and go home the next morning. Looked like narayan had some major things to settle and viki had some shopping to do in New Jersey next day morning. Just go in and drop off to bed.
We get up in the morning clean up and go to the lobby to have break fast. It was packed like in the hotel at Zion on my trip with Eva , the hotel with the pool. One of my fav nights when Eva was so calm even with the TV on. I felt I would have married her that day if things permitted.
We start off with the intention of stopping and praying again at the Venkateshwara temple as its on the way.
Reach there by around 10am and go to pray and Narayan again pays for special darshan.
We get out by 11 and I take the wheels of his new Honda CRV. Was feeling really sick to the stomach and upset at the way things were with Eva and me, Wish that we could atleast maintain to be friends as she seems to so hate me, why , why and why is the question that is bothering me. When I was so sincere and dedicated to our relationship, did not cheat on her . When I felt guilty even to be dancing with another girl. I was so dedicated to her and to my love for her and only wanted our love to grow and not wither away.
The drive goes okay, and we stop on the way at a rest place to have the lunch of tamarind rice we brought yesterday at the temple.
I manage to make a call to my home and talk with mom. As there is severe thunder and lightening, Mom is hesitating to talk for long. Tell her about my life been troubled and tortured. Don't tell her the details, just tell her about how I was feeling inside and how things were not happening to me the way I want to happen. She did not seem much interested in talking as there was too much of lightening and thunder and was afraid of talking. So we hang up,
After having lunch and cleaning up the table we start off towards Philadelphia.
I think I was so troubled I was thinking and of late was feeling very suicidal, and driving like a crazy guy,.
Got pulled over for over-speeding by a cop and was give a ticket for 169.5 dollars. Wow, what a pleasant surprise. Atleast we did not end up dying or injured cause of some accident. and I guess it was not time for me to die
So that is a sign, its not yet time for me to give up and its time to live and to fight for another day.
I hand over the driving to Naryan and he and his wife and viki are trying to cheer me up. We reach my house in Lansdale by evening. Show them around my house and narayan was interested in seeing my silver Honda CRV of 1997 to compare it with his brand new 2011 model.
After having a light snack and fruit juices, we go towards Philadelphia downtown to see Penns landing and drive around the famous landmark that was instrumental in the formation of United States of America, The Independence hall ,the independence Bell was narayans favorite want to see and photo.
Then drive to Penns landing by the river, lucky get parking , after going down get to know that most of it is closed. We end up going back, I drop them off at the independence bell and wait in the car.
They come back after sometime and we get back to Lansdale around 9pm. Just in time to get into Sultan restaurant for dinner. Have chicken biriyani which is not really cooked in the way Biriyani is supposed to be cooked, its cooked more like in the Punjabi style restaurant of mixing basmathi rice with some chicken curry gravy with some raisens added. But loved the garlic nann. That goes into my will have again list.
Get back to my apartment around 10:30pm and they take off towards New Jersey. Tried to get them to spend time in my apartment and go home the next morning. Looked like narayan had some major things to settle and viki had some shopping to do in New Jersey next day morning. Just go in and drop off to bed.
Trip to Pittsburgh, Venkateshwara temple, sai temple and JAIN Temple
Saturday May 29 2010
Wake uo early 6am , it’s a very good time management and adjustment between 5 people to get ready for the Pittsburg trip.
In between check the net. To find a msg from Sara. Poor Had suggested chakri as friend to her and she had not accepted him as she said she did not know him.. Told her that he was the guy who introduced us. Guess she does not remember him from that night.
girl seems to be suffering constantly and fighting against the odds of nature and was apologizing for not been in touch. Then explaining the reasons related to work and how she has to deal with rude customers especially today. She got it really bad with all the series of bad conditons that were happening to her.
First her dad dies about Christmas, then she gets into an accident with a car when she was riding to work on her bike. And then having to go to a remote Italian village to meet up with all her dads family and was constantly reminded of him and his memories. And now she is living with her mom, going to school and working all at the same time. Not been able to do her favourite acitivty of running daily and running the marathons.
I wish I could something for her and my worries and sadness seems to be nothing compared to her natural calamities.
Send her a reply with positive motivating words, need to call her sometime after the trip.
Then saw the mail from Eva, again she sounded so angry and seems to hate me for some reason. If only the reasons were valid and I could understand them. All I ever did was to act in her best interests and always with her happiness in mind. Only thing I did with amit was to open my heart in a time of weakness to him. Something I wanted to do to her if she was open to listening to me. But now she has built up this wall and after repeating the imaginary thing about me spreading bad things about her to all her friends she seems to believe that I have just gone around the world to tarnish her life and image.
I was feeling uncomfortable because we were going to talk after a long time and I was kind of excited and was not sure what to talk and what to say. Just wanted us to talk as casual friends, talk about life, philosophy, pshycology, salsa, belly dancing, hiking, or anything that would make her smile and laugh and keep her happy.
Did not have time to reply to her, but could just feel the intensity of her words==>>>I am not going to invite you to Czech Republic. I am not going to move to the US.
So did she get the Green Card at all? No reply to that. IF she had got the green card, it’s a greater indication of nature granting us even more conditions and signals that we are ment to be together. If only she stopped behaving like a teenager and thought about things in a sound and reasoning way. And not just run away with her emotions. Emotions that seem to cause more confusion than any solution.
Sent her a msg back in reply from the iPhone during the drive to Pittsburg. Explaining that when I said uncomfortable, I ment that I was feeling uncertain about how and what we will talk. And I was not hoping about resolving any issue, that is a very far and distant thing. First I just want us to over come this tension of even starting a conversation.
Anyways we start off around 8:30 am. In Narayans car , take the 80 most of the way. The landscape seems to different from the ones on the west coast, narayan had a good collection of Indian songs which did bring up the mood for sometime.
Stopped maybe once on the way to fill up gas. Then at a mac donalds to have coffee and I had a apple pie, was suddenly reminded of the trip with Eva and her parents to US. One of the girls working at the mac was behaving kind of rude when I told her we were just deciding on the order. So did not go to her to order. Just too scared to deal with angry people.
We reach Pittsburgh around afternoon 3pm. Check into the Days inn. The hotel had a indoor swimming pool and regretted not getting my shorts for going swimming. Pittsburgh reminded me also of Vancouver cause of the river going in between the city.
After a shower and a bit of meditation trying to clear my mind of the sad state of my relationship with eva. We start of towards the Venkateshwara, temple of Pittsburgh, supposed to be run by the same group that takes care of the temple in Tirupathi. As ananya has her induction ceremony to the world of letters, words and education. First we have to stand in line to get in as there is a huge crowd that’s come from all over US for the long weekend. No wonder we could not get the rooms to hotels close to the temple. First have darshan in the tirupathi style. People stand in line one after another and get into the deeper temple area near to the gods statue and the priests give us prasadam , banana, holy water and blesses us with the golden crown.
After the darshan, we get the poojari (priest) to come and have the special ceremony for ananya . She behaves like a good girl and the ceremony is successfully over with the priest blessing her in flowing words of compliments.
: )
Then we go down to the temple cafeteria, where any item is by donation of $2. Have about 16 items packed so that I can eat them at home in Philly after I return. Mostly Tamrind rice and curd rice. And a couple of packets of sweet ladoo. Tirupathi ladoo is the most famous of all ladoos.
After eating the stuff we get to see a gods idol been taken into the temple after it was taken around in a golden chariot. They had some more Prasad. Some stuff made of lentil and sweet potato. Spicey and tasted good too.
Around 7 we decide to go to another temple for Sai Baba. My first visit to a Sai baba temple ever in my life, it’s a couple of miles away and on top of another hill. Seems like all the temples are constructed on top of the hills in Pittsburgh.
Was just in time there for the sunset arthi and prasadam. Again banana, holy water with milk and blessing with silver crown.
Then narayan has another brilliant idea of going to the Jain temple. Again just a couple of miles and we get to see the most magnificent temple I have ever seen in North America. Its majestic and awesome all seem to be in red lime stone or something like that. Its named HINDU JAIN TEMPLE, since when did Jains and hindus get combined. Is not Jainism something similar to Buddhism. There was the statue of Mahivir the founder of Jainism, then there was also the statues of Krishna, laxmi-narayan , Surprise, We were the only people there and the poojari was kind to do pooja for us and gives the holy water, some raisins and cashew.
After taking a few more pics we return back to the hotel, tired as hell. Viki was watch TV and I did not have any interest in watching TV, neither did I fee any kind of anger or irritation because viki was watching TV.
Viki and me shared the single double bed. end up pushing viki off from me, a couple of time during the night.
Got to call up home tomorrow morning and if possible call up Eva.
Wake uo early 6am , it’s a very good time management and adjustment between 5 people to get ready for the Pittsburg trip.
In between check the net. To find a msg from Sara. Poor Had suggested chakri as friend to her and she had not accepted him as she said she did not know him.. Told her that he was the guy who introduced us. Guess she does not remember him from that night.
girl seems to be suffering constantly and fighting against the odds of nature and was apologizing for not been in touch. Then explaining the reasons related to work and how she has to deal with rude customers especially today. She got it really bad with all the series of bad conditons that were happening to her.
First her dad dies about Christmas, then she gets into an accident with a car when she was riding to work on her bike. And then having to go to a remote Italian village to meet up with all her dads family and was constantly reminded of him and his memories. And now she is living with her mom, going to school and working all at the same time. Not been able to do her favourite acitivty of running daily and running the marathons.
I wish I could something for her and my worries and sadness seems to be nothing compared to her natural calamities.
Send her a reply with positive motivating words, need to call her sometime after the trip.
Then saw the mail from Eva, again she sounded so angry and seems to hate me for some reason. If only the reasons were valid and I could understand them. All I ever did was to act in her best interests and always with her happiness in mind. Only thing I did with amit was to open my heart in a time of weakness to him. Something I wanted to do to her if she was open to listening to me. But now she has built up this wall and after repeating the imaginary thing about me spreading bad things about her to all her friends she seems to believe that I have just gone around the world to tarnish her life and image.
I was feeling uncomfortable because we were going to talk after a long time and I was kind of excited and was not sure what to talk and what to say. Just wanted us to talk as casual friends, talk about life, philosophy, pshycology, salsa, belly dancing, hiking, or anything that would make her smile and laugh and keep her happy.
Did not have time to reply to her, but could just feel the intensity of her words==>>>I am not going to invite you to Czech Republic. I am not going to move to the US.
So did she get the Green Card at all? No reply to that. IF she had got the green card, it’s a greater indication of nature granting us even more conditions and signals that we are ment to be together. If only she stopped behaving like a teenager and thought about things in a sound and reasoning way. And not just run away with her emotions. Emotions that seem to cause more confusion than any solution.
Sent her a msg back in reply from the iPhone during the drive to Pittsburg. Explaining that when I said uncomfortable, I ment that I was feeling uncertain about how and what we will talk. And I was not hoping about resolving any issue, that is a very far and distant thing. First I just want us to over come this tension of even starting a conversation.
Anyways we start off around 8:30 am. In Narayans car , take the 80 most of the way. The landscape seems to different from the ones on the west coast, narayan had a good collection of Indian songs which did bring up the mood for sometime.
Stopped maybe once on the way to fill up gas. Then at a mac donalds to have coffee and I had a apple pie, was suddenly reminded of the trip with Eva and her parents to US. One of the girls working at the mac was behaving kind of rude when I told her we were just deciding on the order. So did not go to her to order. Just too scared to deal with angry people.
We reach Pittsburgh around afternoon 3pm. Check into the Days inn. The hotel had a indoor swimming pool and regretted not getting my shorts for going swimming. Pittsburgh reminded me also of Vancouver cause of the river going in between the city.
After a shower and a bit of meditation trying to clear my mind of the sad state of my relationship with eva. We start of towards the Venkateshwara, temple of Pittsburgh, supposed to be run by the same group that takes care of the temple in Tirupathi. As ananya has her induction ceremony to the world of letters, words and education. First we have to stand in line to get in as there is a huge crowd that’s come from all over US for the long weekend. No wonder we could not get the rooms to hotels close to the temple. First have darshan in the tirupathi style. People stand in line one after another and get into the deeper temple area near to the gods statue and the priests give us prasadam , banana, holy water and blesses us with the golden crown.
After the darshan, we get the poojari (priest) to come and have the special ceremony for ananya . She behaves like a good girl and the ceremony is successfully over with the priest blessing her in flowing words of compliments.
: )
Then we go down to the temple cafeteria, where any item is by donation of $2. Have about 16 items packed so that I can eat them at home in Philly after I return. Mostly Tamrind rice and curd rice. And a couple of packets of sweet ladoo. Tirupathi ladoo is the most famous of all ladoos.
After eating the stuff we get to see a gods idol been taken into the temple after it was taken around in a golden chariot. They had some more Prasad. Some stuff made of lentil and sweet potato. Spicey and tasted good too.
Around 7 we decide to go to another temple for Sai Baba. My first visit to a Sai baba temple ever in my life, it’s a couple of miles away and on top of another hill. Seems like all the temples are constructed on top of the hills in Pittsburgh.
Was just in time there for the sunset arthi and prasadam. Again banana, holy water with milk and blessing with silver crown.
Then narayan has another brilliant idea of going to the Jain temple. Again just a couple of miles and we get to see the most magnificent temple I have ever seen in North America. Its majestic and awesome all seem to be in red lime stone or something like that. Its named HINDU JAIN TEMPLE, since when did Jains and hindus get combined. Is not Jainism something similar to Buddhism. There was the statue of Mahivir the founder of Jainism, then there was also the statues of Krishna, laxmi-narayan , Surprise, We were the only people there and the poojari was kind to do pooja for us and gives the holy water, some raisins and cashew.
After taking a few more pics we return back to the hotel, tired as hell. Viki was watch TV and I did not have any interest in watching TV, neither did I fee any kind of anger or irritation because viki was watching TV.
Viki and me shared the single double bed. end up pushing viki off from me, a couple of time during the night.
Got to call up home tomorrow morning and if possible call up Eva.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Hangover from yesterday night
Friday, May 28, 2010
**********************
up early and attended the conf call at 7am.
Day to pay off the bills.
Got mail from Eva. I understand her dilema and not able to see what my point is.
But I still feel that I don`t want to regret latter in life that I did not try as much as possible. I really wish she would be able to look at things in a an un biased way and see the full picture and not be blinded by prejudiced ideas and opinions. I really do love her and think that there is some kind of phenomenal connection between us. Something remarkable that no one else can have.
And wish that she can come and stay with me in kerala to experience a whole different world so different from her life in Gujarat.
If she just goes on a trip to kerala like a tourist, she will surely miss out of all the deeper experience that I so very much want to share with her.
off to work and hope to make a call to her soon.
At work , looks like all the guys are still at home recovering from yesterday nights party. Indian or Indians from the north are not that strong at drinking I guess. Its a whole different for the Malus drinking. And especially for people from my community. :)
Saw the mail from Eva about not wanting to go to US. Did she get the Green Card lottery? and now she does not want to go.
Hope that she is just not been Egoistic or
Hope that she is just not behaving like a person not able to think properly and hope she does not behave and think like a person not bothered about her future.
Its great to experience India, but hope she does not screw up her life chasing a illusion and getting carried away by the excitment of the sudden cultural experience and been treated like a queeen by people who are more impressed by the color of her skin than the depth of her personalty.
Atleast I am doing my best to try to put my EGO to the side, looking at the larger pic and reconcile and make amends and wanting sincerly to try and become partners again.
Lots of things have happened. some very hurting, more because of the way we both thought and felt about things. And all the stress of our life and its uncertainities.
There is nothing that can reverse that, but we can easily work at taking it as a great learning experience and making the future better. And I am sure with improved conditions and maturity we could easily work it out and make our life like lovely spring time again.
Guys here are talking about all kinds of trips to Niagra and other places for the long weekend. hmm already saw all the places about 7 to 8 years ago. no longer hold the thrill.
12 go home and try to call her. which is around 10 pm her time. But the she does not pic up. Get a retrun missed call with a single ring when in wash room. get back and make the call, she says she cannot hear. And there was lot of noise where ever she was. I could clearly hear her.
Tell her will call latter, not sure she heard me.
Send her a message saying will try to call her latter in the week end, she still has that sweet motherly, okaayyy, okaaaayy , hehehe. How can I not fall in love with her forever.
Had to return back to work.
Met Mat sitting outside and smoking, he seemed to have issues with a system failing and producing multiple, confirmation responses emails.
Got call from Narayan wanting to go to Pittsburg with the family to the Ventateshwara Temple there.
Was trying to book the hotel via internet and was only getting smoking rooms. Not sure if I want to be in one that smells. The last hotel stay with Eva in Seattle was in a smoke stinking room.
Paid the Canadian dues for the Credit Cards. And the Phone bill for ATandT.
Viki comes in around 7 pm and i take the wheels of the care and drive like crazy to reach by 8:30 to narayans house. wow felt like I was a nass car driver, was thinking of Miraslov and his accident, kind of feel I don`t care about anything any more and hope its nor sucidal because of my frustartion of my own. And feel as thou my life is not worth anything because Eva is not in my life.... how could I fall so deeply and blindly in love with someone ...
**********************
up early and attended the conf call at 7am.
Day to pay off the bills.
Got mail from Eva. I understand her dilema and not able to see what my point is.
But I still feel that I don`t want to regret latter in life that I did not try as much as possible. I really wish she would be able to look at things in a an un biased way and see the full picture and not be blinded by prejudiced ideas and opinions. I really do love her and think that there is some kind of phenomenal connection between us. Something remarkable that no one else can have.
And wish that she can come and stay with me in kerala to experience a whole different world so different from her life in Gujarat.
If she just goes on a trip to kerala like a tourist, she will surely miss out of all the deeper experience that I so very much want to share with her.
off to work and hope to make a call to her soon.
At work , looks like all the guys are still at home recovering from yesterday nights party. Indian or Indians from the north are not that strong at drinking I guess. Its a whole different for the Malus drinking. And especially for people from my community. :)
Saw the mail from Eva about not wanting to go to US. Did she get the Green Card lottery? and now she does not want to go.
Hope that she is just not been Egoistic or
Hope that she is just not behaving like a person not able to think properly and hope she does not behave and think like a person not bothered about her future.
Its great to experience India, but hope she does not screw up her life chasing a illusion and getting carried away by the excitment of the sudden cultural experience and been treated like a queeen by people who are more impressed by the color of her skin than the depth of her personalty.
Atleast I am doing my best to try to put my EGO to the side, looking at the larger pic and reconcile and make amends and wanting sincerly to try and become partners again.
Lots of things have happened. some very hurting, more because of the way we both thought and felt about things. And all the stress of our life and its uncertainities.
There is nothing that can reverse that, but we can easily work at taking it as a great learning experience and making the future better. And I am sure with improved conditions and maturity we could easily work it out and make our life like lovely spring time again.
Guys here are talking about all kinds of trips to Niagra and other places for the long weekend. hmm already saw all the places about 7 to 8 years ago. no longer hold the thrill.
12 go home and try to call her. which is around 10 pm her time. But the she does not pic up. Get a retrun missed call with a single ring when in wash room. get back and make the call, she says she cannot hear. And there was lot of noise where ever she was. I could clearly hear her.
Tell her will call latter, not sure she heard me.
Send her a message saying will try to call her latter in the week end, she still has that sweet motherly, okaayyy, okaaaayy , hehehe. How can I not fall in love with her forever.
Had to return back to work.
Met Mat sitting outside and smoking, he seemed to have issues with a system failing and producing multiple, confirmation responses emails.
Got call from Narayan wanting to go to Pittsburg with the family to the Ventateshwara Temple there.
Was trying to book the hotel via internet and was only getting smoking rooms. Not sure if I want to be in one that smells. The last hotel stay with Eva in Seattle was in a smoke stinking room.
Paid the Canadian dues for the Credit Cards. And the Phone bill for ATandT.
Viki comes in around 7 pm and i take the wheels of the care and drive like crazy to reach by 8:30 to narayans house. wow felt like I was a nass car driver, was thinking of Miraslov and his accident, kind of feel I don`t care about anything any more and hope its nor sucidal because of my frustartion of my own. And feel as thou my life is not worth anything because Eva is not in my life.... how could I fall so deeply and blindly in love with someone ...
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