Monday 31-2010
===****====******
Wake up in the morning a bit lazy and demotivated. Decide to ask Eva what is it that she is angry at me so much for.
Send her an email and the poetry I wrote for her.
Ended up opening my emotional feelings towards her and how I was feeling about her, which I always felt but did not know how best to express. I am not from a family or a cultural background where we are taught or trained to express love and feelings freely. We rather show that in action by taking care of our family and working hard to protect them from all kinds and to provied them with all the luxury stuff to make their life happy.
Even after coming to the US and a few relationships I feel difficult to open up as smoothly as most people easily do.
Anyways the words just came out of the deepest bottom of my heart. I ended up telling her that I am sorry for abruptly pushing my wishes on to her. All the insecurity of not been able to take care of her and other things seem to not matter at all now. The feelings that I will not able to take care of her and love her like someone else who may love her and provide for her much better than me have all now gone and I feel that now, no one else can love her the deep and sicerly and commited way I love her. And that is the reason I think I should not let you go thinking that someone else will love her more than me. It was just my earlier foolishness.
She sends me a reply saying that the poem is beautiful, that we are not a good team, and not good partner on both sides and does not want to keep in touch.
but its not going to change anything and asking me to concentrate on my life. And that she will be happy to know that I have married and set up a family with a nice women.
How come she thinks like this,,,, if we are not a good team we would not have even gone beyond the first meeting. We have had difficult situation like any other couple. And that helped us to learn and grow.
I knew right on the full moon day we sat outside her house and chatted into the early morning hrs. That she is the one I have always been wanting and that we are ment to be together. And the subsequent series of incidents only got us both together, there was a reason for that. It does not happen just like that. She thinks we are in different direction, nooo we are experiecning what we need to , to be able to appreciate each other and others life much better. It was just a matter of time before things got easier and the clouds passed and we could work it out.
Begged her to take a deeper look at all that happened, the special magical moments. and the feelings that was happening across the miles when one of is in trouble or not well. That is not something that happes to every one. Like every unique relationshps we also had our turbulant phase and I believe with my sincere heart we will be together again.
I seem to have everything now, but this everything does not mean anything without her. She is the most important aspect in my life. She was the one I was praying for my whole life even before I met her to live for the rest of my life. She is the only one I want to have a family with and no one can take her place.
With passing time the more I am convinced that no one can take her place as its is unique love and our destinies are interwind into each others.
then again sent her another mail. saying that our relationship is like a the meeting of two powerful rivers, And when they meet, there is turbulance, but with the distance traveled together with our destinies, we end up forming a more stronger bond till the end.
Maybe be she needs to pull back more and needs more time to undrestand and realise the power of things that happened to bring us together. Maybe she needs more experience before coming to a realization like I have. That our life and destines are joined together forever.
I feel no matter what our paths will meet, as we are part of the same mind, body and soul. If that seperates, it will be like seperating and spliting an atomic bond. Will probably result in some kind of natural disaster : (
Not sure if this is valid, maybe there is a reason the few people I was connecting with (Sara and Del) ended up having some kind of disaster happening their lives ever since I we started connecting. IT was nature asking them to stay away and not to come in between our love.
Again not sure if the guys she is connecting with are facing any kind of issues because of this. If they are, that is a great indication that we are supposed to join up as one Shiva-Parvathi... good god there was suddenly a thunder outside as soon as I started with the `S` in Shiva.
Well if that is destined, I can only wait patiently and hope that nature will also take care of getting us back together.
Or is it she who is facing the issues, as she must have crossed certain boundaries and had to suffer certain physical form of punishment as warning to her to not deviate from destinies true prescribed path.
I have crawled, begged and pleaded. Other than that I am not sure what else I can do at this time. For sure the trip to Zlin in August is a possibility. Another strong thunder. ITs supposed to be summer here.
Its almost 4:15pm and its raining heavily outside. Sun seems to be setting about 9pm these days.
6:02 pm just got back from a hour and half of walking . was talking with narayan all along and he was telling me about the issues he was having with his parents property in India issues with his brothers.
Looks like everyone seems to have some kind of issue, no matter how much we try to focus on Inner happiness, and imagining happy stuff, It seems to work for sometime and afterwards again its back to the reality. Whats the permanent solution.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Return from Pittsburg
Sunday may-30-2010
We get up in the morning clean up and go to the lobby to have break fast. It was packed like in the hotel at Zion on my trip with Eva , the hotel with the pool. One of my fav nights when Eva was so calm even with the TV on. I felt I would have married her that day if things permitted.
We start off with the intention of stopping and praying again at the Venkateshwara temple as its on the way.
Reach there by around 10am and go to pray and Narayan again pays for special darshan.
We get out by 11 and I take the wheels of his new Honda CRV. Was feeling really sick to the stomach and upset at the way things were with Eva and me, Wish that we could atleast maintain to be friends as she seems to so hate me, why , why and why is the question that is bothering me. When I was so sincere and dedicated to our relationship, did not cheat on her . When I felt guilty even to be dancing with another girl. I was so dedicated to her and to my love for her and only wanted our love to grow and not wither away.
The drive goes okay, and we stop on the way at a rest place to have the lunch of tamarind rice we brought yesterday at the temple.
I manage to make a call to my home and talk with mom. As there is severe thunder and lightening, Mom is hesitating to talk for long. Tell her about my life been troubled and tortured. Don't tell her the details, just tell her about how I was feeling inside and how things were not happening to me the way I want to happen. She did not seem much interested in talking as there was too much of lightening and thunder and was afraid of talking. So we hang up,
After having lunch and cleaning up the table we start off towards Philadelphia.
I think I was so troubled I was thinking and of late was feeling very suicidal, and driving like a crazy guy,.
Got pulled over for over-speeding by a cop and was give a ticket for 169.5 dollars. Wow, what a pleasant surprise. Atleast we did not end up dying or injured cause of some accident. and I guess it was not time for me to die
So that is a sign, its not yet time for me to give up and its time to live and to fight for another day.
I hand over the driving to Naryan and he and his wife and viki are trying to cheer me up. We reach my house in Lansdale by evening. Show them around my house and narayan was interested in seeing my silver Honda CRV of 1997 to compare it with his brand new 2011 model.
After having a light snack and fruit juices, we go towards Philadelphia downtown to see Penns landing and drive around the famous landmark that was instrumental in the formation of United States of America, The Independence hall ,the independence Bell was narayans favorite want to see and photo.
Then drive to Penns landing by the river, lucky get parking , after going down get to know that most of it is closed. We end up going back, I drop them off at the independence bell and wait in the car.
They come back after sometime and we get back to Lansdale around 9pm. Just in time to get into Sultan restaurant for dinner. Have chicken biriyani which is not really cooked in the way Biriyani is supposed to be cooked, its cooked more like in the Punjabi style restaurant of mixing basmathi rice with some chicken curry gravy with some raisens added. But loved the garlic nann. That goes into my will have again list.
Get back to my apartment around 10:30pm and they take off towards New Jersey. Tried to get them to spend time in my apartment and go home the next morning. Looked like narayan had some major things to settle and viki had some shopping to do in New Jersey next day morning. Just go in and drop off to bed.
We get up in the morning clean up and go to the lobby to have break fast. It was packed like in the hotel at Zion on my trip with Eva , the hotel with the pool. One of my fav nights when Eva was so calm even with the TV on. I felt I would have married her that day if things permitted.
We start off with the intention of stopping and praying again at the Venkateshwara temple as its on the way.
Reach there by around 10am and go to pray and Narayan again pays for special darshan.
We get out by 11 and I take the wheels of his new Honda CRV. Was feeling really sick to the stomach and upset at the way things were with Eva and me, Wish that we could atleast maintain to be friends as she seems to so hate me, why , why and why is the question that is bothering me. When I was so sincere and dedicated to our relationship, did not cheat on her . When I felt guilty even to be dancing with another girl. I was so dedicated to her and to my love for her and only wanted our love to grow and not wither away.
The drive goes okay, and we stop on the way at a rest place to have the lunch of tamarind rice we brought yesterday at the temple.
I manage to make a call to my home and talk with mom. As there is severe thunder and lightening, Mom is hesitating to talk for long. Tell her about my life been troubled and tortured. Don't tell her the details, just tell her about how I was feeling inside and how things were not happening to me the way I want to happen. She did not seem much interested in talking as there was too much of lightening and thunder and was afraid of talking. So we hang up,
After having lunch and cleaning up the table we start off towards Philadelphia.
I think I was so troubled I was thinking and of late was feeling very suicidal, and driving like a crazy guy,.
Got pulled over for over-speeding by a cop and was give a ticket for 169.5 dollars. Wow, what a pleasant surprise. Atleast we did not end up dying or injured cause of some accident. and I guess it was not time for me to die
So that is a sign, its not yet time for me to give up and its time to live and to fight for another day.
I hand over the driving to Naryan and he and his wife and viki are trying to cheer me up. We reach my house in Lansdale by evening. Show them around my house and narayan was interested in seeing my silver Honda CRV of 1997 to compare it with his brand new 2011 model.
After having a light snack and fruit juices, we go towards Philadelphia downtown to see Penns landing and drive around the famous landmark that was instrumental in the formation of United States of America, The Independence hall ,the independence Bell was narayans favorite want to see and photo.
Then drive to Penns landing by the river, lucky get parking , after going down get to know that most of it is closed. We end up going back, I drop them off at the independence bell and wait in the car.
They come back after sometime and we get back to Lansdale around 9pm. Just in time to get into Sultan restaurant for dinner. Have chicken biriyani which is not really cooked in the way Biriyani is supposed to be cooked, its cooked more like in the Punjabi style restaurant of mixing basmathi rice with some chicken curry gravy with some raisens added. But loved the garlic nann. That goes into my will have again list.
Get back to my apartment around 10:30pm and they take off towards New Jersey. Tried to get them to spend time in my apartment and go home the next morning. Looked like narayan had some major things to settle and viki had some shopping to do in New Jersey next day morning. Just go in and drop off to bed.
Trip to Pittsburgh, Venkateshwara temple, sai temple and JAIN Temple
Saturday May 29 2010
Wake uo early 6am , it’s a very good time management and adjustment between 5 people to get ready for the Pittsburg trip.
In between check the net. To find a msg from Sara. Poor Had suggested chakri as friend to her and she had not accepted him as she said she did not know him.. Told her that he was the guy who introduced us. Guess she does not remember him from that night.
girl seems to be suffering constantly and fighting against the odds of nature and was apologizing for not been in touch. Then explaining the reasons related to work and how she has to deal with rude customers especially today. She got it really bad with all the series of bad conditons that were happening to her.
First her dad dies about Christmas, then she gets into an accident with a car when she was riding to work on her bike. And then having to go to a remote Italian village to meet up with all her dads family and was constantly reminded of him and his memories. And now she is living with her mom, going to school and working all at the same time. Not been able to do her favourite acitivty of running daily and running the marathons.
I wish I could something for her and my worries and sadness seems to be nothing compared to her natural calamities.
Send her a reply with positive motivating words, need to call her sometime after the trip.
Then saw the mail from Eva, again she sounded so angry and seems to hate me for some reason. If only the reasons were valid and I could understand them. All I ever did was to act in her best interests and always with her happiness in mind. Only thing I did with amit was to open my heart in a time of weakness to him. Something I wanted to do to her if she was open to listening to me. But now she has built up this wall and after repeating the imaginary thing about me spreading bad things about her to all her friends she seems to believe that I have just gone around the world to tarnish her life and image.
I was feeling uncomfortable because we were going to talk after a long time and I was kind of excited and was not sure what to talk and what to say. Just wanted us to talk as casual friends, talk about life, philosophy, pshycology, salsa, belly dancing, hiking, or anything that would make her smile and laugh and keep her happy.
Did not have time to reply to her, but could just feel the intensity of her words==>>>I am not going to invite you to Czech Republic. I am not going to move to the US.
So did she get the Green Card at all? No reply to that. IF she had got the green card, it’s a greater indication of nature granting us even more conditions and signals that we are ment to be together. If only she stopped behaving like a teenager and thought about things in a sound and reasoning way. And not just run away with her emotions. Emotions that seem to cause more confusion than any solution.
Sent her a msg back in reply from the iPhone during the drive to Pittsburg. Explaining that when I said uncomfortable, I ment that I was feeling uncertain about how and what we will talk. And I was not hoping about resolving any issue, that is a very far and distant thing. First I just want us to over come this tension of even starting a conversation.
Anyways we start off around 8:30 am. In Narayans car , take the 80 most of the way. The landscape seems to different from the ones on the west coast, narayan had a good collection of Indian songs which did bring up the mood for sometime.
Stopped maybe once on the way to fill up gas. Then at a mac donalds to have coffee and I had a apple pie, was suddenly reminded of the trip with Eva and her parents to US. One of the girls working at the mac was behaving kind of rude when I told her we were just deciding on the order. So did not go to her to order. Just too scared to deal with angry people.
We reach Pittsburgh around afternoon 3pm. Check into the Days inn. The hotel had a indoor swimming pool and regretted not getting my shorts for going swimming. Pittsburgh reminded me also of Vancouver cause of the river going in between the city.
After a shower and a bit of meditation trying to clear my mind of the sad state of my relationship with eva. We start of towards the Venkateshwara, temple of Pittsburgh, supposed to be run by the same group that takes care of the temple in Tirupathi. As ananya has her induction ceremony to the world of letters, words and education. First we have to stand in line to get in as there is a huge crowd that’s come from all over US for the long weekend. No wonder we could not get the rooms to hotels close to the temple. First have darshan in the tirupathi style. People stand in line one after another and get into the deeper temple area near to the gods statue and the priests give us prasadam , banana, holy water and blesses us with the golden crown.
After the darshan, we get the poojari (priest) to come and have the special ceremony for ananya . She behaves like a good girl and the ceremony is successfully over with the priest blessing her in flowing words of compliments.
: )
Then we go down to the temple cafeteria, where any item is by donation of $2. Have about 16 items packed so that I can eat them at home in Philly after I return. Mostly Tamrind rice and curd rice. And a couple of packets of sweet ladoo. Tirupathi ladoo is the most famous of all ladoos.
After eating the stuff we get to see a gods idol been taken into the temple after it was taken around in a golden chariot. They had some more Prasad. Some stuff made of lentil and sweet potato. Spicey and tasted good too.
Around 7 we decide to go to another temple for Sai Baba. My first visit to a Sai baba temple ever in my life, it’s a couple of miles away and on top of another hill. Seems like all the temples are constructed on top of the hills in Pittsburgh.
Was just in time there for the sunset arthi and prasadam. Again banana, holy water with milk and blessing with silver crown.
Then narayan has another brilliant idea of going to the Jain temple. Again just a couple of miles and we get to see the most magnificent temple I have ever seen in North America. Its majestic and awesome all seem to be in red lime stone or something like that. Its named HINDU JAIN TEMPLE, since when did Jains and hindus get combined. Is not Jainism something similar to Buddhism. There was the statue of Mahivir the founder of Jainism, then there was also the statues of Krishna, laxmi-narayan , Surprise, We were the only people there and the poojari was kind to do pooja for us and gives the holy water, some raisins and cashew.
After taking a few more pics we return back to the hotel, tired as hell. Viki was watch TV and I did not have any interest in watching TV, neither did I fee any kind of anger or irritation because viki was watching TV.
Viki and me shared the single double bed. end up pushing viki off from me, a couple of time during the night.
Got to call up home tomorrow morning and if possible call up Eva.
Wake uo early 6am , it’s a very good time management and adjustment between 5 people to get ready for the Pittsburg trip.
In between check the net. To find a msg from Sara. Poor Had suggested chakri as friend to her and she had not accepted him as she said she did not know him.. Told her that he was the guy who introduced us. Guess she does not remember him from that night.
girl seems to be suffering constantly and fighting against the odds of nature and was apologizing for not been in touch. Then explaining the reasons related to work and how she has to deal with rude customers especially today. She got it really bad with all the series of bad conditons that were happening to her.
First her dad dies about Christmas, then she gets into an accident with a car when she was riding to work on her bike. And then having to go to a remote Italian village to meet up with all her dads family and was constantly reminded of him and his memories. And now she is living with her mom, going to school and working all at the same time. Not been able to do her favourite acitivty of running daily and running the marathons.
I wish I could something for her and my worries and sadness seems to be nothing compared to her natural calamities.
Send her a reply with positive motivating words, need to call her sometime after the trip.
Then saw the mail from Eva, again she sounded so angry and seems to hate me for some reason. If only the reasons were valid and I could understand them. All I ever did was to act in her best interests and always with her happiness in mind. Only thing I did with amit was to open my heart in a time of weakness to him. Something I wanted to do to her if she was open to listening to me. But now she has built up this wall and after repeating the imaginary thing about me spreading bad things about her to all her friends she seems to believe that I have just gone around the world to tarnish her life and image.
I was feeling uncomfortable because we were going to talk after a long time and I was kind of excited and was not sure what to talk and what to say. Just wanted us to talk as casual friends, talk about life, philosophy, pshycology, salsa, belly dancing, hiking, or anything that would make her smile and laugh and keep her happy.
Did not have time to reply to her, but could just feel the intensity of her words==>>>I am not going to invite you to Czech Republic. I am not going to move to the US.
So did she get the Green Card at all? No reply to that. IF she had got the green card, it’s a greater indication of nature granting us even more conditions and signals that we are ment to be together. If only she stopped behaving like a teenager and thought about things in a sound and reasoning way. And not just run away with her emotions. Emotions that seem to cause more confusion than any solution.
Sent her a msg back in reply from the iPhone during the drive to Pittsburg. Explaining that when I said uncomfortable, I ment that I was feeling uncertain about how and what we will talk. And I was not hoping about resolving any issue, that is a very far and distant thing. First I just want us to over come this tension of even starting a conversation.
Anyways we start off around 8:30 am. In Narayans car , take the 80 most of the way. The landscape seems to different from the ones on the west coast, narayan had a good collection of Indian songs which did bring up the mood for sometime.
Stopped maybe once on the way to fill up gas. Then at a mac donalds to have coffee and I had a apple pie, was suddenly reminded of the trip with Eva and her parents to US. One of the girls working at the mac was behaving kind of rude when I told her we were just deciding on the order. So did not go to her to order. Just too scared to deal with angry people.
We reach Pittsburgh around afternoon 3pm. Check into the Days inn. The hotel had a indoor swimming pool and regretted not getting my shorts for going swimming. Pittsburgh reminded me also of Vancouver cause of the river going in between the city.
After a shower and a bit of meditation trying to clear my mind of the sad state of my relationship with eva. We start of towards the Venkateshwara, temple of Pittsburgh, supposed to be run by the same group that takes care of the temple in Tirupathi. As ananya has her induction ceremony to the world of letters, words and education. First we have to stand in line to get in as there is a huge crowd that’s come from all over US for the long weekend. No wonder we could not get the rooms to hotels close to the temple. First have darshan in the tirupathi style. People stand in line one after another and get into the deeper temple area near to the gods statue and the priests give us prasadam , banana, holy water and blesses us with the golden crown.
After the darshan, we get the poojari (priest) to come and have the special ceremony for ananya . She behaves like a good girl and the ceremony is successfully over with the priest blessing her in flowing words of compliments.
: )
Then we go down to the temple cafeteria, where any item is by donation of $2. Have about 16 items packed so that I can eat them at home in Philly after I return. Mostly Tamrind rice and curd rice. And a couple of packets of sweet ladoo. Tirupathi ladoo is the most famous of all ladoos.
After eating the stuff we get to see a gods idol been taken into the temple after it was taken around in a golden chariot. They had some more Prasad. Some stuff made of lentil and sweet potato. Spicey and tasted good too.
Around 7 we decide to go to another temple for Sai Baba. My first visit to a Sai baba temple ever in my life, it’s a couple of miles away and on top of another hill. Seems like all the temples are constructed on top of the hills in Pittsburgh.
Was just in time there for the sunset arthi and prasadam. Again banana, holy water with milk and blessing with silver crown.
Then narayan has another brilliant idea of going to the Jain temple. Again just a couple of miles and we get to see the most magnificent temple I have ever seen in North America. Its majestic and awesome all seem to be in red lime stone or something like that. Its named HINDU JAIN TEMPLE, since when did Jains and hindus get combined. Is not Jainism something similar to Buddhism. There was the statue of Mahivir the founder of Jainism, then there was also the statues of Krishna, laxmi-narayan , Surprise, We were the only people there and the poojari was kind to do pooja for us and gives the holy water, some raisins and cashew.
After taking a few more pics we return back to the hotel, tired as hell. Viki was watch TV and I did not have any interest in watching TV, neither did I fee any kind of anger or irritation because viki was watching TV.
Viki and me shared the single double bed. end up pushing viki off from me, a couple of time during the night.
Got to call up home tomorrow morning and if possible call up Eva.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Hangover from yesterday night
Friday, May 28, 2010
**********************
up early and attended the conf call at 7am.
Day to pay off the bills.
Got mail from Eva. I understand her dilema and not able to see what my point is.
But I still feel that I don`t want to regret latter in life that I did not try as much as possible. I really wish she would be able to look at things in a an un biased way and see the full picture and not be blinded by prejudiced ideas and opinions. I really do love her and think that there is some kind of phenomenal connection between us. Something remarkable that no one else can have.
And wish that she can come and stay with me in kerala to experience a whole different world so different from her life in Gujarat.
If she just goes on a trip to kerala like a tourist, she will surely miss out of all the deeper experience that I so very much want to share with her.
off to work and hope to make a call to her soon.
At work , looks like all the guys are still at home recovering from yesterday nights party. Indian or Indians from the north are not that strong at drinking I guess. Its a whole different for the Malus drinking. And especially for people from my community. :)
Saw the mail from Eva about not wanting to go to US. Did she get the Green Card lottery? and now she does not want to go.
Hope that she is just not been Egoistic or
Hope that she is just not behaving like a person not able to think properly and hope she does not behave and think like a person not bothered about her future.
Its great to experience India, but hope she does not screw up her life chasing a illusion and getting carried away by the excitment of the sudden cultural experience and been treated like a queeen by people who are more impressed by the color of her skin than the depth of her personalty.
Atleast I am doing my best to try to put my EGO to the side, looking at the larger pic and reconcile and make amends and wanting sincerly to try and become partners again.
Lots of things have happened. some very hurting, more because of the way we both thought and felt about things. And all the stress of our life and its uncertainities.
There is nothing that can reverse that, but we can easily work at taking it as a great learning experience and making the future better. And I am sure with improved conditions and maturity we could easily work it out and make our life like lovely spring time again.
Guys here are talking about all kinds of trips to Niagra and other places for the long weekend. hmm already saw all the places about 7 to 8 years ago. no longer hold the thrill.
12 go home and try to call her. which is around 10 pm her time. But the she does not pic up. Get a retrun missed call with a single ring when in wash room. get back and make the call, she says she cannot hear. And there was lot of noise where ever she was. I could clearly hear her.
Tell her will call latter, not sure she heard me.
Send her a message saying will try to call her latter in the week end, she still has that sweet motherly, okaayyy, okaaaayy , hehehe. How can I not fall in love with her forever.
Had to return back to work.
Met Mat sitting outside and smoking, he seemed to have issues with a system failing and producing multiple, confirmation responses emails.
Got call from Narayan wanting to go to Pittsburg with the family to the Ventateshwara Temple there.
Was trying to book the hotel via internet and was only getting smoking rooms. Not sure if I want to be in one that smells. The last hotel stay with Eva in Seattle was in a smoke stinking room.
Paid the Canadian dues for the Credit Cards. And the Phone bill for ATandT.
Viki comes in around 7 pm and i take the wheels of the care and drive like crazy to reach by 8:30 to narayans house. wow felt like I was a nass car driver, was thinking of Miraslov and his accident, kind of feel I don`t care about anything any more and hope its nor sucidal because of my frustartion of my own. And feel as thou my life is not worth anything because Eva is not in my life.... how could I fall so deeply and blindly in love with someone ...
**********************
up early and attended the conf call at 7am.
Day to pay off the bills.
Got mail from Eva. I understand her dilema and not able to see what my point is.
But I still feel that I don`t want to regret latter in life that I did not try as much as possible. I really wish she would be able to look at things in a an un biased way and see the full picture and not be blinded by prejudiced ideas and opinions. I really do love her and think that there is some kind of phenomenal connection between us. Something remarkable that no one else can have.
And wish that she can come and stay with me in kerala to experience a whole different world so different from her life in Gujarat.
If she just goes on a trip to kerala like a tourist, she will surely miss out of all the deeper experience that I so very much want to share with her.
off to work and hope to make a call to her soon.
At work , looks like all the guys are still at home recovering from yesterday nights party. Indian or Indians from the north are not that strong at drinking I guess. Its a whole different for the Malus drinking. And especially for people from my community. :)
Saw the mail from Eva about not wanting to go to US. Did she get the Green Card lottery? and now she does not want to go.
Hope that she is just not been Egoistic or
Hope that she is just not behaving like a person not able to think properly and hope she does not behave and think like a person not bothered about her future.
Its great to experience India, but hope she does not screw up her life chasing a illusion and getting carried away by the excitment of the sudden cultural experience and been treated like a queeen by people who are more impressed by the color of her skin than the depth of her personalty.
Atleast I am doing my best to try to put my EGO to the side, looking at the larger pic and reconcile and make amends and wanting sincerly to try and become partners again.
Lots of things have happened. some very hurting, more because of the way we both thought and felt about things. And all the stress of our life and its uncertainities.
There is nothing that can reverse that, but we can easily work at taking it as a great learning experience and making the future better. And I am sure with improved conditions and maturity we could easily work it out and make our life like lovely spring time again.
Guys here are talking about all kinds of trips to Niagra and other places for the long weekend. hmm already saw all the places about 7 to 8 years ago. no longer hold the thrill.
12 go home and try to call her. which is around 10 pm her time. But the she does not pic up. Get a retrun missed call with a single ring when in wash room. get back and make the call, she says she cannot hear. And there was lot of noise where ever she was. I could clearly hear her.
Tell her will call latter, not sure she heard me.
Send her a message saying will try to call her latter in the week end, she still has that sweet motherly, okaayyy, okaaaayy , hehehe. How can I not fall in love with her forever.
Had to return back to work.
Met Mat sitting outside and smoking, he seemed to have issues with a system failing and producing multiple, confirmation responses emails.
Got call from Narayan wanting to go to Pittsburg with the family to the Ventateshwara Temple there.
Was trying to book the hotel via internet and was only getting smoking rooms. Not sure if I want to be in one that smells. The last hotel stay with Eva in Seattle was in a smoke stinking room.
Paid the Canadian dues for the Credit Cards. And the Phone bill for ATandT.
Viki comes in around 7 pm and i take the wheels of the care and drive like crazy to reach by 8:30 to narayans house. wow felt like I was a nass car driver, was thinking of Miraslov and his accident, kind of feel I don`t care about anything any more and hope its nor sucidal because of my frustartion of my own. And feel as thou my life is not worth anything because Eva is not in my life.... how could I fall so deeply and blindly in love with someone ...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Phenomenal connection
Thurs_day, May 27, 2010
****////****/////*****//////
Got up around 6: and went thru the motions of early morning process.
Decided to send a mail to Eva asking for reconcillation and hope to get back and try as a couple by living together.
Saw her blog, even she was feeling the same 2am her time was 4pm my time. She was feeling it across the ocean and world. the bad vibrations i was going thru.
somethings are unexplained and it is a sign of our connection and a symbol that thou we are far apart we are still connected and part of one body and soul.
Not sure what her mail will be, will she take time to think and process or will she just behave like an arrogant child and shoot it down, feeling the power. As i am the person who is letting my ego to one side and crawling on my knees to make our love bloosom into a wonderful flower of life.
It would be really a very sad day for me if she just rejects it coldly. IT would be very very hurtful to see all the emotion and dreams crushed for so many people, including our parents.
about 8:12 am now on the East coast , time to head off to work. And its a full moon day. Hope that there is a huge change in the stars for us in a positive direction.
Goto work around 9am. tough to find parking again parked at the 6th floor.
Got msg from Rao about he issue with the drivers license. Even he seems to be having problem with it. But of a different type than mine.
Saw her email reply on iPhone. not able to be sure what her state of mind is. Is she in denial of the connection. To me it is so evident, even at the start of our relationship.
And she seems to say that she feels like that on full moon. But the full moon is today in India not yesterday. I know she behaves moody on full moon days. And her friend also feeling bad. Well that could be another thing which only her friend knows better.
Sent her a reply from the iPhone not sure if it went thru.
To me it was just a question of waiting for time, for the bad phase of clouds to pass away and move into strength with the sunlight.
And there is no personal internet at work as they blocked it with fire wall.
:(
I really wish we could just talk things out like we always did and work it out like mature people and like every other couple who have issues with their relationship.
I still don't understand how she is accusing me of behaving bad by talking with Amit. If I wanted to do something bad, I would be doing something else and not talking with Amit, but doing bad to him too. But that is the opposite I was doing and did. How could she so mis understand me.
Yes i was feeling jealous that it is others there showing her the magic of India and not me. It was my dream and wish to be the one to be exploring the world of India with her as a life partner and also to explore Europe and the world.
there is always a motive behind any action, and that’s why in the legal system they have to establish motive before proving someone is guilty.
If that was my motive, Amit would not be the person I would have contacted to make her life horrible. Just one phone call from me would do that.
========== The mail I wanted to send her.............
I contacted Amit with the motive of seeing if there is a potential for our relationship to work out. And told him what my thoughts were and the things that happened And my opinion bout certain things and my stand on certain things. I specifically asked him to patiently listen to your side of the story when he was going to visit you the next week.
What he did after that surprised me. And I thought that he would and he also indicated that he would listen to your side of the detailed story and then try to find areas for correction.
But I think he out did himself and got emotionally carried away and directly asked you about your intentions. And the next day, he sent me a mail saying she must not have slept well. And even thou he screwed it up, he said he will also help correct it
"Don’t worry about the damage it has caused to your relationship with her. I will do the mending myself. I am pretty good at it and I back myself tremendously when it comes to healing up relationships"
That is his exact wording in the mail he send to me the next day. What happened after that level of connection between me and him I am not sure. As he stopped communicating too.
And I was even open to you both becoming a couple and imagining you been happy with someone who can fully take care of you and provide for you as a family. Do you think I would do that if I was feeling so possessive about you at that time and wanted revenge?. I would just have made a call made sure he would not. But I am not like that. And don't want to be like that or use things like that. That is the easy and despotic way of Hitler and Saddam.
================================
12:35 now had sent out an email to her to send her resume to me for possibly applying in Cognizant.
Going home to have food and make a second attempt if I can get the 2nd page of the letter from Social security.
Got the 2nd page of letter from Social security. Such a dis organised mess this name of mine is causing.
Get back to work by 4pm then 4:30 go for the meeting where there is no one.
need to get out at 6:30 for kannans sons birth day.
Got msg from kanana to help him pick up Indian food from Sultan restaurant. so off I go for the full moon night of partying and its Gautam Buddhas 2554th birth day too. Buddha purnima
7pm went to Sultan Restaurant and met with satwant the manager. Who is turning out to be a good friend of mine. As his parents are coming to Vancouver to his brothers house. And he is going there next week or the week after.
Anyway tell him about Kannan`s party order and then he tells me that he had told Kannan that its all cash deal. So I had to put back the credit card and luckily had $40 on me as the balance to pay. Have a good chat with Mr Satwant who wifes family owns the Restaurant. The foof here tastes much better than most of the Indian restaurants in Vancouver.
Around 7:30pm reach Kannans house and a few of the guys chip into help me unload all the food for about 30 people.
Well only about 6 guys among the 12 guys drink, so I became the official in charge of the drinks. It was the Johnny walker whisky that is so standard for all the Indian guys. And thou they had couple of bottles of Wine for the ladies, no one ventured to have it.
So very Indian, I am sure if Eva would have been here, she would have started it for all the ladies to have wine and lectured them about how great it is and tried to convert atleast a few.
But I was the only single guy and just only three other guys did not have kids. Felt odd to be among Indians who I work with for the frist time outside of India. And my first Indian kids birthday party outside of India, always heard stories about it and their social circle of Indian womens.
There was the typical cake cutting lots of pics been taken and as usual lots of food eaten.
At the end of the party the host gave each a gift in return. I had taken a gift of a automatic train that moves on rails for 3 year olds.
let me go check what gift I got back in return.
My gift is a drink flask and couple of chocolate bars and M& M packet. All given to be in a gift bag. Wow had I known this, I would have gotten a costlier gift. Now I feel I got back more than I gave and that makes me feel guilty.
Its about 11 pm and I am really buzzed with the 3 rounds of scotch whisky I had and thinking of the one and only Eva and how she would be feeling and imagining the look on her face. As she will be looking on and wondering how different these people live and how different she lives.
My sympathies will be with her as I think the same about all these parties by Indians in US trying to be more Indian in an American way.<<<<
Some of the kids there seemed so smart and so filled with potential. If the continue to live in US they will surely make a huge impact in the field they choose to be.
Well to be expected when hereditary wise they are the kids of some of the best brains in the world. Wonder how my kids will be.
****////****/////*****//////
Got up around 6: and went thru the motions of early morning process.
Decided to send a mail to Eva asking for reconcillation and hope to get back and try as a couple by living together.
Saw her blog, even she was feeling the same 2am her time was 4pm my time. She was feeling it across the ocean and world. the bad vibrations i was going thru.
somethings are unexplained and it is a sign of our connection and a symbol that thou we are far apart we are still connected and part of one body and soul.
Not sure what her mail will be, will she take time to think and process or will she just behave like an arrogant child and shoot it down, feeling the power. As i am the person who is letting my ego to one side and crawling on my knees to make our love bloosom into a wonderful flower of life.
It would be really a very sad day for me if she just rejects it coldly. IT would be very very hurtful to see all the emotion and dreams crushed for so many people, including our parents.
about 8:12 am now on the East coast , time to head off to work. And its a full moon day. Hope that there is a huge change in the stars for us in a positive direction.
Goto work around 9am. tough to find parking again parked at the 6th floor.
Got msg from Rao about he issue with the drivers license. Even he seems to be having problem with it. But of a different type than mine.
Saw her email reply on iPhone. not able to be sure what her state of mind is. Is she in denial of the connection. To me it is so evident, even at the start of our relationship.
And she seems to say that she feels like that on full moon. But the full moon is today in India not yesterday. I know she behaves moody on full moon days. And her friend also feeling bad. Well that could be another thing which only her friend knows better.
Sent her a reply from the iPhone not sure if it went thru.
To me it was just a question of waiting for time, for the bad phase of clouds to pass away and move into strength with the sunlight.
And there is no personal internet at work as they blocked it with fire wall.
:(
I really wish we could just talk things out like we always did and work it out like mature people and like every other couple who have issues with their relationship.
I still don't understand how she is accusing me of behaving bad by talking with Amit. If I wanted to do something bad, I would be doing something else and not talking with Amit, but doing bad to him too. But that is the opposite I was doing and did. How could she so mis understand me.
Yes i was feeling jealous that it is others there showing her the magic of India and not me. It was my dream and wish to be the one to be exploring the world of India with her as a life partner and also to explore Europe and the world.
there is always a motive behind any action, and that’s why in the legal system they have to establish motive before proving someone is guilty.
If that was my motive, Amit would not be the person I would have contacted to make her life horrible. Just one phone call from me would do that.
========== The mail I wanted to send her.............
I contacted Amit with the motive of seeing if there is a potential for our relationship to work out. And told him what my thoughts were and the things that happened And my opinion bout certain things and my stand on certain things. I specifically asked him to patiently listen to your side of the story when he was going to visit you the next week.
What he did after that surprised me. And I thought that he would and he also indicated that he would listen to your side of the detailed story and then try to find areas for correction.
But I think he out did himself and got emotionally carried away and directly asked you about your intentions. And the next day, he sent me a mail saying she must not have slept well. And even thou he screwed it up, he said he will also help correct it
"Don’t worry about the damage it has caused to your relationship with her. I will do the mending myself. I am pretty good at it and I back myself tremendously when it comes to healing up relationships"
That is his exact wording in the mail he send to me the next day. What happened after that level of connection between me and him I am not sure. As he stopped communicating too.
And I was even open to you both becoming a couple and imagining you been happy with someone who can fully take care of you and provide for you as a family. Do you think I would do that if I was feeling so possessive about you at that time and wanted revenge?. I would just have made a call made sure he would not. But I am not like that. And don't want to be like that or use things like that. That is the easy and despotic way of Hitler and Saddam.
================================
12:35 now had sent out an email to her to send her resume to me for possibly applying in Cognizant.
Going home to have food and make a second attempt if I can get the 2nd page of the letter from Social security.
Got the 2nd page of letter from Social security. Such a dis organised mess this name of mine is causing.
Get back to work by 4pm then 4:30 go for the meeting where there is no one.
need to get out at 6:30 for kannans sons birth day.
Got msg from kanana to help him pick up Indian food from Sultan restaurant. so off I go for the full moon night of partying and its Gautam Buddhas 2554th birth day too. Buddha purnima
7pm went to Sultan Restaurant and met with satwant the manager. Who is turning out to be a good friend of mine. As his parents are coming to Vancouver to his brothers house. And he is going there next week or the week after.
Anyway tell him about Kannan`s party order and then he tells me that he had told Kannan that its all cash deal. So I had to put back the credit card and luckily had $40 on me as the balance to pay. Have a good chat with Mr Satwant who wifes family owns the Restaurant. The foof here tastes much better than most of the Indian restaurants in Vancouver.
Around 7:30pm reach Kannans house and a few of the guys chip into help me unload all the food for about 30 people.
Well only about 6 guys among the 12 guys drink, so I became the official in charge of the drinks. It was the Johnny walker whisky that is so standard for all the Indian guys. And thou they had couple of bottles of Wine for the ladies, no one ventured to have it.
So very Indian, I am sure if Eva would have been here, she would have started it for all the ladies to have wine and lectured them about how great it is and tried to convert atleast a few.
But I was the only single guy and just only three other guys did not have kids. Felt odd to be among Indians who I work with for the frist time outside of India. And my first Indian kids birthday party outside of India, always heard stories about it and their social circle of Indian womens.
There was the typical cake cutting lots of pics been taken and as usual lots of food eaten.
At the end of the party the host gave each a gift in return. I had taken a gift of a automatic train that moves on rails for 3 year olds.
let me go check what gift I got back in return.
My gift is a drink flask and couple of chocolate bars and M& M packet. All given to be in a gift bag. Wow had I known this, I would have gotten a costlier gift. Now I feel I got back more than I gave and that makes me feel guilty.
Its about 11 pm and I am really buzzed with the 3 rounds of scotch whisky I had and thinking of the one and only Eva and how she would be feeling and imagining the look on her face. As she will be looking on and wondering how different these people live and how different she lives.
My sympathies will be with her as I think the same about all these parties by Indians in US trying to be more Indian in an American way.<<<<
Some of the kids there seemed so smart and so filled with potential. If the continue to live in US they will surely make a huge impact in the field they choose to be.
Well to be expected when hereditary wise they are the kids of some of the best brains in the world. Wonder how my kids will be.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Bills to pay.
Wednes_day, May 25, 2010
****////****/////*****//////
up around 6am, checking mails and trying to beat the time.
Need to pay up the bills and get things streamlined. Got to go to the Honda dealer and get quotes for the repair before sending claims to the moving company.
Beautiful day outside. Should I go out dancing tonite or no. It was excting last wednesday with the amount of compliments I got.
Now with no contact with Eva, I feel the urge to go out dancing, but still the guilty consicious of feeling as thou I am cheating on her. Well atleast I am not even asking the girls their name or number and not even asking them for second dance, only they are asking me.
It would have been so nice to have had Eva here, if only she was a bit patient and had belief in me and my ability to find a good job and then I would have felt confident to have got her here and provided for her like any good husband would do.
Just wished that she had the will and commitment to the relationship and not drifted off like a rudderless ship . Well it is with a great sense of feeling that we got both the families involved and just that she did not have it or she was also confused or frustrate or had other plans......
Don`t feel good to send her a mail. as she did not respond in any way to my previous.
I really really wish we could start fresh here in beautiful Lansdale by living together as a team. The trip did bring out the worst in us. Weird that we have our relationship backwards. Then she needs to have her mind open to it too. I think I did send her the mail mentioning that it would be nice to have her here and we could still use the national park pass before it expires.
May be I should plan a trip to Czech in July august, like she wanted and then come back here together. But such a trip would mean lots of pre-planning. And with the wall she seems to have put up. not sure if that is a possibility. If only she would open up communications.
7:45 ,,oo,,,,,oof to work.
The bigger question is has she learnt anything. Has living in india and been with Indian taught her anything at all?
I do see some changes of learning the art of acceptance and compromising. But to what extend has she been able to, given the demands (which are very valid) she made at her work. But most indians learn to let go and compromise and work around the issues.
She is right in standing up and putting her feet down on the basic requirements. But I am looking for the attitude of doing it without her getting angry, pushing for things to get done in a pleasent way. The way she behaves so sweetly when she really wants to. And not been the arrogant person who behaves like a dictator. If you don`t do it my way, I don`t care for you and what you do... that attitude only breeds more of that from others towards her.
Hope that she would atleast show me a sign or inclination to communicate with an email And then maybe I would be motivated to work on visiting Czeck and also asking her to come and live with me and see how we can work it out. With out the tensions and stress of travelling on a trip. I think we could have easily worked on our differences and reached amicable compromises had we not had the stress of long hrs of driving. Most issues need time to talk and digest and sink in to understand. And that I got to agree with her is only possible in the living room when both are in each others presence with the physical touch and emotional connection.
But with my own insecurities and doubts of been able to provide for her and not been able to guarantee a steady place to live in. It did not look like the right time then.
Now things have improved a bit. Feel a lot more confident about taking care of her and been responsible for our daily day to to day life.
But will she or will she not, or is she in love with someone else as I had seen the possibility of her doing it at the first available or is she still into Amit. I have no clue. How she seems to think its worthy enough to even rather fight with me than NOT keep kissing that guy Raymondo is a mystery, maybe she loves him more and thought that I am a person she can just take for granted and twist around as per her own needs and fantasies. And then drop at the first opportunity, like she did now.
But deep down I just think that its her own foolish girlish naivety of not knowing and understanding the priorities of life and relationship. The Sanctity of a relationship which I hold to a very high level and do not like it to be tarnished by any other entering or even getting close to having a chance at taking a shot at splitting us up.
Was she NOT on the same wave length of holding up the values I so cherish in a relationship? But that was an education her parents did not take time to induce into her like most other parents who had a steady relationship as an example.
10am Status meeting, told PM about the previous days meeting with Avaya and them just about starting off. Said will include me in the MOC meetings thats going to be set up.
2:00 head to DMV for 2nd attempt at license with the letter from Harrisburg validating my status in US .
After sitting there for an hour , that guy calls me. Then went thru my documents and after about a series of questions, validating my documents, lease, emplyoyee letter, towards the end he says, your SSN name does not match your drivers licence of Canada. Then I try to explain to him that when I first came to US in 2000 they did not have enough place to enter both my family name and hence I was asked to choose one, So I choose `v`.
Then in he went in to talk to his supervisor and came back saying that I need to go to the Social security dept and get my name in the Social Security changed.
Well here goes my series of obstruction to every work that I hope to get done. Which is not usually an issue for others. Its like some astrological curse on me and obstruction to all and everything that I try to do. No wonder Eva just gave up and ran away. Don`t blame her for not been able to put up with my screwed up life. It would have made her life miserable too.
Anyways with a little bit of hope thrown in, as he said that the social security office is about a few blocks. So drive over as soon as possible, make it into the door just as the security is closing the door. Was filling out the form when the lady calls me in and with my half completed form. she was sweet and heart warming enough to help me make the changes and fill out the form. She put the T in my last name and moved the Va into my first name along with V and then kept the middle name ku. So perfectly reflecting my full name as per the original Ind passport. She gave me a print out of the letter and said that the correct SSN will be coming to me after Immigration verification.
And gave me a letter to the same effect, which she said will be ok with the DMV.
She was so nice and sweet to me, she was like a great soothing sensation for all my troubles. I felt so grateful to her in the middle of all the harshness I am facing in my life, that I felt I would have asked her to marry me.
So I rush back by 4:15 to the DMV and sit out the last couple who were there. Then the guy calls me and when I showed him the letter he said, where is the second part. Grrrrrrr... ahhh again another hurdle. I Tell him she just gave me this part. But then it had the corrected name but not the SSN number.
Aaaaarrrrr for all the stressed up running around and all the issues with my name not matching the standard format of the US. And the short sightedness of the people who created the Social Security programs and the Canadian immigration programs.
What a mess it makes ones life.
Is it my fault to have my own name, keeping with the heritage and tradition of my family and its legacy?
With a head loaded with questions and no easy answer I return back.
The weather today is around 33 deg C. Sudden jump from the low 20s. Lots of people in mini skirts and very short pants.
Maybe I need a shot of sevovitza to calm my nerves. Have one shot and then a glass of Johnny walker with cold water.
Why is it that even for simple things, which usually is not a major issue with for anyone... that I end up having to go thru so many hurdles?????? why why???
And to top it off I am not seeing any movement in the side of Apex or satayam to pay me $4000 that they owe for work done in March. And I ended up spending from my pocket for my travel, hotel stay, and other expenses for the two weeks.
So sent them a threatening letter to go to the labour depart and complain about every one involved.
All these hurdles seem to pop up only in my life to cause more stress. Poor gal eva fell in love for the wrong guy ,,,,, lousy me. Is my life worth anything or is it just there to face trouble more and more. Not able to even visit my sweet parents for the past 4 years. They were even open to me marrying Eva thou it was not their preference, but what can a guy like me do who seems to be cursed at every step. Including been blocked on facebook by the only girl I am in love with madly. Blocked in such a way, now I don`t even know if she is alive or lost.... just for her updates on her blog.
How nice it would have been to have someone sweet enough to help me relax and be there to support me emotionally in my time of need. Would E have had it in her to be supporting or would she have just got angry and caused more issues and stress in my life. Atleast she escaped to India and is probably in love with someone who I hope will really be interested in marrying her and giving her a great life she so truly deserves.
Tomorrow its Kannans sons birth day and he has invited all to come over. It is an US - Indian way of using the kids birth day for all of them and their families to socialize and an opportunity to get drunk. Well it was funny I turned out to be the advisor to Kannan, who was going to keep the two bottles of red wine in the freezer. hehehe.. was wondering again what would be Evas reaction. Luckily he called me and got it out.
I think I will just go to wall mart and get a gift for his son.
arrrrr I just remember in between all this I forgot to have lunch and its 7:30. nice work . good job as eva says. :))))))
freaking life. I am tired of all the disappointments hitting me one after another. :((((
and hoping and wondering if all this uncertainty will every end.
****////****/////*****//////
up around 6am, checking mails and trying to beat the time.
Need to pay up the bills and get things streamlined. Got to go to the Honda dealer and get quotes for the repair before sending claims to the moving company.
Beautiful day outside. Should I go out dancing tonite or no. It was excting last wednesday with the amount of compliments I got.
Now with no contact with Eva, I feel the urge to go out dancing, but still the guilty consicious of feeling as thou I am cheating on her. Well atleast I am not even asking the girls their name or number and not even asking them for second dance, only they are asking me.
It would have been so nice to have had Eva here, if only she was a bit patient and had belief in me and my ability to find a good job and then I would have felt confident to have got her here and provided for her like any good husband would do.
Just wished that she had the will and commitment to the relationship and not drifted off like a rudderless ship . Well it is with a great sense of feeling that we got both the families involved and just that she did not have it or she was also confused or frustrate or had other plans......
Don`t feel good to send her a mail. as she did not respond in any way to my previous.
I really really wish we could start fresh here in beautiful Lansdale by living together as a team. The trip did bring out the worst in us. Weird that we have our relationship backwards. Then she needs to have her mind open to it too. I think I did send her the mail mentioning that it would be nice to have her here and we could still use the national park pass before it expires.
May be I should plan a trip to Czech in July august, like she wanted and then come back here together. But such a trip would mean lots of pre-planning. And with the wall she seems to have put up. not sure if that is a possibility. If only she would open up communications.
7:45 ,,oo,,,,,oof to work.
The bigger question is has she learnt anything. Has living in india and been with Indian taught her anything at all?
I do see some changes of learning the art of acceptance and compromising. But to what extend has she been able to, given the demands (which are very valid) she made at her work. But most indians learn to let go and compromise and work around the issues.
She is right in standing up and putting her feet down on the basic requirements. But I am looking for the attitude of doing it without her getting angry, pushing for things to get done in a pleasent way. The way she behaves so sweetly when she really wants to. And not been the arrogant person who behaves like a dictator. If you don`t do it my way, I don`t care for you and what you do... that attitude only breeds more of that from others towards her.
Hope that she would atleast show me a sign or inclination to communicate with an email And then maybe I would be motivated to work on visiting Czeck and also asking her to come and live with me and see how we can work it out. With out the tensions and stress of travelling on a trip. I think we could have easily worked on our differences and reached amicable compromises had we not had the stress of long hrs of driving. Most issues need time to talk and digest and sink in to understand. And that I got to agree with her is only possible in the living room when both are in each others presence with the physical touch and emotional connection.
But with my own insecurities and doubts of been able to provide for her and not been able to guarantee a steady place to live in. It did not look like the right time then.
Now things have improved a bit. Feel a lot more confident about taking care of her and been responsible for our daily day to to day life.
But will she or will she not, or is she in love with someone else as I had seen the possibility of her doing it at the first available or is she still into Amit. I have no clue. How she seems to think its worthy enough to even rather fight with me than NOT keep kissing that guy Raymondo is a mystery, maybe she loves him more and thought that I am a person she can just take for granted and twist around as per her own needs and fantasies. And then drop at the first opportunity, like she did now.
But deep down I just think that its her own foolish girlish naivety of not knowing and understanding the priorities of life and relationship. The Sanctity of a relationship which I hold to a very high level and do not like it to be tarnished by any other entering or even getting close to having a chance at taking a shot at splitting us up.
Was she NOT on the same wave length of holding up the values I so cherish in a relationship? But that was an education her parents did not take time to induce into her like most other parents who had a steady relationship as an example.
10am Status meeting, told PM about the previous days meeting with Avaya and them just about starting off. Said will include me in the MOC meetings thats going to be set up.
2:00 head to DMV for 2nd attempt at license with the letter from Harrisburg validating my status in US .
After sitting there for an hour , that guy calls me. Then went thru my documents and after about a series of questions, validating my documents, lease, emplyoyee letter, towards the end he says, your SSN name does not match your drivers licence of Canada. Then I try to explain to him that when I first came to US in 2000 they did not have enough place to enter both my family name and hence I was asked to choose one, So I choose `v`.
Then in he went in to talk to his supervisor and came back saying that I need to go to the Social security dept and get my name in the Social Security changed.
Well here goes my series of obstruction to every work that I hope to get done. Which is not usually an issue for others. Its like some astrological curse on me and obstruction to all and everything that I try to do. No wonder Eva just gave up and ran away. Don`t blame her for not been able to put up with my screwed up life. It would have made her life miserable too.
Anyways with a little bit of hope thrown in, as he said that the social security office is about a few blocks. So drive over as soon as possible, make it into the door just as the security is closing the door. Was filling out the form when the lady calls me in and with my half completed form. she was sweet and heart warming enough to help me make the changes and fill out the form. She put the T in my last name and moved the Va into my first name along with V and then kept the middle name ku. So perfectly reflecting my full name as per the original Ind passport. She gave me a print out of the letter and said that the correct SSN will be coming to me after Immigration verification.
And gave me a letter to the same effect, which she said will be ok with the DMV.
She was so nice and sweet to me, she was like a great soothing sensation for all my troubles. I felt so grateful to her in the middle of all the harshness I am facing in my life, that I felt I would have asked her to marry me.
So I rush back by 4:15 to the DMV and sit out the last couple who were there. Then the guy calls me and when I showed him the letter he said, where is the second part. Grrrrrrr... ahhh again another hurdle. I Tell him she just gave me this part. But then it had the corrected name but not the SSN number.
Aaaaarrrrr for all the stressed up running around and all the issues with my name not matching the standard format of the US. And the short sightedness of the people who created the Social Security programs and the Canadian immigration programs.
What a mess it makes ones life.
Is it my fault to have my own name, keeping with the heritage and tradition of my family and its legacy?
With a head loaded with questions and no easy answer I return back.
The weather today is around 33 deg C. Sudden jump from the low 20s. Lots of people in mini skirts and very short pants.
Maybe I need a shot of sevovitza to calm my nerves. Have one shot and then a glass of Johnny walker with cold water.
Why is it that even for simple things, which usually is not a major issue with for anyone... that I end up having to go thru so many hurdles?????? why why???
And to top it off I am not seeing any movement in the side of Apex or satayam to pay me $4000 that they owe for work done in March. And I ended up spending from my pocket for my travel, hotel stay, and other expenses for the two weeks.
So sent them a threatening letter to go to the labour depart and complain about every one involved.
All these hurdles seem to pop up only in my life to cause more stress. Poor gal eva fell in love for the wrong guy ,,,,, lousy me. Is my life worth anything or is it just there to face trouble more and more. Not able to even visit my sweet parents for the past 4 years. They were even open to me marrying Eva thou it was not their preference, but what can a guy like me do who seems to be cursed at every step. Including been blocked on facebook by the only girl I am in love with madly. Blocked in such a way, now I don`t even know if she is alive or lost.... just for her updates on her blog.
How nice it would have been to have someone sweet enough to help me relax and be there to support me emotionally in my time of need. Would E have had it in her to be supporting or would she have just got angry and caused more issues and stress in my life. Atleast she escaped to India and is probably in love with someone who I hope will really be interested in marrying her and giving her a great life she so truly deserves.
Tomorrow its Kannans sons birth day and he has invited all to come over. It is an US - Indian way of using the kids birth day for all of them and their families to socialize and an opportunity to get drunk. Well it was funny I turned out to be the advisor to Kannan, who was going to keep the two bottles of red wine in the freezer. hehehe.. was wondering again what would be Evas reaction. Luckily he called me and got it out.
I think I will just go to wall mart and get a gift for his son.
arrrrr I just remember in between all this I forgot to have lunch and its 7:30. nice work . good job as eva says. :))))))
freaking life. I am tired of all the disappointments hitting me one after another. :((((
and hoping and wondering if all this uncertainty will every end.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Happy day again
TU_day, May 25, 2010
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Woke up around 6am and was aiming for work at 7am, but as usualy now its 8:03 and I am only just ready to get out.
Made masala tea and put in container to take to work, then the salmon curry packed for lunch.
Saw the touching reply from Lubo and Martha. again felt like crying . ahhh so nice people.
just got on to the net to check imp mails and checked e`s blog and saw a reply. Felt happy to connect with her. She is the sweetest when she wants to be, and at that time I feel like conquering the world for her. I hope she always remains the sweet girl I fell madly in love with. Always happy.
Wish we could just get back together here in US, as its easier for her to come. Unlike in Canada, where I was not even sure of a job. And even my concern that I might end up in a place where she might not like turned out to be I am in a place she would love to be. with lots of nature and calmness. The city far away for the occasional salsa dancing.
yesterday I went out for some free salsa dancing, as usual the salsa crowd every where is cheap, they love free places to dance. More people turned out. Wished she was here to enjoy salsa than getting roasted and screwing up her health in the hottest city in India.
8:08 off to work.
Reached desk at 8:35, after struggling to find parking in the parking high raise building. Its surprising how many people turn up early with the hope to avoid traffic. And the indians working with me turn around 9:30am,, hehehe.
Saw that Evi had replied to another blog too. awww she is still the one I love. If only she loved me likewise.
Got to file the Claim for damage to my goods when it was been shipped to US. More concered about the damage to the car.
12:00 got the salmon curry rice from the car, heated it in the microwave and had a full stomach lunch.
Life seems to have changed in many ways, feel a bit more secure and also unsecure. Not sure what will happen, where the waves of future will take me.
Have stopped watching TV its been like more than 2 months now. did not even feel like watching TV when I was in Vancouver.
Eva will be proud to have brought about this change in me. As it goes with her thinking and life style.
Had meeting around 1 to 2pm with the middle ware team and was surprised to know that they have not yet decided on the design and approach for the MOC piece for the screen pop.
Well thats something we can start our work on soon.
Canada just had it long week end, this coming week end its going to be in the US. Other than going to NJ for narayans babys induction into the world of letters (education) ceremony at the temple on saturday. I have nothing planned out. Most of the guys are going around US to Niagra or New York or visiting some historic place, I don't seem to have much other than go out salsa dancing.
5pm training, got out around 7pm dropped off Raj at his house on the way.
wow that is like about 11 hrs at work. its now 7:20 and its bright outside.
Should I go for a run or do some light work out. I did some light work out in the morning.!!???.
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*
Woke up around 6am and was aiming for work at 7am, but as usualy now its 8:03 and I am only just ready to get out.
Made masala tea and put in container to take to work, then the salmon curry packed for lunch.
Saw the touching reply from Lubo and Martha. again felt like crying . ahhh so nice people.
just got on to the net to check imp mails and checked e`s blog and saw a reply. Felt happy to connect with her. She is the sweetest when she wants to be, and at that time I feel like conquering the world for her. I hope she always remains the sweet girl I fell madly in love with. Always happy.
Wish we could just get back together here in US, as its easier for her to come. Unlike in Canada, where I was not even sure of a job. And even my concern that I might end up in a place where she might not like turned out to be I am in a place she would love to be. with lots of nature and calmness. The city far away for the occasional salsa dancing.
yesterday I went out for some free salsa dancing, as usual the salsa crowd every where is cheap, they love free places to dance. More people turned out. Wished she was here to enjoy salsa than getting roasted and screwing up her health in the hottest city in India.
8:08 off to work.
Reached desk at 8:35, after struggling to find parking in the parking high raise building. Its surprising how many people turn up early with the hope to avoid traffic. And the indians working with me turn around 9:30am,, hehehe.
Saw that Evi had replied to another blog too. awww she is still the one I love. If only she loved me likewise.
Got to file the Claim for damage to my goods when it was been shipped to US. More concered about the damage to the car.
12:00 got the salmon curry rice from the car, heated it in the microwave and had a full stomach lunch.
Life seems to have changed in many ways, feel a bit more secure and also unsecure. Not sure what will happen, where the waves of future will take me.
Have stopped watching TV its been like more than 2 months now. did not even feel like watching TV when I was in Vancouver.
Eva will be proud to have brought about this change in me. As it goes with her thinking and life style.
Had meeting around 1 to 2pm with the middle ware team and was surprised to know that they have not yet decided on the design and approach for the MOC piece for the screen pop.
Well thats something we can start our work on soon.
Canada just had it long week end, this coming week end its going to be in the US. Other than going to NJ for narayans babys induction into the world of letters (education) ceremony at the temple on saturday. I have nothing planned out. Most of the guys are going around US to Niagra or New York or visiting some historic place, I don't seem to have much other than go out salsa dancing.
5pm training, got out around 7pm dropped off Raj at his house on the way.
wow that is like about 11 hrs at work. its now 7:20 and its bright outside.
Should I go for a run or do some light work out. I did some light work out in the morning.!!???.
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