Thuurssssday, May 20, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woke up 6:30 thought that I would be able to get to work early with my car. But it is happening the opposite way.
After late night of wild Salsa dancing and getting high of compliments. and scary getting lost aroud 3am in downtown philly with no gas in the car. Made it back and just dropped into my luxury bed. Thanks to the GPS on my iPhone.
Dragging myself to the wash and then to work. :)(
Reach work around 10am, no break fast , stomach grumbling, parking on the 6th floor of the parking building. my first time at work doing that.
meet tiwari on my way down. he is another person from my university but not my college.
Start with reply to the dumb mail from the manager in India. he replied with keywords about CTI to a question asking him for the current model and documentation I would need for doing the same for this client and using his own existing resources.
If he going to behave like a idiot then god help in getting the project from here.
11am back to priyas mail about the requirement they are looking for and trying to understand the wider scope and technicalities involved for the requirement.
People here are already planning about the long weekend on May31. some going to niagrah, some to New york. I just don't feel like going anywhere. Wish that E was here and then maybe I would have been motivated to plane something into the wilderness.
Narayan seems to be intersted in trying something. maybe will talk to him now.
11:45 went home driving for lunch/breakfast. That is very convinent. now I even save money not eating in the cafeteria. I should try to cook eary and then take it to work for lunch. instead of doing up and down trips.
tried to meditate and relax after having lunch that narayans wife and given us during the weekend and had herbal tea (which again reminds me of eva as i never used that before). She is still in me, with me and everywhere and in everything I seem to be doing.
Fell asleep mediating and woke up around 1:pm and reached work around 1:20pm.
heart is beating like crazy for lack of sleep.
4:30 meeting training and 7 back home sweet home.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Hopefully last day of shuttle
Wedding day Wednesday, May 19, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went to sleep early and kept waking up early. Atlast 8 hrs sleep. Don`t remember the last time I went to sleep like that.
Got to rush out already 6:30am. meetings, delivery of house hold , car.... will be a action filled day. maybe go out salsa dancing tonite. hehehe.. and make my presence in Philly. got to join up a group, that looked active on the internet atleast. With indian gal salsa dancing.. will be interesting to see that, As I hardly got to meet any Indian girl in Vancouver salsa.
Almost of week of not even able to see anything on Evas Facebook . After she deleted and blocked me for what ever reasons of Anger and resentment she seems to have built up. But that seems to be acting in a good way for me. Now thats less of her I will be thinking and been concerned about.
She did not even have the courtesy to reply to my mail asking her about the check from the Tax dept i sent to her address. And like a fool i sent it by registered post paying 14 dollars when I could have just mailed to her by regular.
Guess she just was trying to maintain a friendly attitude till she got her check and then decided, I have no further use of this guy, so lets cut him off from Facebook. Cool, thats another side of hers that I got to see.
Why do I always get the feeling that women just come to use men. And then when men do that, they are very bad. But every women thinks its her right to abuse men and then paint them as bad people when her wishes are not met.
Reminds me of the chat with guiermo, even he was saying women are strange like that, so use them before they use you.
Well who knew that just the Madhya-ma-ranju would cause this much pain and suffering. Even with ideal 9 out of 10 star compatibility. Maybe thats why we met and connected so well. almost perfect.
And maybe thats why mom said that the first 3 to 4 astrologers refused to compare our astrological charts.
But I was of the opinion that she would have it in her , the will to work and accomplishing. Like the way she climbed cypress with me. Or maybe she gave up, because she really loves someone else. Or maybe she is only motivated to climb and hike and not really capable of using that attitude in real life situations.
Atleast i tried and tried. And she made me crawl and I crawled by putting my ego aside.
That I think is the end. Atleast I have the satisfaction of having tried and lost and rather not have the guilty conscious of not having tried. It told me a lot about my own character of willing to work at making relationship work. Maybe its because of my Indian upbringing and attitude. That I found was true. Because on sunday I realised that most Indians are unconsciously trained by their parents. And the girls are constantly reminded to behave good to make good husbands and trained to behave and act in a way that makes them ideal wifes. And guys are trained to Not drink and smoke and to be faithful to their wifes and to work hard to provide for the family.
Something I guess Eva missed out as her parents were always away and her mom was hardly even there for her, when her period started. ahh I feel so much for her pain and lack of proper guidance from her mother during her crucial formative years. Guess its a great learning experience for me to learn what happens to kids when their parents are not there to give them guidance. And I am sure Eva will continue to the same to her kids. Which is something I would not want for our kids.
7:30 at the shuttle stop, get chatting with the guy from Philly, about work and other places and comparing Canada and US work and efficiency.
12:00 finish off with all the meetings and call up jeff, who seems to be already there at my apartment. Ask Murali for a ride and he gives me.
reach home and meet the driver from Winnipeg. Jeff. Very friendly man, who did all the carrying up of my stuff.
Only that they broke one of my lamps. yet to find my blender. only got to unpack a few essential boxes.
then around 2:30 go to get my car. noticed that the handle to open the hood is broken. Damaged. arrrgghhh. make a note of that and sign the docs.
So far everything seems to be in order.
3:30 help the driver go drop off the shuttle truck he came in and gave him a ride back from the shuttle rental to his trailer truck.
Went over to Mc donalds and had a burger for my lunch and my own way of celebrating the arrival of my lifes closest and dearest, now that I am single and no one else is closer and dearer to me than my own personal stuff. :). Sticking by me thru thick and thin.
4:00pm back to work with my CAR and parking. Saw george on his way out.
4:30 again training and
5:45 Raj asks me if I can going home. Told him that I can and then dropped him off at his apt.
6pm get home and start un-packing.. woooo.
put the bedsheets and pillow into the washer.. and then the dryer.. so convenient . Ahh to luxury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went to sleep early and kept waking up early. Atlast 8 hrs sleep. Don`t remember the last time I went to sleep like that.
Got to rush out already 6:30am. meetings, delivery of house hold , car.... will be a action filled day. maybe go out salsa dancing tonite. hehehe.. and make my presence in Philly. got to join up a group, that looked active on the internet atleast. With indian gal salsa dancing.. will be interesting to see that, As I hardly got to meet any Indian girl in Vancouver salsa.
Almost of week of not even able to see anything on Evas Facebook . After she deleted and blocked me for what ever reasons of Anger and resentment she seems to have built up. But that seems to be acting in a good way for me. Now thats less of her I will be thinking and been concerned about.
She did not even have the courtesy to reply to my mail asking her about the check from the Tax dept i sent to her address. And like a fool i sent it by registered post paying 14 dollars when I could have just mailed to her by regular.
Guess she just was trying to maintain a friendly attitude till she got her check and then decided, I have no further use of this guy, so lets cut him off from Facebook. Cool, thats another side of hers that I got to see.
Why do I always get the feeling that women just come to use men. And then when men do that, they are very bad. But every women thinks its her right to abuse men and then paint them as bad people when her wishes are not met.
Reminds me of the chat with guiermo, even he was saying women are strange like that, so use them before they use you.
Well who knew that just the Madhya-ma-ranju would cause this much pain and suffering. Even with ideal 9 out of 10 star compatibility. Maybe thats why we met and connected so well. almost perfect.
And maybe thats why mom said that the first 3 to 4 astrologers refused to compare our astrological charts.
But I was of the opinion that she would have it in her , the will to work and accomplishing. Like the way she climbed cypress with me. Or maybe she gave up, because she really loves someone else. Or maybe she is only motivated to climb and hike and not really capable of using that attitude in real life situations.
Atleast i tried and tried. And she made me crawl and I crawled by putting my ego aside.
That I think is the end. Atleast I have the satisfaction of having tried and lost and rather not have the guilty conscious of not having tried. It told me a lot about my own character of willing to work at making relationship work. Maybe its because of my Indian upbringing and attitude. That I found was true. Because on sunday I realised that most Indians are unconsciously trained by their parents. And the girls are constantly reminded to behave good to make good husbands and trained to behave and act in a way that makes them ideal wifes. And guys are trained to Not drink and smoke and to be faithful to their wifes and to work hard to provide for the family.
Something I guess Eva missed out as her parents were always away and her mom was hardly even there for her, when her period started. ahh I feel so much for her pain and lack of proper guidance from her mother during her crucial formative years. Guess its a great learning experience for me to learn what happens to kids when their parents are not there to give them guidance. And I am sure Eva will continue to the same to her kids. Which is something I would not want for our kids.
7:30 at the shuttle stop, get chatting with the guy from Philly, about work and other places and comparing Canada and US work and efficiency.
12:00 finish off with all the meetings and call up jeff, who seems to be already there at my apartment. Ask Murali for a ride and he gives me.
reach home and meet the driver from Winnipeg. Jeff. Very friendly man, who did all the carrying up of my stuff.
Only that they broke one of my lamps. yet to find my blender. only got to unpack a few essential boxes.
then around 2:30 go to get my car. noticed that the handle to open the hood is broken. Damaged. arrrgghhh. make a note of that and sign the docs.
So far everything seems to be in order.
3:30 help the driver go drop off the shuttle truck he came in and gave him a ride back from the shuttle rental to his trailer truck.
Went over to Mc donalds and had a burger for my lunch and my own way of celebrating the arrival of my lifes closest and dearest, now that I am single and no one else is closer and dearer to me than my own personal stuff. :). Sticking by me thru thick and thin.
4:00pm back to work with my CAR and parking. Saw george on his way out.
4:30 again training and
5:45 Raj asks me if I can going home. Told him that I can and then dropped him off at his apt.
6pm get home and start un-packing.. woooo.
put the bedsheets and pillow into the washer.. and then the dryer.. so convenient . Ahh to luxury.
9:30 start towards downtown Philly for some salsa. got lost again when entering highway 76 and went the wrong direction. used the GPS on the iphone to get back.
10:30 reach downtown philly almost on empty tank. have to find a place to fill up , but the first requirement is for finding a place to park. Luckily after 10pm its free parking.
get in with $5 cover. Enter to a fully packed Wendnesday night at Brasil. no place to walk too, how are they going dance with this crowd. Seems there is a theme party of all "white" dress going on. So many people came in all white.
Start by watching the level of dancers. got a good dancer to start off and was flattered by the way people were looking at me dance. Hope it does not get to my ego. Then a couple of people who were very new found it challengling to dance with them. One quite in the middle and the other continued with a smile, that is the attitude I like of "NOT QUITING". There is always going to be some kind of difficulty, but we can decide to over come it by facing it or run away from it.
Then had one of my best merengue with a cute Italian looking girl. She was a bit chubby, but followed so easily and it was helping me make new moves. This is what I probably need in my life partner too, someone who can help making living easy and compliments rather than causing and creating issues and obstructions.
Partner dancing shows and teaches so much about how a relationship and attitude of people will be in a relationship.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Last day of shuttle
Tuesdayyy, May 18, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wake up late. yet get to do some work out. look out to see that the Vancouver climate has followed me to Lansdale. rain rain rain,,,,
..grrrr conf call early with people in india...
Phew just finished. IT was not as bad as I thought. But again there was this very vauge talk like politicians, of talking with out commiting. To the question do you have resourses to do the work at off shore. the answer was,, we have partnership with this firm and working on the other frim... well that means you don't have resources available. Be direct helps other people go on a make decisions about their life and avoids confusion.
Anyways got to the stuttle pick up @7:25am in the Vancouver like rain, hehehehe... And saw the regular shuttle driving away. Ran after it and saw two other people running behind me.
Too late, so I got my cell phone and called out to the shuttle company number and was told that they just had a change of the shuttle as the original was having some mechanical problems.
Got talking with the two people I regularly meet and just used to say "hi". One guy african american, and the girl from her accent sounded like she must be from liberia or east africa.
Very friendl people, who was surprised that I am staying in a posh nice apartment and still coming late sometimes. hehehe... told them that is the issue like every one, when we have the best facility, we tend to become a bit lineient and less responsible.
They guy said he was from Philly and goes to chruch a lot. So many people mostly us indians tend to judge darker people as bad, even in India, even among relations, the darker cousins are considered bad and inferior and pityed. Thats why I always wanted to go against all of them and marry a very dark skinned girl and shock them all. And prove to them that dark skin is not bad like they think. Especially my mom, who is considered fair by indian standards and walks around with a superior attitude.
It felt sad that I got to talk to them only on the last day. As of tomorrow I hope to be having my own car. Maybe I will pick them up next time if I get out of the house by 7:30am . Thou i am planning on getting to work at 7:00am.
In the brief 5 mins of talking with that guy, he told me about his cruise trips and was so heartly open.
Guess that is what this is all about in the world. The first contact, to establish trust. And to establish that we are all equal, no one is inferior and no one is superior.
I hope that the person I marry will also think the same and will be more inclined to do their own work at home, than try to hire people and call them servants. And has more an attitude of equality and respect for all honestly working human beings. And also teach our kids the same values.
Anyways even with the weather, felt a bit of bouncy feeling of happiness and sadness. A bit of confusion and a bit of looking forward to something new happening in life. Feeling of things going to get better in life.
ahhhh eva the innocent, naieve and head strong, egoist. wonder how she will be adjusting to a life of a mother, if she thinks that doing things for others is like becoming a slave.
But thats how parents are towards their kids. They are virtually slaves and have to do every thing for them. And if we start thinking of slave and master at every thing then its not possible to be as a family. Saw that at narayans house, at times his wife seems to order him for getting stuff from outside and he seems to order her about for things inside the house. The same way my parents do. I would not dare ask my wife to do somethings like getting me water, but then that is how the role is defined. The husband is like the guest, and the wife is the host. So when she assumes the role of a host, she is happy to serve the guest.
And the Husband is like the worker bee, goes out and gets enough to keep the wife and kids happy with material and food to make their life comfrotable.
Thats where the compromise and keeping the ego in control comes for the sake of the relationship.
9 to 9:30 finish the conf call with India. bangalore and calcutta,
Got to see how things will move in the next few days to one month.
have a tough time setting up the SAP times in CATS. coordinated with Rama on that and then was able to log on to the system.
11: to 12:45 was coordinating with the driver who seems to be having is own set of isssues for getting my car and needed some dock to get it out. And he was not able to get a place where he could have it brought down from his truck.
So called up katie the coordinator to see if she was able to get anything going.
2:15 call up Jeff the driver, who seems to be waiting for the coordinator from headquarters to get back to him.
I have not had anything since morning other than a cup of coffee and my stomach is expriencing some kind of motor racing noises. Was hoping to get my car and then go home for some good food. :(
Again all kinds of obstructions to simple things that should have just been done with out any major issues..... why????
around 4 try to call the driver jeff again, but does not pick up the phone. Got a meeting-training at 5. so was trying to get to know what his plans were. do i get my car today or no.
Ajit sends me a msg to go meet him. So walk over to his office and he says that there is a possibility of getting another bit of work right here in philly. And organizes a meeting with Priya for tomorrow. hmm she will be the first indian gal I will be meeting officially working for CTSH.
Again at 5 pm I get to the driver and he says he might be able to make it by 8:30am. I tell him that I have a meeting at 10am upto 11:30am. So he says that he can does not mind coming after 11:30am.
So atleast I can get my car for sure tomorrow.. the weather forecast is `rains and more rains`..
After the class get a ride with kris, and just get home and have my breakfast-lunch and dinner... whole plate... hmmm veggie biriyani that narayans wife and packed for me on sunday. yuuuummmyyyy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wake up late. yet get to do some work out. look out to see that the Vancouver climate has followed me to Lansdale. rain rain rain,,,,
..grrrr conf call early with people in india...
Phew just finished. IT was not as bad as I thought. But again there was this very vauge talk like politicians, of talking with out commiting. To the question do you have resourses to do the work at off shore. the answer was,, we have partnership with this firm and working on the other frim... well that means you don't have resources available. Be direct helps other people go on a make decisions about their life and avoids confusion.
Anyways got to the stuttle pick up @7:25am in the Vancouver like rain, hehehehe... And saw the regular shuttle driving away. Ran after it and saw two other people running behind me.
Too late, so I got my cell phone and called out to the shuttle company number and was told that they just had a change of the shuttle as the original was having some mechanical problems.
Got talking with the two people I regularly meet and just used to say "hi". One guy african american, and the girl from her accent sounded like she must be from liberia or east africa.
Very friendl people, who was surprised that I am staying in a posh nice apartment and still coming late sometimes. hehehe... told them that is the issue like every one, when we have the best facility, we tend to become a bit lineient and less responsible.
They guy said he was from Philly and goes to chruch a lot. So many people mostly us indians tend to judge darker people as bad, even in India, even among relations, the darker cousins are considered bad and inferior and pityed. Thats why I always wanted to go against all of them and marry a very dark skinned girl and shock them all. And prove to them that dark skin is not bad like they think. Especially my mom, who is considered fair by indian standards and walks around with a superior attitude.
It felt sad that I got to talk to them only on the last day. As of tomorrow I hope to be having my own car. Maybe I will pick them up next time if I get out of the house by 7:30am . Thou i am planning on getting to work at 7:00am.
In the brief 5 mins of talking with that guy, he told me about his cruise trips and was so heartly open.
Guess that is what this is all about in the world. The first contact, to establish trust. And to establish that we are all equal, no one is inferior and no one is superior.
I hope that the person I marry will also think the same and will be more inclined to do their own work at home, than try to hire people and call them servants. And has more an attitude of equality and respect for all honestly working human beings. And also teach our kids the same values.
Anyways even with the weather, felt a bit of bouncy feeling of happiness and sadness. A bit of confusion and a bit of looking forward to something new happening in life. Feeling of things going to get better in life.
ahhhh eva the innocent, naieve and head strong, egoist. wonder how she will be adjusting to a life of a mother, if she thinks that doing things for others is like becoming a slave.
But thats how parents are towards their kids. They are virtually slaves and have to do every thing for them. And if we start thinking of slave and master at every thing then its not possible to be as a family. Saw that at narayans house, at times his wife seems to order him for getting stuff from outside and he seems to order her about for things inside the house. The same way my parents do. I would not dare ask my wife to do somethings like getting me water, but then that is how the role is defined. The husband is like the guest, and the wife is the host. So when she assumes the role of a host, she is happy to serve the guest.
And the Husband is like the worker bee, goes out and gets enough to keep the wife and kids happy with material and food to make their life comfrotable.
Thats where the compromise and keeping the ego in control comes for the sake of the relationship.
9 to 9:30 finish the conf call with India. bangalore and calcutta,
Got to see how things will move in the next few days to one month.
have a tough time setting up the SAP times in CATS. coordinated with Rama on that and then was able to log on to the system.
11: to 12:45 was coordinating with the driver who seems to be having is own set of isssues for getting my car and needed some dock to get it out. And he was not able to get a place where he could have it brought down from his truck.
So called up katie the coordinator to see if she was able to get anything going.
2:15 call up Jeff the driver, who seems to be waiting for the coordinator from headquarters to get back to him.
I have not had anything since morning other than a cup of coffee and my stomach is expriencing some kind of motor racing noises. Was hoping to get my car and then go home for some good food. :(
Again all kinds of obstructions to simple things that should have just been done with out any major issues..... why????
around 4 try to call the driver jeff again, but does not pick up the phone. Got a meeting-training at 5. so was trying to get to know what his plans were. do i get my car today or no.
Ajit sends me a msg to go meet him. So walk over to his office and he says that there is a possibility of getting another bit of work right here in philly. And organizes a meeting with Priya for tomorrow. hmm she will be the first indian gal I will be meeting officially working for CTSH.
Again at 5 pm I get to the driver and he says he might be able to make it by 8:30am. I tell him that I have a meeting at 10am upto 11:30am. So he says that he can does not mind coming after 11:30am.
So atleast I can get my car for sure tomorrow.. the weather forecast is `rains and more rains`..
After the class get a ride with kris, and just get home and have my breakfast-lunch and dinner... whole plate... hmmm veggie biriyani that narayans wife and packed for me on sunday. yuuuummmyyyy
Monday, May 17, 2010
Anticipation
Monday, May 17, 2010
+++++++++++++++++++++
Woke up early, but out of bed a bit late. Not much motivation to go to work as there is nothing there to do now.
Felt good going for a long walk yesterday night. Was feeling a kind of irritation for lack of going out walking or running. Guess this not walking is one thing now I understand that always caused Eva to be grumpy and irritated.
Only anticipation of all my stuff and car coming from Vancouver by tomorrow morning. woo hoo freedom soon. Feel like in a jail here with not been able to travel around.
How i wish E would be here and us living like a family, with naughty kids running around early in the morning and her chasing them around with lots of laughter. Would have been the perfect loving family I always wanted.
Was touched by watching Narayan and his cute family.
Thanks to his wife, I have home cooked food packed for a few more days and don`t have to cook. But after two days of just eating home cooked food, my dress are all gone tight. :(
Still feel the strong connection with Eva. Not sure what she is feeling thou. This lack of communication and unwillings to talk is something beyond my powers. She showed this trait and tortured me much before. Should have known this kind of behavior will only escalate with time. And like a fool I keep hoping for the better and thinking that people will change, once they realise the affects of their actions.
off to work....
8:05 at the desk.
Again wonder why rush to take the shuttle @7:35. I would have walked but not a great idea to walk in the damp rainy weather. Especially when wearing formal work shoes. The life of the shoes will just collapse. And to get a shoe of my size is next to a miracle. Have to go to India to get it. So rather take the shuttle than risk walking in the rain.
This time again there were few people who lit up my morning with their return "hi's and 'good morning". cheers to them.
Hope one day, everyone will be able to begin their day happy and smiling.
Sent out mail to E, not sure if she reads it or just trashes it. Was wishing that we could really try and work at our relationship than giving up at the first opportunity.
I was willing to work, even thou I felt like giving up so many times. Even after my mom and the astrologer said it will be filled with lots of unhappiness. I did not care, Astrology is great. But the human will power is greater.
Wish she did not give up so easily. And tried to work on communicating with me than shutting off.
Wish there was more will in making the relationship work. There in lies the secret of success and failure.
THE WILL.
lets see, if she was truely in love with me, she will realise it soon and reciprocate. I have put my ego aside and made another attempt to approach her. With the wish that we can again meet this time on a trip and travel, exploring, on the East coast of US , And with my apartment now in US it will be easy for her to come and stay with me.
But again her own will and willigness to work with me at making our relationship as a honeymoon every day will be very crucial.
Not the attitude of the west to give up and move to a new one and keep repeating that life long. No work no gain.
The results of hard work are always sweeter. It takes time, but surely the results will taste much better and sweeter. :)
Nothing much happening at work. trying to set up the local DB and it was bombing every time I was connecting to the server.
11:45 give a fresh extract of DB and head to cafetria for lunch. huge line up for pasta. Get it around 12:15. by then lost suvendo. Tried to call him on the cell, but got a no number found. So return to the desk.
1:00pm extract completed , yet not working. Played around with the configuration file.
3:45pm then got a brain wave to change the connect string. Viola... the initialization works.
4:30 head to the Analytics training. and got to see that I had 2 missed calls on the cell phone. Signals don`t reach in the room I sit.
The calls were from the driver of the truck getting my car and house hold stuff. And then a mail from the US insurance company asking for Canadian drivers abstract. Ahhhh will all that work on and try to do have some kind of extra work that needs to be done. Can`t I just get something done easily and smoothly
Called up the driver and even he says that he has issues of driving into my apt block as the roads are smaller. And he is trying to find some place where he can transfer to a smaller truck and drive it in.... ahhhh why is life throwing all these complications at me. Then I ask him atleast can I get my car and he asks me to come to a certain place by noon to pick it up. and now to see if I can get a ride from someone for that.
atleast got the drivers abstract by calling up vancouver from ICBC... and faxed it to the insurance.
ITs like I am about to give up on my life and fighting for it. Was feeling so beat down and wondering why is there so much of obstruction to everything that I am doing. Why is it that everything that I do seems to have some kind of complication even in the smallest of things. Why is it taking shots at my optimism and punching me.
8:15pm Went for a run around the apartment complex. That was refreshing to see a couple of very pretty girls out running in the opposite direction and greeting me with a lovely warm smile. Gave me more motivation to go into the gym.
8:30 went into the office of the apt , took print out of my insurance card. Then entered the gym and started cycling. Watched dancing with the stars on TV and cycled for about 30 mins. Phew was not able to stand after that. 10 mins of running and then 30 mins of cycling. And a great treat of watching dancing.
Have to get back on to the dance floor soon. Wish I could have danced the bachata and merengue with Eva now.
10:30pm Saw delma`s pics of her house warming. got bantering with her. And decided to call her and surprise her. She is still so sweet and down to earth. How could a girl as brilliant as her be so under utilized. Surely she will do and achieve something great in Canada. Time will reveal her humble greatness.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Woke up early, but out of bed a bit late. Not much motivation to go to work as there is nothing there to do now.
Felt good going for a long walk yesterday night. Was feeling a kind of irritation for lack of going out walking or running. Guess this not walking is one thing now I understand that always caused Eva to be grumpy and irritated.
Only anticipation of all my stuff and car coming from Vancouver by tomorrow morning. woo hoo freedom soon. Feel like in a jail here with not been able to travel around.
How i wish E would be here and us living like a family, with naughty kids running around early in the morning and her chasing them around with lots of laughter. Would have been the perfect loving family I always wanted.
Was touched by watching Narayan and his cute family.
Thanks to his wife, I have home cooked food packed for a few more days and don`t have to cook. But after two days of just eating home cooked food, my dress are all gone tight. :(
Still feel the strong connection with Eva. Not sure what she is feeling thou. This lack of communication and unwillings to talk is something beyond my powers. She showed this trait and tortured me much before. Should have known this kind of behavior will only escalate with time. And like a fool I keep hoping for the better and thinking that people will change, once they realise the affects of their actions.
off to work....
8:05 at the desk.
Again wonder why rush to take the shuttle @7:35. I would have walked but not a great idea to walk in the damp rainy weather. Especially when wearing formal work shoes. The life of the shoes will just collapse. And to get a shoe of my size is next to a miracle. Have to go to India to get it. So rather take the shuttle than risk walking in the rain.
This time again there were few people who lit up my morning with their return "hi's and 'good morning". cheers to them.
Hope one day, everyone will be able to begin their day happy and smiling.
Sent out mail to E, not sure if she reads it or just trashes it. Was wishing that we could really try and work at our relationship than giving up at the first opportunity.
I was willing to work, even thou I felt like giving up so many times. Even after my mom and the astrologer said it will be filled with lots of unhappiness. I did not care, Astrology is great. But the human will power is greater.
Wish she did not give up so easily. And tried to work on communicating with me than shutting off.
Wish there was more will in making the relationship work. There in lies the secret of success and failure.
THE WILL.
lets see, if she was truely in love with me, she will realise it soon and reciprocate. I have put my ego aside and made another attempt to approach her. With the wish that we can again meet this time on a trip and travel, exploring, on the East coast of US , And with my apartment now in US it will be easy for her to come and stay with me.
But again her own will and willigness to work with me at making our relationship as a honeymoon every day will be very crucial.
Not the attitude of the west to give up and move to a new one and keep repeating that life long. No work no gain.
The results of hard work are always sweeter. It takes time, but surely the results will taste much better and sweeter. :)
Nothing much happening at work. trying to set up the local DB and it was bombing every time I was connecting to the server.
11:45 give a fresh extract of DB and head to cafetria for lunch. huge line up for pasta. Get it around 12:15. by then lost suvendo. Tried to call him on the cell, but got a no number found. So return to the desk.
1:00pm extract completed , yet not working. Played around with the configuration file.
3:45pm then got a brain wave to change the connect string. Viola... the initialization works.
4:30 head to the Analytics training. and got to see that I had 2 missed calls on the cell phone. Signals don`t reach in the room I sit.
The calls were from the driver of the truck getting my car and house hold stuff. And then a mail from the US insurance company asking for Canadian drivers abstract. Ahhhh will all that work on and try to do have some kind of extra work that needs to be done. Can`t I just get something done easily and smoothly
Called up the driver and even he says that he has issues of driving into my apt block as the roads are smaller. And he is trying to find some place where he can transfer to a smaller truck and drive it in.... ahhhh why is life throwing all these complications at me. Then I ask him atleast can I get my car and he asks me to come to a certain place by noon to pick it up. and now to see if I can get a ride from someone for that.
atleast got the drivers abstract by calling up vancouver from ICBC... and faxed it to the insurance.
ITs like I am about to give up on my life and fighting for it. Was feeling so beat down and wondering why is there so much of obstruction to everything that I am doing. Why is it that everything that I do seems to have some kind of complication even in the smallest of things. Why is it taking shots at my optimism and punching me.
8:15pm Went for a run around the apartment complex. That was refreshing to see a couple of very pretty girls out running in the opposite direction and greeting me with a lovely warm smile. Gave me more motivation to go into the gym.
8:30 went into the office of the apt , took print out of my insurance card. Then entered the gym and started cycling. Watched dancing with the stars on TV and cycled for about 30 mins. Phew was not able to stand after that. 10 mins of running and then 30 mins of cycling. And a great treat of watching dancing.
Have to get back on to the dance floor soon. Wish I could have danced the bachata and merengue with Eva now.
10:30pm Saw delma`s pics of her house warming. got bantering with her. And decided to call her and surprise her. She is still so sweet and down to earth. How could a girl as brilliant as her be so under utilized. Surely she will do and achieve something great in Canada. Time will reveal her humble greatness.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Peacful Sunday
Sun, May 16, 2010
******************************************
Woke up around 6:45 at N's house. Then went out with him, as he went into the gym I decided to walk around the New Jersey neighborhood and check out the creeks and natural paths. Felt nice and again was reminded about Eva and how nice it would have been if she would have been here. She would have loved this walk and its nature. The water in the streams was so clear.
CAlled up home and talked with Parents and aunts who were visiting.
Was again thinking about Fridays talk with Ajit and telling him that I am no longer interested in moving to India as my primary intention and objective to go and be able to live there with Eva for sometime and more so to marry her, got derailed and she is no longer even in contact with me on FAcebook.
Just wished that we could have worked it out. But with the way her attitude is more about cutting off communication. That was an approach she always adopted even at the begining of our relationship and that frustrated me a lot and confused me a lot too. Wish she had more courage to face situations when they are uncomfortable. Especially when we were in a relationship and wish she had more sense of commitment and desire to work at making it happen. Even I felt like giving up and running away so many times. But always tried to talk it and attempt to work it as best possible.
Wished that she could have been here after her july/August trip to India and we could go out on the East Coast of US this time with the National Park pass.
Will it ever happen? Will we be able to learn and grow from the past experiences and mature as human beings?
Was telling Narayan how I was feeling a bit off and not enjoying seeing so many indians(fat and financially well off indians) here in New Jersey and at work in PA. In Vancouver it was an over load of Asian looking people.
And he said, maybe I am suffering from an identity crisis. Thats true, it was not something that started recently. Was having that from early as I grew up in different regions of India that was totally different from my own ancestral. But still love Malu related gatherings and wish I could have gone to the Theater which shows only malu movies in New York State. Used to go to that place every weekend 10 years ago along with Balaji.
12:30pm party at Narayans house, 3 families of his colleauges come by with their wifes and kids. 2 of the families are from Ahmadabad..... ahhh why am I reminded of Ahmadabad again. Why is there so many coincidence again and again, just reminding me of Eva.
When she seems to be in love with someone else or is happy with someone else. Or is it just my own fear that she is in love with the wrong person? well she blocked me on FB so she surely does not want me to see somethings there, maybe she wants to change her status or relationship or put pics and does not want me to see it..... ahhhh so many things. But I wonder, why could she not go for a nice guy like Amit or Bobber ,,,
why some sleezy, rich guy living of his parents money.?
Just hoping and praying that she does not get hurt or get used by those bums there.
******************************************
Woke up around 6:45 at N's house. Then went out with him, as he went into the gym I decided to walk around the New Jersey neighborhood and check out the creeks and natural paths. Felt nice and again was reminded about Eva and how nice it would have been if she would have been here. She would have loved this walk and its nature. The water in the streams was so clear.
CAlled up home and talked with Parents and aunts who were visiting.
Was again thinking about Fridays talk with Ajit and telling him that I am no longer interested in moving to India as my primary intention and objective to go and be able to live there with Eva for sometime and more so to marry her, got derailed and she is no longer even in contact with me on FAcebook.
Just wished that we could have worked it out. But with the way her attitude is more about cutting off communication. That was an approach she always adopted even at the begining of our relationship and that frustrated me a lot and confused me a lot too. Wish she had more courage to face situations when they are uncomfortable. Especially when we were in a relationship and wish she had more sense of commitment and desire to work at making it happen. Even I felt like giving up and running away so many times. But always tried to talk it and attempt to work it as best possible.
Wished that she could have been here after her july/August trip to India and we could go out on the East Coast of US this time with the National Park pass.
Will it ever happen? Will we be able to learn and grow from the past experiences and mature as human beings?
Was telling Narayan how I was feeling a bit off and not enjoying seeing so many indians(fat and financially well off indians) here in New Jersey and at work in PA. In Vancouver it was an over load of Asian looking people.
And he said, maybe I am suffering from an identity crisis. Thats true, it was not something that started recently. Was having that from early as I grew up in different regions of India that was totally different from my own ancestral. But still love Malu related gatherings and wish I could have gone to the Theater which shows only malu movies in New York State. Used to go to that place every weekend 10 years ago along with Balaji.
12:30pm party at Narayans house, 3 families of his colleauges come by with their wifes and kids. 2 of the families are from Ahmadabad..... ahhh why am I reminded of Ahmadabad again. Why is there so many coincidence again and again, just reminding me of Eva.
When she seems to be in love with someone else or is happy with someone else. Or is it just my own fear that she is in love with the wrong person? well she blocked me on FB so she surely does not want me to see somethings there, maybe she wants to change her status or relationship or put pics and does not want me to see it..... ahhhh so many things. But I wonder, why could she not go for a nice guy like Amit or Bobber ,,,
why some sleezy, rich guy living of his parents money.?
Just hoping and praying that she does not get hurt or get used by those bums there.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Glad to see Sara motivated
Sat, May 15, 2010
******************************************
woke up early at N's place. After a deep sleep. Saw Saras mail, she was feeling much better and thanking me for the positive words of motivation. Thats a nice feeling to have made some one happier.
Sara is such a nice gal an example of a struggling Canadian person against all odds. Studying, working full time, paying for her tution. Then getting into an accident while she was biking, hurt and not able to pursue her favourite activity of going for long distance running every day. And on top of all this, her dad passed away. So much of emotional distress and still fighting against all odds to succeed with a cheerful happy smile and face.
Feeling a bit better after the motivating talk from Narayan. Who always suppored Eva. Eva is feeling like a spoilt princess there in India with all the attention. And hence her feeling of power. Where as i am reminded at every step of the US trip we took together and feeling nostigalic with all the green nature around me and been all alone with out the distractions of TV.
And also thankfull that we did not end up having any bad accidents during the trip. which was a huge possibility given the discovery of the faulty bolt on the passenger side wheel of the vehicle. Would have been a major accident and collapse of the passenger side and I would Not have been able to forgive myself if something bad would have happened to Eva.
She on the other hand is surrounded by people who are considering her exotic and maybe also people who as a general opinon about the western women been easy to jump into bed with. well what one does when in power is something that will tell about her own character. And power currupts even the best of people.
Had great break fast of home cooked dosas at N's house. Great way to distract from continously thinking about Eva and feeling that sense of still been connected to her. And then the feelings of her been in some kind of danger.....
Like N said. its her own foolishness of her age, even we all have gone thru that phase and made decisions then. And most of the time regreted and wished that there was someone to tell us and would have stopped us.
Just that not to wonder how could she get so cold hearted and cut off things so easily. As with time people realise what they did wrong latter and by then its would be too late for her.
ITs not in our powers to change.
Which is a fact given that I think the same about my power and ability. Just have to let it go and hope for the best.
Really not even able to get angry with her at all . If i could get angry at her like I did to the other exs it would have been so easy to cut her off.
Just feel that she is doing things in her naiveity and been stupid.
And she is still fooling her self into believing that I made some imaginary stories and told Amit , she did not even bother to confirm with me about the stories.
Well she trusts him and his words more... thats a choice she made.
Had great home cooked food, by N's wife. yuummmyy,, nothing beats home cooked food. Having food outside and tasting exotic food is good for sometime. But then Home is where we all come back to. Like the harbour we as ships keep coming back to.
Watched "life in metro" hindi movie about life and affairs of the heart in mubai. Feels to true and how things are now in Mumbai and Bangalore.
Not the type of life style I would like. But surely felt a relation to the guy who was getting used by his bosses to use his apartment for their sexual adeventures. Felt a relation with him in terms of his crush on a gal who seems to be so not aware about his interest and love for her.
******************************************
woke up early at N's place. After a deep sleep. Saw Saras mail, she was feeling much better and thanking me for the positive words of motivation. Thats a nice feeling to have made some one happier.
Sara is such a nice gal an example of a struggling Canadian person against all odds. Studying, working full time, paying for her tution. Then getting into an accident while she was biking, hurt and not able to pursue her favourite activity of going for long distance running every day. And on top of all this, her dad passed away. So much of emotional distress and still fighting against all odds to succeed with a cheerful happy smile and face.
Feeling a bit better after the motivating talk from Narayan. Who always suppored Eva. Eva is feeling like a spoilt princess there in India with all the attention. And hence her feeling of power. Where as i am reminded at every step of the US trip we took together and feeling nostigalic with all the green nature around me and been all alone with out the distractions of TV.
And also thankfull that we did not end up having any bad accidents during the trip. which was a huge possibility given the discovery of the faulty bolt on the passenger side wheel of the vehicle. Would have been a major accident and collapse of the passenger side and I would Not have been able to forgive myself if something bad would have happened to Eva.
She on the other hand is surrounded by people who are considering her exotic and maybe also people who as a general opinon about the western women been easy to jump into bed with. well what one does when in power is something that will tell about her own character. And power currupts even the best of people.
Had great break fast of home cooked dosas at N's house. Great way to distract from continously thinking about Eva and feeling that sense of still been connected to her. And then the feelings of her been in some kind of danger.....
Like N said. its her own foolishness of her age, even we all have gone thru that phase and made decisions then. And most of the time regreted and wished that there was someone to tell us and would have stopped us.
Just that not to wonder how could she get so cold hearted and cut off things so easily. As with time people realise what they did wrong latter and by then its would be too late for her.
ITs not in our powers to change.
Which is a fact given that I think the same about my power and ability. Just have to let it go and hope for the best.
Really not even able to get angry with her at all . If i could get angry at her like I did to the other exs it would have been so easy to cut her off.
Just feel that she is doing things in her naiveity and been stupid.
And she is still fooling her self into believing that I made some imaginary stories and told Amit , she did not even bother to confirm with me about the stories.
Well she trusts him and his words more... thats a choice she made.
Had great home cooked food, by N's wife. yuummmyy,, nothing beats home cooked food. Having food outside and tasting exotic food is good for sometime. But then Home is where we all come back to. Like the harbour we as ships keep coming back to.
Watched "life in metro" hindi movie about life and affairs of the heart in mubai. Feels to true and how things are now in Mumbai and Bangalore.
Not the type of life style I would like. But surely felt a relation to the guy who was getting used by his bosses to use his apartment for their sexual adeventures. Felt a relation with him in terms of his crush on a gal who seems to be so not aware about his interest and love for her.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Good move
Fri, May 14, 2010
******************************************
Woke up around 6:30 and rushed thru the motions and ran to reach the shuttle by 7:35am with the 20kgs on my back. The only person today for the 1st 2 stops. Well week end!
Good move by Eva to block me off her friends list on FB. Congratulations to her for doing that as it would not be fair with her new love interest also on FB. Atleast she seems to have the coldness to do it with out even telling me. Well thats her.
On reading the FB quotes one would assume that she is someone very spiritual, but I guess she is human like the rest of us and when it comes to practicing the words, she is really someone else.
Either way, Around the one year milestone of our meeting she has gone into another new phase of again repeating the same way of behavior getting into relationship with out much real thought.
So my decision to Not to make plans to go to India for the Kerala visit turned out to be good.
Thou she said on the last day in Czech, that after this, she would not be in a relationship in the next 3 months and was hoping that we could go to Kerala together. But my instincts and read about her and her character was right. Not only did she hook up with current guy, who I guess happens to be her 2nd attempt. Probably after Amit turned her down who is the 1st.
I was hoping that Amit was wrong in calling her a "Slut" and for generally labelling all the "western women" as characterless. Was hoping Eva would prove him wrong.
I would not be surprised if she is using the words "surya", "sulinko", "miminko",,,, with the new guy too. Would be interesting to know if that is some kind of formula that she keeps using from one relation to the other.
Atleast she got caught with using "Mastero" with me. That she had used with Igor. Just that Igor did not time it well. Or because I came in between and saved her.
I was hoping that she would really learn from our relation, but so far all the indications are that she seems to have only learned to become a smarter lier to her own self. More inclined and going with basic instincts of wanting to blame the other and with zero accountability.
People make their choices. I am choosing to forgive her and wishing her the best. And hope that her good karma protects her.
I am surprised that I am able to have good thoughts for her, even after she betrayed my trust,. A trust that I thought I trusted her more than I trusted my own mother. ITs heart wrenching. But i guess thats what love is all about, forgiving the one who matters, no matter what.
1) I don't care how strong you are...
All I want to know is what holds you together when you are at your weakest self.
2) I don't care how honest you are..
All i want to know is whether you really have the courage to be truthful to yourself and stop believing in the lies you tell yourself everyday.
7) I don't care what you are to the outside world..
All I want to know is what is there inside when you remove that mask.
11) I don't care how beautiful you are.. All I want to know is the ugly side of you, the side that deserves more love.....
Got to see how things turn out tonite, go out salsa dancing or not to ? or to have a drink party with all the guys in my room? and go for the salsa dancing tomorrow night and use the day pass to visit the museums of Independence during the day?
Back to work. not many people on the walk to the room from the Cafeteria. Got to greet about 8 people. And a few grumpy AC's(Angry czechs) who were too grumpy that they looked away.
The weather is not that great either, Cloudy like Vancouver and heavy rains expected soon.
Let me see if I can get my hands on doing some more research on the Vaccination related Call center going live next week.
11:11am... I just checked Evas package been delivered. It has reached her country on 5th. no updates after that.
Its funny, how we are still connected. I could feel that she was sick and was going thru something bad. Why is it that I can feel so strongly something bad or good happening to her. If I am not ment to be with her?
Why is nature still playing its games of connection. Not sure if she feels it or is confused with the new place and its people. She is still young, and like the first break up email where she almost made feel like a I am only interested in her body for sex and told me not to touch her and things that made me feel as thou she was addressing an animal.
The part where I was trying to avoid sex with her during the course of our trip no matter how tempting it was for me and was focusing on having us form more spiritual connection was lost on her. Wondering if thats why she was saying I was ignoring her!!??? Sometimes she is thinking in Czech and writing in English and hence the original idea is sometimes lost.....
And when I just told her to then change the status of our relationship. Her reply mail suggested that she just reacts to situation, worse than I do. She did not really think fully, just her naieviety of situation and her immaturity in handling relationship. Where there is a huge imbalance in her.
Hope she will gain more stability in her thoughts and what she really wants in life. Before she gets dragged too deeply into her current relationship, with Amit or Rishit or some other.
Thou many times I told her she still needs to find herself. Her naieve claims of having found herself in her early 20's was something I never was able to argue with. Because I went thru those phases of thinking I found myself and with passing time, I keep realising that what I thought a few years ago was just my immaturity.
I sometimes wish I had met Delma or Sara before I fell in love with Eva. They are both so nice and so wonderful too. What caused all this things to happen, even thou we both were trying to avoid getting into a relationship, fully knowing that our paths were in very different direction. That is something that will always puzzle me.
Got Sara's email. she seems to be getting into a depressive mood with all the bad things that seem to be happening to her since the last 6 months. with her dad passing away to her accident and her not able to do the one thing she is passionate about ,, her 10k and 30 k running. poor gal.
1:20pm got back from Lunch, met a couple of guys from CTSH. one a Malu from bangalore and the other from Bihar. And it turns out he is from my university in Karnataka.
Wooo this whole month I am meeting people from my past and with links to my past.
Walking back from the cafetria, was feeling uneasy thinking about Eva and kind of uneasy feeling about the bad dream I had. Did not tell her that they guy I saw in the dream who fixed her drink was Rishit. Now I am really feeling concerned. But my powers are limited. I cannot do any preventive actions from here. And now her actions of totally cutting me off from FB only make it impossible to caution her.
Two days ago, I was feeling happy for her new found love and thinking of her smiling happily and in love with some lucky guy.
And now that happiness has transformed to something of a fear for her wel being. Why is it I am not able to feel angry and cold and cut her off totally. There are so many beautiful girls here and not one seems to be able to get my attention off her.!!!!!????? weird connection.
1:45pm got msg from driver regarding the delivery at lansdale,, yahoo my car is coming. But not able to get back in touch with Driver as his phone is just ringing and no one is picking up. Called up Narayan who works for AT and T to see if could call the driver on his Canadian phone. But the same results.
2:05pm Atlast get in touch with Jeff the driver, who said he would deliver it by Tuesday 9am. Phew atlast. now to work on the Insurance wtih Geico. :)
4:50pm... Still bothered by the thought of the dream where Rishit fixes evas drink and does stuff to her and then his friends also come one after another and they take pics off all that with hidden camera.
Ahhh why am I been bothered about someone who does not care. Why am I not able to let go of it by thinking that she does not care about me why should I care about her.
Is this some kind of strange connection I am feeling towards her like I always felt with her. Is is also feeling anything like this?
Is she thinking that he is not as aggressive as the guys in Vancouver? For sure, even the slowest guy in Vancouver will be more aggressive than most of the aggressive guys in India. And if Rishit is been slow its only becasue compared to the guys in the west he is from an conservative country and hence will surely be slower and will appear as not a threat.
Why could she not hook up with Amit or someone nice guy. Why is it I am getting a very bad feeling of bad things happening to her again. And this feeling of danger is only getting stronger. Its just that I am also thinking what is the point in me reacting after the damage is done?
With my contacts and family connections I could easily do things there, even probably have the guys with evil intentions towards her threatened to not play any games with her. But again I would not like to involve them base on a hunch and especially when she is been so cold towards me. And too act after the damage is done would mean that I can only resort to revenge on the guys. But whats the use of that after the damage is done and she gets scared for life.....
So many questions?
I am going crazy thinking about someone who obviously does not seem to care for me.... why? why ? why?
Is it cause of my caring nature towards all those that are there in my life? or is it cause of the way I grew up with lots of group activities and feeling of team? or is it just my protective instincts as a man, wanting to protect the one who I care for the most in my life?
Had talk with N on the way back walking from Work regarding this and after explaining the story was told. Its not her been cold or anything like that. She is just been foolish. She is behaving like most of the people her age. She might realise it latter, but by then it might be too late for her.
That suddenly reminded me of the way she broke up the first time. And on my reply, she wanted me to re-consider and not rush into decisions. What kind of person thinks like that? Breaks up, and tells me not to touch her and making me feel like a some kind of sexual predator and then when I say ok as you wish. She tells me not to rush into decisions... I did not make any.. I just agreed to her wish.... Is she some kind of drama queen?
just wish that we could have been good friends atleast. But now with her cutting me off the FB it kind of feels like she is not even interested in been friends.
Well I tried as best as possible.
Around 5:30 Ajit comes around wanting to talk to me about my move to India for transfer. To Bangalore or Calcutta. I then told him with the recent developments I have a change in my wanting to go to India. As my primary objective was to go with and be with my girlfriend and probably marry her. But now the equations have changed and she is probably with someone else and now she has cut me off facebook as friend and that means she is not even interested in been my friend.
Then he said, that means with my limited scope in the current project, I would probably have to transfer to some other project at some other place. Well that okay.
Moving to India would have ment an indian salary. Thou its a great salary compared to Indian standards of around 30 to 40 K US dollars per year.
******************************************
Woke up around 6:30 and rushed thru the motions and ran to reach the shuttle by 7:35am with the 20kgs on my back. The only person today for the 1st 2 stops. Well week end!
Good move by Eva to block me off her friends list on FB. Congratulations to her for doing that as it would not be fair with her new love interest also on FB. Atleast she seems to have the coldness to do it with out even telling me. Well thats her.
On reading the FB quotes one would assume that she is someone very spiritual, but I guess she is human like the rest of us and when it comes to practicing the words, she is really someone else.
Either way, Around the one year milestone of our meeting she has gone into another new phase of again repeating the same way of behavior getting into relationship with out much real thought.
So my decision to Not to make plans to go to India for the Kerala visit turned out to be good.
Thou she said on the last day in Czech, that after this, she would not be in a relationship in the next 3 months and was hoping that we could go to Kerala together. But my instincts and read about her and her character was right. Not only did she hook up with current guy, who I guess happens to be her 2nd attempt. Probably after Amit turned her down who is the 1st.
I was hoping that Amit was wrong in calling her a "Slut" and for generally labelling all the "western women" as characterless. Was hoping Eva would prove him wrong.
I would not be surprised if she is using the words "surya", "sulinko", "miminko",,,, with the new guy too. Would be interesting to know if that is some kind of formula that she keeps using from one relation to the other.
Atleast she got caught with using "Mastero" with me. That she had used with Igor. Just that Igor did not time it well. Or because I came in between and saved her.
I was hoping that she would really learn from our relation, but so far all the indications are that she seems to have only learned to become a smarter lier to her own self. More inclined and going with basic instincts of wanting to blame the other and with zero accountability.
People make their choices. I am choosing to forgive her and wishing her the best. And hope that her good karma protects her.
I am surprised that I am able to have good thoughts for her, even after she betrayed my trust,. A trust that I thought I trusted her more than I trusted my own mother. ITs heart wrenching. But i guess thats what love is all about, forgiving the one who matters, no matter what.
1) I don't care how strong you are...
All I want to know is what holds you together when you are at your weakest self.
2) I don't care how honest you are..
All i want to know is whether you really have the courage to be truthful to yourself and stop believing in the lies you tell yourself everyday.
7) I don't care what you are to the outside world..
All I want to know is what is there inside when you remove that mask.
11) I don't care how beautiful you are.. All I want to know is the ugly side of you, the side that deserves more love.....
Got to see how things turn out tonite, go out salsa dancing or not to ? or to have a drink party with all the guys in my room? and go for the salsa dancing tomorrow night and use the day pass to visit the museums of Independence during the day?
Back to work. not many people on the walk to the room from the Cafeteria. Got to greet about 8 people. And a few grumpy AC's(Angry czechs) who were too grumpy that they looked away.
The weather is not that great either, Cloudy like Vancouver and heavy rains expected soon.
Let me see if I can get my hands on doing some more research on the Vaccination related Call center going live next week.
11:11am... I just checked Evas package been delivered. It has reached her country on 5th. no updates after that.
Its funny, how we are still connected. I could feel that she was sick and was going thru something bad. Why is it that I can feel so strongly something bad or good happening to her. If I am not ment to be with her?
Why is nature still playing its games of connection. Not sure if she feels it or is confused with the new place and its people. She is still young, and like the first break up email where she almost made feel like a I am only interested in her body for sex and told me not to touch her and things that made me feel as thou she was addressing an animal.
The part where I was trying to avoid sex with her during the course of our trip no matter how tempting it was for me and was focusing on having us form more spiritual connection was lost on her. Wondering if thats why she was saying I was ignoring her!!??? Sometimes she is thinking in Czech and writing in English and hence the original idea is sometimes lost.....
And when I just told her to then change the status of our relationship. Her reply mail suggested that she just reacts to situation, worse than I do. She did not really think fully, just her naieviety of situation and her immaturity in handling relationship. Where there is a huge imbalance in her.
Hope she will gain more stability in her thoughts and what she really wants in life. Before she gets dragged too deeply into her current relationship, with Amit or Rishit or some other.
Thou many times I told her she still needs to find herself. Her naieve claims of having found herself in her early 20's was something I never was able to argue with. Because I went thru those phases of thinking I found myself and with passing time, I keep realising that what I thought a few years ago was just my immaturity.
I sometimes wish I had met Delma or Sara before I fell in love with Eva. They are both so nice and so wonderful too. What caused all this things to happen, even thou we both were trying to avoid getting into a relationship, fully knowing that our paths were in very different direction. That is something that will always puzzle me.
Got Sara's email. she seems to be getting into a depressive mood with all the bad things that seem to be happening to her since the last 6 months. with her dad passing away to her accident and her not able to do the one thing she is passionate about ,, her 10k and 30 k running. poor gal.
1:20pm got back from Lunch, met a couple of guys from CTSH. one a Malu from bangalore and the other from Bihar. And it turns out he is from my university in Karnataka.
Wooo this whole month I am meeting people from my past and with links to my past.
Walking back from the cafetria, was feeling uneasy thinking about Eva and kind of uneasy feeling about the bad dream I had. Did not tell her that they guy I saw in the dream who fixed her drink was Rishit. Now I am really feeling concerned. But my powers are limited. I cannot do any preventive actions from here. And now her actions of totally cutting me off from FB only make it impossible to caution her.
Two days ago, I was feeling happy for her new found love and thinking of her smiling happily and in love with some lucky guy.
And now that happiness has transformed to something of a fear for her wel being. Why is it I am not able to feel angry and cold and cut her off totally. There are so many beautiful girls here and not one seems to be able to get my attention off her.!!!!!????? weird connection.
1:45pm got msg from driver regarding the delivery at lansdale,, yahoo my car is coming. But not able to get back in touch with Driver as his phone is just ringing and no one is picking up. Called up Narayan who works for AT and T to see if could call the driver on his Canadian phone. But the same results.
2:05pm Atlast get in touch with Jeff the driver, who said he would deliver it by Tuesday 9am. Phew atlast. now to work on the Insurance wtih Geico. :)
4:50pm... Still bothered by the thought of the dream where Rishit fixes evas drink and does stuff to her and then his friends also come one after another and they take pics off all that with hidden camera.
Ahhh why am I been bothered about someone who does not care. Why am I not able to let go of it by thinking that she does not care about me why should I care about her.
Is this some kind of strange connection I am feeling towards her like I always felt with her. Is is also feeling anything like this?
Is she thinking that he is not as aggressive as the guys in Vancouver? For sure, even the slowest guy in Vancouver will be more aggressive than most of the aggressive guys in India. And if Rishit is been slow its only becasue compared to the guys in the west he is from an conservative country and hence will surely be slower and will appear as not a threat.
Why could she not hook up with Amit or someone nice guy. Why is it I am getting a very bad feeling of bad things happening to her again. And this feeling of danger is only getting stronger. Its just that I am also thinking what is the point in me reacting after the damage is done?
With my contacts and family connections I could easily do things there, even probably have the guys with evil intentions towards her threatened to not play any games with her. But again I would not like to involve them base on a hunch and especially when she is been so cold towards me. And too act after the damage is done would mean that I can only resort to revenge on the guys. But whats the use of that after the damage is done and she gets scared for life.....
So many questions?
I am going crazy thinking about someone who obviously does not seem to care for me.... why? why ? why?
Is it cause of my caring nature towards all those that are there in my life? or is it cause of the way I grew up with lots of group activities and feeling of team? or is it just my protective instincts as a man, wanting to protect the one who I care for the most in my life?
Had talk with N on the way back walking from Work regarding this and after explaining the story was told. Its not her been cold or anything like that. She is just been foolish. She is behaving like most of the people her age. She might realise it latter, but by then it might be too late for her.
That suddenly reminded me of the way she broke up the first time. And on my reply, she wanted me to re-consider and not rush into decisions. What kind of person thinks like that? Breaks up, and tells me not to touch her and making me feel like a some kind of sexual predator and then when I say ok as you wish. She tells me not to rush into decisions... I did not make any.. I just agreed to her wish.... Is she some kind of drama queen?
just wish that we could have been good friends atleast. But now with her cutting me off the FB it kind of feels like she is not even interested in been friends.
Well I tried as best as possible.
Around 5:30 Ajit comes around wanting to talk to me about my move to India for transfer. To Bangalore or Calcutta. I then told him with the recent developments I have a change in my wanting to go to India. As my primary objective was to go with and be with my girlfriend and probably marry her. But now the equations have changed and she is probably with someone else and now she has cut me off facebook as friend and that means she is not even interested in been my friend.
Then he said, that means with my limited scope in the current project, I would probably have to transfer to some other project at some other place. Well that okay.
Moving to India would have ment an indian salary. Thou its a great salary compared to Indian standards of around 30 to 40 K US dollars per year.
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