Monday, Jun-07-2010
------------------------------
Woke up early. Full of energy. lets see if I can make it to work before 7am. What a weekend. :)
Was listening to the Conf call with Kolkota and got to know that people are travelling for about 2 hrs in the morning and 2.5 hrs in evening to get back home.
There was 2nd person resigning because of the distance to travel and affecting personal life.
It seem they moved to a new office building very far and remote and there is no restaurant for 16km radius.
I think I made the right decision of not taking a transfer to India. Would not want to waste about 5 hrs traveling.
Saw Eva great quots on her blog. Nice of her to post it. She was into it even before. But they were more longer and debatable. and some maybe contoversial. And these are just quotes for sharing, nothing to debate about.
Working on seeing if I can get more training on my leadership skills and other soft skills. browsing the company web page after I got the email. The webpage seems so unfriendly and not able to find the place to register for the course. :(
Whole body seems to pain with the results of back to back hiking. And I wished that the hikes were as close as in Vancouver.
And I wish for so many things, but reality is so far and distant.
Dreams that could have made bridges, seem to collapse and wither,
Love that crossed all boundaries and Oceans
Seem so helpless and wanting its own love and care.
Words of misunderstanding causing the pain
Seems to happily rein.
Ego and blindness
Weaving its own web
How helpless it feels
How deeply it feels
If only you took the time,
To understand the deep me within me.
You would have known how deep and true my feelings and me as person.
And if you had known the person in me you would not want any other.
Lost was me as the person to you in the clouds of circumstances and other tempting colors
Temptations that invited you to distant exocticness
Unreal as they are and will always be.
Finding yourself in your own heart I hope will one day reveal the REAL
Will it be too late,
Love forever lost to regret.
10:45 am get msg from Ajit regarding conduting interview to recruit for the off shore person. She is based in Bangalore. Need to make international call and schedule an interview.
12:10 pm get out to head home and finish yesterday evenings chicken curry cooking.
12:50 finish cooking and heat up the Chapati/roti and have it with the yummy chicken curry.
1:20pm head back to work. reach work thinking about the issue with Eva colleauge.
Why is it that India is sill sticking to some of the rules that were required to keep track of foreigners during the Cold war period. Now its become such an open Country, that even the data base in the computer is not enough to keep the data about the foreigners address.
Just that it would mean that there will be suddenly lesser jobs if these rules are removed and no one wants that. A democratic country practicing Cold war Iron curtain policies. Or is it just the distrust of the Europeans.
Again there is so much that needs to change and evolve in the Indian mentality. So many of the restricted thinking and convervatism that gets taken and blown out of proportion.
Wondering if I should send Eva the reply to her email or just let it go. I have done enough to screw up my own sense of self respect, my self confidence is at its low feel like the ugly frog no one wants anything to do with.
Now even if some girl looks at me kindly and smiles, I am feeling as thou I was kissed by a princess and turned back from a frog to my original princely self.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
House work and cooking
Sunday, Jun 06-2010
*********************
Woke up late and feeling tired after about 4 hrs of hiking followed by Salsa dancing yesterday. I think I lost about 5 pounds. But what an adventure and all new possibilities.
Its been very hot here in the 80(deg F) that is about 28 (deg C). Phew lucky I don't have to experience 40 plus as in India.
Have to focus on cleaning up the house and getting things in order. Another beginner hike organized in the evening near to the downtown park. There is a canadian girl in that too. lets see if I can convince the new group to go out salsa after the hike. ;)
Started off cooking the chicken curry. Then realised that I did not have enough Onions. So went shopping to costco around 1pm and got Milk, onion and a few other stuff.
Partially finished cooking and realised I need to head out for the hike.
Reached west philly or the Farimount garden around 4:15. Met with Jed and Felica (who is the first Canadian I am meeting after my move to Lansdale).
Jed seemed like a walking encyclopedia. And Felica seemed so sweet and down to earth and wanting to bond as canadians. She is been in Philly for about a year
Philly or Philadelphia is Historic to the American Independence and the history of modern day Democracy.
quarter way thru Dena joined our group. We went to the Memorial hall, now a Childrens museum to check out the architecture of the building that was as old as the modern America.
Opposite to the Building people were playing the game of cricket. Most of the people seem to be from West Indies. That was something funny to find a group of people playing cricket in full uniform, wearing all whites. In the middle of Philadelphia. hahaha. Me and Felica were excited and went over there to find out the details. It turned out that they play every sunday.
Then we went to the philadelphia Stars memorial park. which honored the negro baseball league. And went walking thru couple of lakes and Criss crossed the Fairmount garden (which seems to be as huge as the Stanley Park in Vancouver). Jed was very informative about the natural habitat of the plants and giving us information about the different plant families. He was like an encyclopedia.
Its a great place to take a person out on a date ;)
At the end of the walk we all went to a new Classy restaurant in the Philadelphia Technology park.
The restaurant is called LE COCHON NOIR ( The Black Pig). It had a live jazz band playing at 7:30pm.
The food was good, as they did not have Liquior license yet, they gave us complimentary drinks. We all had White wine. (ended up having 3 glasses of it).
Then I ordered Quedila and Glace (fruits, but it was frozen).
The service was the best I ever got to see in my life. There were a few teenage looking girls who came from Ukarine and were working in the restaurant. Latter when I asked how they ended up here, they said that they came here on Student exchange. It was kind of like Evas internship but they end up working as what ever job they get. More like the jobs the 3 french people got in Vancouver.
The best part of the evening was the dissusion, argument and debate with Dina S. Who is basically from New York.
She was arguing like Eva, but with more verbal supporting points and facts. And she did not get angry. Just respected that we had difference of opinion. Wonderful and we hugged at the end. Guess that is the difference in Experience and that of a person who is in control of their emotional issues. OR maybe with time Eva will also learn to control her anger and expression during a debate. Or just that she is passionate about some of the things more.
It was an awesome evening and hope to join up with this group for more as time permits.
Got back home and just crashed on the couch.
*********************
Woke up late and feeling tired after about 4 hrs of hiking followed by Salsa dancing yesterday. I think I lost about 5 pounds. But what an adventure and all new possibilities.
Its been very hot here in the 80(deg F) that is about 28 (deg C). Phew lucky I don't have to experience 40 plus as in India.
Have to focus on cleaning up the house and getting things in order. Another beginner hike organized in the evening near to the downtown park. There is a canadian girl in that too. lets see if I can convince the new group to go out salsa after the hike. ;)
Started off cooking the chicken curry. Then realised that I did not have enough Onions. So went shopping to costco around 1pm and got Milk, onion and a few other stuff.
Partially finished cooking and realised I need to head out for the hike.
Reached west philly or the Farimount garden around 4:15. Met with Jed and Felica (who is the first Canadian I am meeting after my move to Lansdale).
Jed seemed like a walking encyclopedia. And Felica seemed so sweet and down to earth and wanting to bond as canadians. She is been in Philly for about a year
Philly or Philadelphia is Historic to the American Independence and the history of modern day Democracy.
quarter way thru Dena joined our group. We went to the Memorial hall, now a Childrens museum to check out the architecture of the building that was as old as the modern America.
Opposite to the Building people were playing the game of cricket. Most of the people seem to be from West Indies. That was something funny to find a group of people playing cricket in full uniform, wearing all whites. In the middle of Philadelphia. hahaha. Me and Felica were excited and went over there to find out the details. It turned out that they play every sunday.
Then we went to the philadelphia Stars memorial park. which honored the negro baseball league. And went walking thru couple of lakes and Criss crossed the Fairmount garden (which seems to be as huge as the Stanley Park in Vancouver). Jed was very informative about the natural habitat of the plants and giving us information about the different plant families. He was like an encyclopedia.
Its a great place to take a person out on a date ;)
At the end of the walk we all went to a new Classy restaurant in the Philadelphia Technology park.
The restaurant is called LE COCHON NOIR ( The Black Pig). It had a live jazz band playing at 7:30pm.
The food was good, as they did not have Liquior license yet, they gave us complimentary drinks. We all had White wine. (ended up having 3 glasses of it).
Then I ordered Quedila and Glace (fruits, but it was frozen).
The service was the best I ever got to see in my life. There were a few teenage looking girls who came from Ukarine and were working in the restaurant. Latter when I asked how they ended up here, they said that they came here on Student exchange. It was kind of like Evas internship but they end up working as what ever job they get. More like the jobs the 3 french people got in Vancouver.
The best part of the evening was the dissusion, argument and debate with Dina S. Who is basically from New York.
She was arguing like Eva, but with more verbal supporting points and facts. And she did not get angry. Just respected that we had difference of opinion. Wonderful and we hugged at the end. Guess that is the difference in Experience and that of a person who is in control of their emotional issues. OR maybe with time Eva will also learn to control her anger and expression during a debate. Or just that she is passionate about some of the things more.
It was an awesome evening and hope to join up with this group for more as time permits.
Got back home and just crashed on the couch.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Hike day
Saturday , Jun - 05- 2010
**************************
Woke up late after a night out in Philly. Beautiful day outside. So was looking at all the hiking groups. There was one close to Lansdale, about 20 miles. Bridlewild hike.
Not sure how the group is or where they will be meeting, plan to just drive over there and see. So made a back up plan of going to the King of Prussia mall.
Saw mail from Eva. composed reply not sure if there is any use to trying to talk or send reply to someone who has a great Chinese wall towards what ever I say.
I wish I could call her and just talk casually as friends with out fear of her getting upset or angry at anything I say. Or only if she could just give me a call. Its so filled up with the stress of Uncertainty of what each is thinking and what her mood is.
She seems to pissed off at me, all because of the mail and contact with Amit and telling him all the history that was involved how she behaved and hurt me at the polish hall by rather drinking with Igor than dancing with me. etc, etc. Which was all my side of the story and I specifically asked him to listen to her side of the story with an open mind and give us some kind of constructive feed back if possible. What he did in the heat of the emotional moment caused her to go on some kind of illusion about what I told.
How I classified her going out meeting so many guys as dating and she was thinking that it was not a date. And Amit in turn been the typical Indian guy constructed it as her been a slut. To the Indian guys, Nilesh, I am sure her friends rishit and mihi too, any girl who has multiple partners or dates multile people is a slut. They may not tell to her face, but when they talk among themselves they will surely be using those terms.
They do not understand that dating is equal to Indian guys and gals going and seeing each other with their parents organizing and supervising the meeting in India to check out if they like each other and. But in the US and west its how men and women meet and check out the possibility on their own. And its called dating, meeting for lunch, dinner. going out for a drink, or a dance, or inviting over for one on one barbecue.
Atleast I don't see any thing wrong in dating multiple people when they are single. They may just meet up as freinds for casual coffee , to dinner, a conversation and if there is some thing, they may explore further.
But if they commit to someone and become a couple. Those meetings and accepting drinks from guys or Guys buying drinks for gals should not happen.
As long as they are single, its okay to do it. And if they do it after been in a relationship then they are breaking the rules of the relationship and not respecting their partner. And that also means that they are been in a relationship and they are also looking at possibly another one. Which to me is not fair to the current relationship. Either you are in the relationship and be focused totally on your partner and making the relationship working or just get out of it and then go around dating again. Just don't sit on the fence trying to enjoy the benefits of relationship and also trying to enjoy the perks of been single and looking.
Not sure if Eva ever understood this part of what I believe and what I think about relationship. Even she thought that I termed her bad because I used the word dating. Well you can convince yourself with what ever to fool yourself.
Reached at the hike. around 12:45pm and met up with a group of people and the organizer Sidney of the hike. Very interesting group of people. All from in and around Philly.
There were 2 indian gals. Malini who came all the way from Princeton new jersey. And Manisha (gujju) who moved to Philly from Washington DC.
In the beginning all the other guys seem to be trying to get Malini's attention. As she is good looking and also seemed very friendly and very intelligent. I was not interested at all.
Then latter during the hike she came over to me and we started talking.
It was interesting connecting with Malini as she was from Coimbatore came to do her master about 8 years ago and now works as a Certified Accounts Auditor .
The best part was that she dances salsa . During the course of the hike we got to talk a lot about different cultures, our culture, our experience with hiking and connected well.
I told her I am new to this and dont have much experience as I started hiking with a salsa group in Vancouver about 3 years ago. She was hiking since her school time.
We exchanged numbers after the hike and if we our schedules match we may meet up at the Salsa places for salsa or meet up next week or so for more hiking by the same group. Wanted to go out to Brasil again tonite, but it was a 2 to 3 hrs of driving for her from New Jersey. So maybe some other time.
This is the second south Indian girl I am meeting in Philly who is into Sasla with in 15 hrs.
We went around a great many number of little hills and nature and also saw some very exceptional unique house construction design in the interior of the hiking trails.
Back home by 6pm. Should I go for another night of dancing... maybe... hmmm hmmm ;)
**************************
Woke up late after a night out in Philly. Beautiful day outside. So was looking at all the hiking groups. There was one close to Lansdale, about 20 miles. Bridlewild hike.
Not sure how the group is or where they will be meeting, plan to just drive over there and see. So made a back up plan of going to the King of Prussia mall.
Saw mail from Eva. composed reply not sure if there is any use to trying to talk or send reply to someone who has a great Chinese wall towards what ever I say.
I wish I could call her and just talk casually as friends with out fear of her getting upset or angry at anything I say. Or only if she could just give me a call. Its so filled up with the stress of Uncertainty of what each is thinking and what her mood is.
She seems to pissed off at me, all because of the mail and contact with Amit and telling him all the history that was involved how she behaved and hurt me at the polish hall by rather drinking with Igor than dancing with me. etc, etc. Which was all my side of the story and I specifically asked him to listen to her side of the story with an open mind and give us some kind of constructive feed back if possible. What he did in the heat of the emotional moment caused her to go on some kind of illusion about what I told.
How I classified her going out meeting so many guys as dating and she was thinking that it was not a date. And Amit in turn been the typical Indian guy constructed it as her been a slut. To the Indian guys, Nilesh, I am sure her friends rishit and mihi too, any girl who has multiple partners or dates multile people is a slut. They may not tell to her face, but when they talk among themselves they will surely be using those terms.
They do not understand that dating is equal to Indian guys and gals going and seeing each other with their parents organizing and supervising the meeting in India to check out if they like each other and. But in the US and west its how men and women meet and check out the possibility on their own. And its called dating, meeting for lunch, dinner. going out for a drink, or a dance, or inviting over for one on one barbecue.
Atleast I don't see any thing wrong in dating multiple people when they are single. They may just meet up as freinds for casual coffee , to dinner, a conversation and if there is some thing, they may explore further.
But if they commit to someone and become a couple. Those meetings and accepting drinks from guys or Guys buying drinks for gals should not happen.
As long as they are single, its okay to do it. And if they do it after been in a relationship then they are breaking the rules of the relationship and not respecting their partner. And that also means that they are been in a relationship and they are also looking at possibly another one. Which to me is not fair to the current relationship. Either you are in the relationship and be focused totally on your partner and making the relationship working or just get out of it and then go around dating again. Just don't sit on the fence trying to enjoy the benefits of relationship and also trying to enjoy the perks of been single and looking.
Not sure if Eva ever understood this part of what I believe and what I think about relationship. Even she thought that I termed her bad because I used the word dating. Well you can convince yourself with what ever to fool yourself.
Reached at the hike. around 12:45pm and met up with a group of people and the organizer Sidney of the hike. Very interesting group of people. All from in and around Philly.
There were 2 indian gals. Malini who came all the way from Princeton new jersey. And Manisha (gujju) who moved to Philly from Washington DC.
In the beginning all the other guys seem to be trying to get Malini's attention. As she is good looking and also seemed very friendly and very intelligent. I was not interested at all.
Then latter during the hike she came over to me and we started talking.
It was interesting connecting with Malini as she was from Coimbatore came to do her master about 8 years ago and now works as a Certified Accounts Auditor .
The best part was that she dances salsa . During the course of the hike we got to talk a lot about different cultures, our culture, our experience with hiking and connected well.
I told her I am new to this and dont have much experience as I started hiking with a salsa group in Vancouver about 3 years ago. She was hiking since her school time.
We exchanged numbers after the hike and if we our schedules match we may meet up at the Salsa places for salsa or meet up next week or so for more hiking by the same group. Wanted to go out to Brasil again tonite, but it was a 2 to 3 hrs of driving for her from New Jersey. So maybe some other time.
This is the second south Indian girl I am meeting in Philly who is into Sasla with in 15 hrs.
We went around a great many number of little hills and nature and also saw some very exceptional unique house construction design in the interior of the hiking trails.
Back home by 6pm. Should I go for another night of dancing... maybe... hmmm hmmm ;)
Friday, June 4, 2010
Friday, SALSA night
FRIDAY June-04-2010
=====================
After the run yesterday night it was a great sleep. Woke up early did some light work out. Feel energised.
Got to work early. And attended the call with Calcutta at 7am. And i got the parking very close to the Gate and door of Building 39. Thou I got delayed by the train passing. Tomorrow need to try to get out of the house before 6:45am.
Was thinking about Ajits words about relationship from yesterday evenings conversation. Well what can I say. IF only her serene royal highness EVA was open to it, I could try to work it out. But now with the way communication is cut off and not knowing what is really happening to her or what she is really feeling and thinking. I am helpless.
If only she would give me some indication of wanting to try. I would just be so happy to get her back with me and work it out like a strong Indian marriage.
Not really sure How she says we are not a good team. When it was she who was behaving in the selfish way of not caring for anything but her own needs and that was causing major issues. As a team it was just a question of time and realization that we could have learnt from each other.
While I was been the most adjusting person in the whole world. All the guys said, she is not ment for you, you can get a better person who will treat you with more respect and value.
Even advise me against going on the long trip with somone I have no more than 6 months of history with. But i adjusted and accepted her words and wishes to see how that would go. Gave up a great part of my career and income doing that. And at a time when I hardly had any worthy savings.
And the next few months I was trying like crazy to not spend, eat less and many things like that to avoid becoming homeless. Lucky that the market picked up in Feb March as expected or I would have become a homeless guy or would have had to take up some minimum wages job again. All because I choose to spend time with my love in US over trying for the jobs during Sep. That was so un-practicle of me.
It feels sick to be giving up after so much of troubles. Especially when it was so close to me getting a good and steady job and more sense of security to give her the world.
Hope that she soon has some kind of change of mind and thinking and will get back to me or make some effort to contact me.
Well Friday night, I think I will just take Chakris advice and go out dancing and hunting. So far the girls in Philly salsa scene seem to be having a much more better attitude than the snobbish ones in Vancouver.
I have seen good dancers dancing with beginner guys and it felt so different from the attitude and expression from the Vancouver crowd.
Lets see so far I was been reserved and did not want anyone to take Evas spot in my heart. I guess I have to loosen up and be open to nature and the possibilities. One of the girls maybe just the right one. Just like Chakri and Ajit said yesterday.. Have to take risk. Just have to stop feeling guilty and loyal to Eva.
Maybe just make friends and see how that goes. Tonite OUT SALSA.
Afternoon head back home and try to connect to work remotly and call up help desk as I was not able to access the pin.
Spend about 1 hr for that on the skype with call center person at mexico city. Then because of the bad connection on skype he called me on my cell phone. Resolved the issue.
Tried getting into ipay was not able to.
saw the motivating words on evas salvador blog. good one.
If only she ....
3:pm get back to office. nothing much to do other than browse. And now filled with a sense of uncertainity.
4:40pm feeling sleepy and tired from yesterday nights run for 3 kms. It was a wel phased run.
Around 6:pm it was kind of lazy time and everyone was just chatting and making plans for the weekend get away with their family. Except me who was only thinking about salsa and joining a Group hiking to some wonderful garden. So far there seem to be more ladies than men in that hiking group. Lets see if I can convert any of them around to Salsa dancers.
6:30 Rajshekar wanted a ride to the liquor store close to my house, take him there and then invite him over to my place. Fix a Cosmopolitan. Vodka and canberry juice for him. His first Cosmopolitan. Talk for some time, he tells me how he met and married his wife, who has a masters in Electrical Engineering and is Teacher in a Government College near to Hyderabad. And she is on a extended leave staying with him here in US for the past 1 year.
They hope to go back as they rather be with parents and family than live life here. Then I tell him about how I ended up here after a long struggle and how I was thinking of going to India and maybe get married to Eva earlier, but how situation suddenly changed and I am no longer going to India thru Cognizant.
What will happen in the future, I don't know, but I tried like no man would ever try, killing my ego and self-respect. Only to be treated more coldly, the more I seem to try the more I was treated with dis-respect.
And when she told me that she will be sad if we break up, I like a fool was feeling guilty aned was trying to make her feel better and trying my best to make up for having suggested such a silly thing that it won't work between us if we continue.
Atleast now we got to see how each of us treats the other under the reversed conditions.
That in itself is a great measure and indicator of who is what in our relationship.
Anyways go and drop him off at his house and return to write the blog before stepping out. 8:20 pm now. going out to down town. :)
Got to meet the first Indian girl Archana, in Philly salsa secene. She moved here from Seattle and is working in Philly. She was an amazing dancer and she looked smoking hot too. Basically from Chennai (madras).
=====================
After the run yesterday night it was a great sleep. Woke up early did some light work out. Feel energised.
Got to work early. And attended the call with Calcutta at 7am. And i got the parking very close to the Gate and door of Building 39. Thou I got delayed by the train passing. Tomorrow need to try to get out of the house before 6:45am.
Was thinking about Ajits words about relationship from yesterday evenings conversation. Well what can I say. IF only her serene royal highness EVA was open to it, I could try to work it out. But now with the way communication is cut off and not knowing what is really happening to her or what she is really feeling and thinking. I am helpless.
If only she would give me some indication of wanting to try. I would just be so happy to get her back with me and work it out like a strong Indian marriage.
Not really sure How she says we are not a good team. When it was she who was behaving in the selfish way of not caring for anything but her own needs and that was causing major issues. As a team it was just a question of time and realization that we could have learnt from each other.
While I was been the most adjusting person in the whole world. All the guys said, she is not ment for you, you can get a better person who will treat you with more respect and value.
Even advise me against going on the long trip with somone I have no more than 6 months of history with. But i adjusted and accepted her words and wishes to see how that would go. Gave up a great part of my career and income doing that. And at a time when I hardly had any worthy savings.
And the next few months I was trying like crazy to not spend, eat less and many things like that to avoid becoming homeless. Lucky that the market picked up in Feb March as expected or I would have become a homeless guy or would have had to take up some minimum wages job again. All because I choose to spend time with my love in US over trying for the jobs during Sep. That was so un-practicle of me.
It feels sick to be giving up after so much of troubles. Especially when it was so close to me getting a good and steady job and more sense of security to give her the world.
Hope that she soon has some kind of change of mind and thinking and will get back to me or make some effort to contact me.
Well Friday night, I think I will just take Chakris advice and go out dancing and hunting. So far the girls in Philly salsa scene seem to be having a much more better attitude than the snobbish ones in Vancouver.
I have seen good dancers dancing with beginner guys and it felt so different from the attitude and expression from the Vancouver crowd.
Lets see so far I was been reserved and did not want anyone to take Evas spot in my heart. I guess I have to loosen up and be open to nature and the possibilities. One of the girls maybe just the right one. Just like Chakri and Ajit said yesterday.. Have to take risk. Just have to stop feeling guilty and loyal to Eva.
Maybe just make friends and see how that goes. Tonite OUT SALSA.
Afternoon head back home and try to connect to work remotly and call up help desk as I was not able to access the pin.
Spend about 1 hr for that on the skype with call center person at mexico city. Then because of the bad connection on skype he called me on my cell phone. Resolved the issue.
Tried getting into ipay was not able to.
saw the motivating words on evas salvador blog. good one.
If only she ....
3:pm get back to office. nothing much to do other than browse. And now filled with a sense of uncertainity.
4:40pm feeling sleepy and tired from yesterday nights run for 3 kms. It was a wel phased run.
Around 6:pm it was kind of lazy time and everyone was just chatting and making plans for the weekend get away with their family. Except me who was only thinking about salsa and joining a Group hiking to some wonderful garden. So far there seem to be more ladies than men in that hiking group. Lets see if I can convert any of them around to Salsa dancers.
6:30 Rajshekar wanted a ride to the liquor store close to my house, take him there and then invite him over to my place. Fix a Cosmopolitan. Vodka and canberry juice for him. His first Cosmopolitan. Talk for some time, he tells me how he met and married his wife, who has a masters in Electrical Engineering and is Teacher in a Government College near to Hyderabad. And she is on a extended leave staying with him here in US for the past 1 year.
They hope to go back as they rather be with parents and family than live life here. Then I tell him about how I ended up here after a long struggle and how I was thinking of going to India and maybe get married to Eva earlier, but how situation suddenly changed and I am no longer going to India thru Cognizant.
What will happen in the future, I don't know, but I tried like no man would ever try, killing my ego and self-respect. Only to be treated more coldly, the more I seem to try the more I was treated with dis-respect.
And when she told me that she will be sad if we break up, I like a fool was feeling guilty aned was trying to make her feel better and trying my best to make up for having suggested such a silly thing that it won't work between us if we continue.
Atleast now we got to see how each of us treats the other under the reversed conditions.
That in itself is a great measure and indicator of who is what in our relationship.
Anyways go and drop him off at his house and return to write the blog before stepping out. 8:20 pm now. going out to down town. :)
Got to meet the first Indian girl Archana, in Philly salsa secene. She moved here from Seattle and is working in Philly. She was an amazing dancer and she looked smoking hot too. Basically from Chennai (madras).
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Day of farewell
Thursday, JUN-03-2010
_______________________
Get up early, and reach work early. Felt so nice to be at work so early. Again the conf call with off shore Indians in Calcutta (kolkata). Was a big bore. The people there I was told were the most closed minded people with the never dying Communistic Tendency. Over 50 years of Elected Communist rule. Only state in India with the longest Communist govt.
All these guys do all day is, smoke like a chimney and keep drinking lots of tea and chat and chat and chat. Very typical of the Laziness that is bred by the security of the Government taking care of everything. Maybe its the same in France and other countries. Part of Kerala also is like that. With the Communist govt coming to power 50 percent of the time.
Wish there was some way to make Eva understand and work out our life. Every one has some kind of issues, our issues were so external to our personal living problems.
I think we were more understanding in our day to day life of compromising and living as a couple, practical about our expense and luxirious, careful and responsible about each others needs for daily adjustments and living from the early morning use of wash room, break fast, food, sleep, temp adjustment in the room, etc.
One issue with her was me watching TV and she considered that ignoring her needs. Well that was my relaxation after a hard day of continous driving while she slept in the car.
But the wider issues turned up at our clash of the ideology of living life and association with others and the issues of boundaries to be maintained with people we are not in a relationship with.
IF we are to live as a family we would probably be helping each other in our difficulties and helping each other to over come our difficulties in our individual areas of life.
And in the insecurity of the future, we got to see that, each seems to think that the other does not trust them or care for them. Each had a different scale to measure the love for the other. I was basing on her tendecy to spend more time with others as a sign that she was not that interested in me and her tendency to rather go to sleep when talking with me and seem to be very active and excited when she seems to want to go out and dance.
And she was expectin me to be there everytime she came online after her partying and be there to make her feel good.
she never understood the fact that on Feb 14 valentines day, I was totally glued to the computer hoping and waiting that she would come online and I would be able to wish her face to face on skype. But she just went out partied with whoever and just went to bed or did what ever she did or she was feeling guilty of something she did.
And directly accused me of been a bad boy friend for not sending her a message on facebook with wishes. hahaha.. so easy it was for her to accuse me. Maybe it was her own guilty conscious that caused her to doubt my sincere love and ignored the fact that I must have been waiting to wish her face to face on video chat.
well what ever, she sure was not lucky to know the depth and sincerity of my love and dedication for her.
Opportunity she lost or rather choose not to experience.
foolish me is still trying to compromise. And the more I try the more she seems to take me for granted. And reached such a low point that I felt stripped of my self respect and diginity.
She did not force me, but I choose that in the interest of my love for her and the hope of our future relationship.
Atleast I know, now to what extend I can go for the sake of my love. Love which she is probably not ready to experience or is not destined for.
Well its a great day outside, was having a huge smile and feeling of weight off my shoulders.
Saw her blog and she seems to be moving to a new flat. Atleast she is able to live with a group of people and keep herself busy.
Now I am wondering how come she seems to have enough money to spend for a second trip to India and for the US trip she was saying she did not have much.
And I who did not have much, ended up spending the last few thousands I had on the trip hoping that I would rather spend on my love and maybe even go hungry latter without money.
So many hidden factors coming out now. And she thought that I took more money from her than I should and must have manipulated the figures. wow!. how she easily forgot that I paid for half her flight charges too.
Maybe all this issue with trust was with her, and I was so foolishly and blindly trusting her.
This should be a good learning lesson for me to look out for the red flags at places like this.
Oh god its so confusing and painful to suddenly see so many more of in-sincere and manipulation from someone who I madly fell in love with..
12:00 go out with the others to Indian restaurant "Aman", it was for Suvendu going back to India and the Kalkata(culcatta) office. IT was his Farewell lunchon. The restaurant had good ambience, as usual buffet, small but good combination. get back by 2pm.
4 to 5 meeting to improve process and reduce time and confusion during various phases of project.
5:30 go over to Ajit the Delivery Manager for the project and talk to him again about my role in the project and how I am feeling rusted as I have been just sitting idle for two months and getting paid like a big fat duck. He tells me well we are getting paid, you are getting paid. Be patient, there is a reason why the client needs you here.
Then I go to his cabin and ask him about SAP CRM opening in the Bangalore office, he tries to discourage me from changing the group as I will get lower level and not manager level. I say, I am fine with it. But said he will try to talk with other people and see. Feel like that he is giving me just fake words. I said, my conditions have changed thats why I did not want to go to Bangalore now.
As in the begining I was crazy in love and wanted it badly. I tried my best to get her back, threw my ego and diginity aside to try to get her and the more I tried the more she was behaving like a over powerful person who was looking down at me like some cheap creature. He said, yes I can see that, the more you try to be like that some people will always only take you for granted more.
He was trying to convince me to take some time off and go to india and get married or find some girl to get married. He said 80 percent of marriages are all about compromises. Everyone fights. Only very few are very lucky to be not fighting. I said yes, but I can only try so much. And it takes two willing persons to stick together no matter what and work HARD at making and relationship that works. That requires commitment, but when only one person is committed and the other persons mind is jumping all over the world and not able to be still and focused on the relationship, its not possible.
Then he goes on to tell me how he married in 14 days, just took a risk and married and now is happy with 2 kids and a house. He said Sometimes in life we have to take a risk and not go looking at the horoscope and things like that.. Yep I do agree, I was willing to take the risk and see how it works out, gave up own Self respect to make compromise with her but she is just not willing to even have a conversation with me. Life is like that. Hopefully this was not the person. As she did not seem to appreciate anything and the everything I did for her and our love.
9 pm go for a Run this time about 3kms Then get to the Gym and do Biking for 1 hr. about 11pm now time to hit the bed for an early day tomorrow. :)
_______________________
Get up early, and reach work early. Felt so nice to be at work so early. Again the conf call with off shore Indians in Calcutta (kolkata). Was a big bore. The people there I was told were the most closed minded people with the never dying Communistic Tendency. Over 50 years of Elected Communist rule. Only state in India with the longest Communist govt.
All these guys do all day is, smoke like a chimney and keep drinking lots of tea and chat and chat and chat. Very typical of the Laziness that is bred by the security of the Government taking care of everything. Maybe its the same in France and other countries. Part of Kerala also is like that. With the Communist govt coming to power 50 percent of the time.
Wish there was some way to make Eva understand and work out our life. Every one has some kind of issues, our issues were so external to our personal living problems.
I think we were more understanding in our day to day life of compromising and living as a couple, practical about our expense and luxirious, careful and responsible about each others needs for daily adjustments and living from the early morning use of wash room, break fast, food, sleep, temp adjustment in the room, etc.
One issue with her was me watching TV and she considered that ignoring her needs. Well that was my relaxation after a hard day of continous driving while she slept in the car.
But the wider issues turned up at our clash of the ideology of living life and association with others and the issues of boundaries to be maintained with people we are not in a relationship with.
IF we are to live as a family we would probably be helping each other in our difficulties and helping each other to over come our difficulties in our individual areas of life.
And in the insecurity of the future, we got to see that, each seems to think that the other does not trust them or care for them. Each had a different scale to measure the love for the other. I was basing on her tendecy to spend more time with others as a sign that she was not that interested in me and her tendency to rather go to sleep when talking with me and seem to be very active and excited when she seems to want to go out and dance.
And she was expectin me to be there everytime she came online after her partying and be there to make her feel good.
she never understood the fact that on Feb 14 valentines day, I was totally glued to the computer hoping and waiting that she would come online and I would be able to wish her face to face on skype. But she just went out partied with whoever and just went to bed or did what ever she did or she was feeling guilty of something she did.
And directly accused me of been a bad boy friend for not sending her a message on facebook with wishes. hahaha.. so easy it was for her to accuse me. Maybe it was her own guilty conscious that caused her to doubt my sincere love and ignored the fact that I must have been waiting to wish her face to face on video chat.
well what ever, she sure was not lucky to know the depth and sincerity of my love and dedication for her.
Opportunity she lost or rather choose not to experience.
foolish me is still trying to compromise. And the more I try the more she seems to take me for granted. And reached such a low point that I felt stripped of my self respect and diginity.
She did not force me, but I choose that in the interest of my love for her and the hope of our future relationship.
Atleast I know, now to what extend I can go for the sake of my love. Love which she is probably not ready to experience or is not destined for.
Well its a great day outside, was having a huge smile and feeling of weight off my shoulders.
Saw her blog and she seems to be moving to a new flat. Atleast she is able to live with a group of people and keep herself busy.
Now I am wondering how come she seems to have enough money to spend for a second trip to India and for the US trip she was saying she did not have much.
And I who did not have much, ended up spending the last few thousands I had on the trip hoping that I would rather spend on my love and maybe even go hungry latter without money.
So many hidden factors coming out now. And she thought that I took more money from her than I should and must have manipulated the figures. wow!. how she easily forgot that I paid for half her flight charges too.
Maybe all this issue with trust was with her, and I was so foolishly and blindly trusting her.
This should be a good learning lesson for me to look out for the red flags at places like this.
Oh god its so confusing and painful to suddenly see so many more of in-sincere and manipulation from someone who I madly fell in love with..
12:00 go out with the others to Indian restaurant "Aman", it was for Suvendu going back to India and the Kalkata(culcatta) office. IT was his Farewell lunchon. The restaurant had good ambience, as usual buffet, small but good combination. get back by 2pm.
4 to 5 meeting to improve process and reduce time and confusion during various phases of project.
5:30 go over to Ajit the Delivery Manager for the project and talk to him again about my role in the project and how I am feeling rusted as I have been just sitting idle for two months and getting paid like a big fat duck. He tells me well we are getting paid, you are getting paid. Be patient, there is a reason why the client needs you here.
Then I go to his cabin and ask him about SAP CRM opening in the Bangalore office, he tries to discourage me from changing the group as I will get lower level and not manager level. I say, I am fine with it. But said he will try to talk with other people and see. Feel like that he is giving me just fake words. I said, my conditions have changed thats why I did not want to go to Bangalore now.
As in the begining I was crazy in love and wanted it badly. I tried my best to get her back, threw my ego and diginity aside to try to get her and the more I tried the more she was behaving like a over powerful person who was looking down at me like some cheap creature. He said, yes I can see that, the more you try to be like that some people will always only take you for granted more.
He was trying to convince me to take some time off and go to india and get married or find some girl to get married. He said 80 percent of marriages are all about compromises. Everyone fights. Only very few are very lucky to be not fighting. I said yes, but I can only try so much. And it takes two willing persons to stick together no matter what and work HARD at making and relationship that works. That requires commitment, but when only one person is committed and the other persons mind is jumping all over the world and not able to be still and focused on the relationship, its not possible.
Then he goes on to tell me how he married in 14 days, just took a risk and married and now is happy with 2 kids and a house. He said Sometimes in life we have to take a risk and not go looking at the horoscope and things like that.. Yep I do agree, I was willing to take the risk and see how it works out, gave up own Self respect to make compromise with her but she is just not willing to even have a conversation with me. Life is like that. Hopefully this was not the person. As she did not seem to appreciate anything and the everything I did for her and our love.
9 pm go for a Run this time about 3kms Then get to the Gym and do Biking for 1 hr. about 11pm now time to hit the bed for an early day tomorrow. :)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Courage
June-02-2010 Wednesday
*****************************
Get up early for conf call at 7am. got ready and all and ended up been the first person in the call. And as expected the team in India were a good 10 min late, came in 7:10am. Kris drove the meeting
Got to work, again the frist in. What a good motivator.
was checking facebook and chating with Beena. Good words of comfort from her. Told her about Eva and what not I tried to make comprise. Begged, crawled and put my ego to one side. Killed every ounce of my Ego and diginity.
Feel so much like a begger and useless person now. I hope no one has to go thru all this in their life. And will be able to preserve their own human diginity. Even if it is for the sake of love or great good.
`courage is the discovery that you may not win and trying when you know you can lose ` - Tom Krause
Well I guess I was courageous enough to have tried my best even thou I was not sure of anything and not sure how we will succeed, if at all we or it will succeed.
It took so much of will power to open up my heart and feelings to her and it felt that i reached and allowed myself and my feelings to be hurt again and again and my Ego, self-respect and diginity killed in the process.
A sense of been raped of my diginity and feel violated.
I choose (no one forced me) and I tried like no man ever did and may not do and should not do. And for relationship to work it takes two willing people.
I have been trying since the last week of Feb. But for some reason or the other Eva seems to want to give up and seemed not interested even to get her to talk to me, she made me beg and beg in the last week of Feb.
Maybe she already had some other master plan and hope of having an affair with Amit. So she made it look like its all my fault and in the process really started believing it and soon got lost and moved very far from the Real world.
Of course we were not fully honest with each other, she did not have to lie to me about Amit or many other things, I was the most understanding of people and also had my different opinion. Who does not have a different opinion.
And surely it felt so fake that she decided to break up saying that I don't trust her and said I called her an liar and that I should apologise..... such a sick twist of reality to manipuate. It was like she was just looking for a reason to fight and break up.
And it was fate that proved me right and even after that she continued in the direction of her moral downfall moving from amit to rishit to who else next . How long before she really realises the right path. Hope she does soon and not end up becoming some kind of Slut like amit stated.
I have forgiven her for all the cheap games she played and I am sure she does not realise it either that she has started believing that I am the person who is wrong in saying that we are not able to have honest conversation and then blaming me more for somthing Amit must have told her. Not once is she taking any responsibility for her actions. nor is she able to realise about the things she continues to do wrong.
That means all the great words that she seems to quote does not have any heart in it. Its just words she is using to make an impression to the outter world. Maybe it will attract lot of other people to her. But in the long run, people will soon realise that she is just another superficial person with just words and not really someone who believes in the words. No wonder Louis did not turn up on the last day and the iranian guy just left. And she is wondering why. Easy answer, its because of her superficiality.
I think this was something I was always trying to tell, her, why blame something else. Don't loose focus of the reality.
She always seem to blame something else or someone else. And her huge Ego seems to be so stuck in the idea that she is not at fault at all and never at fault at all and that she is so far from the truth of her own wrong assumptions or right from worng.
I was hoping sooner or latter she would be able to realise how to be humble and respect the powers of the universe and that of fate.
No one has conqured much thinking that they are the best and that they can do everything and anything. We are humans with our own limitations. And when I sincerely point out something, I am not doing that to hurt her or put her down in front of her friends, even thou she did that to me so openly on facebook.
I am just trying to get her, to see there is another point of view and that is something that comes from our own self examination and humbleness.
Well I tried and I am for now feeling lost. Lost without communication with her. So no way to work on the bad feelings that is between us and I can feel it in her words. So full of hate. She does not want to admit it, but her hate filled words seem to come thru so clearly.
will she ever realise the sequence of actions of hers or will she just be the Ego queen who will always think that she is right and end up believing in her own lies and never reach a state of humbleness and self understanding.
If only she was able to realise herself. hope it is not too late. Future will tell.
Got to call Sara today. kind off was too tired yesterday night to call and missed her late evening message. Hope I can provide Sara with some comfort and motivation. Atleast she seems to see me as a nice and caring person. Need to do good where people deserve it. Not at places where they treat you like some sick creature when you are trying to do good.
Oh why did I even bother about Evas well being during the US tirp and totally focus on her safety and the hrs I spent at all the places wondering if she was safe. While I should just have gone about carefree just like her and enjoyed. The Hiking does not matter, I just want to spend time with you, that is important for me. That is the biggest lie she told me. As she dumped me and the food and walked away on her all important trekk with in 24 hrs of landing in Seattle. Not even a word or I am going down, just dumped the food that I did not want in the first place and just walked away, Like I was not there and did not matter at all.
I feel like puking at my own idotic behavior of caring for someone who does not seem to care a bit about me or my wel being. A person so egoistic in her own desires that she does not even see how much I madly love her.
got to call delma and see how she is doing after i told her to work it out with her boyfriend and not to use double standards and fooling her own self, just like eva is doing. Hope she realised it and has the brains to let her ego to the side and compromise with him.
Reminds me of Kayes words, "we women don't know why we do somethings, it is strange. Men do things very logically and practically. "
call Chakri too, poor guy was struggling with his car. long time since we talked. One other person who thought that Eva had some strange ideas. Bobby said that he was puzzled by her talk. she just kept talking and talking. Atleast he was able to find a good girl.
Not many of the girls were able to identify with Evas thinking either, they thought that she was the product of some dysfunctional family and hence was confused and is struggling to find herself.
And after all these negative msgs from others, I still think that deep down there is a wonderful person, who is struggling to come out and is getting pushed down by her own Ego and the desire for some kind for high emotional happiness or excitment that she wants to feel. Some people go to get that in clubs, or on drugs. All short term. she seems to want that from a series of short term relationship rather than work on our relationship.
Will she forever be lost in the repetitive cycles of her relationship thinking that its a great experience or will she ever be able to reach the next level of been a family. Will she one day just make a harsh decision and get married to some weirdo to only want to jump out of it in a couple of months. It would be interesting to see how her past actions will affect her future. Well like I face the consquences of my actions, I hope she does not suffer much for her poor choices and confusions. I hope the goodness in her comes out more.
11:30am now, 30 mins of entering the blog after the status meeting from 10 to 11am. Looks like the MOC is having funding issues and will know about that part of the project going ahead tomorrow.
back to work
Called up Sara in the afternoon from work and left a msg. Same time get a msg from her on FB. Again we end up playing phone tag. :)))
Her FB msg was so sweet. How glad she is for having met me. And encouraging me with many other things. So nice to feel appreciated and acknowleged. Its so different from the other selfish people I seem to meet and fall for. Why is life so confusing.
The training got cancelled for the 2nd day consecutively.
Kriss is going to drop off his family at NY airport tomorrow morning so ask him to start off by 4am , others tell him 5am, he was planning on 7am. Their flight is at 11am and international boarding starts about 45 mins in advance. Check in by atleast 9am. Given the peak hours of the morning traffic into Manhattan. And the traffic choke up in the capital city of the world. He does not seem to realize the in bound traffic.
Around 7pm reach home, try to relax and then see couple of text msgs from Sara about missed calls.
8:45 pm go for a run around pennbrook pkwy. As its almost sun set, there I get to see fireflies dancing around the lawns and the trees. Sweet nature, Don't remember seeing fireflies since I was a kid back home. That is a good sign. Just like the sign in the movie Avatar.
Return back after running about 2 kms. was sweating a lot as I was running after a very long time. Get out on to the balcony as it feels a bit cooler there. Get out my portable chair and sit out. Was thinking again of my life and how it had reached such a low point emotionally that I threw away all my self-respect and diginity trying to compromise with a person who was just lying to me and making me crawl and beg and treat me colder than any cheap creature. Why did I end up falling in love with someone who did not treat me right and continues to treat me worse than filth.
Suddenly I notice the leaves of the trees dancing to the music of the wind. The green leaves are brand new, as it just sprung out of the branches after the winter. And they seem to be happily celebrating their brief life.
I started thanking the god and the universe for the beautiful plants,
Thanked for the beautiful trees,
Thanked for the beautiful house I live in,
thanked for the good health that I have,
Thanked for the security of a well paying job.
Suddenly I noticed that my head that was kind of hanging down with shame and depression raised itself. Thankful for what I have made me unconsciously feel better about myself.
I looked up at the sky and
Thanked for the wide skies slowly revealing the beauty of the stars and the universe.
Why should I waste my time and energy trying to win the love of someone who is not thankful for my love and rather treated me and continues on the path of treating me worse and worse with every passing moment.
There are so many people who would love to be with me and appreciate me for so many things. I should focus on what I have and not let some one who does not appreciate a good thing in their life treat me and my sincere love as some shabby shit to be used and thrown away with cheap excuses. They don't deserve me or my love.
Talked with Chakri after seeing his comment on FB. He was really motivating and encouraging. Wanting me to go out and party like crazy and meet some hot chicks. As I was not motivated to go out for someone new into my life.
*****************************
Get up early for conf call at 7am. got ready and all and ended up been the first person in the call. And as expected the team in India were a good 10 min late, came in 7:10am. Kris drove the meeting
Got to work, again the frist in. What a good motivator.
was checking facebook and chating with Beena. Good words of comfort from her. Told her about Eva and what not I tried to make comprise. Begged, crawled and put my ego to one side. Killed every ounce of my Ego and diginity.
Feel so much like a begger and useless person now. I hope no one has to go thru all this in their life. And will be able to preserve their own human diginity. Even if it is for the sake of love or great good.
`courage is the discovery that you may not win and trying when you know you can lose ` - Tom Krause
Well I guess I was courageous enough to have tried my best even thou I was not sure of anything and not sure how we will succeed, if at all we or it will succeed.
It took so much of will power to open up my heart and feelings to her and it felt that i reached and allowed myself and my feelings to be hurt again and again and my Ego, self-respect and diginity killed in the process.
A sense of been raped of my diginity and feel violated.
I choose (no one forced me) and I tried like no man ever did and may not do and should not do. And for relationship to work it takes two willing people.
I have been trying since the last week of Feb. But for some reason or the other Eva seems to want to give up and seemed not interested even to get her to talk to me, she made me beg and beg in the last week of Feb.
Maybe she already had some other master plan and hope of having an affair with Amit. So she made it look like its all my fault and in the process really started believing it and soon got lost and moved very far from the Real world.
Of course we were not fully honest with each other, she did not have to lie to me about Amit or many other things, I was the most understanding of people and also had my different opinion. Who does not have a different opinion.
And surely it felt so fake that she decided to break up saying that I don't trust her and said I called her an liar and that I should apologise..... such a sick twist of reality to manipuate. It was like she was just looking for a reason to fight and break up.
And it was fate that proved me right and even after that she continued in the direction of her moral downfall moving from amit to rishit to who else next . How long before she really realises the right path. Hope she does soon and not end up becoming some kind of Slut like amit stated.
I have forgiven her for all the cheap games she played and I am sure she does not realise it either that she has started believing that I am the person who is wrong in saying that we are not able to have honest conversation and then blaming me more for somthing Amit must have told her. Not once is she taking any responsibility for her actions. nor is she able to realise about the things she continues to do wrong.
That means all the great words that she seems to quote does not have any heart in it. Its just words she is using to make an impression to the outter world. Maybe it will attract lot of other people to her. But in the long run, people will soon realise that she is just another superficial person with just words and not really someone who believes in the words. No wonder Louis did not turn up on the last day and the iranian guy just left. And she is wondering why. Easy answer, its because of her superficiality.
I think this was something I was always trying to tell, her, why blame something else. Don't loose focus of the reality.
She always seem to blame something else or someone else. And her huge Ego seems to be so stuck in the idea that she is not at fault at all and never at fault at all and that she is so far from the truth of her own wrong assumptions or right from worng.
I was hoping sooner or latter she would be able to realise how to be humble and respect the powers of the universe and that of fate.
No one has conqured much thinking that they are the best and that they can do everything and anything. We are humans with our own limitations. And when I sincerely point out something, I am not doing that to hurt her or put her down in front of her friends, even thou she did that to me so openly on facebook.
I am just trying to get her, to see there is another point of view and that is something that comes from our own self examination and humbleness.
Well I tried and I am for now feeling lost. Lost without communication with her. So no way to work on the bad feelings that is between us and I can feel it in her words. So full of hate. She does not want to admit it, but her hate filled words seem to come thru so clearly.
will she ever realise the sequence of actions of hers or will she just be the Ego queen who will always think that she is right and end up believing in her own lies and never reach a state of humbleness and self understanding.
If only she was able to realise herself. hope it is not too late. Future will tell.
Got to call Sara today. kind off was too tired yesterday night to call and missed her late evening message. Hope I can provide Sara with some comfort and motivation. Atleast she seems to see me as a nice and caring person. Need to do good where people deserve it. Not at places where they treat you like some sick creature when you are trying to do good.
Oh why did I even bother about Evas well being during the US tirp and totally focus on her safety and the hrs I spent at all the places wondering if she was safe. While I should just have gone about carefree just like her and enjoyed. The Hiking does not matter, I just want to spend time with you, that is important for me. That is the biggest lie she told me. As she dumped me and the food and walked away on her all important trekk with in 24 hrs of landing in Seattle. Not even a word or I am going down, just dumped the food that I did not want in the first place and just walked away, Like I was not there and did not matter at all.
I feel like puking at my own idotic behavior of caring for someone who does not seem to care a bit about me or my wel being. A person so egoistic in her own desires that she does not even see how much I madly love her.
got to call delma and see how she is doing after i told her to work it out with her boyfriend and not to use double standards and fooling her own self, just like eva is doing. Hope she realised it and has the brains to let her ego to the side and compromise with him.
Reminds me of Kayes words, "we women don't know why we do somethings, it is strange. Men do things very logically and practically. "
call Chakri too, poor guy was struggling with his car. long time since we talked. One other person who thought that Eva had some strange ideas. Bobby said that he was puzzled by her talk. she just kept talking and talking. Atleast he was able to find a good girl.
Not many of the girls were able to identify with Evas thinking either, they thought that she was the product of some dysfunctional family and hence was confused and is struggling to find herself.
And after all these negative msgs from others, I still think that deep down there is a wonderful person, who is struggling to come out and is getting pushed down by her own Ego and the desire for some kind for high emotional happiness or excitment that she wants to feel. Some people go to get that in clubs, or on drugs. All short term. she seems to want that from a series of short term relationship rather than work on our relationship.
Will she forever be lost in the repetitive cycles of her relationship thinking that its a great experience or will she ever be able to reach the next level of been a family. Will she one day just make a harsh decision and get married to some weirdo to only want to jump out of it in a couple of months. It would be interesting to see how her past actions will affect her future. Well like I face the consquences of my actions, I hope she does not suffer much for her poor choices and confusions. I hope the goodness in her comes out more.
11:30am now, 30 mins of entering the blog after the status meeting from 10 to 11am. Looks like the MOC is having funding issues and will know about that part of the project going ahead tomorrow.
back to work
Called up Sara in the afternoon from work and left a msg. Same time get a msg from her on FB. Again we end up playing phone tag. :)))
Her FB msg was so sweet. How glad she is for having met me. And encouraging me with many other things. So nice to feel appreciated and acknowleged. Its so different from the other selfish people I seem to meet and fall for. Why is life so confusing.
The training got cancelled for the 2nd day consecutively.
Kriss is going to drop off his family at NY airport tomorrow morning so ask him to start off by 4am , others tell him 5am, he was planning on 7am. Their flight is at 11am and international boarding starts about 45 mins in advance. Check in by atleast 9am. Given the peak hours of the morning traffic into Manhattan. And the traffic choke up in the capital city of the world. He does not seem to realize the in bound traffic.
Around 7pm reach home, try to relax and then see couple of text msgs from Sara about missed calls.
8:45 pm go for a run around pennbrook pkwy. As its almost sun set, there I get to see fireflies dancing around the lawns and the trees. Sweet nature, Don't remember seeing fireflies since I was a kid back home. That is a good sign. Just like the sign in the movie Avatar.
Return back after running about 2 kms. was sweating a lot as I was running after a very long time. Get out on to the balcony as it feels a bit cooler there. Get out my portable chair and sit out. Was thinking again of my life and how it had reached such a low point emotionally that I threw away all my self-respect and diginity trying to compromise with a person who was just lying to me and making me crawl and beg and treat me colder than any cheap creature. Why did I end up falling in love with someone who did not treat me right and continues to treat me worse than filth.
Suddenly I notice the leaves of the trees dancing to the music of the wind. The green leaves are brand new, as it just sprung out of the branches after the winter. And they seem to be happily celebrating their brief life.
I started thanking the god and the universe for the beautiful plants,
Thanked for the beautiful trees,
Thanked for the beautiful house I live in,
thanked for the good health that I have,
Thanked for the security of a well paying job.
Suddenly I noticed that my head that was kind of hanging down with shame and depression raised itself. Thankful for what I have made me unconsciously feel better about myself.
I looked up at the sky and
Thanked for the wide skies slowly revealing the beauty of the stars and the universe.
Why should I waste my time and energy trying to win the love of someone who is not thankful for my love and rather treated me and continues on the path of treating me worse and worse with every passing moment.
There are so many people who would love to be with me and appreciate me for so many things. I should focus on what I have and not let some one who does not appreciate a good thing in their life treat me and my sincere love as some shabby shit to be used and thrown away with cheap excuses. They don't deserve me or my love.
Talked with Chakri after seeing his comment on FB. He was really motivating and encouraging. Wanting me to go out and party like crazy and meet some hot chicks. As I was not motivated to go out for someone new into my life.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
New month Hope its a new better chapter
June-01-2010
Woke up late, after a late night of free salsa. Only a few girls were were there. Maybe they are all out for the long weekend. Most of the other girls were beginners and did not seem to know much about following.
checked mail to find eva had a more pleasent mail. Ended up exchanging a few mails with her. And in the process also realising one other factor for our frustarations was our lack of our acknowledging that nature and the universe is very much powerful and we are just puppets.
This lack of control to achieve our dreams and desires led to a lot of undercurrent behavior. And soon one thing led to another and instead of becoming an expression love and exploration of our love, we ended up making each others life miserable as possible.
what ever the subsequent actions led to, is all the pain and torture we had to go thru. And that of our parents.
Even thou I was very much in favour of working it out, her sudden break ups and flare of anger made it even more hurtful.
Her life I guess offered her a series of temptations. And it was just a matter of time before she succumbed to one of them. Not really realising that it was just an temporary out let she got. I still think that she is making a huge mistake with rishit. He is younger than her and just another rich kid who never really experienced the down side of life. Or just another player who got lucky with her.
If only she would have hooked up with Amit, who probably would have been a better match.
Or did she in all the confusion of the cultural shock, The severe heat. Just loose control of her strong character that I admired and succumed to the temptations and became a "bad" girl as she put it. and now her guilty consicious is troubling her everytime I remind her of the sincere and pure hearted person filled with naievity that she was. And that guilty consicious is making her more and more angry at me.
Even I was tempted in a few instances, but I guess I had a little more of circumstance and presence of mind to not let it slip more and was able to stop myself and stay focused because of my love for her.
Even thou the urge to just go and have physical connection with who ever I was connecting on a emotional level was over-whelming. I am glad that I did not fall for those short term rebound relationships.
It does not matter who did what, or who went in a direction that was good or bad. What ever it is and was required for us to find our true self.
what ever, it is, I still wish we could get back together as a couple and try to work it out between us. There is nothing we cannot talk with an open mind and not work out. Life is full of all kinds of stuff, but it is for us to decide on falling for the short term temptations or not. That defines our character and forms the foundations for our children to grow and build on. What kind of a role model would we be if we ourselfs are just character less and going around from one relationship to another like dogs.
It does not matter, what now. I just wish we can atleast be good friends and be able to communicate as two good individuals who I am very sure are very wonderful and have good basic foundations. And if again the same circumstances that brought us together thinks its time for us to become a couple we will, if not, circumstance and universe will take us in our own world of what ever it is that we are destined to be.
Got to work late around 9:30am and no one seems to care. I am not sure about this kind of easy life. I am used to been busy and working to make things happen.
the stock market seems to be doing its own, with the world economy and the oil spill in the south east of US. Natural and man made calamities that is destroying parts of the world.
Now its about 12:35 pm, need to go to the post office and buy stamps and send out the already late Utility bill and send the check that I got for speeding.
Got stamps from the post office and pôsted the letter.
Got home and the room temp is like 84 deg F. That is just about 29 deg C and it feels so hot. Oh god thanks for saving me from the Indian heat of 40 deg C plus.
Heated up the tamarind rice from the temple and then ate the bannana I got as prasadam from the temple.
1:35 making the next entry.
Also remembered that I forgot my iPhone at home. got it .... and then had a loodo or ladu again from the temple. That is the desert ,, yumm. :)
Was thinking about Evas facebook getting blocked in her company, is that some kind of message to her from nature and the universe, after she blocked me off and preventing me from seeing whats on her facebook and communicating with her. That was really a cold move on her part.
2:30pm meeting for R19. boring with one girl who is client side Business person. I was hoping to sleep and she was trying to talk to me and get my attention and I felt cornered. Had to humor her.
Then got txt msg from Sara B about her bad day, and that one of the customers complained about her and the managers made her cry. Now she is planning on giving a case against the managers. Poor girl seem to be getting all the bad end of the life. Hope her bad times will soon disappear and good times will be back in her life. If only I was in Vancouver, I could have provided her with some kind of emotional support. Across the land and time zone it feels so hopeless.
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