Thurs_day, May 27, 2010
****////****/////*****//////
Got up around 6: and went thru the motions of early morning process.
Decided to send a mail to Eva asking for reconcillation and hope to get back and try as a couple by living together.
Saw her blog, even she was feeling the same 2am her time was 4pm my time. She was feeling it across the ocean and world. the bad vibrations i was going thru.
somethings are unexplained and it is a sign of our connection and a symbol that thou we are far apart we are still connected and part of one body and soul.
Not sure what her mail will be, will she take time to think and process or will she just behave like an arrogant child and shoot it down, feeling the power. As i am the person who is letting my ego to one side and crawling on my knees to make our love bloosom into a wonderful flower of life.
It would be really a very sad day for me if she just rejects it coldly. IT would be very very hurtful to see all the emotion and dreams crushed for so many people, including our parents.
about 8:12 am now on the East coast , time to head off to work. And its a full moon day. Hope that there is a huge change in the stars for us in a positive direction.
Goto work around 9am. tough to find parking again parked at the 6th floor.
Got msg from Rao about he issue with the drivers license. Even he seems to be having problem with it. But of a different type than mine.
Saw her email reply on iPhone. not able to be sure what her state of mind is. Is she in denial of the connection. To me it is so evident, even at the start of our relationship.
And she seems to say that she feels like that on full moon. But the full moon is today in India not yesterday. I know she behaves moody on full moon days. And her friend also feeling bad. Well that could be another thing which only her friend knows better.
Sent her a reply from the iPhone not sure if it went thru.
To me it was just a question of waiting for time, for the bad phase of clouds to pass away and move into strength with the sunlight.
And there is no personal internet at work as they blocked it with fire wall.
:(
I really wish we could just talk things out like we always did and work it out like mature people and like every other couple who have issues with their relationship.
I still don't understand how she is accusing me of behaving bad by talking with Amit. If I wanted to do something bad, I would be doing something else and not talking with Amit, but doing bad to him too. But that is the opposite I was doing and did. How could she so mis understand me.
Yes i was feeling jealous that it is others there showing her the magic of India and not me. It was my dream and wish to be the one to be exploring the world of India with her as a life partner and also to explore Europe and the world.
there is always a motive behind any action, and that’s why in the legal system they have to establish motive before proving someone is guilty.
If that was my motive, Amit would not be the person I would have contacted to make her life horrible. Just one phone call from me would do that.
========== The mail I wanted to send her.............
I contacted Amit with the motive of seeing if there is a potential for our relationship to work out. And told him what my thoughts were and the things that happened And my opinion bout certain things and my stand on certain things. I specifically asked him to patiently listen to your side of the story when he was going to visit you the next week.
What he did after that surprised me. And I thought that he would and he also indicated that he would listen to your side of the detailed story and then try to find areas for correction.
But I think he out did himself and got emotionally carried away and directly asked you about your intentions. And the next day, he sent me a mail saying she must not have slept well. And even thou he screwed it up, he said he will also help correct it
"Don’t worry about the damage it has caused to your relationship with her. I will do the mending myself. I am pretty good at it and I back myself tremendously when it comes to healing up relationships"
That is his exact wording in the mail he send to me the next day. What happened after that level of connection between me and him I am not sure. As he stopped communicating too.
And I was even open to you both becoming a couple and imagining you been happy with someone who can fully take care of you and provide for you as a family. Do you think I would do that if I was feeling so possessive about you at that time and wanted revenge?. I would just have made a call made sure he would not. But I am not like that. And don't want to be like that or use things like that. That is the easy and despotic way of Hitler and Saddam.
================================
12:35 now had sent out an email to her to send her resume to me for possibly applying in Cognizant.
Going home to have food and make a second attempt if I can get the 2nd page of the letter from Social security.
Got the 2nd page of letter from Social security. Such a dis organised mess this name of mine is causing.
Get back to work by 4pm then 4:30 go for the meeting where there is no one.
need to get out at 6:30 for kannans sons birth day.
Got msg from kanana to help him pick up Indian food from Sultan restaurant. so off I go for the full moon night of partying and its Gautam Buddhas 2554th birth day too. Buddha purnima
7pm went to Sultan Restaurant and met with satwant the manager. Who is turning out to be a good friend of mine. As his parents are coming to Vancouver to his brothers house. And he is going there next week or the week after.
Anyway tell him about Kannan`s party order and then he tells me that he had told Kannan that its all cash deal. So I had to put back the credit card and luckily had $40 on me as the balance to pay. Have a good chat with Mr Satwant who wifes family owns the Restaurant. The foof here tastes much better than most of the Indian restaurants in Vancouver.
Around 7:30pm reach Kannans house and a few of the guys chip into help me unload all the food for about 30 people.
Well only about 6 guys among the 12 guys drink, so I became the official in charge of the drinks. It was the Johnny walker whisky that is so standard for all the Indian guys. And thou they had couple of bottles of Wine for the ladies, no one ventured to have it.
So very Indian, I am sure if Eva would have been here, she would have started it for all the ladies to have wine and lectured them about how great it is and tried to convert atleast a few.
But I was the only single guy and just only three other guys did not have kids. Felt odd to be among Indians who I work with for the frist time outside of India. And my first Indian kids birthday party outside of India, always heard stories about it and their social circle of Indian womens.
There was the typical cake cutting lots of pics been taken and as usual lots of food eaten.
At the end of the party the host gave each a gift in return. I had taken a gift of a automatic train that moves on rails for 3 year olds.
let me go check what gift I got back in return.
My gift is a drink flask and couple of chocolate bars and M& M packet. All given to be in a gift bag. Wow had I known this, I would have gotten a costlier gift. Now I feel I got back more than I gave and that makes me feel guilty.
Its about 11 pm and I am really buzzed with the 3 rounds of scotch whisky I had and thinking of the one and only Eva and how she would be feeling and imagining the look on her face. As she will be looking on and wondering how different these people live and how different she lives.
My sympathies will be with her as I think the same about all these parties by Indians in US trying to be more Indian in an American way.<<<<
Some of the kids there seemed so smart and so filled with potential. If the continue to live in US they will surely make a huge impact in the field they choose to be.
Well to be expected when hereditary wise they are the kids of some of the best brains in the world. Wonder how my kids will be.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Bills to pay.
Wednes_day, May 25, 2010
****////****/////*****//////
up around 6am, checking mails and trying to beat the time.
Need to pay up the bills and get things streamlined. Got to go to the Honda dealer and get quotes for the repair before sending claims to the moving company.
Beautiful day outside. Should I go out dancing tonite or no. It was excting last wednesday with the amount of compliments I got.
Now with no contact with Eva, I feel the urge to go out dancing, but still the guilty consicious of feeling as thou I am cheating on her. Well atleast I am not even asking the girls their name or number and not even asking them for second dance, only they are asking me.
It would have been so nice to have had Eva here, if only she was a bit patient and had belief in me and my ability to find a good job and then I would have felt confident to have got her here and provided for her like any good husband would do.
Just wished that she had the will and commitment to the relationship and not drifted off like a rudderless ship . Well it is with a great sense of feeling that we got both the families involved and just that she did not have it or she was also confused or frustrate or had other plans......
Don`t feel good to send her a mail. as she did not respond in any way to my previous.
I really really wish we could start fresh here in beautiful Lansdale by living together as a team. The trip did bring out the worst in us. Weird that we have our relationship backwards. Then she needs to have her mind open to it too. I think I did send her the mail mentioning that it would be nice to have her here and we could still use the national park pass before it expires.
May be I should plan a trip to Czech in July august, like she wanted and then come back here together. But such a trip would mean lots of pre-planning. And with the wall she seems to have put up. not sure if that is a possibility. If only she would open up communications.
7:45 ,,oo,,,,,oof to work.
The bigger question is has she learnt anything. Has living in india and been with Indian taught her anything at all?
I do see some changes of learning the art of acceptance and compromising. But to what extend has she been able to, given the demands (which are very valid) she made at her work. But most indians learn to let go and compromise and work around the issues.
She is right in standing up and putting her feet down on the basic requirements. But I am looking for the attitude of doing it without her getting angry, pushing for things to get done in a pleasent way. The way she behaves so sweetly when she really wants to. And not been the arrogant person who behaves like a dictator. If you don`t do it my way, I don`t care for you and what you do... that attitude only breeds more of that from others towards her.
Hope that she would atleast show me a sign or inclination to communicate with an email And then maybe I would be motivated to work on visiting Czeck and also asking her to come and live with me and see how we can work it out. With out the tensions and stress of travelling on a trip. I think we could have easily worked on our differences and reached amicable compromises had we not had the stress of long hrs of driving. Most issues need time to talk and digest and sink in to understand. And that I got to agree with her is only possible in the living room when both are in each others presence with the physical touch and emotional connection.
But with my own insecurities and doubts of been able to provide for her and not been able to guarantee a steady place to live in. It did not look like the right time then.
Now things have improved a bit. Feel a lot more confident about taking care of her and been responsible for our daily day to to day life.
But will she or will she not, or is she in love with someone else as I had seen the possibility of her doing it at the first available or is she still into Amit. I have no clue. How she seems to think its worthy enough to even rather fight with me than NOT keep kissing that guy Raymondo is a mystery, maybe she loves him more and thought that I am a person she can just take for granted and twist around as per her own needs and fantasies. And then drop at the first opportunity, like she did now.
But deep down I just think that its her own foolish girlish naivety of not knowing and understanding the priorities of life and relationship. The Sanctity of a relationship which I hold to a very high level and do not like it to be tarnished by any other entering or even getting close to having a chance at taking a shot at splitting us up.
Was she NOT on the same wave length of holding up the values I so cherish in a relationship? But that was an education her parents did not take time to induce into her like most other parents who had a steady relationship as an example.
10am Status meeting, told PM about the previous days meeting with Avaya and them just about starting off. Said will include me in the MOC meetings thats going to be set up.
2:00 head to DMV for 2nd attempt at license with the letter from Harrisburg validating my status in US .
After sitting there for an hour , that guy calls me. Then went thru my documents and after about a series of questions, validating my documents, lease, emplyoyee letter, towards the end he says, your SSN name does not match your drivers licence of Canada. Then I try to explain to him that when I first came to US in 2000 they did not have enough place to enter both my family name and hence I was asked to choose one, So I choose `v`.
Then in he went in to talk to his supervisor and came back saying that I need to go to the Social security dept and get my name in the Social Security changed.
Well here goes my series of obstruction to every work that I hope to get done. Which is not usually an issue for others. Its like some astrological curse on me and obstruction to all and everything that I try to do. No wonder Eva just gave up and ran away. Don`t blame her for not been able to put up with my screwed up life. It would have made her life miserable too.
Anyways with a little bit of hope thrown in, as he said that the social security office is about a few blocks. So drive over as soon as possible, make it into the door just as the security is closing the door. Was filling out the form when the lady calls me in and with my half completed form. she was sweet and heart warming enough to help me make the changes and fill out the form. She put the T in my last name and moved the Va into my first name along with V and then kept the middle name ku. So perfectly reflecting my full name as per the original Ind passport. She gave me a print out of the letter and said that the correct SSN will be coming to me after Immigration verification.
And gave me a letter to the same effect, which she said will be ok with the DMV.
She was so nice and sweet to me, she was like a great soothing sensation for all my troubles. I felt so grateful to her in the middle of all the harshness I am facing in my life, that I felt I would have asked her to marry me.
So I rush back by 4:15 to the DMV and sit out the last couple who were there. Then the guy calls me and when I showed him the letter he said, where is the second part. Grrrrrrr... ahhh again another hurdle. I Tell him she just gave me this part. But then it had the corrected name but not the SSN number.
Aaaaarrrrr for all the stressed up running around and all the issues with my name not matching the standard format of the US. And the short sightedness of the people who created the Social Security programs and the Canadian immigration programs.
What a mess it makes ones life.
Is it my fault to have my own name, keeping with the heritage and tradition of my family and its legacy?
With a head loaded with questions and no easy answer I return back.
The weather today is around 33 deg C. Sudden jump from the low 20s. Lots of people in mini skirts and very short pants.
Maybe I need a shot of sevovitza to calm my nerves. Have one shot and then a glass of Johnny walker with cold water.
Why is it that even for simple things, which usually is not a major issue with for anyone... that I end up having to go thru so many hurdles?????? why why???
And to top it off I am not seeing any movement in the side of Apex or satayam to pay me $4000 that they owe for work done in March. And I ended up spending from my pocket for my travel, hotel stay, and other expenses for the two weeks.
So sent them a threatening letter to go to the labour depart and complain about every one involved.
All these hurdles seem to pop up only in my life to cause more stress. Poor gal eva fell in love for the wrong guy ,,,,, lousy me. Is my life worth anything or is it just there to face trouble more and more. Not able to even visit my sweet parents for the past 4 years. They were even open to me marrying Eva thou it was not their preference, but what can a guy like me do who seems to be cursed at every step. Including been blocked on facebook by the only girl I am in love with madly. Blocked in such a way, now I don`t even know if she is alive or lost.... just for her updates on her blog.
How nice it would have been to have someone sweet enough to help me relax and be there to support me emotionally in my time of need. Would E have had it in her to be supporting or would she have just got angry and caused more issues and stress in my life. Atleast she escaped to India and is probably in love with someone who I hope will really be interested in marrying her and giving her a great life she so truly deserves.
Tomorrow its Kannans sons birth day and he has invited all to come over. It is an US - Indian way of using the kids birth day for all of them and their families to socialize and an opportunity to get drunk. Well it was funny I turned out to be the advisor to Kannan, who was going to keep the two bottles of red wine in the freezer. hehehe.. was wondering again what would be Evas reaction. Luckily he called me and got it out.
I think I will just go to wall mart and get a gift for his son.
arrrrr I just remember in between all this I forgot to have lunch and its 7:30. nice work . good job as eva says. :))))))
freaking life. I am tired of all the disappointments hitting me one after another. :((((
and hoping and wondering if all this uncertainty will every end.
****////****/////*****//////
up around 6am, checking mails and trying to beat the time.
Need to pay up the bills and get things streamlined. Got to go to the Honda dealer and get quotes for the repair before sending claims to the moving company.
Beautiful day outside. Should I go out dancing tonite or no. It was excting last wednesday with the amount of compliments I got.
Now with no contact with Eva, I feel the urge to go out dancing, but still the guilty consicious of feeling as thou I am cheating on her. Well atleast I am not even asking the girls their name or number and not even asking them for second dance, only they are asking me.
It would have been so nice to have had Eva here, if only she was a bit patient and had belief in me and my ability to find a good job and then I would have felt confident to have got her here and provided for her like any good husband would do.
Just wished that she had the will and commitment to the relationship and not drifted off like a rudderless ship . Well it is with a great sense of feeling that we got both the families involved and just that she did not have it or she was also confused or frustrate or had other plans......
Don`t feel good to send her a mail. as she did not respond in any way to my previous.
I really really wish we could start fresh here in beautiful Lansdale by living together as a team. The trip did bring out the worst in us. Weird that we have our relationship backwards. Then she needs to have her mind open to it too. I think I did send her the mail mentioning that it would be nice to have her here and we could still use the national park pass before it expires.
May be I should plan a trip to Czech in July august, like she wanted and then come back here together. But such a trip would mean lots of pre-planning. And with the wall she seems to have put up. not sure if that is a possibility. If only she would open up communications.
7:45 ,,oo,,,,,oof to work.
The bigger question is has she learnt anything. Has living in india and been with Indian taught her anything at all?
I do see some changes of learning the art of acceptance and compromising. But to what extend has she been able to, given the demands (which are very valid) she made at her work. But most indians learn to let go and compromise and work around the issues.
She is right in standing up and putting her feet down on the basic requirements. But I am looking for the attitude of doing it without her getting angry, pushing for things to get done in a pleasent way. The way she behaves so sweetly when she really wants to. And not been the arrogant person who behaves like a dictator. If you don`t do it my way, I don`t care for you and what you do... that attitude only breeds more of that from others towards her.
Hope that she would atleast show me a sign or inclination to communicate with an email And then maybe I would be motivated to work on visiting Czeck and also asking her to come and live with me and see how we can work it out. With out the tensions and stress of travelling on a trip. I think we could have easily worked on our differences and reached amicable compromises had we not had the stress of long hrs of driving. Most issues need time to talk and digest and sink in to understand. And that I got to agree with her is only possible in the living room when both are in each others presence with the physical touch and emotional connection.
But with my own insecurities and doubts of been able to provide for her and not been able to guarantee a steady place to live in. It did not look like the right time then.
Now things have improved a bit. Feel a lot more confident about taking care of her and been responsible for our daily day to to day life.
But will she or will she not, or is she in love with someone else as I had seen the possibility of her doing it at the first available or is she still into Amit. I have no clue. How she seems to think its worthy enough to even rather fight with me than NOT keep kissing that guy Raymondo is a mystery, maybe she loves him more and thought that I am a person she can just take for granted and twist around as per her own needs and fantasies. And then drop at the first opportunity, like she did now.
But deep down I just think that its her own foolish girlish naivety of not knowing and understanding the priorities of life and relationship. The Sanctity of a relationship which I hold to a very high level and do not like it to be tarnished by any other entering or even getting close to having a chance at taking a shot at splitting us up.
Was she NOT on the same wave length of holding up the values I so cherish in a relationship? But that was an education her parents did not take time to induce into her like most other parents who had a steady relationship as an example.
10am Status meeting, told PM about the previous days meeting with Avaya and them just about starting off. Said will include me in the MOC meetings thats going to be set up.
2:00 head to DMV for 2nd attempt at license with the letter from Harrisburg validating my status in US .
After sitting there for an hour , that guy calls me. Then went thru my documents and after about a series of questions, validating my documents, lease, emplyoyee letter, towards the end he says, your SSN name does not match your drivers licence of Canada. Then I try to explain to him that when I first came to US in 2000 they did not have enough place to enter both my family name and hence I was asked to choose one, So I choose `v`.
Then in he went in to talk to his supervisor and came back saying that I need to go to the Social security dept and get my name in the Social Security changed.
Well here goes my series of obstruction to every work that I hope to get done. Which is not usually an issue for others. Its like some astrological curse on me and obstruction to all and everything that I try to do. No wonder Eva just gave up and ran away. Don`t blame her for not been able to put up with my screwed up life. It would have made her life miserable too.
Anyways with a little bit of hope thrown in, as he said that the social security office is about a few blocks. So drive over as soon as possible, make it into the door just as the security is closing the door. Was filling out the form when the lady calls me in and with my half completed form. she was sweet and heart warming enough to help me make the changes and fill out the form. She put the T in my last name and moved the Va into my first name along with V and then kept the middle name ku. So perfectly reflecting my full name as per the original Ind passport. She gave me a print out of the letter and said that the correct SSN will be coming to me after Immigration verification.
And gave me a letter to the same effect, which she said will be ok with the DMV.
She was so nice and sweet to me, she was like a great soothing sensation for all my troubles. I felt so grateful to her in the middle of all the harshness I am facing in my life, that I felt I would have asked her to marry me.
So I rush back by 4:15 to the DMV and sit out the last couple who were there. Then the guy calls me and when I showed him the letter he said, where is the second part. Grrrrrrr... ahhh again another hurdle. I Tell him she just gave me this part. But then it had the corrected name but not the SSN number.
Aaaaarrrrr for all the stressed up running around and all the issues with my name not matching the standard format of the US. And the short sightedness of the people who created the Social Security programs and the Canadian immigration programs.
What a mess it makes ones life.
Is it my fault to have my own name, keeping with the heritage and tradition of my family and its legacy?
With a head loaded with questions and no easy answer I return back.
The weather today is around 33 deg C. Sudden jump from the low 20s. Lots of people in mini skirts and very short pants.
Maybe I need a shot of sevovitza to calm my nerves. Have one shot and then a glass of Johnny walker with cold water.
Why is it that even for simple things, which usually is not a major issue with for anyone... that I end up having to go thru so many hurdles?????? why why???
And to top it off I am not seeing any movement in the side of Apex or satayam to pay me $4000 that they owe for work done in March. And I ended up spending from my pocket for my travel, hotel stay, and other expenses for the two weeks.
So sent them a threatening letter to go to the labour depart and complain about every one involved.
All these hurdles seem to pop up only in my life to cause more stress. Poor gal eva fell in love for the wrong guy ,,,,, lousy me. Is my life worth anything or is it just there to face trouble more and more. Not able to even visit my sweet parents for the past 4 years. They were even open to me marrying Eva thou it was not their preference, but what can a guy like me do who seems to be cursed at every step. Including been blocked on facebook by the only girl I am in love with madly. Blocked in such a way, now I don`t even know if she is alive or lost.... just for her updates on her blog.
How nice it would have been to have someone sweet enough to help me relax and be there to support me emotionally in my time of need. Would E have had it in her to be supporting or would she have just got angry and caused more issues and stress in my life. Atleast she escaped to India and is probably in love with someone who I hope will really be interested in marrying her and giving her a great life she so truly deserves.
Tomorrow its Kannans sons birth day and he has invited all to come over. It is an US - Indian way of using the kids birth day for all of them and their families to socialize and an opportunity to get drunk. Well it was funny I turned out to be the advisor to Kannan, who was going to keep the two bottles of red wine in the freezer. hehehe.. was wondering again what would be Evas reaction. Luckily he called me and got it out.
I think I will just go to wall mart and get a gift for his son.
arrrrr I just remember in between all this I forgot to have lunch and its 7:30. nice work . good job as eva says. :))))))
freaking life. I am tired of all the disappointments hitting me one after another. :((((
and hoping and wondering if all this uncertainty will every end.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Happy day again
TU_day, May 25, 2010
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*
Woke up around 6am and was aiming for work at 7am, but as usualy now its 8:03 and I am only just ready to get out.
Made masala tea and put in container to take to work, then the salmon curry packed for lunch.
Saw the touching reply from Lubo and Martha. again felt like crying . ahhh so nice people.
just got on to the net to check imp mails and checked e`s blog and saw a reply. Felt happy to connect with her. She is the sweetest when she wants to be, and at that time I feel like conquering the world for her. I hope she always remains the sweet girl I fell madly in love with. Always happy.
Wish we could just get back together here in US, as its easier for her to come. Unlike in Canada, where I was not even sure of a job. And even my concern that I might end up in a place where she might not like turned out to be I am in a place she would love to be. with lots of nature and calmness. The city far away for the occasional salsa dancing.
yesterday I went out for some free salsa dancing, as usual the salsa crowd every where is cheap, they love free places to dance. More people turned out. Wished she was here to enjoy salsa than getting roasted and screwing up her health in the hottest city in India.
8:08 off to work.
Reached desk at 8:35, after struggling to find parking in the parking high raise building. Its surprising how many people turn up early with the hope to avoid traffic. And the indians working with me turn around 9:30am,, hehehe.
Saw that Evi had replied to another blog too. awww she is still the one I love. If only she loved me likewise.
Got to file the Claim for damage to my goods when it was been shipped to US. More concered about the damage to the car.
12:00 got the salmon curry rice from the car, heated it in the microwave and had a full stomach lunch.
Life seems to have changed in many ways, feel a bit more secure and also unsecure. Not sure what will happen, where the waves of future will take me.
Have stopped watching TV its been like more than 2 months now. did not even feel like watching TV when I was in Vancouver.
Eva will be proud to have brought about this change in me. As it goes with her thinking and life style.
Had meeting around 1 to 2pm with the middle ware team and was surprised to know that they have not yet decided on the design and approach for the MOC piece for the screen pop.
Well thats something we can start our work on soon.
Canada just had it long week end, this coming week end its going to be in the US. Other than going to NJ for narayans babys induction into the world of letters (education) ceremony at the temple on saturday. I have nothing planned out. Most of the guys are going around US to Niagra or New York or visiting some historic place, I don't seem to have much other than go out salsa dancing.
5pm training, got out around 7pm dropped off Raj at his house on the way.
wow that is like about 11 hrs at work. its now 7:20 and its bright outside.
Should I go for a run or do some light work out. I did some light work out in the morning.!!???.
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*
Woke up around 6am and was aiming for work at 7am, but as usualy now its 8:03 and I am only just ready to get out.
Made masala tea and put in container to take to work, then the salmon curry packed for lunch.
Saw the touching reply from Lubo and Martha. again felt like crying . ahhh so nice people.
just got on to the net to check imp mails and checked e`s blog and saw a reply. Felt happy to connect with her. She is the sweetest when she wants to be, and at that time I feel like conquering the world for her. I hope she always remains the sweet girl I fell madly in love with. Always happy.
Wish we could just get back together here in US, as its easier for her to come. Unlike in Canada, where I was not even sure of a job. And even my concern that I might end up in a place where she might not like turned out to be I am in a place she would love to be. with lots of nature and calmness. The city far away for the occasional salsa dancing.
yesterday I went out for some free salsa dancing, as usual the salsa crowd every where is cheap, they love free places to dance. More people turned out. Wished she was here to enjoy salsa than getting roasted and screwing up her health in the hottest city in India.
8:08 off to work.
Reached desk at 8:35, after struggling to find parking in the parking high raise building. Its surprising how many people turn up early with the hope to avoid traffic. And the indians working with me turn around 9:30am,, hehehe.
Saw that Evi had replied to another blog too. awww she is still the one I love. If only she loved me likewise.
Got to file the Claim for damage to my goods when it was been shipped to US. More concered about the damage to the car.
12:00 got the salmon curry rice from the car, heated it in the microwave and had a full stomach lunch.
Life seems to have changed in many ways, feel a bit more secure and also unsecure. Not sure what will happen, where the waves of future will take me.
Have stopped watching TV its been like more than 2 months now. did not even feel like watching TV when I was in Vancouver.
Eva will be proud to have brought about this change in me. As it goes with her thinking and life style.
Had meeting around 1 to 2pm with the middle ware team and was surprised to know that they have not yet decided on the design and approach for the MOC piece for the screen pop.
Well thats something we can start our work on soon.
Canada just had it long week end, this coming week end its going to be in the US. Other than going to NJ for narayans babys induction into the world of letters (education) ceremony at the temple on saturday. I have nothing planned out. Most of the guys are going around US to Niagra or New York or visiting some historic place, I don't seem to have much other than go out salsa dancing.
5pm training, got out around 7pm dropped off Raj at his house on the way.
wow that is like about 11 hrs at work. its now 7:20 and its bright outside.
Should I go for a run or do some light work out. I did some light work out in the morning.!!???.
Monday, May 24, 2010
want to over come the feeling
Mooonday, May 24, 2010
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*
woke up at 6 and was aiming for 7 to be at work. But as usual practical issues take over. now its 7:35 and just thought of updating the blog before I run out with my home cooked food. Which is yesterdays dinner. Salmon curry. The whole room is smelling of curry now. Lucky I closed the bedroom door, is it open now.. Damm it was, anyways closed it .
Was thinking about my feelings. Everytime I think of another gal, I feel as thou I am cheating on Eva. Why is that, she already dumped me and moved on to other guys. Why should I still feel like that? is it cause deep inside I still love her and wish that she would return, surely there is no hope, but there are wishes. Hope I could if she was even thinking like me.
How do I over come this feeling of not been true?
And if I try to hook up with someone for a rebound, even that would not be fair to the other person. Who might really love me and I would not be able to lover her back in return the same way. Ohh how do I over come this feeling???
8:00am reach work desk after parking.
12:00 have luch, which is my last night dinner.
What a life. Peaceful, yet something missing. The security, of living and hope for the next day. My life does not seem to have that thing called security, rather plenty of insecurity, just like the stock market. Up one day, down the next.
Got to start calling up the moving company and claim the damage and also call up geico about having sent the canadian drivers history.
Then bank for some reason they wanted me to call back.
just wondering if this is the real life I want. Feel home sick and with the news of Aunts sickness makes me feel really leathergic.
have to find optimism in something creative.
Called up Bank and got the green signal that nothing is bad and it was just a promo call.
Called up Katie at the Fry wagnor moving and same story of not picking up my call. left a msg about the damage.
Called up Geico and was told that they got my canadian history that i faxed and they need to check my US history. not sure if my premium will change cause of that.
Feel a bit relieve cause of that.
Changed address of Att to lansdale. Tried calling Anil regarding the bill for $96 he was talking about, as I don't see any online.
Sent out mail to Ajit and sangeeta regarding the issues with mrk timesheet.
2:30 called up katie again and got to her thru the receptionist paging her. Said Patty will contact me by tomorrow and have the documents to me for filing in the claims.
Checked E's blog, feels nice that she is getting into Meditation, hope her out look on life and her ability to control her angry outbursts improve. Much needed for her.
3:45 called up Radhish regarding the payment and he seems to be stalling for time. and said some rajshekar the HR guy from satyam is negotiating with them. Told him that I will just go to the labor court and complain about them all. And asked him to give me the email address of Rajshekar.
Tempted to send Eva a mail asking her again if she would like to try out been together in US and see how it all goes. Wish she would have been a bit more mature minded and not shoot to extremes like breaking up and then regreting it..... kind of unstable way of thinking by a person when we both were comitted to achieving the ultimate , marriage.
4:30 meeting
6:25 call up Niti Mehta of Apex-2000 regarding the status of my salary. and she was non-commitive and was trying to blame me. got irritate and told her that I did give enough notice unlike she is making it out to be. 703-961-0288 x 101.
Will wait for one more week, send out an official mail to her tonite with all the other concerned people involved. And look at the opitions of going to Labour Dept and complaining about them.
Gosh almost spent $4000 on all this.
/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*
woke up at 6 and was aiming for 7 to be at work. But as usual practical issues take over. now its 7:35 and just thought of updating the blog before I run out with my home cooked food. Which is yesterdays dinner. Salmon curry. The whole room is smelling of curry now. Lucky I closed the bedroom door, is it open now.. Damm it was, anyways closed it .
Was thinking about my feelings. Everytime I think of another gal, I feel as thou I am cheating on Eva. Why is that, she already dumped me and moved on to other guys. Why should I still feel like that? is it cause deep inside I still love her and wish that she would return, surely there is no hope, but there are wishes. Hope I could if she was even thinking like me.
How do I over come this feeling of not been true?
And if I try to hook up with someone for a rebound, even that would not be fair to the other person. Who might really love me and I would not be able to lover her back in return the same way. Ohh how do I over come this feeling???
8:00am reach work desk after parking.
12:00 have luch, which is my last night dinner.
What a life. Peaceful, yet something missing. The security, of living and hope for the next day. My life does not seem to have that thing called security, rather plenty of insecurity, just like the stock market. Up one day, down the next.
Got to start calling up the moving company and claim the damage and also call up geico about having sent the canadian drivers history.
Then bank for some reason they wanted me to call back.
just wondering if this is the real life I want. Feel home sick and with the news of Aunts sickness makes me feel really leathergic.
have to find optimism in something creative.
Called up Bank and got the green signal that nothing is bad and it was just a promo call.
Called up Katie at the Fry wagnor moving and same story of not picking up my call. left a msg about the damage.
Called up Geico and was told that they got my canadian history that i faxed and they need to check my US history. not sure if my premium will change cause of that.
Feel a bit relieve cause of that.
Changed address of Att to lansdale. Tried calling Anil regarding the bill for $96 he was talking about, as I don't see any online.
Sent out mail to Ajit and sangeeta regarding the issues with mrk timesheet.
2:30 called up katie again and got to her thru the receptionist paging her. Said Patty will contact me by tomorrow and have the documents to me for filing in the claims.
Checked E's blog, feels nice that she is getting into Meditation, hope her out look on life and her ability to control her angry outbursts improve. Much needed for her.
3:45 called up Radhish regarding the payment and he seems to be stalling for time. and said some rajshekar the HR guy from satyam is negotiating with them. Told him that I will just go to the labor court and complain about them all. And asked him to give me the email address of Rajshekar.
Tempted to send Eva a mail asking her again if she would like to try out been together in US and see how it all goes. Wish she would have been a bit more mature minded and not shoot to extremes like breaking up and then regreting it..... kind of unstable way of thinking by a person when we both were comitted to achieving the ultimate , marriage.
4:30 meeting
6:25 call up Niti Mehta of Apex-2000 regarding the status of my salary. and she was non-commitive and was trying to blame me. got irritate and told her that I did give enough notice unlike she is making it out to be. 703-961-0288 x 101.
Will wait for one more week, send out an official mail to her tonite with all the other concerned people involved. And look at the opitions of going to Labour Dept and complaining about them.
Gosh almost spent $4000 on all this.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
wake up with night mare
Sunday, May 23, 2010
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.
ok try to get back to sleeping. need to start working out, this week was lost and only work out was dancing crazy salsa and one merengue with a cute Italian looking gal.
Have a feeling something major is going to happen soon. Need to start focusing on career. Thou my heart is crying out for someone dear and near in my life. All the artificial created egoistic walls. If only they were easy to climb.
From the first girl (Sr) who left a huge gap in my life with her betrayal, by prefering to marry a rich guy over me,
to (Ni) my crush with the sweet smile and seemingly innocent behavior.
to (MP) who I liked but never really loved, She knew it well as I never said I did love her nor said any lie to mislead her. Was partially my need for companion ship when in mumbai.
to (AsM) who was so sweet and ideal, like soul mates in happiness, but then my own conservative requirement to only marry a malu,
to the one (NaP) the pediatrician, who I almost got engaged to and whos parents turned out to be family friends of my parents, and family friends for 100`s of years, who betrayed me by leading me on to believe that she wants to spend all her life with me, no matter what her dad says and went on to marry another docter her dad arranged for, and who had more guy friends than girls.
to (Su) mechanial Engg, like me, who I spend hrs talking into the late nights and was on a swing of emotions and who prefered men friends over girl friends.
to (Jo) who was a free spiritied gal, turned out had a preference for too many men friends in her life and prefered muscled white men,
to (GiL) who I fell head over heals for all the saddness and trouble she faced in life and who betrayed me by cheating on me with her ex.
to (MaAn) who I ended up in bed the fastest for her deep need for an Indian boyfriend to my need to validate myself after the betrayal by Gi. And who moved away as soon as she came into my life.
To (LiB) who was playing the game of trying to have me and other at the same time and trying to control,
to (TaB) who was trying to give me the excuse of, I am going to have lots of friends and I don`t care what you think (only her friends also happened to be fuck buddies).
To (EvS) who was also exibiting the same traits of wanting too many guy friends but stopped short of becoming fuck buddies to all the guy friends she tries to have and calls all girl friends as stupid.
She was the one I was hoping to spend the rest of my life. The one i opened up my life and heart of recent with lots of hesitation after about 2 years, to the extend of wanting to go against my own parents wishes. But who turned out to be in love with someone else really and I was just another stepping stone for her. Thought that I could trust her unlike the other gals, but soon she started exhibiting the lying pattern of behavior that I have become so familiar with. The same dialogues, the same vauge talk, the same words of leaving too much to imagination to simple questions, hahahaha,, after sometime it becomes so easy to spot a lying cheating female. They all have the same pattern of behavior, all cheating humans do. EvS was the one I was so looking forward to having lots of kids with and a great bubbling happy family. But like someone said so appropriately, she still needs to find herself. Just that by the time she finds herself, it will be too late to be with me. Thats the choice she had and thats the choice she made.
I gave up my significant career, just to be with her and spend time with her travelling on the west coast of US. And all I got in return was a load of pain and anguish from her self-centered behavior.
Before the trip it was, i don`t care about hiking, just want to spend time with you, within 24 hrs of landing, she just dumped me and the food (that I was not interested in) and walked away , with out even a word. Not even the common courtesy and decency to say, `I am going down for the hike`.
And then she has the nerve to tell me about behaving like a civilized person and how to talk decently and respectfully. Well lady, how about practicing before expecting something like that in return.
The Dozen who came into my life, my one sided affairs and my just kiss for the moment on the dance floor, a few passionate bachata dancers, who danced like we were having sex with cloths on, don`t remember most of the rest much. These are the top 12 from my first to my last so far.
There are few others who i met briefly, but circumstances did not permit for things to develop, like SaB and Del. Two sweet and nice gals, if circumstances were different or I had met them at different times, would have probably ended up marrying one of them.
There were many more small time affairs and one sided crushes, in between not significant.
Common thread, gals with too many guy friends, always trouble and never going to be in love forever, with me.
Too much of gypsy mentality.
And most of these gals made the move on me. Another thing to avoid.
I think I choose the easy path as, these gals were already interested in me when I was not really interested or available. And gave into the temptation.
And then when I started getting too deeply involved, they just backed out. It was like they were interested in me when I was a challenge and once they got me, they lost interest.
Back to sleep. And wait the real purpose in my life. Got to start focusing on my career, too much time lost chasing dreams and excitement that took me nowhere. While all the lousy guys seems to have made it big, with their own house(s) and family and steady life.
Woke up again from a night mare I could not remember around 7:am. To many disturbing thoughts and dreams, have to get back into mediating mode again.
Cleaned up the washroom a bit. surprising how much of scum gets accumulated even by one person in a month.
Maybe go to the temple in NJ around afternoon. now its 9: maybe call up home, then do more organizing and unpâcking and then head off around 11am or better still in the afternoon to avoid rush. Sounds like a plan.
9:45 called up home and no one picked up the phone. Called again, dad picks up and says that they just got back from a party.
Its seems Cousins son ``ATHUL`` got an award for topping the exams of High School, from the state government last year. He got the award given to him about 1,250 US dollars just a few days ago. He was among the 2 people who got it.
So there was a small little family party at an hotel. And there were 25 people. let me see, ahhh even if I count the closest family its more than 25, so some must not have come. And even his baby sister ``Ankitha`` got top marks this year A+. Thats another party next year. Wow it must be the water there. All my cousins even my mom topped their regional exams. Feels nice to be part of an elite group of intellectual people.
Sad news, my fav aunt Shailaja, got re-admitted to hospital after her breast cancer which was supposed to have been cured appeared or rather spread to some other areas. Other aunts are taking time to spend with her in the hospital. Feel like crying.
1:00pm head out and drive towards temple, talk with AV and narayan briefly on the way.
2:30 reach temple.
3:00 get into the cafetria of temple after prayers and bit of mediation and order 3 tamrind rice to take out.
3:30 start off from temple
5:30 reach home after filling up gas on the way, just before entering the Penn state border in New Jersey.
1st attempt to cook my salmon curry.
atlast motivate myself to do it. now its almost 9:45pm and maybe I will let it boil for another 15 mins on low. Not feeling hungry at all. Friday just had one hot dog, Even on Saturday did not eat anything, and only had tamrind rice in the evening today. Kind of becoming a person who can live on with out food. Or is it depression that I am going thru??
Thinking of aunt and wishing her and praying for her well being. Its been almost 4 years since I have seen anyone in my family. Whats happening to me and my life, when will I be able to go to my lovely land of gods. Natural and serene in its virgin beauty. Green that seems to make my eyes relax like an open eyed meditation.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.
ok try to get back to sleeping. need to start working out, this week was lost and only work out was dancing crazy salsa and one merengue with a cute Italian looking gal.
Have a feeling something major is going to happen soon. Need to start focusing on career. Thou my heart is crying out for someone dear and near in my life. All the artificial created egoistic walls. If only they were easy to climb.
From the first girl (Sr) who left a huge gap in my life with her betrayal, by prefering to marry a rich guy over me,
to (Ni) my crush with the sweet smile and seemingly innocent behavior.
to (MP) who I liked but never really loved, She knew it well as I never said I did love her nor said any lie to mislead her. Was partially my need for companion ship when in mumbai.
to (AsM) who was so sweet and ideal, like soul mates in happiness, but then my own conservative requirement to only marry a malu,
to the one (NaP) the pediatrician, who I almost got engaged to and whos parents turned out to be family friends of my parents, and family friends for 100`s of years, who betrayed me by leading me on to believe that she wants to spend all her life with me, no matter what her dad says and went on to marry another docter her dad arranged for, and who had more guy friends than girls.
to (Su) mechanial Engg, like me, who I spend hrs talking into the late nights and was on a swing of emotions and who prefered men friends over girl friends.
to (Jo) who was a free spiritied gal, turned out had a preference for too many men friends in her life and prefered muscled white men,
to (GiL) who I fell head over heals for all the saddness and trouble she faced in life and who betrayed me by cheating on me with her ex.
to (MaAn) who I ended up in bed the fastest for her deep need for an Indian boyfriend to my need to validate myself after the betrayal by Gi. And who moved away as soon as she came into my life.
To (LiB) who was playing the game of trying to have me and other at the same time and trying to control,
to (TaB) who was trying to give me the excuse of, I am going to have lots of friends and I don`t care what you think (only her friends also happened to be fuck buddies).
To (EvS) who was also exibiting the same traits of wanting too many guy friends but stopped short of becoming fuck buddies to all the guy friends she tries to have and calls all girl friends as stupid.
She was the one I was hoping to spend the rest of my life. The one i opened up my life and heart of recent with lots of hesitation after about 2 years, to the extend of wanting to go against my own parents wishes. But who turned out to be in love with someone else really and I was just another stepping stone for her. Thought that I could trust her unlike the other gals, but soon she started exhibiting the lying pattern of behavior that I have become so familiar with. The same dialogues, the same vauge talk, the same words of leaving too much to imagination to simple questions, hahahaha,, after sometime it becomes so easy to spot a lying cheating female. They all have the same pattern of behavior, all cheating humans do. EvS was the one I was so looking forward to having lots of kids with and a great bubbling happy family. But like someone said so appropriately, she still needs to find herself. Just that by the time she finds herself, it will be too late to be with me. Thats the choice she had and thats the choice she made.
I gave up my significant career, just to be with her and spend time with her travelling on the west coast of US. And all I got in return was a load of pain and anguish from her self-centered behavior.
Before the trip it was, i don`t care about hiking, just want to spend time with you, within 24 hrs of landing, she just dumped me and the food (that I was not interested in) and walked away , with out even a word. Not even the common courtesy and decency to say, `I am going down for the hike`.
And then she has the nerve to tell me about behaving like a civilized person and how to talk decently and respectfully. Well lady, how about practicing before expecting something like that in return.
The Dozen who came into my life, my one sided affairs and my just kiss for the moment on the dance floor, a few passionate bachata dancers, who danced like we were having sex with cloths on, don`t remember most of the rest much. These are the top 12 from my first to my last so far.
There are few others who i met briefly, but circumstances did not permit for things to develop, like SaB and Del. Two sweet and nice gals, if circumstances were different or I had met them at different times, would have probably ended up marrying one of them.
There were many more small time affairs and one sided crushes, in between not significant.
Common thread, gals with too many guy friends, always trouble and never going to be in love forever, with me.
Too much of gypsy mentality.
And most of these gals made the move on me. Another thing to avoid.
I think I choose the easy path as, these gals were already interested in me when I was not really interested or available. And gave into the temptation.
And then when I started getting too deeply involved, they just backed out. It was like they were interested in me when I was a challenge and once they got me, they lost interest.
Back to sleep. And wait the real purpose in my life. Got to start focusing on my career, too much time lost chasing dreams and excitement that took me nowhere. While all the lousy guys seems to have made it big, with their own house(s) and family and steady life.
Woke up again from a night mare I could not remember around 7:am. To many disturbing thoughts and dreams, have to get back into mediating mode again.
Cleaned up the washroom a bit. surprising how much of scum gets accumulated even by one person in a month.
Maybe go to the temple in NJ around afternoon. now its 9: maybe call up home, then do more organizing and unpâcking and then head off around 11am or better still in the afternoon to avoid rush. Sounds like a plan.
9:45 called up home and no one picked up the phone. Called again, dad picks up and says that they just got back from a party.
Its seems Cousins son ``ATHUL`` got an award for topping the exams of High School, from the state government last year. He got the award given to him about 1,250 US dollars just a few days ago. He was among the 2 people who got it.
So there was a small little family party at an hotel. And there were 25 people. let me see, ahhh even if I count the closest family its more than 25, so some must not have come. And even his baby sister ``Ankitha`` got top marks this year A+. Thats another party next year. Wow it must be the water there. All my cousins even my mom topped their regional exams. Feels nice to be part of an elite group of intellectual people.
Sad news, my fav aunt Shailaja, got re-admitted to hospital after her breast cancer which was supposed to have been cured appeared or rather spread to some other areas. Other aunts are taking time to spend with her in the hospital. Feel like crying.
1:00pm head out and drive towards temple, talk with AV and narayan briefly on the way.
2:30 reach temple.
3:00 get into the cafetria of temple after prayers and bit of mediation and order 3 tamrind rice to take out.
3:30 start off from temple
5:30 reach home after filling up gas on the way, just before entering the Penn state border in New Jersey.
1st attempt to cook my salmon curry.
atlast motivate myself to do it. now its almost 9:45pm and maybe I will let it boil for another 15 mins on low. Not feeling hungry at all. Friday just had one hot dog, Even on Saturday did not eat anything, and only had tamrind rice in the evening today. Kind of becoming a person who can live on with out food. Or is it depression that I am going thru??
Thinking of aunt and wishing her and praying for her well being. Its been almost 4 years since I have seen anyone in my family. Whats happening to me and my life, when will I be able to go to my lovely land of gods. Natural and serene in its virgin beauty. Green that seems to make my eyes relax like an open eyed meditation.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
morning after night out
Sat, May 22, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woke up after a late night of Salsa in the city. Found two places to dance salsa in downtown now.
It was an amazing nite dancing with some really hot looking girls who were able to follow. One girl came and asked me to dance twice, one on a cha-cha and then surprisingly she came all the way from across the room and asked me dance on a bachata.
Is there something there? She waved a very shy bye-bye before she left for the night. And she seemed to be looking at me when she was dancing with other guys.
Not sure what will happen. Girls are all mysterious. She is undoubtedly very pretty and her friend also was very hot looking. Her friend was so easy to dance salsa with, she seemed so happy after I dipped her a couple of times. She loved it most , was smiling from ear to ear and looked like she was going to kiss me, had I not moved my face and it ended up in a side kiss and hug. Her eyes and expression looked the same way evas was when she surprised me with a tongue lock kiss on top of cypress.
Ahhhh I am not one who likes to have a relationship with someone because she is hot. Yes it does help in the sexual attraction department.
And then met a girl from Brazil who looked so much like an indian and her boy friend comes and asks me to dance with her. wow! Either I have become a better dancer by not dancing for so many months or something magical is about to happen.
Surprising I don`t remember any of their names, its like I don`t care what your name is, you are going to be another of those sluts who will just use me for what ever you see on the outside and then dump me for another bigger better deal (BBD). Its all like the business deals for you in the west. Just business. :) So why should I treat you different. I will also use u for what ever you are worth. That way I don`t have much emotion committed to you.
Got msg on Skype from Lubo about letter arriving , that I sent with Evas tax returns.
The online status showed that it came about 15 days ago to their country. And missy Eva did not even have the courtesy to reply to my mail. After her trip to Delhi and feeling like an arrogant celebrity, it looks like she thinks that every one should just come and kiss up her back. And that she can just cut people off like some cold hearted slut... yes slut is the word that Amit used and she proved him right. Have to agree with amit and also Nilesh that this is what you can expect from the people of the west. And I just turned out to be the fool who sent her dresses and collector items for her birth day. And all the while she was really going to »India to meet him and be with him. She might not be slut in the physical sense (not yet), but on the emotional side, she is big time. And does what most sluts do, fool themselves into believing that they are very poius and pure and are very consicious about critizism from their close ones and try to project a different image to their close people.
Again proving my instincts right that I did not travel to India with her or commit to going to India to travel to Kerala with her, as she just needed me as back up if Amit does not fall into her trap. Or who know that guy Rishit or her kiss buddy Mihir. Like I foresaw, she would end up with someone there, as is her character with in the month. And another one the next. .. Much against what she said, how can I get into another relationship so soon.... well here u go.
It feels so sick that she just wanted to maintain a cordial relationship till she got her check and then as soon as she got her check and returned from Delhi she decided to cut off on facebook. Something that I did not have the heart to do.
And now it feels so strange to be in communication with her parents, who were potential in-laws. Well she is the product of their creation, if I am feeling sick of her overall behavior, then they have to take some blame too. Her selfish mother most of all. Her mother does not come across to me as a honest person. Maybe very sensitive person, but she is not honest with herself. And that is one trait that Eva seems to have in her a lot. A LOT.
Well like beena said``
She has focus mostly on defining the problem wrong. And hence will continue to do the same mistakes as she goes on ahead. Until such time as she decides to face the honest reality of her own actions.
Its great to read about good positive words, but whats the use if your actions are contradicting your words. And everything she writes on the Facebook wall feels like pretty boxes with junk in them. As whats inside is so shallow and superficial.
Hope that her new move into mediation might help her improve her inner self. Or again if she chooses the easier way of combining her own comfort level mixing junk with it, then its a lost cause.
Got to move on, maybe she and others before her are just some kind of trial runs for me before the real love comes into my life. But it feels so sick and not right. Why did so many things happen, why so many co-incidences. And why did I put in so much energy and my life into it, working and hoping that she was the one. Only to have her kick and stomp my heart like some crazy ball or to be crushed like a grape.
I still never under stood her fettish for kissing and been kissed by strangers. I thought and others think too that the may 1st kiss should be by someone we love not just random strangers or friends. Its celebrating lovers day by that special kiss . Not the love between friends, between friends its on the cheeks not mouth to mouth.
Guess she is not even aware of the pics raymondo posted on the web of them kissing last year. It felt so sick to see those pics, it was not just one kiss, it was so many and she calls it ahh just a kiss between friends,, yea right,,, stop bullshiting yourself first. He was just using that as a stage to get to the next stage of having sex as just friends. just like so many other guys in salsa , who use tricks like that to induce and seduce girls, step by step. Either she is truly an idot or she is someone who is not aware of the boundaries of relationship and where to draw the line or is like other girls who get easily seduced by playboys who know how to exploit weak character women.
I surely would not be able to live with someone kissing my wife or lover on the mouth. I would die of jealousy. And to me it is as holy as having loyalty and faithfullness towards my partner. But her values seem to be different or the values she liked to adopt. And its not anything to do with culture. Its all about man-women relationship and its sacredness to ones own heart. The fact that she so easily broke off everytime she got angry says that she does not hold the union and relationship to the high standards that I hold. For her its just an ego boost or just another kiss with some stranger on the mouth.
Well its not like that for me.
Good lesson learnt, next time there is someone who is showing any sick behavior like that, just cut them off and move away.
Well she will either become someone who will just go around the world changing boyfriends every month and become a true slut like amit said or will end up marrying Amit if she is lucky to trap him. Or who knows he must be a smarter guy who will just seduce her with his words and just use her for what ever ideas he has. He atleast seems to have screwed it up big time between me and her or no, she was already setting it up to appear that way so that it will be easier to convince him or her next lover that I was an ass hole. Good for her and her Karma. cheers.
1:00pm, After noon set out to go shopping at costco, Patel grocerries and wal mart.
Funny how I just said kem-cho to a lady giving out samples at costco and she just started talking to me in gujarathi and I was just looking at her not knowing what to say.
4:00pm returned back home and noticed that there are a bunch of girls living opposite to my apartment and they were having a party... hmm would be nice to get to meet them.
New neighbor replaced the Indian from hyderabad. New guy is from Haiti. Seems to be having a bit of snobbishness about him. The french ascent even thou he is of african origin.
Wanted to cook my first salmon curry, had Bru Coffee that I brought at the Patel store, thought that it would be instant coffee, but it was not, so kind of disappointed there.
Feeling so sleepy, passed out in the couch, this time with out TV. woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.
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Woke up after a late night of Salsa in the city. Found two places to dance salsa in downtown now.
It was an amazing nite dancing with some really hot looking girls who were able to follow. One girl came and asked me to dance twice, one on a cha-cha and then surprisingly she came all the way from across the room and asked me dance on a bachata.
Is there something there? She waved a very shy bye-bye before she left for the night. And she seemed to be looking at me when she was dancing with other guys.
Not sure what will happen. Girls are all mysterious. She is undoubtedly very pretty and her friend also was very hot looking. Her friend was so easy to dance salsa with, she seemed so happy after I dipped her a couple of times. She loved it most , was smiling from ear to ear and looked like she was going to kiss me, had I not moved my face and it ended up in a side kiss and hug. Her eyes and expression looked the same way evas was when she surprised me with a tongue lock kiss on top of cypress.
Ahhhh I am not one who likes to have a relationship with someone because she is hot. Yes it does help in the sexual attraction department.
And then met a girl from Brazil who looked so much like an indian and her boy friend comes and asks me to dance with her. wow! Either I have become a better dancer by not dancing for so many months or something magical is about to happen.
Surprising I don`t remember any of their names, its like I don`t care what your name is, you are going to be another of those sluts who will just use me for what ever you see on the outside and then dump me for another bigger better deal (BBD). Its all like the business deals for you in the west. Just business. :) So why should I treat you different. I will also use u for what ever you are worth. That way I don`t have much emotion committed to you.
Got msg on Skype from Lubo about letter arriving , that I sent with Evas tax returns.
The online status showed that it came about 15 days ago to their country. And missy Eva did not even have the courtesy to reply to my mail. After her trip to Delhi and feeling like an arrogant celebrity, it looks like she thinks that every one should just come and kiss up her back. And that she can just cut people off like some cold hearted slut... yes slut is the word that Amit used and she proved him right. Have to agree with amit and also Nilesh that this is what you can expect from the people of the west. And I just turned out to be the fool who sent her dresses and collector items for her birth day. And all the while she was really going to »India to meet him and be with him. She might not be slut in the physical sense (not yet), but on the emotional side, she is big time. And does what most sluts do, fool themselves into believing that they are very poius and pure and are very consicious about critizism from their close ones and try to project a different image to their close people.
Again proving my instincts right that I did not travel to India with her or commit to going to India to travel to Kerala with her, as she just needed me as back up if Amit does not fall into her trap. Or who know that guy Rishit or her kiss buddy Mihir. Like I foresaw, she would end up with someone there, as is her character with in the month. And another one the next. .. Much against what she said, how can I get into another relationship so soon.... well here u go.
It feels so sick that she just wanted to maintain a cordial relationship till she got her check and then as soon as she got her check and returned from Delhi she decided to cut off on facebook. Something that I did not have the heart to do.
And now it feels so strange to be in communication with her parents, who were potential in-laws. Well she is the product of their creation, if I am feeling sick of her overall behavior, then they have to take some blame too. Her selfish mother most of all. Her mother does not come across to me as a honest person. Maybe very sensitive person, but she is not honest with herself. And that is one trait that Eva seems to have in her a lot. A LOT.
Well like beena said``
"When you fall, don't see the place where you fell, instead see the place from where you slipped. Life is about correcting mistakes."
She has focus mostly on defining the problem wrong. And hence will continue to do the same mistakes as she goes on ahead. Until such time as she decides to face the honest reality of her own actions.
Its great to read about good positive words, but whats the use if your actions are contradicting your words. And everything she writes on the Facebook wall feels like pretty boxes with junk in them. As whats inside is so shallow and superficial.
Hope that her new move into mediation might help her improve her inner self. Or again if she chooses the easier way of combining her own comfort level mixing junk with it, then its a lost cause.
Got to move on, maybe she and others before her are just some kind of trial runs for me before the real love comes into my life. But it feels so sick and not right. Why did so many things happen, why so many co-incidences. And why did I put in so much energy and my life into it, working and hoping that she was the one. Only to have her kick and stomp my heart like some crazy ball or to be crushed like a grape.
I still never under stood her fettish for kissing and been kissed by strangers. I thought and others think too that the may 1st kiss should be by someone we love not just random strangers or friends. Its celebrating lovers day by that special kiss . Not the love between friends, between friends its on the cheeks not mouth to mouth.
Guess she is not even aware of the pics raymondo posted on the web of them kissing last year. It felt so sick to see those pics, it was not just one kiss, it was so many and she calls it ahh just a kiss between friends,, yea right,,, stop bullshiting yourself first. He was just using that as a stage to get to the next stage of having sex as just friends. just like so many other guys in salsa , who use tricks like that to induce and seduce girls, step by step. Either she is truly an idot or she is someone who is not aware of the boundaries of relationship and where to draw the line or is like other girls who get easily seduced by playboys who know how to exploit weak character women.
I surely would not be able to live with someone kissing my wife or lover on the mouth. I would die of jealousy. And to me it is as holy as having loyalty and faithfullness towards my partner. But her values seem to be different or the values she liked to adopt. And its not anything to do with culture. Its all about man-women relationship and its sacredness to ones own heart. The fact that she so easily broke off everytime she got angry says that she does not hold the union and relationship to the high standards that I hold. For her its just an ego boost or just another kiss with some stranger on the mouth.
Well its not like that for me.
Good lesson learnt, next time there is someone who is showing any sick behavior like that, just cut them off and move away.
Well she will either become someone who will just go around the world changing boyfriends every month and become a true slut like amit said or will end up marrying Amit if she is lucky to trap him. Or who knows he must be a smarter guy who will just seduce her with his words and just use her for what ever ideas he has. He atleast seems to have screwed it up big time between me and her or no, she was already setting it up to appear that way so that it will be easier to convince him or her next lover that I was an ass hole. Good for her and her Karma. cheers.
1:00pm, After noon set out to go shopping at costco, Patel grocerries and wal mart.
Funny how I just said kem-cho to a lady giving out samples at costco and she just started talking to me in gujarathi and I was just looking at her not knowing what to say.
4:00pm returned back home and noticed that there are a bunch of girls living opposite to my apartment and they were having a party... hmm would be nice to get to meet them.
New neighbor replaced the Indian from hyderabad. New guy is from Haiti. Seems to be having a bit of snobbishness about him. The french ascent even thou he is of african origin.
Wanted to cook my first salmon curry, had Bru Coffee that I brought at the Patel store, thought that it would be instant coffee, but it was not, so kind of disappointed there.
Feeling so sleepy, passed out in the couch, this time with out TV. woke up with some kind of night mare again at 2am, confused as to the day of the week, is it sunday or monday. Do i have to go to work. So far have not done any real work and its almost 2 months. april may. And I have not got paid for the 2 weeks at Satyam-apex2000.
Friday, May 21, 2010
slept like a log
Frieeedddday, May 21, 2010
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slept like a log,,, wooo that sounded like Eva. strange that I notice that I have taken up many of her words and thoughts. Guess if we had lived together I we would probably end becoming like each other, who knows, I will end up hating TV and she will end up loving TV and we will end up having a fight for that and i will be probably walking out of the house in a huff.
6:30am , just got out of the wash room ,lets see how soon I can make it to work.
Make it to work in 5 mins , just 2.5miles from my parking to work parking. Get parking on the ground floor. But amazingly there was lots of traffic at 7:40am. Reached desk @ 7:50am. Next target is to make it in by 7am.
Start working on the Vaccine call center related files. to get a better handle as regards to the flow of calls. Get georges help with a few doubts.
12 noon kannan wants to do to Delaware to get some of his stuff that he left off there during the last visit. So agreed to go along with him.
Got mail from Radish regarding my pay for the 2 weeks in Newyork. so far nothing seems to have been resolved. If things come to shove, only alternative for me is to go to the labor court, I spent a ton of money traveling there and also staying in hotel, paying all out of my own pocket.
12:40 get out of work to go to Delaware (neighboring state) to the costco there with Kannan.
Have the famous hotdog and drink for $1.50. Kannan has cheese pizza slice as he does not eat beef. I am not a big pizza guy, as I end up with stomach issues.
Initially went there to just give Kannan comany, then ended up buying 4 bottles of Alcohol. Jonnnywalker, Hennesy, Chilean wine and Smirnoff Vodka. And Delaware state does not have state taxes. Thats nice if the stuff I need to buy is more than $200 or if I am travelling in that direction.
Get back to work around 4:30 to attend the training.
6:30 get back home droping Rajshekar who live a bit off the street (1 mile).
Have the mutton curry that I got last sunday from Narayans house. Assembled my blender. Still need to do the unpacking of about 50% stuff. That maybe stuff I might not need immediately.
Wonder what would have happened if Evi was here. I would have just let her decorate and take care of the interior design and layout of the house as she fancies. :)
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slept like a log,,, wooo that sounded like Eva. strange that I notice that I have taken up many of her words and thoughts. Guess if we had lived together I we would probably end becoming like each other, who knows, I will end up hating TV and she will end up loving TV and we will end up having a fight for that and i will be probably walking out of the house in a huff.
6:30am , just got out of the wash room ,lets see how soon I can make it to work.
Make it to work in 5 mins , just 2.5miles from my parking to work parking. Get parking on the ground floor. But amazingly there was lots of traffic at 7:40am. Reached desk @ 7:50am. Next target is to make it in by 7am.
Start working on the Vaccine call center related files. to get a better handle as regards to the flow of calls. Get georges help with a few doubts.
12 noon kannan wants to do to Delaware to get some of his stuff that he left off there during the last visit. So agreed to go along with him.
Got mail from Radish regarding my pay for the 2 weeks in Newyork. so far nothing seems to have been resolved. If things come to shove, only alternative for me is to go to the labor court, I spent a ton of money traveling there and also staying in hotel, paying all out of my own pocket.
12:40 get out of work to go to Delaware (neighboring state) to the costco there with Kannan.
Have the famous hotdog and drink for $1.50. Kannan has cheese pizza slice as he does not eat beef. I am not a big pizza guy, as I end up with stomach issues.
Initially went there to just give Kannan comany, then ended up buying 4 bottles of Alcohol. Jonnnywalker, Hennesy, Chilean wine and Smirnoff Vodka. And Delaware state does not have state taxes. Thats nice if the stuff I need to buy is more than $200 or if I am travelling in that direction.
Get back to work around 4:30 to attend the training.
6:30 get back home droping Rajshekar who live a bit off the street (1 mile).
Have the mutton curry that I got last sunday from Narayans house. Assembled my blender. Still need to do the unpacking of about 50% stuff. That maybe stuff I might not need immediately.
Wonder what would have happened if Evi was here. I would have just let her decorate and take care of the interior design and layout of the house as she fancies. :)
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