Long weekend starts

Sat jul-03-2010
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Start of long weekend, Now the question of prioritizing, so many choices to pick from.

Was nice to Malinis mail telling me that her parents were going off to meet her cousin and so she will have time to go out salsa dancing. Rather she was ordering me in a cute way, you better make time for me. :)

sweeter was her comment that she thinks that I am a nice guy "I can see you being mr. too nice and girls taking you for a ride - so next time be extra cautious"

Just told her that I have been having a bad luck when it comes to love and the girls I meet seem to take me for granted.

wow how did she know all this, I did not even tell her anything about my life. And now she wants to be the person who wants to filter the girls I may be interested in., hehehe

Mail from eva, still gathering info about the strike. Not sure how its in Gujarat. Atleast after knowing the way there was the religious massacre there, I imagine that they will be trying to build up support against the Central government to show and inspire their own party people and strengthen their local support.

I would have gone on Sunday to the nearest hotel to the railway station and stayed. Just hope that things are not crazy in Gujju land.

Time for horoscope hehehehe nothing like positive words of motivation.

Daily Horoscope for Saturday, July 3
Your sweet, romantic side comes out today in full force, and you may need to show someone how much fun love can be! Even if you're just casually dating, you can make a serious impression.

Got msg from Tara to meet @ 10:30am for hiking near to my apartment.

Then going for the Beer hike with Sidney and gang in the afternoon.
And tomorrow the 4th of july hike to downtown philly again with Sidney

12:15 It was great meeting Tara and hiking with her talking about all kinds of stuff and laughing about it. She is half Punjabi, born and brought up in this lil town.

We were walking around the hike, for a few rounds, guess she had to leave to her cousins graduation party, great thing she dances salsa too. cheers

Returned to call up Narayan, who is still planning on trying to push that malu on to me. Said he is coming to my place on monday and wants me to show her Philly. Damm he tricked me into helping drop her off at the airport.

Went out hiking this time there was a huge group. Maybe because there was beer afterwards. Met a sweet and quite gal Jil who moved here from Balti. Her sweet way of talking kind of touched my heart, just like an year ago E did. So will she turn out to be a bi-polar angry women like E is something that remains to be seen. And much to my surprise she dances salsa too. Wohoo looks like there are lot of people out dancing salsa here.

After the hike we all went to the Earth Brewery and had some amazing beer made inhouse..

Don't know where I got the courage, but in front of everyone I asked jil for her ph number before leaving.

8 pm headed towards downtown. 9:30 there was pre-july4th fire works on the Delaware river. awesome. Around 10:30 hit brasils just as the class was getting over. 12:30 went over to cubalibrae, which was packed to the teeth.
3am back home and uploaded the pics of hike.

Long weekend

Friday Jul-02-2010
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Long weekend,
woke up early as I went to sleep early. Wanted to go for a run yesterday, but was feeling lazy and end up surfing the net . Was thinking of calling up Delmoo but with the time difference ended up forgetting to call. Hoping to motivate her from her feeling down and what ever she is going thru in vancovuer.

Was surprised sweetly when early morning I got msg from her about missing our chats. awww that is some kind of sweet connection. Hopefully I should call her tonite or afternoon. lets see.

Thinking about an issue that has come up because of assumption in the design phase of the work. Have to now trace out where the Cust id is going into Sieb data.
have to now look for people who maybe able to lead me to the right answers or towards the right people to ask the questions.

Made it by just seconds past the two Railway gates and was able to come and park in my fav spot.
7:15 I hear india group join in, its 7:20 and no sign of conf starting, then Raj joins in as the leader and the music stops. 7:28am kris joins in. 7:53 the conf ends

Chatting with Eva, slowly we are limping back to been better friends.
Was trying to tell her about the nation wide strike on monday by the opposition party. Just as a precaution to go and stay in a hotel close to the railway station.
She seemed to be sure there is nothing going to happen. Maybe in Gujarat they may not be participating as strongly as in other opposition based states.

Lets see. I did my part of wanting to do good. And hopefully things will happen as she says "nothing" hehehe.

Every one here is planning on going somewhere for the long weekend. And i am planning on a series of hikes. Narayan seems to be very much bent and wanting me to meet his friend sreeja, she is coming from Texas. Hoping that there will be some change in my heart and that we both will end up marrying.

He even got her to book ticket to Philly and that way he has the excuse of getting her to my house. Master schemer. I have so far flatly told him that I cannot entertain her and that I am not ready for another relationship. Its not fair to her or to me myself. Feel too much of distrust towards women to be able to open myself from all the hurt.
One person I decide to open my heart upto ends up hurting me so much. Hopefully with better constant interaction with Eva, I hope to forget the past pain and replace it with warm love and friendship.

I think I am slowly back to been single and enjoying been single and without responsibility or commitment to anyone.
Free as a bird, thou my heart wishes to be with someone special
to share the beauty of this world and my heart
so filled with love and wanting to love and
shower my love on that special someone.

Love has its own rhyme or reason.
There was a reason why the past one year, circumstances seem to all lead towards Eva. Is this the final out come.
Or is there some other miracle waiting to happen
Or is there someone special going to enter into my life,

Did not hear from malani, may suggest that she get her parents out for the long weekend hike all the 3 days.

Surely I am not that interested in one month fun that Eliza seems to hint at. But will try to introduce her to Salsa tonite.

Eva said her friend is getting married on Sep 4th she I guess is the best lady. So she might be busy with the wedding.

Afternoon got out of Work with kris, went to dosa house, nice interior. Had Rava-Masala-Dosa with onion bhaji as appetiser. wooo was feeling full the whole night. Should stop eating Potatoes, seem to cause lot of gas inside me.

Ashih wanted to go out and get drunk at some sports bar in the evening. Call up Eliza and leave a msg about going to salsa in the evening @ 9:30pm

Got the registeration plates for Pennsylvania,, yeahhhh atlast after month of tension

New month-July

Thursday - 01-jul-2010
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Woke up well rested today, started with Breathing and holding breath and then moved on for wash and then water therapy. Hydration of physical self is among the most important features of Body care.

Checked the Monthly forecast, sweet, how much of it is true , but it is filled with some positive excitement.

Your Horoscope - July 2010
Expect an exciting month with Jupiter and Uranus together in Aries and trine Sagittarius. Life will be unpredictable and full of variety, giving you the chance to explore new options. Sudden developments in your love life will create interest. Venus in Leo will bring affectionate encounters and a sense of fun and enjoyment. You may take a short trip with friends, a female family member, or your partner. An emphasis on the sign of Cancer will bring out a need to take care of others and be supportive. This would be an excellent time to host a potluck dinner or barbeque.
Love Forecast:
There isn't a possessive bone in your body, Sag, but once in a while a certain set of planetary alignments occur and you do get territorial. Pluto's long stay in the house of what you feel you own provokes an inventory of those things that belong to you. With the lucky Jupiter and the sudden-action Uranus slowing down to a stop this month, you may feel your relationship is on the edge. A July 11 Solar Eclipse in the house of sexy love helps you close a romantic deal. The July 26 Full Moon evokes serious words of love from the evasive Sag.
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Got to work around 7am, only to find a mail saying that the conf was not happening today. Then i get a software patch update, click on that and all the applications shut down and the update goes on for 45 mins.

Yesterday had seen Del having some issues and posting on face book. was thinking of calling her and because I ended up falling asleep early was not able to call her as she is 3 hrs behind in time line.
Poor smart gal. Maybe I will call her tonite. And maybe inject some positive happiness into her with my words :)

Just realize, that I did not have dinner yesterday and for lunch I just had a few spoons of yogurt for lunch . And now rushed to work with just half a glass of milk. Damm no wonder I was feeling exhausted yesterday.
I need to get some food in today afternoon or I may collapse.

got chatting with Eva about trip to Zlin and Brno. Have to see where I can get the best and cheapest deal. Pack light and most of all have to get my leave worked out with Ajit.

2:30 to 4:30 HLdmeeting almost slept thru
4:30 to 6 BiTraining.

not really sure where all this is leading, not much work at work. mostly billing the client and not really productive. But need this to pay my bills and save money for the future. God only knows what kind of work I will be able to get after 2 years with all the different kinds of technology coming in the next couple of years.
Scary

Completed 3 months of living with out TV. When I say that to people, they are looking at me as thou I am weird.

But hey its leaving me with a lot of free time. Need to channel it into more positive side. :)

Its a journey. Almost weekend. Can't wait to see whats in store for me this month.

What holds this day?

Wed 30-jun-2010
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Last day of month six, or half of the year 2010.

Conf with india started on time today. But I am feeling not that motivated. Low energy.

Even the talk there is about diman the calcuta lead talking about his dad been admitted to hospital.

End of meeting around 8pm now

Sent a hi to eva on google chat, no response. :( well I am not going to hold this against her and have any ego problme . hahahaha,, my ego is already dead there.
Sent her the email I wrote couple of days ago. Wish she could just let go and not keep fooling her self into believing things that are not true.

But I can only try to certain extend. After that its her own personal choice.

10 to 11 team meeting with client

Then meet up with Karthi and help set up the changes in T2 for him and then set up ids for Matt in dtc/mvc

forgot cell phone at home return to get it.

Got mail from Mali about her parents coming in tomorrow from India. Funny today was the exact day one year ago, eva and family left from vancouver.

Guess she does not even remember the days and time. I am Still haunted by the way she cried at the airport. Made my heart cry and I was trying to make her think of something funny and different. How innocent and sincere she felt at that time.

Went to sleep early, kind of felt exhausted. Don't know why, is it the Monday night salsa catching up with me? Guess it takes about 2 days of holding on and then the body is no longer able to sustain and crys for rest. cheers end up sleeping on the couch, forget dinner then wake up around 12 and go to the bedroom to my luxirious bed.

what a night

Wed, jun-29-2010
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wake up early and lazy after a late night at the Vango.
Wow what a night, was just salsa dancing randomly with a few girls and watching most of the time.
Then suddenly one girl comes and asks me to dance and after that it was like a flood of girls just jumping in as soon as the song got over and stealing me even before I got off the dance floor. :)

Met one girl from Dominican Republic, who had lived in Vancouver and now in Philly. Danced a lot with her and she wanted to know where I will be next time for salsa. She was very sweet and just wanted to keep dancing with me. Thou she left early before the attack of the girls started.

What a night.

Made it to work by 7am for the daily conf with Indian team

The got into interesting discussion on Evas blog.

Got busy with trying to compile the power point and put the code in for the mocpop.
Went to base camp but was not able to log on remotely so went back to office.

It was a sleepy day in the afternoon. Need to catch up today on yesterday nights sleepless activities.
What a huge difference it makes to ones feeling. External factors do play a huge role in making us feel happy to. Here I was trying to get one person I love to be good firends, was getting treated worse than shit and only getting taken for granted more and more. And there the girls were almost fighting with each other and making plans to come out next monday dancing only if I came out too.

Well someones loss is others gain I guess.
Even Narayan seems to be working and trying every trick to set me up with his friend.

Get a mail back from Elizabeth. giving me her Ph no and asking me to call her and to go salsa-ing. hmmmm have to think about making a date like that as I usually don't feel motivated to drive that far into downtown Philly during the weekend.

Watched the FIFA matches on the internet and then just finished cooking Chicken curry. 10:40pm now.
Have to take the trash and then sort the dress from the dryer, that will be dry in another 40 mins.

Was hoping on doing some tech reading. lets see. :)

Called up sara and wished her a Happy birth day. Saw Samanthas msg on Facebook that she misses dancing with me. awww I miss dancing with her too. :(

Wakeup thinking of E

28-jun-2010 Monday
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Woke up thinking of Eva. Kind of mixed dreams and visions.

Then got up to see her blog. She is so fortunate to have so much exposure to international crowd. I wish I had those kinds of options when I was out of college. For one surly I was not in a situation to afford the fees of AISEC. The advantages she has coming from a richer country is huge and many other people who have their parents richness in wealth.

Then send Elizabeth a eamil with details of Salsa in Philly. Was feeling guilty that I did not open my self to her advances and she must be only really getting out to make friends and have fun. She said she has one month free as her daughter is gone out to Camp. So she wanted to be with someone fun and enjoy her one month.

I am not sure I want to be the person who wants to "FUN" with anyone for one month. I don't mind been a nice friend and helping people out.

I don't want to feel the feeling of been insincere and cheating on my love that I feel towards Eva, It will feel currupt and insincere and dis honest.
Even thou she does not feel the same about it. I just want the love to be pure and not tarnished with something for temporary high of excitement and enjoyment.

That is the easiest thing to do.

Reminds me of what dad said. Marriage brings about the stability in a persons life. If he or she is not married. they will usually tend to be fickle minded and not having a long term purpose and goal of commitment in life.

Which would make them feel like moving from one excitement to another and before they know what is happening, they are lost. And it become so confusing to find your way back. It will be like lost in the jungle. And if we are not fortunate and depending on how lost we are, we may never be able to return back to the proper path and may even get attacked by some wild creatures and will not be fortunate to make it back to the proper path in time.

This is a great analogy.

I hope Eva finds her true path and stays safe. And not keep getting lost in dilemas.
Same for me too. But right now I guess i really do love her and want to be with her as a family. Is she ready or will she ever be ready. Or will she still be in the mode of confusion with all the new different bright lights that keep pulling her in different directions.

Atleast the past few years I have been more in control and did not do anything fickle minded and after I made the choice of been with Eva, wanted to everything possible to work hard and making our relationship work. Even sacrificed my career to a great extend just to be with her during Sep last year when it was the peak of all recruitment. And then ended up been unemployed upto march when the recruitment restarted. 6 months... :(
But don't regret that , just wished we had better circumstance and we could have worked out. I think our trouble was that we did not have much difference like other couples. Our problem was more that of confusion and insecurity that was caused by our conditions and we each reacted to that in different ways and the frustration came out in ways that it was not intended.

Life goes on, What each of us learned from the experience or choose to learn is a different story.

I looked at it as ways to improve myself and my behavior and hope not to do that in the future.
I was open to looking at all my mistakes with an open mind for self analyzing and improving from within myself . As change is something that needs to come from with in us.

She could now blame her bad behavior of getting angry towards me to the BAD experience she claims she had with me during the trip or me ignoring her during the trip. What an exaggeration. Sometimes people would think and fool themselves into believing anything possible and make other look horrible so that they can escape from facing their own mistakes and faults. Then continue on with life making the same mistakes again of tormenting someone else.

But even before the trip she used to get angry at anything I proposed and said.
Big example was that of when I suggested that it would be great if she practiced a little bit of driving, just in case with me been the single driver, got into some kind of trouble.
We could be confident that there is a back up driver and she already had a drivers license.

But all she did was flare up with anger and sarcasm. So I don't think that its because of the claimed bad experiences with me, I did not beat her or get angry at her not even 10 percent of the times she got angry and rude at me, its more because she is feeling more powerful with me lowering my ego and almost begging for us to get together. That is another issues with lowering Ego, then the other person tends to take the person lowering himself for granted. SAD situation.

And the drive also it would have reduced to a great extend my burden of driving for the whole month more than 6000 miles (yes six thousand miles).
that is an average of 200 miles per day or at the rate of 60 miles per hr, 8hrs per day on the days we drove. since we traveled long distance after every 2 or 3 days., this is like professional drives driving for long distance. And to top it all going out hiking in the during the stops. phew i did it.

I am not sure what is really troubling Eva, its for sure not the bad experience that we had on the trip. It has got to do more with her own self, facing herself with honesty or it has got to do with her feeling guilty about something and she is taking the quick way out of feeling better by blaming it ALL on me.

If that is something she is doing, then that explains why she is still stone walling me with coldness even after I apologized so many times. I tried to be as loving as possible, just like the first two months she was Vancouver, ignoring the hurt and pain and been patient towards her and hoping that she will soon see how her behavior is hurting me. But in this case will she ever be able to see?

Again and again her sudden coldness in behavior is so hurtful.
ITs okay, for the sake of my pure love, I am going to bear all the pain and still be as loving and have only loving feelings and intentions towards her and wish her always the best and hope my prayers always protect her. And soon I hope she will be able to see the true light.

7:10am kris comes into the conf late. and then explains about Pq c functions.

Send eva a couple of msgs on gtalk but she seems to have the status on as busy.

I hope that she sees me for my true honest intentions, love and sincerity towards her and we can be good friends. Not expecting her to love me back or anything (that would be great). Just be good friends who can talk about and discuss the wonderful philosophy of life and by other wise people. Exchange and motivate each other by sharing the world of words, go out hiking in the wilderness, just me her and our thoughts of philosophy. :)

Sent her an E greeting card with inspiring quotes and this note

Dear Eva
I am not sure what is really troubling you about me. I have apologize to you a thousand times in different ways.

All I ask is for us to be good friends.

You may treat me coldly as possible, but deep down even thru the tears of my hurt, I will only love you for the beautiful person I see you are and love you with all the good and bad.

I hope you can find it in yourself the true reason for your distress.

I am sure its not just the few bad things we both went thru, if there is something thats deeper troubling you, I hope you find the answers to that sooner within yourself with the tools of sincerity and honesty towards yourself. Not answering others, but you answering yourself. Take care and hoping for the best.

with the intentions of having a very peaceful and warm thoughts of friendship to exists between us

Take care and enjoy

--------------------------------

Got mail from Mali ni complimenting me about our dance . she is sweet. Said she was busy with furniture arriving to her house or would have loved to join me . And her parents are coming from India. woooo now that sounds like a story that happened an year ago. !!!!! where is all this going towards.

Eva seems not even intersted in been frineds and here there is someone making entry.

I am at the end of trying all my the things I could to be friends with Eva, cared too much, loved too much and what is it all leading to , just getting taken for granted as before. How long will I tested like this.

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If you want to be happy, be - Leo Tolstroy
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fal->lConfucius
A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed.
Henrik Ibsen
It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities
JK Rowling
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfrot, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy
Martin Luther King Jr.
This above all: to your own self be true.
William shakespeare
In three words I can sum up what I've learned about life: It goes on. Robert Frost

Off to Atlantic City, beach hiking

Sun Jun 27 2010
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Woke up early need to reach car pooling point by 7:45. For trip to Atlantic city beach hiking. Have not been to a beach for a long time hope to make it there today and have a calming time.
Something about the beach that cools the Fiery Sagittarius in me.

todays love horoscope in MSN.com

Your Lovescope - Today, June. 27, 2010
Some great news could come to you today, perhaps involving the attainment of a long-desired goal you've been working toward for a long time. You'll want to get on the phone to your love partner immediately. Congratulations are definitely in store! The astral energy implies that word should spread quickly among your colleagues, who should be impressed. Enjoy the spotlight! Then go out with your sweetie and celebrate.


Reach Sidney place around 7:45am, meet with Juidth and Elizabeth. We all decided to car pool with Sidney. That way we are not spending time and money on the Tolls.

The beach on the Atlantic city was foggy and since we reached @ 9:45am it was kind of deserted. So we wanted to hike as far as possible before the crowd starts arriving.
Got so see some really beautiful women in two piece dress. wow.
Seem to be a very high class houses linning up at the beach and very rich people on the beach.

Reach the cape point of the beach and returned back.

We had sub sandwiches at Dinos and then sidney drove is to Atlantic city area where the casinos were, did not get into any. Just hung around the beach and this one seems to have even more beautiful bodied women. The beach here is so much longer than Vancouver, but in Vancouver they get together and play Volleyball. here they just lay down on the beach in the heat and chat, and some read get sun tanned, go into the water a bit and back home.

Returning back we got caught in the evening traffic to Philadelphia. Got to sidneys house around 6 and then to my house by 6:30pm.

Checked the fridge and found the last of the two mangoes I got at Costco. cut it up, mixed it with a fruit juice and made a smoothie. cheers to healthy drinking and living.

The two ladies on the hike seem to be single and looking and had a lot of questions for me. I did not know what to ask or to what extend to ask. As I did not want to send them the wrong signals. If I was a player or was just wanting to have fun, I would have tried to be more natural and tried to show more interest.

Elizabeth wanted to come out and try salsa and asked me if she could come with me. I said, I go there often but I am not sure of any particular day I go and would not be able to commit to it in advance as I just go if I feel like going.

Judith was telling about other groups that are for singles who just go bar hopping and it was a great way to meet new people and have fun. Fun means. Well sure its fun in terms of connecting with people and taking it to the level of making love.

IS that my goal and priority in life now?

ahhhhh dilema. Been the nice guy is only causing me to hurt. And E is not been a saint there in Ahmadabad either, . And hence her reluctance even to talk to me as a friend.
Or am I reminding her of the true negative behavior of hers. And that I told her would happen after she goes to India . that she is not able to control on one side and is trying to justify her actions and fooling herself. Some of the comments on her blog are also very painful and scary.

I wish i could help her is some way before its too late and she gets into some kind of deeper trouble. Why??? only reason because I seem to care for her more than I care for myself.

It hurts much that the one person I love go so much is moving in a direction that one wishes would not and to just having to helplessly sit back and watch.
Its like my hands and legs are tied to a tree and I see the one person who matters most in my life sinking into the quick sand she just choose to bravely experiment with. In her own innocent arrogance she just say, I don't care, I am going to experience this. Just like playing with fire. :((((

So should I still hang on the thread of virtue and sincerity and not go ahead and have fun like she is having.
Or should I still be sincere to who I am, not open to another relationship as I choose to stay dedicated and faithful to my true love.

Where is my future taking me, opportunities are knocking,
yet my heart seems to be locked in the love of a life time.

Where will it lead to?
how long am I going to be stuck in this misery.

Will I drown like all true lovers lost in their honesty and sincerity?

Ahhh, why, why, why am I am been tortured like this.
Why is life not just simple. why all these complications?

Deposited the Rent check and set up paying the other bills. Went for a walk talked with Anil for a few mins. He wanted me to come to Texas in Aug. Awww I want to go to Europe and travel. It would have been great if I had someone to go with.
Guila and stefano are in Ireland so no way to get their help for Italian travel.