allavarkum ....... Hridayam ... niranja ....puthuvalsarasamsakal.... (എല്ലാവര്കും ... ഹൃദയം .. നിറഞ്ഞ .. പുതുവത്സരാസംസകള് ).
Moving into the new year and new decade in a few hrs.
Looking back at all the things that went by, the choices that I made, in life, career, love. Nothing seems to hold well for me. Nothing seems to be the right fit, always felt out of place in groups or felt that I was always in one sided affairs.
Cannot blame anyone, just myself. Because I was the one who made the choice. Even after knowing things, always living in a dream world, thinking that things can be worked out.
Wish I was more stronger mentally.
Wish i was more objective oriented.
Wish I was more selfish and cared less about others.
Always wonder how come others (many) seem to be so self-centered and selfish. And why is it that I am not able to do things that they do......
Is it cause of my Culture, my up-bringing, is it just me been too nice and the laws of the universe tends to apply by taking the nice people for a ride and making them into some kind of animalistic, evil, self-serving Devils?....
But I am glad that I have a few friends I can count on the fingers of my hand. People who are living very far away from where I live and have not met them for the past few years, but who care about me in their own little way and make me feel a bit of self worth. Give me the critical views honestly and directly with out fear, but only with the objective of seeing good things happen to me.
Still looking for the one person who would love me as madly as I would love her. Decades of searching and yet no sign of her.
Is there a person like that for me atall?
or is that just going to be my fantasy?
Just asking for someone to love me and make me feel loved.
Someone who I could tell anything and want to tell everything.
Someone who would be just plain excited to talk to me and happy to be with me no matter what time of day or night.
Someone who would be just waiting and wanting to share with me every part of her life, no matter what I would think about it.
Someone who wants to share every part of my life and dreamswith her. Making me feel that my life, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams is worth something to someone.
Just asking for a plain someone to love and to love me for what I am.
But so far.... Have only met people who seems to want me as some kind of stepping stone or slave to their dreams.....
And the latest to be labeled as some kind of bonus and upgrade... wow! like I am some kind of toy for their seasonal entertainment package.
I don`t want a bonus relationship or an upgrade nor do I want to be some one else s bonus or upgrade. I just want simple love and to be simply loved..... why is that so tough?????
I just want to be the center of their life as much as they are the center of my life.....
Will the new decade be something that could give me hope(s) or will it be again a hopeless journey of directionless gibberish?
Anyways I am reaching a very fine point of giving up hope and ending up in lethargic frustration.
The future does not seem to have any direction. Just pale gloom like the Vancouver weather in winter.
In a few hrs with a free ticket that I won, I will be stepping into the NEW YEAR and NEW DECADE full of confusion and uncertainty. Neither growing nor vinning!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
ഹാപ്പി ന്യൂ ഇയര് - Happy New Year
Happy new year of 2010.
Moving into the new year with expectations of improving life conditions and choices in: actions, health, language, learning new technology (knowledge), people.
Hopefully give up drinking fully, more so to live a healthy life.
Moving into the new year with expectations of improving life conditions and choices in: actions, health, language, learning new technology (knowledge), people.
Hopefully give up drinking fully, more so to live a healthy life.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Feels nice to be wanted
It feels nice to be wanted. Especially when out dancing and there is someone showing extra interest in you. Good for the waning self-esteem and Ego.
And much more better when there is more than one Girl showing interest. Not sure what the extend of their intentions are. But sure feels good to know that there are still people in this world that consider me as important and go out of their way in making me feel like the center of the world.
For a person who is mostly into giving and then been taken for granted, it felt nice to be the one who is been given.
And sure felt extra good when they keep asking me to dance again and again. Unlike the fake and superficial people who just come and try to be with your for their own convenience and then when u need them,,,,, they are hardly there or are very busy in their super shallow world of illusion.
Life sure is funny with all kinds of people thrown at you. Just when you have given up hope that all is lost, somethings happen to make you feel a little better. Hopefully I have learnt my lessons or it will be history repeating itself again.
Tomorrow will be going to get my Uniform for the Olympics. Great to be in a city thats hosting the Olympic games. Thou I am not in support of a Rich mans games, as the Winter Olympics only has people from Richer Developed Countries. Then people argue that the other countries don't have Snow.
Well India and Pakistan do have snow, but only the super rich in those countries can afford the Equipment to ski or skate. The poor people there just walk in the snow carrying groceries and stuff.
Such is the contradiction of societies and people living in this world of ours. Some people have it all and are always grumbling complaining, some don't have any and just trying to live thru the day with hope to make it alive the next day.
And much more better when there is more than one Girl showing interest. Not sure what the extend of their intentions are. But sure feels good to know that there are still people in this world that consider me as important and go out of their way in making me feel like the center of the world.
For a person who is mostly into giving and then been taken for granted, it felt nice to be the one who is been given.
And sure felt extra good when they keep asking me to dance again and again. Unlike the fake and superficial people who just come and try to be with your for their own convenience and then when u need them,,,,, they are hardly there or are very busy in their super shallow world of illusion.
Life sure is funny with all kinds of people thrown at you. Just when you have given up hope that all is lost, somethings happen to make you feel a little better. Hopefully I have learnt my lessons or it will be history repeating itself again.
Tomorrow will be going to get my Uniform for the Olympics. Great to be in a city thats hosting the Olympic games. Thou I am not in support of a Rich mans games, as the Winter Olympics only has people from Richer Developed Countries. Then people argue that the other countries don't have Snow.
Well India and Pakistan do have snow, but only the super rich in those countries can afford the Equipment to ski or skate. The poor people there just walk in the snow carrying groceries and stuff.
Such is the contradiction of societies and people living in this world of ours. Some people have it all and are always grumbling complaining, some don't have any and just trying to live thru the day with hope to make it alive the next day.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
5 years in Van-city
Wow, its already been 5 years since I first landed in Vancouver. Two more months and I would have lived in the same Apt for 5 years.
What a ride it has been. After living like a gypsy for many years, virtually sleeping in sleeping bags most of the time. It felt good to have my own Bed. One of the first steps I took with the hope of bringing some steadiness in my life.
Far from having my own house. Wanted to and still want to have my own house and have my own 60 inch plus flat screen TV and my own parking garage to park my most priced possession (my Car). My car has been with me for about 6 years now and traveled very wide and far with me in my few adventures.
What and where the future will take me I have no clue. I often wonder how come people are able to make 10 years plans, 5 years plans, 2 years plan .... When I am not able to even plan for the next week. Where I will be or how I will be.
Is it lack of aim or is it lack of options?
I did try to aim for somethings, or rather have a few aims, but with limited options and bad timing caused them to collapse.
And sometimes its been my own crushed spirit or laziness.
What a ride it has been. After living like a gypsy for many years, virtually sleeping in sleeping bags most of the time. It felt good to have my own Bed. One of the first steps I took with the hope of bringing some steadiness in my life.
Far from having my own house. Wanted to and still want to have my own house and have my own 60 inch plus flat screen TV and my own parking garage to park my most priced possession (my Car). My car has been with me for about 6 years now and traveled very wide and far with me in my few adventures.
What and where the future will take me I have no clue. I often wonder how come people are able to make 10 years plans, 5 years plans, 2 years plan .... When I am not able to even plan for the next week. Where I will be or how I will be.
Is it lack of aim or is it lack of options?
I did try to aim for somethings, or rather have a few aims, but with limited options and bad timing caused them to collapse.
And sometimes its been my own crushed spirit or laziness.
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